Married Men Reveal The Dumb Things They Did While Dating Their Wife

The early stages of dating can be awkward, and learning about your date while simultaneously trying to show them who you are in a natural way can be tough. If you really like them, odds are you'll go out of your way to impress them. You try to act cool and be yourself, but as we all know, it doesn't always work out that way. Instead, you'll end up doing something dumb that could ruin your chances of a second date. Just how dumb are we talking? Well, these men will tell you. After all, love does make you do strange things.

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#1 Money on the Counter, Gum in Mouth

I get very nervous around women that are into me. On an early date, we went to the local shop to pick up some things for a picnic, including some gum. I was thinking really hard and I was aware that I was being watched. I thought I had this: Money on the counter, gum in your mouth. Money on the counter, gum in your mouth. Easy. Suffice to say when I put the gum on the counter and the coin in my mouth, the cashier was baffled and my girlfriend (now wife) was crying with laughter.

#2 Friends not Food

My wife is a devout animal lover and activist. I planned our proposal at a fancy Tokyo restaurant that only takes three tables a night and has 11 courses, which were filled with all sorts of innovative things so you’re never quite sure what’s coming next. In between one of the courses, the chef brought out a cute little glass bowl for us to play with some squid. The chef informed us that they were firefly squid and that they were local to the bay. My wife was delighted and practically named them. Two courses later, they reappeared... as entrees, floating on a glass plate lit up from below and arranged to look like they were swimming. She still said yes to my proposal but she's never let me forgot that I took her on literally the worst dining experience she had ever experienced.

#3 Did You Eat My Dessert?

I'm the wife. Probably a year into us dating, we fought about something neither of us can remember now. To make up for it, he went and bought us both dessert which was a sweet gesture. Of course, he went and did it right after dinner, so I was still full and said I would shower first and then eat it when I finished my shower.

Well, when I was in the shower, he decided for some godforsaken reason to eat the dessert he bought for me (after eating his own). Everyone who has heard the story is very surprised our relationship lasted after that night. I did bring it up in my vows as an example of how I'll love him even when it's not the easiest thing to do.

#4 Did I Do That?

On our second date, I arrived one hour late. When I went to greet her with a little hug, I accidentally knocked her phone out of her hand. It hit the ground and cracked the screen, but I wasn't sure if it was already cracked. I apologized, she said it was okay and that the screen was already like that before.

Almost a year later, she confessed that I actually broke her phone that day. She had just gotten it from her mom and she couldn't afford a new one at the time, but she lied and kept using the broken phone so that I wouldn't feel bad. My heart sank. We've been married for two years now and I've given her a brand new flagship phone every year ever since.

#5 I Love You for You

The day after our second date I was in a terrible financial situation. My power got turned off and I was distraught. She came over, brought takeout, we ate dinner, hung out, and just talked until it was too dark to see. Then, we went to bed. Mind you, this bed was a cobbled-together full-size mattress resting on a queen frame, and she didn't bat an eye. Not once has she cared about what I have, only who I am. We've been married since march.

#6 Watch Out for the Fork

Not my story, but my parents. Some backstory: My dad has a brother who’s only a couple of years older. Growing up, they’d commonly try to steal food off each other’s plates just to be mean to each other. This was remedied by plate guarding and defensive maneuvers with utensils if hands got too close. On my parent’s first date, my mom reached for something to try off my dad’s plate and he instinctively skewered her hand with his fork. He was obviously mortified, but he was glad my mom was crazy enough to keep dating him. They eventually got married and had kids, too.

#7 Where Were You Throwing Me?

When we had only been dating a month or so, my then-boyfriend went to pick me up and accidentally threw my head through the ceiling. He gave me a concussion. He's 6'8" and just really misjudged the distance. I also had a hard time getting used to his height and very regularly kneed him in his sensitive bits for about two years while cuddling, so I think we're even. We've been together six years now and I'm proud to say we haven't injured each other in about four.

#8 "You Should Go Sometime"

I turned her down when she suggested we go on a date. I was working for Starbucks and she was a regular customer. I was new in town and I noticed her a couple of times. She said there was an amazing taco place down the road and that we should go some time. I misheard her, thinking she said: "You should go sometime". I replied with, "I'll definitely check it out!" I handed her a drink and she left very awkwardly.

She was back in the next day and, against all odds, I was able to clear up the misunderstanding and I wrote my number on her Starbucks cup. We went to that taco place for our first date and she was right, it was amazing. Three years married and 2 kids later... I'm really glad she saw through my awkwardness.

#9 Please Call Me Back!

We met on our first day of high school. This was before cell phones, and her parents owned a business. They set their voicemail in a business manner in that you dial one for father, two for mother, and so on. I found out later that it was practice for their office line and that this line went to the same recording. No matter what. I left so many messages of "call me" ramblings. They. Were. On. Vacation. Her, her four siblings and her parents listened to it all on speakerphone.

#10 Weird Al Isn't Welcome

I played Weird Al CDs non-stop for a six-hour car trip to the beach. She didn’t ditch me but I haven’t been allowed to play Weird Al in her presence for the past 24 years. We got tickets to see him this year on our anniversary and I knew better than to ask her to join me, so I took a couple of my kids that appreciate the finer things in life. Best anniversary gift ever. Great show.

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#11 Well, I Wasn't Expecting That

Wife here. We were leaving his new apartment and keep in mind we had been dating for a short amount of time. We hadn't been through a lot of firsts yet. His apartment was on the back of the building so we had to walk through a small passage to get to the other side in order to leave. Imagine this passage is slightly shadowed but the light shoots through it so it creates this romantic silhouette. As we left his apartment and walked into this passage area, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him (I thought he was going to put my hand around his waist—how romantic!). Well, he locked my hand on his butt and loudly farted. It was a very brave move for a new couple. We’ve been married for 13 years now.

#12 Our Kids Will Be Named After Me

My husband told me on our first date, “Just so you know, if we ever have a son, he needs to be named after me. I’m the fifth and I could never break the tradition.” I thought it was a super weird thing to say on a first date, but thankfully I decided to overlook that red flag. Fourteen years later, our son, who is named after him, just turned three.

#13 That's Not What I Meant

We had just gotten into our car after watching a movie. She said asked if I wanted to mess around so I said sure. It was winter so I took her to an old parking lot and proceeded to do donuts with the car. She was white as a ghost and her eyes almost popped out of her head. She had meant the other kind of mess around. We will be married 18 years in few months. Now, she specifically spells out when she wants to fool around.

#14 A Pair of Stalkers

My dad stalked my mom. They worked together and he had a huge crush on her. He would sniff her coat when no one was looking, listen into conversations to learn what she liked, and would stare at her constantly while she worked at her desk. It worked out, of course, because plot twist: my mom stalked him right back, having on separate occasions followed him home and try to find out places he liked to hang out. They have been married for almost thirty-five years and they are the happiest couple I know.

#15 Ouch!

Wife here! About three weeks into dating, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and spin me around in his driveway. Unfortunately, it was not his most brilliant idea and he tripped and we fell right on to the concrete next to my car. He landed right on top of me, so I was sandwiched between him and the hard concrete floor.

#16 Big Mistake

We were transitioning from that uncomfortable-to-comfortable phase. I was sitting across the room while she did homework. I farted pretty loudly and she looked me in the eyes and fired back. Luckily, I had another in the chamber and asserted my dominance. To my surprise, she matched it for a second time, but even louder. Having this all happen in a span of two seconds and thinking it was pretty funny, I tried to top her by forcing one more out to reign supreme. Well.... let’s just say it wasn’t a fart I forced out. This is now one of her favorite stories to tell close friends and family. We’ve been married for four years though, so l guess it all worked out for me.

#17 Bad Cat

The very first time he stayed at my house (after about three hours of my two male roommates trying to make him uncomfortable), we went to bed and he put his contacts in two shot glasses of water because he had no case with him. I don’t know if that’s a dumb thing to do. I’ve never worn them. Maybe we were drinking and that seemed like a good idea? Anyway... he had never had a pet and was kind of weirded out by my cat standing beside him and meowing at him all night. We woke up the next day to find out the cat drank all the water from the shot glasses, contacts included. I had to help him home because he is seriously blind without them. He still wanted to see me again even though the night was weird, and the cat became his best friend, despite some initial skepticism on both their parts.

#18 That Wasn't What it Sounded Like... Honest

Our first kiss is the one that sticks out in my mind. We kissed and right as we kissed, some air moved in my throat. It sounded like a burp but it wasn't. It seemed like I burped right into her mouth and I was mortified. She now knows it wasn't a burp, but at the time... not so much. I'm such a lucky fool and had some big blunders early while learning who I am and who she is. I'm lucky someone so wonderful saw past the stupid young person I was.

#19 Where Were You!

In college, I got a pretty severe bronchial infection. I had a fever of 103 and felt pretty useless. My boyfriend (now husband of 12 years) said he was going to go rent some movies from Blockbuster and come back so that we could just chill for the weekend. Blockbuster was a five-minute drive from our apartment. An hour went by and he wasn't back. I called his cell phone and he didn't answer. Another hour went by and I called again, no answer. Two more hours went by and I was blowing up his cell phone, terrified that he got in an accident and I had no way of going out to look for him. An hour later (five hours after he left) he called me and said he was on his way home. He went to a friend's house to help him rebuild the engine in his car. It took a long time for me to forgive him. And I still get mad thinking about it.

#20 The Best Brother

I didn't ask her for her number the first time we hung out, knowing I may never see her again. A friend of mine, a girl who was a social butterfly who I had met at a party, came over to my place. I lived there with my brother and a friend. We were watching the movie Goodfellas. I had seen the movie a few times before, so I ended up going to sleep before it was over. I had to work early the next day and it was already pushing 1 a.m. My brother, knowing that I liked her, got her number for me. We're now married.

#21 My Bad

#22 Uh, That's Not What I Meant... I Promise!

On my first date with my wife, we got to talking about tattoos. I have a rule that if I have an idea for a tattoo, I sit on it for a while to see if I really would still want it. I mentioned this to her and explained how glad I was that I do this because, otherwise, I'd be covered in regretful tattoos, like from the band Tool. She rolled up her sleeve to show me that she had the lyrics to one of their songs tattooed across her arm.

#23 Chatty Cathy

It wasn't until after we were married that my wife told me that I almost didn't get a second date because I talked way too much during the movie. I don't really remember it but apparently I was leaning over every 30 seconds or so to tell her what I was thinking. Also, "Valkyrie", with Tom Cruise probably wasn't that great of a date movie, but it all worked out in the end.

#24 Missing Eyelashes

Wife here. About three weeks into dating, my husband invited me to a house party at his best friend's place. We were playing beer pong and having fun. The other team was up and they tossed the ball. I leaned forward to try to block it and my now-husband extended his hand out in front of me at the same time, catching the ball and hitting me in the eye. Somehow, he pulled out 3/4 of my eyelashes. He felt terrible about it and tried to burn off his eyelashes in drunken sympathy. He hates when I bring it up but I think it's the funniest story!

#25 You're Not My Girlfriend

One time, I went up to my girlfriend in a busy mall and put my arms around her from behind. I said hello and went to kiss her neck. At about that moment, the stranger I was hugging said “Uh, hi,” and may as well have emitted 50,000 volts based on how fast and far I jumped. She thought it was hilarious, and my girlfriend who had seen me do it also thought it was hilarious. Everybody in the vicinity who saw it happen also happened to think it was hilarious.

#26 Bad First Kiss

I was on a first date with my wife. At the end of the night, I went to kiss her on the cheek. She thought I was leaning in for a hug and leaned in too. As she leaned in I turned my head and instead of her cheek I kissed her neck. I turned super red and got embarrassed. I said goodbye and almost pushed her out of the door at my apartment. I immediately texted her sorry as well and she laughed. Three years into marriage she apparently didn’t care.

#27 Someone's Watching Me

The night I met my husband, he stared at me while I was sleeping. For four hours straight. It's been three years. He still stares at me until I scold him for it. Then, he waits until he thinks I won't notice and starts staring again. I love him to the moon and back, even though he won't stop staring at me while I'm asleep in bed.

#28 Let it Rip

I know what my husband would say because I still tease him to this day. We had been dating for two weeks and were spooning on his futon, watching a movie. Out of nowhere, he said, "I'm really sorry, I can't hold it in anymore." And ripped a HUGE fart. My husband is a very clean, tight knit, prudish kind of guy, so I couldn't help but let out the biggest laugh while he turned about as red as his beard.

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#29 Oh, Hi Mother-In-Law

I had just started a job working with my wife and (unbeknownst to me at the time) her mom. Her mom and I did not get along. To start up a conversation with my now-wife, I said to her, “What’s up with that awful woman?”She said “Oh, I’ll tell my mom you said hi." But hey, here we are, married 16 years so...

#30 Please Don't Do That Again

When we were first dating, my husband and I were holding hands when he had to cough. Instead of letting go of my hand and covering his mouth, he continued to hold on and brought our hands up to his mouth. He coughed into my hand. Luckily, it was a dry cough. If it was anything more I would have definitely run.

#31 Always Cook Your Burger Thoroughly

I made myself a burger for dinner before heading over to my now-wife's place to hang out. Unfortunately, I'm not the best cook and I left a little too much pink in that burger. While we were at her house, I bet her I could fit through the doggy door and crawled right through. Then, she immediately closed it behind me and we raced to the front door, she won and she locked it. Now, at this exact moment, my bowels decided they had enough of that burger from earlier and I felt my stomach cramp.

Luckily, I held it all in and ran back to the back door with my cheeks clenched and starting knocking desperately in the door. She was laughing at first but when she saw my face go suddenly serious, I said very calmly, "I need you to open the door.... Now please." She unlocked the door and asked if I was okay, I told her to stay downstairs and turn the TV up loud. She agreed but was very confused.

So I ran upstairs and then had one of the most violent bathroom breaks of my whole life. I thought the worst was behind me until I saw that there was no toilet paper. When I yelled to her, texted her, and called her, I got no answer. After probably like 10 missed calls, she finally answered and I asked her to bring me some toilet paper, leave it outside the door, and try not to breathe on the way upstairs. She was great about it and immediately started making fun of me when I came back downstairs. Now, quite a few years later a couple kids and a cat, she's still making fun of me.

#32 Help Yourself

We were taking a shower together and she was soaping up while I was under the hot water rinsing off. She slipped and instead of grabbing her, I pulled away, thinking for some reason that I’d already rinsed off and didn’t want to get soapy. She caught herself on the shower curtain and didn’t get hurt, thankfully. But she was not happy. My explanation of my faulty thinking didn’t help at all, either. We laugh about it now but it took some serious smoothing over at the time.

#33 Is Your Face Okay?

I was sitting on the couch as we were playing Wii bowling. She was standing behind the couch, lovingly holding me. As I drew back the Wii remote ready to play, I must have caught her, and WHAM! I wacked her in the face with the Wii remote at full strength. Her mom was also in the room.

#34 Broken Thumbs, Broken Hearts

Wife here. My husband broke my thumb one night when we were slightly tipsy. Our horseplay got a little too rough and I think he slammed my hand against something. I can't quite remember. I do remember, though, that we both heard the pop and I immediately started crying. We're married now, but that was an awful night.

#35 Won't Do That Again

I forgot my wallet on a first date. It fell out of my hoodie pocket when I dropped my car off at the mechanic and borrowed my mom's car for the day. Fortunately, we were just getting Panera. Unfortunately, she thought I was just a scrub and wasn't thrilled about paying for both of us. She didn't talk to me again. I did see her like six months later while I was out at a club with a new girlfriend who is now my wife. That was mortifying.

#36 I Lost Your Number

My uncle didn't call his now-wife for over a year after they first met and he got her number. He kept the paper she wrote it on and ended up finding it and calling her. He asked if she still remembered him and if she was still interested in going on a date.

#37 Don't Spear-Tackle Your Girlfriend

I once spear-tackled my then-girlfriend out of misplaced enthusiasm in high school. I was excited to see her and handled it as badly as possible. It was in front of a bunch of our friends and I ended up knocking the wind out of her and making her cry. That was about 17 years ago, and we're still together. I also licked my plate at a fancy restaurant because the salad dressing was so good. She still brings that one up every few years.

#38 It's Stolen. Call the Police

We drank a lot on our second date and Ubered home. The next day, we went back to get his car and it wasn't there. He was so devastated. He had just bought it and it was stolen. We filed a police report. It took forever and just generally sucked. We walked to his friend's house nearby, and there was his car, perfectly un-stolen. He drank so much he forgot he moved it before our date. Now, once in a while when we're trying to find our car in the grocery store parking lot or wherever, one of us will say "It's stolen. Call the police."

#39 A Proposal to Remember

When I kneeled to propose to my then-girlfriend (now-wife), I landed on a sharp rock and we had to go to the ER because it lodged in my kneecap.

#40 Sorry About That

For our second date, I had invited her out with myself and some friends to celebrate a friend getting a job. I drank. Heavily. She was my designated driver. She drove me home and as she pulled up to the curb, I threw open the door, rolled out of the car, and threw up into the gutter. She then offered to help me cross the street, to which I responded by yelling, "I'M DISGUSTING," and sprinted across the street.

Once inside, I brushed my teeth aggressively. She asked what I was doing and I told her I needed to clean my mouth so I could kiss her. After I was done, I walked to my room, laid down, and immediately fell asleep. She spent the night to make sure I was okay. I'm now holding our baby girl who was born just last week. I asked her at one point why she stayed with me through that and she said it was because even though I had been drinking, I was still gentle and kind and asked her if she was having fun. I introduced her to everyone I knew. I'm a lucky guy.

#41 Scarred Her for Life

I flicked a dime at her head. We were playing table football. Not sure what I was thinking. She has a scar. I kiss it every night before we go to bed. We are married and have three kids.

#42 Face Palm

My then-girlfriend was about to sneeze and she was sitting half on my lap, so I kind of thought she was going to sneeze on me. I don't know what I was thinking, but I put my hand up to block her sneeze, except I had a glass in my hand. I blocked her own hand from covering her sneeze and instead, she slammed her face into my glass. We've been married six years now. She still has all her teeth.

#43 I Set Fire to my Girlfriend's Hair

I accidentally set her hair on fire with a match while lighting a cigarette. Not good. We are still married 29 years later. I don't smoke anymore.

#44 I Guess I'll Pay

On our first dinner date, my husband ordered loads of food to show me his favorites at an Indian restaurant—and forgot his wallet at home. He only discovered that he had forgotten it when the check had arrived. That meal cleared me out well over a hundred bucks and he was absolutely mortified, but we've been married for nearly two years now so it all worked out.

#45 Don't Make Me Walk That in Heels

I insisted that everything in San Francisco was walking distance from everything else, and decided that we should walk from Pier 39 to Golden Gate Park. It is walkable, but not third-date walkable, or whatever-shoes-she-happened-to-be-wearing-that-day walkable. That was a bit of a disaster, but now we're married, so everything turned out okay.