November 27, 2019 | Casey Fletcher

Parents Share The Funniest Things Their Kid Has Ever Said


Kids really do say the darndest things, and no one knows that better than parents. One minute, they're uttering their first words with a vocabulary that doesn't stretch past "mama" and "dada" and the next, they're coming up with crazy sentences full of whacky words and phrases, some of which we've taught them, and others we're not quite sure how they picked up. Whether they're asking some of life's toughest questions or having a chat with their toys, some of the funniest things we've ever heard have come out of the mouths of children. Keep the tissues close. These kid quotes may just make you laugh so hard you'll cry.

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#1 What's in the Salad?

My family went to Olive Garden restaurant. The waitress delivers the obligatory bowl of salad with the salad tongs. I proceed to start mixing up the salad with the tongs. My 4-year old daughter sits up and stares into the bowl and then looks up at me and asks, "What are you looking for?"

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#2 Drinking and Driving

"Uncle noob_almost drank and drove us home!" It was a Coca-Cola, you little narc.

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#3 Like an Angel

My partner's five-year-old daughter was watching me do my makeup in the mirror and she said, "You look like an angel." That's the sweetest thing she had ever said to me, so I gushed like a teenage girl and thanked her with a big grin on my face. Then she elaborated: "You look like you're dead." I wish she hadn't elaborated.

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#4 Vegan Mistake

We were bringing lunch to the teachers at school and my daughter announced that we made a special soup for Mr. S because he's a virgin. Mr. S is a vegan.

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#5 Just Believe in Yourself

My seven-year-old son slept on the top bunk of a bed with his brother down below. He's a bit of a tank and was hitting around 28kgs. One night he asked me to put him to bed, and I said, "Mate, you're getting really heavy, I'm not sure that I can lift you all the way up that high anymore!" He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Dad, you just need to believe in yourself."

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#6 I Can't Do That?

My niece was three when my nephew was born... She came up to me and my girlfriend when we visiting my sister in the hospital and said, "So am I not allowed to punch the baby in the head?"

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#7 He's Old!

Me: "How old do you think Grandpa is?"

My five-year-old nephew: "Erm...12."

Me: "No, he's actually 62."

My five-year-old nephew: "Oh, he's going to die soon."

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#8 Galactic Empire Grandad

I once heard my young son (who had just watched the old Star Wars series) ask my grandfather (a British World War II vet) what side he fought on in "the war" and my grandfather responded with, "The Empire." My kid literally cried for days because he thought his great grandfather fought for the Galactic Empire.

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#9 Baby Belly

One little girl asked her friend, "Does your mom have a baby in her belly?" The woman was quite overweight. The kid said, "Oh, there's every possible thing in there."

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#10 Speech Delay

So my almost-four-year-old has a speech delay and she pronounces horse as “wh*re” and she has a My Little Pony toy that she takes everywhere. Anyway, she dropped it in Walmart one time and I didn’t notice and was walking away (she was in the cart) and she yells, “MOMMY MY WH*RE! Get my wh*re!!” Oh god, I laughed so hard, as did a lot of people around me. Obviously, we had some nasty looks, but whatever. She thinks she says horse. We’re working on it.

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#11 Mr. Whaleman

I'm a mailman and one day a little girl came to the door to get the mail. She looked up at me with a big smile and said, "thank you, whaleman!" I spent the rest of the day thinking about how much more interesting of a job that would be.

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#12 Talking Chair

I was watching Star Wars with my five-year-old nephew. It was a great scene with Darth Sideous sitting in his little chair facing out to space. You can't see him and all you can see is the chair before he does his big spinning chair reveal. Sideous says something like, "Ahhh Skywalker, I've been waiting for you," or something. My Nephew turns to me, shrugs his shoulders and says, "Talking chair." I don't know why this caught me but I lost it.

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#13 Where Are the Heads?

Son: "Dad what's that?"
Me: "That's a cemetery"
Son: "What's a cemetery?"
Me: "That's where they bury dead bodies."
Son: "Oh"

(A few minutes pass)

Son: "Dad?"
Me: "Yeah?"
Son: "Where do they bury the heads?"

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#14 Mr. Avocado

I worked as a teacher's assistant for a year and I have a weird last name so I got the kids to call me Mr. A if they couldn't pronounce it, but some kids still tried to say their interpretation of my name. One of the kids said, "Mr. A I'm gonna start calling you Mr. Avocado because I can't remember your last name and I don't like avocado."

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#15 I'm a Bad Boy

I went to McDonald's once and headed for the bathroom. Just before I opened the door this small child busts through with his friend and he yells "I ain't washing my hands, I'm a baaad boy!" This happened four years ago and I still laugh about it.

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#16 Better Than Last Time

My husband was pulled up for random breath testing. As the cop told us we were fine to go on our way, my youngest child piped up "Well that went better than last time!" Turns out he meant last time my husband was RBTed he complained about it because it was raining and the shoulder he was pulled up on was boggy.

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#17 Pregnant Like You

I'm a man and I once heard a child say, "Look, mommy, he's pregnant like you!" while pointing at my belly.

#18 Skylar Ship

My son's name is Skylar. My daughter is six-years-old. My wife was going back to college and we were talking about scholarships when we noticed that our daughter was crying. I mean, she was wailing and sobbing. After we got her calmed down, we asked her what was wrong. She said she didn't want us to send Skylar to the moon. We asked her why we would do that. She responded, "Why else would you need a Skylar ship?"

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#19 Nibble My Peanuts

As a child, my brother didn't like peanuts. As a treat after dinner one Sunday, we had Cornettos. My brother peeled the wrapper off and then turned to my Dad and said, "Daaaaaad, can you nibble my nuts off?" My aunt wet herself laughing.

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#20 It's a Pigeon!

In the middle of my local zoo, there's a big clearing where they let all the African animals (except the carnivores, obviously) mingle in an attempt to recreate a natural habitat. Last time I was there I was standing near a little boy and his mother, and the kid was in awe of what he was seeing. Suddenly, though, he saw something that got him really, really excited. "Look, Mummy, look!" he shouted, pointing. "It's a pigeon!" The thing is, he was absolutely right: in an African setting, an English pigeon is the exotic one.

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#21 At Least 100 Corns

I was driving through Iowa with my five-year-old and she said, "There's like 100 corns here, daddy."

#22 Juice!

When my daughter was almost two, she learned the word "juice," and it became her favorite word. She didn't always nail the pronunciation, but she was proud of herself every time she said it. One Sunday, after church, I was holding her on my hip having a conversation with the pastor (whom everyone in my family and half the church didn't like at all). So my kid, wide-eyed and excited to show off her new word, pointed at the pastor and said "juice!" Only, it came out "douche!" I swear, I nearly died trying not to laugh out loud right there. That's the day my 20-month-old became my hero.

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#23 Belly Button

"MOMMY, CHECK OUT MY COOL NIPPLE." Belly button. The word she was looking for was "belly button."

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#24 Be Grateful

I was a single mom to a six-year-old daughter and a five-year-old son and I was going to buy them treats from an ice cream truck. I gave them limited options due to the prices and as we walked away, my son asked why. My little "mini-me" launched into a story about how we need to be grateful for the blessings we have, then she said, "Some kids don't even have toys! Some kids don't have anything to play with except their own bodies!!!"

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#25 Baby Beefs

There was a field of cows and calves and I heard a little boy say "Mummy look baby beefs."

#26 Sleigh Ride Where?

When my nephew was a toddler, around Christmas time, he asked me, "Uncle Extrasherman, can we sled ride in Hell?" I was kind of taken aback and trying really hard not to laugh. We all heard it. Luckily, my sister was there and cleared it up. He was trying to say, "Can we sled ride down the hill?" Easy mistake.

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#27 Front Tail

My daughter at maybe two or a little under, proclaimed to our family that her "daddy has a front tail."

#28 Making Mischief

I'm assuming my nephew overheard someone say this. but as he is six I was impressed at his quick response. He was making a rocket out of cardboard. He said, "I enjoy making things." My niece, who is four, replied, "I like making things too." My nephew then said, "Yeah making mischief." My sister-in-law and I couldn't stop laughing. My niece was very confused.

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#29 President Jackie Chan

“Who was President of the Soviet Union during World War Two?” “Jackie Chan.”

#30 The Dinosaurs Are Coming

Once when my niece was very little—maybe three years old—we passed a bridge under construction and there were two big cranes working. She sighed in this resigned way and said, “I knew one day the dinosaurs would come and get me...” I almost had to pull over I laughed so hard!

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#31 Are You Melissa?

Literally five seconds ago a little girl asked me, "Are you Melissa?" I am a 250-pound bearded man. I am decidedly not Melissa.

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#32 President Abracadabra

It was about nine years ago when I was chilling at my sister's place during the summer break. She was watching a 60 Minutes interview of recently elected President Barack Obama with my nieces in the room. The youngest at the time, who was three, saw the screen and then yelled, "Oh! it's Abracadabra!" when she saw who was talking.

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#33 Choo Choo!

Towards the very end of Sunday service for my religion, everyone was standing in a quiet last moment of prayer. Suddenly we hear this tiny four-year-old voice start saying loudly, “Choo choo, I’m a train!” as he ran around in between all the people. It was hilarious.

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#34 He Who Must Not Be Named

I used to work in a preschool, and a little boy heard me say that one of my friends was visiting Baltimore. The kid immediately gasped and went, “You aren’t supposed to say his name!” He thought that I said Voldemort and was horrified that someone I knew was visiting He Who Must Not Be Named. I didn’t correct him.

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#35 Who Farted?

"Hey! Who farted in my pants?" My three-year-old son said this.

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#36 Delivering What?

I had a friend who transported goods for a pharmaceutical company. He jokingly referred to it as "delivering drugs" in front of his four-year-old nephew. One day, the friend was supposed to pick his nephew up from daycare. His caretaker asked him conversationally what his uncle did for a living. Of course, the kid spouts off that his uncle delivered and sold drugs for a living. This did not go over well with the caretaker. She proceeded to call the mother, who burst out laughing before she could explain.

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#37 Pregnant Mosquito

When I was a kid I once called my sister a pregnant mosquito. I don't remember why but it still comes up at family gatherings.

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#38 Take My Peanuts

I could tell hundreds of stories from my camp counselor days 10 years ago or so, but one that will always stick out was when I had a group of six to eight-year-olds on an exploration hike decently far into the woods, and one of the boys told me he needed to go to the bathroom. "OK, Trevor," I asked, "Do you know how to go to the bathroom outside?" questioning whether or not he understood to do his business out of view from the rest of the group, on a tree or something. "Yeah," he assured me while walking away, "I just take my peanuts out and go." Couldn't argue with his answer.

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#39 Not Like Everyone Else

I was trying to get my nephew to stop being a loner and socialize with his mates when he ripped me a new one: "How come I have to be like everyone else when you get to be gay?" Got to hand it the kiddo, he made a valid point.

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#40 How's My What?

This just happened last week when our second child was born. I brought our oldest (who just turned five) to the hospital for the first time to meet his new brother. He took one look at the sleeping baby and said, "He's so cute." Then, he turned to my wife (his mom), looked her in the eye and said with genuine concern, "How's your vagina?" The nurses lost it.

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#41 Leg Sleeves

After wearing pants all winter and switching to shorts, my son said: "Dad... I need sleeves for my legs."

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#42 The Whole Story

A three-year-old girl on an airplane loudly announced: "My daddy left me and mommy... and I don't know where he went." Then she pointed to her mom's tummy and told everyone, "There is a baby in there too." The mom had to remind her to tell the rest of the story: That daddy had taken another plane to a different city for work but would be meeting up with them in a few days on their family vacation.

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#43 Hatched From An Egg

My little six-year-old cousin told me that his mom laid an egg and he hatched from it when explaining how he was born.

#44 Where Are Your Biceps?

I was explaining to my four-year-old son what muscles are and asked him to look at my biceps. He said, “Hold on I need to go get my magnifying glass.” I didn’t even know what to say and my wife is still laughing about it.

#45 That's Your Belly Button

My three-year-old semi-accidentally poked her four-year-old sister pretty hard in the belly button last night. The four-year-old spent the next fifteen minutes complaining that her sister had hurt her in the uterus.

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