People Share Their Pathetic Story Of Petty Revenge

Petty revenge. When someone does you wrong, it’s natural to want to get back at them. It isn’t the noblest of goals, but sometimes it satisfies something inside of us that nothing else can. It’s only human nature—there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to balance the scales.

Everyone has been wronged in their lives. It may have been as simple as a sibling stealing your favorite toy or as messy as a coworker getting you fired. Whatever the case may be, the slight, the desire for revenge is tangible. Here are some stories of people who have seen or gotten their petty (and sometimes not-so-petty) revenge.

Don’t forget to check the comment section below the article for more interesting stories!

#47 Office Politics

When I was the new guy at work, one of my coworkers decided to make my life a living hell. He talked all kind of smack behind my back to other people, and for the first few weeks, everybody avoided me.

So, I made it my mission to become the life of the office to get everybody on my side and off of his. I would come in the morning bearing treats for everyone—doughnuts, coffee, you name it. I’d then invite his closest friends to lunch, on me, and they’d figure, why not; it was a free meal for them. I’d even throw parties at my house and invite everyone but my arch nemesis.

Don’t play office politics with me.

Humaverse Contributor

#46 Not My Bros

My boyfriend told me the worst thing I could ever do to him was date one of his bros. When we broke up, that’s exactly what I did. I don’t even care, he cheated on me and he deserved it.

Humaverse Contributor

#45 Jack-o-Crete

I have a friend whose pumpkin fall display at the end of his driveway would get run over by the neighborhood jerk. It happened every year. My friend decided to put a stop to it.

He withdrew money from his savings account so he would have enough to buy the largest pumpkin he could find, along with several large bags of Quikrete. filled that puppy up and made a really pretty display.

The neighbor broke the axle of his shotty car when he hit that pumpkin. He could not drive away. His car had to be towed.


#44 Blame Where Blame Was Due

I lived in an apartment with a roommate. We had neighbors who would throw crazy parties pretty frequently, often during the week. One day, my roommate who had to be awake early, had enough and decided to go #1 on a metal pizza pan. He stuck it in the freezer and during one of their crazy parties, he pulled the pan out, flipped it upside down and slid the yellow disc under their door where it then melted on their fully carpeted entryway.

We woke up to them shouting at the people who crashed there. I wish I could say they toned down their parties, but they didn’t. Eventually, they got evicted.


#43 No TV For You

My brother-in-law did something to irritate my wife back when they were in high school.

My wife turned off the TV, wrote “broken” on a piece of paper, taped it to the TV, shut off the power strip, and flipped the batteries around in the remote. Took my brother-in-law several days to figure it out.


#42 Couldn’t Write Anything Appropriate

I used to manage a coffee shop. Once, one of my baristas asked a guy his name and he suddenly went ballistic. He started yelling at her, calling her stupid and all sorts of names. Anyway, I took over the hand-off drinks and placed his drink on the hand-off counter, with no words.

I just kept putting drinks out for about ten or fifteen minutes. The guy finally walked up to pick up his drink, but at that point, it had turned lukewarm.

He asked, “Is this mine?”

I just responded with, “I don’t know; it doesn’t have a name on it.”


#41 Still Want That Donut!

Back in the late ’90s, I worked at an electronics store. Once a month we had to come in three hours before the store opened for a mandatory all-store meeting where we watch a video from corporate, give out the employee of the month awards, go over department goals, etc.

Well, there was a guy in our department, James, who was a pretty bad worker and showed up to the meeting an hour late. The manager took him aside and fired him. The manager didn’t watch him on his way out of the store, so James went into the break room and stuck his finger in every single doughnut they brought in for our break. Twenty years later I still hate him for ruining my doughnut.


#40 Not Quite Hitchcock, But Close

I caught my flatmate telling lies about me to some mutual friends. I made plans to move out the next month. In the meantime, she went out of town for a week and left her car parked in its usual spot in the parking lot. I threw birdseed on it every morning and evening, so when she came home, the birds wouldn’t leave her car alone.


#39 Cheesecake Of Disgust

At my previous job, we had separate refrigerators for the different shifts. Our food was constantly being stolen or messed with. One day, my buddy and I decided to make a nice cherry cheesecake… out of cooking lard. We finished it off with graham cracker crust and cut a couple of slices out of it since we knew the thief wouldn’t be brazen enough to take the first bite. We never found out who the thief was, but we never had to worry about anyone messing with our food ever again.


#38 Chauffeur, Am I?

I took my 15-year-old nephew and his five friends to the movies at the mall. I overheard him talk about how I was his chauffeur and that I was obliged to treat him to Starbucks after the movie.

I parked my car in another parking lot and did not answer my phone. I watched as my nephew looked for my car for about 30 minutes.

None of them had any money and by the time I answered him, they were all meek and subservient.


#37 Hiding Treasure

My college roommate had a bad habit of leaving her things in piles on our bathroom floor until there was almost no space to walk to the bath or toilet. Not just clothes, but change, jewelry, decks of playing cards, knitting needles, books, hairpins, scarves, earbud headphones, keys, etc.

One day she left $40 scattered with the mess, so I put the money in one of her lesser-used bathroom drawers. Originally, I put it there to protect it from our third roommate and her friends. When I came home the next day and noticed that she was clearing her mess in an effort to find it, I decided not to tell her where the money was until our bathroom floor was spotless.

Afterward, I decided it would be too awkward to tell her the truth, so I left the money wadded up in her hamper as I had found it on the floor. She was ecstatic when she found it on laundry day. After that, her bathroom piles never got quite as big.


#36 Bye-Bye Highscore

I use to go to this arcade and play a certain basketball game. I was climbing the all-time wins leaderboard when one day my account vanished! None of the other accounts did.

I learned that somehow the number-one-wins player (who works there) had something to do with it. I waited until he played another game and watched as he put in his code for his account. When he was done, I logged into his account on that machine and tanked the game pretty hard. When I was done, his record dropped to 210-1. Unfortunately, I did not see his reaction, but I got the satisfaction I needed from it.


#35 The Fear In That Moment

I dated a guy and later found out he had another girlfriend. I messaged the other girlfriend—let’s call her Jessica—on MySpace and told her if she wanted to know the truth, it would be better to hear it from him. I instructed her to call me so that I could call him on three-way calling.

During the call, she stayed totally quiet. He tried to set up some alone time with me for later that week. Finally, I said “I don’t think I can do that, Jessica might have a problem with it. Wouldn’t you, Jessica?” She finally chimed in with a “Nope” and he hung up in a panic.

I wished her luck. I have no idea how it turned out for them, but I blocked his sorry butt and still get a chuckle at the whole situation.


#34 Goliath, Meet David

There’s a new truck in my apartment’s parking lot. It’s always taking up multiple spots. I drive a much smaller car and I’m petty, so I’ve been waiting for my chance. A few days ago was my shot.

I got home quite late one day and there were zero spots open in my lot. The big truck was double parked again, but there was just enough room on the driver side for me to sneak in with my little clown car. I carefully pulled in, making sure not to touch anything. My passenger side mirror ended up half an inch from the truck’s driver side door. I giggled to myself all the way back to my apartment, set an alarm and waited.

The following morning, I woke up before the alarm to the sounds of door slamming and stomping around. I checked outside my window and I saw the double parking culprit walking around both vehicles, taking pictures, texting, taking more pictures, and throwing a fit. I was shaken with glee. He then swallowed his pride, let out a visual sigh, and climbed into the passenger side, clambered over the center console, and Austin-Powers-20-point-turn this butt out of the spot.

I’ve never been so proud of myself and my petty ways.


#33 The Rules Are The Rules

Someone parked in my assigned covered space at midnight on Saturday. This has happened more than once.

One time, I called the management to have them towed. Management told me they didn’t tow anymore because they would have to pay.

I parked behind them and blocked them in. There was a block wall in front. I left the neighbors each a note on their door letting them know to knock on my door if they needed to leave.

At 10 a.m., there was frantic pounding on my door. I answered in my pajamas. Some girl was hysterical, saying that she had to go to work and was going to lose her job. I asked her if she knew she was using my reserved parking spot, she said yes. She explained that it was midnight and there were no other parking spaces. She didn’t want to street park and walk so late at night because it wasn’t safe. I asked her why she was okay with making me a street park and walk after midnight?

She told me she was going to have me towed. I laughed and went back to bed.

Management called to tell me that I was blocking someone in and if I didn’t move, they would have me towed. I reminded them of conversation from the middle of the night and told them if they towed me instead of the violator, I would sue them for failing to enforce the rules.

I offered to wait for the tow truck before I moved my car so that I could make sure they towed the “parking violator.” Management told the girl, “Forget it.”

She came back pounding on my door and screaming. People started calling management about a lunatic “trying to break into someone’s apartment.”

After a few minutes, the guy she was with the night before showed up to my door. The girl was at the bottom of the stairs crying so hard she got the hiccups. The guy apologized profusely, said he didn’t know she parked in my spot and that management was threatening to evict him. He apologized again and offered me money for my trouble.

I told him it wasn’t necessary and that I was just waiting for the girl to apologize. He nodded, went downstairs, yelled at her and pointed up to me. She came upstairs and apologized, then I moved my car.


#32 Not This Mailbox

When I was a kid our mailbox got taken out, like, once a month. Finally, after the 10th mailbox and post, my dad was fed up. He got an eight-foot I-beam, buried it four feet down and filled in the hole with Quikrete.

The next time it got hit, the jerk wrapped his car around it. The mailbox and pole were sticking out of the middle of his car.

After that, the mailbox was never hit again.


#31 Found You!

When my wife and I were younger and kind of on hard times, she took a pretty shady job at a local factory. The first two weeks she was there, she had her lunch stolen at least five or six times. I was pretty angry, especially a lot of times I would make her lunch for her.

One night, I bought a big Gatorade and a box of women’s laxatives, both red in color. You couldn’t tell the two were mixed. We soon found out who the thief was.


#30 Smells Like Buttered Vengeance

I had a boss eight years ago who I hated. She was the fakest and most entitled person I had ever met. One day, she decided that she didn’t like the smell of microwave popcorn, so she waved her magic office wand and had it banned.

Fast forward a month or so. I was browsing Amazon and found one of those USB sticks that emits a smell when plugged in… I ordered one that let out the smell of buttered popcorn. I plugged it into the back of her computer, and she had the sweet smell of PopSecret in her office for six months. She complained almost every day. It’s the sweetest revenge I’d ever tasted (or should I say, sniffed).


#29 Just A Smallfry

When I was in law school, I went to a bar with a bunch of law school students. I went outside for some fresh air and some girls were there. I don’t like to ask for gum but I really needed a piece. I had a free small fry coupon from McDonald’s and I offered it to the girl in exchange for a piece of gum. She said okay. I handed it to her, but she refused to give me the gum. She said, “You shouldn’t be so trusting.”

Flash forward a few months: I became the head of IT for a division in our university, which includes administration. I went up to replace a computer and saw the same girl—she was waiting in line for a job interview. I went up to the person who was conducting the interviews and told them the story.

She didn’t get the job.


#28 Electrical Fun At Game Time

I was grounded yet again by my dad for breathing while his ballgame was on. He stuck me in my bedroom with nothing to do. Out of boredom, I flicked the light switches on and off and I discovered that it made a loud, buzzing noise on the TV in the lounge. Cue the next five years of petty revenge…

My dad never figured out why we had such a bad TV signal during game time.


#27 Ketchup Timebombs

My coworker sometimes throws out her lunch in the garbage can at my desk instead of her own, because she claims she can’t stand the smell of old ketchup that’s been sitting out for a couple of hours. I’ve asked her several times to stop, but she instead just waits until I get up to go to the bathroom, then do it.

Every time she does it, I wait until she goes to the bathroom, take out the little plastic container that she had ketchup in, and put it way in the back of her bottom desk drawer. There are six in there now, the oldest is over a month old. So far, she hasn’t noticed the smell. Gonna keep doing it and see how long it takes her to notice.


#26 $200 And Not-So-Petty Revenge

An uncle of mine was a terrible guy. When I was a kid, it was pretty common for him to steal from my grandparents. There’s a long list of things he did over the course of my life to make me mad, but I’ll skip to the petty revenge.

I was browsing the local county website and noticed there was a section for active warrants. I wondered if any familiar names were listed so I browsed it, and to my complete lack of surprise, I saw my uncle’s name listed for something minor. Then, I saw the Crime Stoppers number at the top of the page. I knew where he was living at the time and it was anonymous, so what the heck did I have to lose? I called, described him and told them where he was. They gave me a reference number and told me to call back in two weeks.

For the sake of being thorough, I called a relative from the other side of the family who, funny enough, was not only a cop but also in charge of following up on these things. I told him the situation and he said he’d prioritize it.

Two weeks later, I called Crime Stoppers for an update and they said the tip did indeed lead to an arrest. I was confused but I named one. They gave me an alias, told me to give that name to the clerk and to expect a general delivery envelope with $200 cash inside. That part was unexpected, but a sweet bonus for sure.

Easiest $200 I ever made.


#25 Blocked In At Lunch

I went to a restaurant for lunch during a work shift. Out of three parking spots, somebody decided to park across every single one. There were no other parking spots at the time.

I decided to park within half a foot from my passenger side to his driver door. I ordered and got my food, and noticed an older man leave and walk in the direction of our parked cars. When I left and walked toward my car, sure enough, he was there, a tray of drinks in one hand and a bag of food in the other, just absolutely struggling to get into his vehicle. He asked me why I had parked so near to him and I simply responded with: “Why did you park across three spots”

If you park like a jerk, you better expect to be treated like one.


#24 Sibling Revenge

My sister stole candy and hid it from my parents as a teen. When she did something that made me angry, I found her candy stash and destroyed it. She smacked me around, then I told my mom.

She got in a bunch of trouble for beating me up. She got grounded for a while and my smug self got as many knowing glances at her as I was able.


#23 Enya On A Loop

I had a roommate in college who would blare the TV and talk loudly on speakerphone well into the night. I was young and too afraid to confront her about it. After a semester, I had enough. One time before going out, I put my speakers up against our shared wall and blasted Enya’s “Only Time” on endless repeat. I also locked my door so they couldn’t come in to turn it off. I got back at around 3 a.m.


#22 Abusing Policy

My company has a password policy that locks your account after three wrong password attempts. A few times when someone has irritated me, I would lock my computer, switch the user, and enter their username with a wrong password three times so they get locked out. Now, they have to deal with the help desk to unlock their account.


#21 The Dog Is Always Too Far

I found out my then-boyfriend was cheating on me. He threw my dog across the room when we were discussing what he had done. I moved out immediately.

As I was moving out, I took his entire movie collection and microwaved each disc, one by one. It only took about three seconds each. It took me about an hour to go through them all. I put them back in the cases, then back where they belonged. I’m not sure if the microwave was still usable, but I did not really care.

He was also a manager at a restaurant and would bring home tons of food. They had really nice coolers that the food came in so I called the general manager and explained that I had moved out and wanted to return the boxes. He lost his job.

Don’t mess with my dogs.


#20 The Long Wait

When I rented, the parking lot had assigned parking. My wife and I both had cars so I had to pay extra for the second spot. The first one was complimentary.

We came home around 1 a.m. and some idiot was parked in my spot. I was not having it. Not wanting to deal with the overnight parking ban on the street, I parked behind him perpendicularly to block him in my spot. The neighboring spot was my caretaker’s, who was the most chill guy I’d ever rented from. I shot him a text explaining and told him to call me if he needed to get out before me in the morning. He laughed and said all was good.

After about an hour of watching TV, I went out for some air. I noticed the guy’s car was running. I watched him frantically at 2 a.m. looking around for whose car it was. He saw me and started yelling, not knowing it was mine. He said he just wanted to go home and didn’t understand why some people had to be such jerks. I told him maybe the owner of the car was mad that his reserved spot had been taken. I told him some people paid extra monthly for multiple spots. He eventually gave up and went back into his buddy’s unit. I go inside and go to bed.

I came out in the morning to go out for a bit. The guy was sitting on his buddy’s doorstep. I waved, got in my car and left. I made the jerk sit all night until 9 a.m. The look on his face as I entered my car was priceless.


#19 The Birds!

We were on a family camping trip near the beach in Assateague with two couples and our young children. We had a great time until a huge family reunion took all the camping spots around us. There were probably 30 adults and 10 young kids. No problem, we were all on vacation, so sure, stay up, party on; whatever.

They were on another level of loud—arguing, bad music blasting, fireworks, and general craziness. Even worse, they put all their children’s tents way over on the other side of our two tents. Every night, they would send their kids to their tents and they would cry, scream, fight, and beat each other. Some ran to us for help and we went to the adult group to let them know. They couldn’t have cared less.

When we left three days hence, my husband and our friend took all our leftover cookies, crackers and bread and spread it through their campsite early in the morning. They called it “land chumming” and it was glorious. It was like an Alfred Hitchcock movie.


#18 Move Your Own Snow

Back when I lived in DC, we had about two feet of snow in a single storm one winter. Everywhere around me was street parking. I decided to go to the store to pick up some new groceries and start shoveling out my car. The drive to the store was just a few minutes, so I hoped to be out and back before I lost the spot.

A couple of minutes after I start, a lady in one of those Infinity SUVs pulls up and idles 20 feet down the road from me as I shovel. After 15 minutes of her idling and several thousand pounds of snow moved, it’s obvious she is going to take the spot the second I leave.

I decided after all that hard work, I had better eat and warm up before thinking about going to the store. I went inside.


#17 Ignoring The Mother-In-Law

My mother-in-law has a habit of showing up a day earlier than agreed upon. We’ve had to cancel plans because of her shenanigans.

When our kids were younger, my husband made plans with his mom and told her repeatedly that we were busy the day before. Two days before the agreed visit, she messaged saying she was excited to see us “tomorrow.” My husband reminded her again: “Saturday, we’re busy tomorrow,”

Anyway, Friday happens. Hubby goes to a work event and is unable to be contacted most of the day. My plans are canceled due to one of the kids throwing up. Nap time rolls around, and I settle the kids down. I then enjoy some quiet internet time. Suddenly,  there’s a knock at the door. We don’t open the lounge blinds a lot because of nosy apartment neighbors, so I was safe from sight. I checked the peephole in case it was the postie, but nope. It was my mother-in-law, in all her annoying glory.

I silently deadbolt the door, sneak to the back door and check the locks. Then, I snuggled into my bed with my kids, to keep them calm in case the knocking woke then. I checked the peephole after an hour and saw her sulking on the front step, clearly trying to reach Hubby in the phone.

Except I had messaged him, “Your mom is here, I’m ignoring her.” She finally left just before the kids woke from their nap.

The next day when she arrived she asked what I did the day before and I said, “Nothing. I was home all day.”


#16 Leave My Laundry Alone!

I lived in an apartment building with shared laundry. There was one lady across the hall who would always take my laundry out of the washer or the dryer mid-cycle and put it on the floor beside the machine so she could do hers. I have no idea what her issue was. It wasn’t because I left my clothes in the machine because I always set a timer on my phone.

I got really fed up with it one day. I went back to my apartment, grabbed a bottle of bleach, went back to the laundry room and dumped it in her wash cycle (I knew it was her stuff because she always left her laundry soap on top of the machine). She complained to the building manager and signs went up in the laundry rooms saying to not touch others’ laundry. She didn’t do it again and I moved out a couple of weeks later.


#15 Caffeine, No Caffeine

When I worked at a cafe, I had one lady come in every day before work and make nasty comments. She was horrible.

“So are you going to school, or is this pretty much it for you?”

She got decaf on Mondays and Tuesdays, then regular for the rest of the week to get her used to it again before starting over the next week.


#14 The Ultimate Grammar-Nazi Power Move

My mom and her friend had a massive fight. Her friend sent a letter that pretty much said, “We’re no longer friends.” My mom, an ex-teacher, took out a red pen, corrected all the spelling and grammar mistakes, and mailed it right back to her.


#13 Castle Of Stone

We were kids staying at the seaside on holiday with our family. My little sister would always make a pretty sandcastle, and the next day it would have been kicked down and she’d cry. We wanted to find out who was doing it, so one day we stayed behind to spy. We watched as a bunch of older boys came by and kicked her castle down, laughing smugly. The next night, we covered a big beach rock with sand and decorated it. Like clockwork, the jerk kids came with their smug faces and this time kicked a solid rock with all of their might. The yowl and the look on their faces was the best revenge ever.


#12 Be Nice To The Baristas

When I worked at a coffee shop, we had one sexist costumer who always disturbed our work. He only wanted the men to make his drinks and he literally ignored the women . We always gave him decaffeinated coffee even though he asked for caffeinated. Pretty petty and childish but it helped a little bit.


#11 A Friend In The Right Place

My house was on the left side of a dead-end street. There was a house at the very end of the street facing the other way with its driveways attached to a different street on the other side. My roommate would always park in front of our house on the street but leave enough room for cars to get past. It had driveways, but they were destroyed and very narrow—they would have to be repaired to use them.

He left a note on my roommate’s car stating she couldn’t park there and threatened to tow her car if she did. I may have gotten irrationally angry by this old man trying to pull one over on a house full of college girls. So I did what any good friend would do…

I called my friend who was a civil engineer intern for the city and he got the city to put up guard rails at the end of the street so the guy could no longer use his backyard as an entrance. He was forced to spend the money to fix his driveways.


#10 Revenge Isn’t Just For People

One time, my dog came into my room and jumped on the bed while I was sleeping. I scolded her and told her to get down. She slowly hopped off the bed, turned to look at me, sat down, and WHILE MAINTAINING EYE CONTACT scooted her butt across the floor, leaving a nice little streak mark. Looked away, stood up, left. I miss that little gremlin.


#9 Art And Shenanigans

I hated art at school. I enjoyed learning about it but I wasn’t good at it. Our teacher didn’t just favor the talented students, but she actually punished the bad students. It was ridiculously unjust.

I did my best at some art style and was put in detention because she didn’t like my last three pieces.

In detention, I had to stay after school and wash stuff. I threw out boxes of acrylic paint to spite her.

Later that week, she couldn’t find the acrylic paint for our lesson and freaked out. I didn’t think she’d have such a severe reaction but then it became clear that she was stressed because she was a completely incompetent teacher and couldn’t figure out a substitute lesson plan. She also thought she had misplaced the paint and began panicking that the head of the department would reprimand her in some way.

Another teacher came in and gave a substitute lesson plan to her.

Petty but pleasurable.


#8 Cold, Gelatinous, Disgusting Revenge

This happened almost a decade ago with my first boyfriend. He was a manipulative, selfish, raging jerk and I was a 16 year old with no self-esteem.

He basically lived at my house and had me cook for him all the time. He was trying to impress one of my “gangster” neighbors so he would have me make them snacks multiple times a day. His favorite thing to eat was french fries.

I would be making three or four batches a day. Since I was cooking so many fries, I would keep the Crisco I used to fry them in an empty coffee tin in the fridge. Over the course of three days, the Crisco smelled exactly like potatoes.

One time, my ex asked me to make him some french fries yet again. When I tried to serve myself a plate of the fries I had just cooked he yelled at me and said these were only for him and his friend. He took the whole heaping plate and ran off!

My blood was boiling and I plotted revenge. I waited for the Crisco to solidify and I whipped it with a fork so it looked like mashed potatoes. Because of the many batches of fries, it smelled like mashed potatoes, too. Now, I just had to wait.

Soon enough my ex was back and he was still hungry. He had the audacity to ask me for more fries! So I sweetly told him that I’d made mashed potatoes for him while he was gone.

He was so pleased! He said “Thanks, babe!” and took the biggest spoonful he could straight out of the pot. He put the overflowing spoon straight into his mouth with a huge smile on his face. His smile quickly turned into disgust and he started violently throwing up in the sink.

He never asked me to make fries again in our short relationship.


#7 Revenge, Served Very Cold And Wet

My campus had free laundry for the residents in the dorms. I had a small load of three pairs of pants that all got washed and dried under the same cycle, and they were in the dryer. There were about 20 minutes before they were done, so I left and came back 15 minutes later. I found my pants on top of the dryer, still wet.

Someone had taken out my pants and put their clothes in the dryer. I took out all of her clothes, dumped them wet in the trash and left.

That trash can I threw them in wasn’t the one in the laundry room but the one outside in the courtyard.

That courtyard was in Buffalo, NY in freezing December and full of snow.


#6 Broken Bones For The Bully

When I was a kid, my family lived in a house on a street with giant oak trees. Because of the slope of our yard, leaves from half the street would end up in the yard.

My mother had really bad asthma and allergies, so she made the kids rake up the leaves.

This was not an easy task. They would get several feet deep if we didn’t do it often enough.

One day, we raked the whole yard into these giant piles for the city to pick up. It took several hours.

The next morning they were scattered all over.

We raked them again over several more hours and it happened again. Apparently, the neighborhood bully was knocking them over just to be a jerk.

The next time we made a super huge pile around the fire hydrant hoping he’d kick them and hurt his foot.

Nope, this time he decided to do a run and jump. I watched it peeking through the blinds. He ended up breaking several bones.

I didn’t even feel bad.


#5 The Gift Of Petty Revenge

I found the perfect gift for my annoying cubicle neighbor who just so happens to be my Secret Santa this year. If I were Michael Scott, he would be Toby. He’s just awful.

For Christmas, he is going to get a real present (because I’m not that much of a jerk) and a joke gift. The joke gift is going to be hilarious. It’s a coffee mug that is black until it heats up, then it reveals a big middle finger. He’s got enough of a sense of humor to find it funny, but I’m sure he wouldn’t use it…

I plan on hiding the mug he uses now so he’ll be forced to use my gift.


#4 Remember Me?

I hired an employee for a restaurant. The grand opening got pushed back by a few days. The guy asked me if he could borrow $100 until the next week when work would resume and the first checks came in. He was a skilled guy and I didn’t want to lose him, so I loaned him the money out of my pocket. A few days later, when the staff was meant to return to work for the opening, he didn’t show up and his phone was disconnected. I never heard from him again…

Cut to a couple years later. The restaurant had been a success and we were preparing to open a second location a few miles away. I was going through resumes to staff the new location when low and behold, the guy’s resume showed up in my email. I reached out for him to arrange an interview the next morning, early as possible, to which he complied. The dude didn’t even remember the name of the restaurant.

He showed up at 7 a.m. the next day and was there waiting for me when I came in. I asked a colleague to keep him waiting, which he did for almost an hour. I finally sat down with him, right away asked if he had remembered me or the restaurant at all, to which he denied. I reminded him that I had lent him $100 almost two years ago. He said maybe I had met with his twin brother. I said if he wanted to give me the money back right then and there, then maybe we could discuss a job. He didn’t know what to say, so he left. I didn’t get my money back, but I was at least able to humiliate him and waste his time.


#3 Muppets For Months

Our dorm rooms were laid out like an “H” with a double bedroom on each side connected by a bathroom in the middle. The bathroom had a lock on the bedroom side of the door so your suitemates couldn’t enter. My suitemates were pretty obnoxious. They never bought toilet paper but used an ungodly amount of it any time I left some in the bathroom. They never cleaned the bathroom. They left their hair all over the shower. They would listen to country music really loudly. I just didn’t like them at all.

My roommate and I were leaving for the weekend and knew that our suitemates had a campus ministry event so they’d be staying there. On our way out, we put the Muppets “Ma-nah-mah-nah” song on repeat, not so loud that it would garner a noise complaint, but loud enough that it would be audible while they were trying to sleep or study. I heard them humming it for months afterward.


#2 Cones Of Pettiness

This one was truly petty. My dad was driving and we came up on a construction truck driving the other way with a crew in the back placing cones in the center of the road as they slowly drove.

Dad slows down and offers some criticism on how they’re putting the cones down. I don’t even remember what, maybe the cones were a bit far into our lane or something. Construction guy isn’t having it, the conversation gets a bit heated, dude gives Dad a “Screw you.”

“Screw me? No, screw you.”

Dad proceeds to run over cones for an entire mile. Now, I would have thought that they would have just gotten a little flattened but the tire was actually throwing them behind the vehicle and frequently to the left or right. Some were thrown completely off the road, all of them were just all over the place.

He was a narcissist. This isn’t even remotely the worst or most petty thing he did, it’s just one I was there for.


#1 The Classic Dirty Toothbrush

I moved to America to be with this guy. Let’s call him Brad. Brad happened to work at the same big box store as my friend J, and one day when I came to meet J from work, a coworker innocently asked, “Are you looking for Brad? He’s staying with his girlfriend.”

“I’M HIS GIRLFRIEND,” I said abruptly.

Now, another thing you should know about Brad is that he bought his toothbrushes wholesale and lived in the grungiest apartment ever. I cleaned every inch of that bathroom, toilet included, with each and every one of those remaining toothbrushes, documenting every step with photographs. Then I rinsed them in the toilet and put them back in the box. I packed my stuff and left.

Ten years later, when I’d calculated he was on the last brush, I sent him the pictures.