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#1 Lose Your Wallet, End Up A Crime Suspect
A friend of mine was previously a skydiving instructor in Colorado and had jumped more than 600 times. One of these times, he had his wallet in his suit, and it fell out. It fell to Earth somewhere, and he figured, “This sucks but OH WELL!” He had no chance of finding it.
Separately, a man in rural Colorado was found lifeless. It turns out, in his remote cabin where he lived with his daughter, he had been hurting her, and she finally had enough and ended him. The police searched all of his property and found my friend's wallet in the trunk of his car. Police thought to themselves, “What an idiot, the criminal left his WALLET in this guy's trunk, easiest arrest ever.”
My friend had the super believable alibi of: “It couldn’t have been me, officer—actually, that wallet fell out of my pants while I was skydiving.”
#2 The Kindest Thief Around
He got more confident and asked for my phone. I said, "No, not the phone man, I need it," and he was like, "Fine it's okay, don't worry, we're chill."
#3 Smooth Criminal
#4 Clowns Sure Are Funny
At one point, I glanced over to my right, and there was a van full of clowns. They were miming and making out at us. They pulled away laughing.
#5 The Fastest Walker Alive
#6 How To Get Away With Stealing A Car
I accidentally stole a car.
I had just gotten off work. I was working two jobs at the time, and I got barely any sleep. I walked out and got into my car, started it up, and drove home.
I didn't realize something was wrong until I couldn't find my AUX cord, and then I realized that there were things in the car that was not mine... Like the child seat in the back. I was an 18 year old with no kids. I flipped a u-turn and hauled myself quickly back to work to hopefully get the car back before its owner notices its gone.
I didn't. Cops were there, and I was very quickly arrested. The owner dropped charges after three things were done.
1: I showed my keys unlocked and started her car. Then, I pointed to my car which was the same model, color, and year.
2: One of my co-workers vouched for the fact that the customer parked in the spot I almost always parked in.
3: Camera footage was pulled for the past nine days I had worked, and it showed that 7 of those days, I parked in that spot.
#7 Someone Went Fishing In The Forest And Caught A Child
#8 The Unforgettable Kindness Of Teachers
#9 In Small Towns, Everyone Is Family
A stranger overheard my sister and I arguing about this and offered me a ride home. He said he could just put my bike in the back of his truck and everything would be fine. My sister agreed because she didn’t want to have to call my parents to pick us up and she was tired of my whining.
I realized on the drive home that I hadn’t given the man directions or told him my name, but he somehow knew my name and where I lived. He dropped me off at home, helped me put my bike in the garage, and then drove down the road to visit my grandparents. It turns out; the man was my grandpa’s brother (one of 12 siblings). He recognized me because I looked just like my mom did at that age.
#10 Revolutions Begin With Tinfoil
I was in AP English, and we were silent reading. I was chewing my way through an 18-pack of gum, twisting the foil wrappers around the tips of my fingers into spikes and passing them to the punk kid behind me when I was finished. I don't know why I just did.
At some point, I had given him enough for him to cap all ten fingers. He jumped out of his seat wiggling his tinfoil-covered hands in the air, shouted "The revolution is upon us!" and ran out of the room.
He came back about twenty minutes later. The teacher looked at him and said, "Did you have a nice break, Diego?" He nodded and went to sit back down.
#11 What's The Difference Between A Bomb And A Camera Case?
So he and his buddies would play football on the school field when school wasn't in session, and one time there were people doing a photo op on the field, and they left their camera case. My boss, thinking it would be a kind gesture, brought the case to the main entrance so that the people could come back for it. Next time he was in school, he was waiting in the cafeteria for the first bell to ring, but the staff told them to stay in the cafeteria. They thought the camera case was a bomb when it was not.
#12 I Don't Speak English
A few weeks ago, I was visiting Los Angeles. I’m from Spain, but I’m fluent in English. I needed help finding directions to a certain address. I’m in downtown at this point, on foot.
I ask a guy in the street if he knows where the address is. He responds with, “No hablo inglés” which is, “I don’t speak English” in Spanish. Being from Spain, I understood him and asked him again in Spanish. Then he says, in crystal clear English, “Dude, I just don’t wanna talk to anyone. Leave me alone.”
#13 This Music Teacher Tells It How It Is
When I was in middle school, I joined choir because I loved to sing. During rehearsals for one of our big showcases, the choir teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I could mouth the words to the songs instead of singing. My heart broke, I dropped the class, and I joined art. Forget you, Mr. Martin!
#14 The Quiet Kid Speaks Up For Once And Says The Weirdest Thing
#15 That's One Way To Clean Up Spaghetti
Well, we had leftovers on the drive home, and my sister decided she was hungry. She wasn’t wearing pants, don’t remember why not. She ends up spilling the entire carton of leftover pasta onto her underwear. We all start screaming because we have nothing to clean the pasta up with, so my sister decides to use her underwear to clean up the spaghetti.
Well, now we have spaghetti in her underwear, which isn’t very helpful. So, what do we do with the spaghetti underwear? We throw it out the window. The underwear hit a car and splatters the windshield with spaghetti.
I’m really glad we don’t go on many road trips anymore.
#16 Peacocks Are Mean
I honestly hesitated going out a couple of times because of the peacock block.
Don't get fooled by their feathers; those guys are heartless like a Canadian winter.
An old lady would always bring food to an old, sick stray cat, and I saw the monster pushing the cat away to steal the food.
Someone eventually took care of it after three days. I hope it became a TV star on the rotisserie channel.
#17 They Were Either Aliens Or In A Cult
#18 The Jalepeño Guy
This is what he's known for at work now.
#19 Just Get On The Bus
I was walking to the mailbox late one morning because I was expecting something important. The mailbox is roughly a half mile from my house, and on the way, I have to pass a bus stop. I was moseying along when I see the bus pull up. I don’t think much of it because I’m not getting on the bus, I’m just going to the mailbox. Well, the bus waits and waits and waits. The bus is not leaving without me. Do I walk past the bus and ignore the situation? Do I thank the driver for waiting but explain I’m just getting the mail? No. I get on the bus. What do I do next? I miss the stop I was planning to get off on. Next stop? The next town over. The bus only comes by once an hour. And that is how I ended up in a Walmart parking lot at noon. Never did make it to the mailbox.
#20 Grand Theft Polly Pocket
#21 The "Elephant" Mask
#22 Call Him General Underwear
#23 This Babysitter Took Her Job Very Seriously
My local library was having one of those book sales, and while I was looking through the comic book section, this nice old lady comes up to me and starts browsing too. I think nothing of it, but then:
"If you were going into Grade 8, what kind of comics would you like?" She kindly asked me.
I asked her why, and she explained that a girl she was babysitting was going to be in Grade 8 in a few months and that she was getting her some books as a gift. I showed her some of the ones that I thought would be liked by any girl, and then we both parted ways.
I know it wasn't much, but it touched my heart. I know I would have loved a babysitter like that.
#24 Proof Of His Eyebrow
#25 Bigfoot Moved To Iraq
#26 McLovin For The Win
I was on a business trip and was waiting for my flight when I decided to get dinner at one of the airport restaurants. The waitress asks me what I'll have to drink, and I ask what's on tap because, why not. I order a Corona, but she asks for my ID. So I hand her my McLovin ID. She looks at it, smiles, and says "Okay," then comes back with my beer. The cherry on top was when she came back a couple minutes later with another beer and gave it to me for free, saying she had accidentally poured an extra.
That was the best moment of my otherwise uneventful and vanilla life!
#27 An Interesting Way To Clean
"How does your boyfriend's roommate clean cups?"
I would answer:
"He uses the cup, then proceeds to run it under water while rubbing his thumb where his lips went. Then puts it back in the cabinet. We just found this out yesterday, and we are all mortified. He does this to glasses that we all use and also plates."
Help.
#28 Never Stay Mad, No Matter What They Did
Four weeks later, she was killed in a traffic incident. She was a reporter, and an idiot in a truck ran over her while doing her job.
I still feel horrible about it.
#29 Just Ask Google
My retired mom claims she is so bad with technology. The thing is, she pays attention to the error messages she gets and uses Google to find solutions.
#30 Dreams Do Come True
#31 Where Sea Cows Come From
My sister had a small plastic cow she kept in her pocket for like, a year, named Mooey. One day, she ran upstairs crying to me that she had accidentally flushed him down the toilet, so we held a vigil with candles around the bowl. My dad told her he was a sea cow now.
#32 Lost In The Digital World
And then it hit me.
#33 He Could Have Gone On To Be A Star
My older sister and I have the same initials. One time in primary school, my parents got a letter in the post saying that M.M. has been invited to an audition to sing in the national youth choir. They just naturally assumed that the "M" referred to my older sister. When they arrived at the audition, it turned out that the invitation was for me. They only told me about it years afterward. I still feel betrayed.
#34 That's One Way To Catch Up With An Old Friend
#35 This Family Code Works Through Comas
#36 The Lies Parents Tell Their Children
They didn’t want to pay for me to enter the theme parks so they didn’t want me to blurt out that I was four when they told the ticket sellers that I was three.
#37 An Awkward Funeral
She was giving birth at home and died during childbirth. The baby died too. The problem is, she didn't know she was pregnant the whole time and her husband (my friend) was 100% sterile.
The funeral was awkward, grieving for his dead wife and her love child. Mixed emotions to say the least.
#38 Messing With Tourists Is Fun
#39 War Stories Are The Best Stories
#40 All Hail The Wizard Of Dirt
#41 Banana Peels
#42 Kids Have No Shame
#43 Traveling The Old-Fashioned Way
#44 The Only Person Who Doesn't Want Long Eyelashes
Well once when I was five, I went to the grocery store with my mom and the cashier pointed out my eyelashes and was doing the usual, “Wow her eyelashes are so long! They’re amazing, so pretty!” and I guess I had enough of it. So I went home, grabbed a pair of scissors, and tried to trim my eyelashes out of my angry 5-year-old spite.
I don’t remember much after that, but apparently, my mom came into my room crying because I cut them crooked, and she just laughed over how ridiculous I was being. I had to go to kindergarten that whole month with lopsided, weirdly cut eyelashes.
#1 Showing Up To The Interview In Style
