One fry short of a Happy Meal. Not the brightest bulb in the drawer. One apple short of an orchard. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. There are a lot of ways to say someone’s dumb, but we’ll let these deranged stories speak for themselves.
1. Blond Boomerang
I worked for a big chain grocery store. There was this one blond woman who would come in all time and cause chaos to no end. One example of her ridiculous and unnecessary nonsense included buying a 15-pound turkey and complaining that it tasted bad and wanting to return it.
Another time, she bought a $37 plant, did not water it, showed up a year and a half later with the plant (a complete goner), and demanded a refund.
Then she bought a grill, used 10 gallons of gasoline as fuel, caused an understandable fire, came back with the receipt and charred grill, and demanded a refund. I could go on.
This would be a weekly, if not bi-weekly, happening. It got to the point where many cashiers would see her enter the store, turn off their light, and leave. Now, when I say she made a fuss, I'm not talking about your normal "I want to speak to your manager" type deal. Oh no, she went beyond that and went even further.
She would rant and rave, roll around on the floor, throw things, and call the authorities. All of which I witnessed and kept count at 87 times. She would even pull out her cell phone and film it to report us to the media. She was eventually banned from the store after years of this.
2. Febreeze Haviblad
I had a very stupid roommate once. She thought the song “Feliz Navidad” was “Febreeze Haviblad.” She waved a smudge stick in your face claiming “bad vibes” when you brought up that she might do the dishes once in a while. She thought she was the leader of a wolf pack and became very angry if friends did not knock by scratching on the door with their fingernails.
She damaged all the Teflon frying pans in the house by slicing bacon with a steak blade while it was frying in the pan. Suggesting a “cutting board” would lead to a smudge stick waving. She said if you just left spilled juice, it would all evaporate into the air and the floor would be clean after a day or so. She claimed this after spilling an entire bottle of grape juice inside of the fridge.
She had two cats: one was the dumbest I have ever seen, the other one was delightfully catlike. She was convinced that the dumb cat who frequently walked into walls was bright. She thought the regular cat was an idiot. Used to jeer at Regular Cat for doing “weird, uncatlike” things like sitting on the fridge and bathing itself. Oh, and it gets even worse.
She claimed that all scientists were idiots. She also claimed everyone else in the world was an idiot. She got the power turned off because she thought that hiding the bills and the red cards would fix the problem. She was wrong about that. The money she had been sent every month for my share of the hydro? She spent it.
She did not notice that I had a job and, when she inquired where I went five days a week, believed our other roommate who sarcastically said that I went to the carnival. She then screeched that I should earn my own money instead of getting a “free ride in life.” Especially cheeky since she often boasted about her goal to live on welfare forever.
She posed for social clout by being afflicted by OCD, because she liked the smell of Pine-Sol so she decided she was a clean freak. She was never spotted cleaning during the entire tenancy. Then she posed for social clout by claiming anorexia, found this hilarious to do, and was gleeful whenever people worried about her. She also claimed anorexia to welfare so that she would get a special allotment of extra money for food every month.
When she held laptops, she would hold them gripped and pointing down, like one would carry a suitcase. Also, one day, when I left my laptop in the open (dumb of me), she dented it somehow and also returned it with multiple keyboard keys missing. She blamed the damage on her cats, who she said must have playfully batted the keys out. Honestly, her stupidity was endless.
She thought Superman was in hiding in a government lair. She didn't believe in concussions. More probing revealed that she thought concussions were bruises that people were being dramatic about. She was surprised on a few occasions that she could be seen by the human eye if she was avoiding eye contact and kind of stealth walking while pressed against a wall.
3. This Training Got Derailed
I was put in charge of training a girl at a coffee shop I worked at. This girl was beyond simple and it was amazing the simple things I had to explain to her. She didn't know how to make coffee, I literally had to tell her "Okay, now pour the coffee in until it reaches this line, no, pour it slower, don't dump the whole pot over the cup."
When trying to train her on the register I don't know if she couldn't count, or just refused to. A total would be $5.98 and she'd tell the person it was $6, when people gave her anything but bills she'd stare at the change and ask me how much that was or she'd say, "That's $2 right?" And there'd be like 50¢ on the counter in dimes and pennies.
I tried training her on the sandwich station, she would pack the food frozen into the bags and just hand it out. On her breaks, I'd have to constantly remind her that 15 minutes means 15 minutes, not 20, not 30, not an hour. We were allowed to have food at work for free within reason and only in the back. She would reach into the pastry case with her bare hand, pick up an item and just eat it at the register or right next to the case.
There was a lot more she'd do wrong and it got to the point where I thought she was trying to purposefully get fired.
4. A Special Kind Of Dumb
Let me tell you about this woman that my uncle dated for a while. She was really a special kind of dumb. I'm just gonna go ahead and list the top three that I can remember, but I'm almost certain there's more. These stories were all told to me years later as I wasn't around at the time. It's a running joke between some family members.
The first two examples of her stupidity are about food. This woman somehow got it into her head that pork chops came from horses. I’m not sure where that came from, I guess the word pork wasn’t enough of a clue. She went grocery shopping once and assumed that whatever number of chicken legs came in a pack was how many legs that chicken must have had.
She met a guy who had lost a portion of his ear in some kind of accident. Upon meeting she just asked him with no class at all: "Hey, what happened to your ear?" His response: "I turned my head too fast and bit my earlobe off." She was totally cool with that answer. There was also something to do with a moose, but I can't remember the specifics on that.
5. It's Been a Privilege
In college, I had a friend named Mally. She was a couple of years younger than the rest of the people in our group and still lived at home with her parents. They had very strict cultural beliefs about how an unmarried woman should not live away from home. Still, her dad was a doctor and also had family money, so they were quite wealthy for our area.
The sort of wealthy where for her 16th birthday, they bought her a Porsche, and when they didn't think she thanked them adequately for it, they returned it. Anyway, I remember when the group of us were at some of the guys' on-campus apartment, their toilet clogged. Mally, without really blinking, said we should call our plumber to get it fixed.
Of course, the guys were like "Uh, no? It's just clogged. Why would we call a plumber?" to which Mally, who was very confused, replied, "Because that's what plumbers do? Why would you do it yourself?" So we then explained first, how expensive plumbers are, and second, how the average person does not call a plumber for a slightly clogged toilet. But it took an even more ridiculous turn.
Mally was confused and then asked, "Well, what do you do when a light bulb burns out? Change it yourself?" and obviously, we were all nodding and saying "Yeah, absolutely." So that was when we discovered just how sheltered and out of touch Mally was with how normal people do things. We specifically learned that she didn't know how to change a light bulb. Or anything, really.
By anything I mean: change a light bulb, plunge a toilet, cook anything, put gas in her car. All because either their maids did it for her or her dad did. It blew her mind when we explained that those are very normal things to know how to do. Eventually, we ended up showing her how to do all those things for herself.
6. This Kid Rubbed Me The Wrong Way
As a veteran special education teacher, I have had my fair share of kids and families who just didn’t get it. Let’s just say for some students I wondered what the heck was happening. I only had to meet the parents and it all became abundantly clear. My worst example was a student, sixth-grader, who would “rub” himself in class. At his desk…all the time.
My male teaching assistant and I both took him aside on multiple occasions and explained how that was not appropriate to do in class or around other people. He acted like he didn’t know what we were talking about every single time. So I called a meeting with his mom, the principal (who we had reported this to), the school counselor, and me.
So the mom shows up in sweats, bathrobe, and slippers. Hey, I have no judgments. I explain my concerns, how his behavior was making the other kids uncomfortable, and how inappropriate said behavior is. The counselor offered to find therapy services, etc., etc. The student’s mom was quiet for a while, then she gave us her disturbing answer. She said, “Well I never thought anything about it, his dad sits around all day rubbing himself. Don’t bother none of us.”
These are things teachers face, more often than you think. It was also a lost DHS call because nothing was done.
7. We've Got an Emergency
I work as an EMT for a private company, so we mostly deal with nursing homes and the elderly. One day when I was about 6-8 months in, I got assigned a partner who was in my orientation class. He was a little older than me at the time, like the mid 20s, but he seemed a little childish. "Maybe he's just sheltered," I think to myself. I was proven so, so wrong.
We got a patient I've had a few times before. She was a sweet, little old lady living at an assisted living center. The call was for pneumonia. She's prone to this stuff so it wasn't a huge deal, place her on oxygen and keep her sitting up until we get to the hospital. The first red flag though, was that this kid I was working with didn't know anything.
He didn't know how to take blood pressure. He couldn't find the medical history or medication on the paperwork, which is clearly labeled. He didn't even push the stretcher, he just walked next to it with a hand on it. When I asked him about all that, he said "My partners usually do that for me." So, I put her in an oxygen mask and sat her all the way up, mildly agitated.
I tell myself it's just one shift with this kid. He's in the back with her and I tell him to just switch the oxygen from the bag to the main tank because with the amount of oxygen we're giving her, the bag will run out before we hit the hospital. It's about a 25 minute drive. When we pull up to the hospital and I open the back doors, I'm shook.
She was pale, I can literally see her muscles moving as she's struggling to breathe. And this kid was sitting behind her with a clueless half smile on his face. He looks at me and says, "The main tank is broken, so I left her on the bag." This woman, who needs oxygen even without pneumonia, was barely breathing for at LEAST 15 minutes.
And this idiot didn't even check. We take her into the hospital. I ask him to find an oxygen tank while explaining to this woman's daughter what happened. He says he doesn't know where to look. I found it and told him to talk to the daughter. When it's all said and done, I check to see what's "broken" on the tank. Guess what? He didn't turn on the tank.
8. Alleged Dognapping
So, this happened to me about two weeks ago. I was on a walk with my dog and when I came back I saw two people standing at the corner in front of us with a dog that wasn't on a leash. I decided not to risk anything, like the other dog attacking mine due to aggression or fear, and wanted to go home through our back gate.
Now, the gate has been a bit broken for some time but that day, I couldn't even turn the key in the lock. It was completely rusted away. So I thought I'd just lift my dog over the gate and go around the corner and enter through the front gate. Those two people were watching me the whole time and after I passed them, they were gone.
So, I went home, walked through my garden to the back gate, where my dog always sat and watched the people who passed by. The two idiots were coming towards the gate and looked at my dog—probably to see if it was the same dog. They started whispering about whether it was the same dog as before, and about calling the authorities on me.
It turns out they thought I had either taken the dog of another person or abandoned my own dog. So I stepped in and took a look outside. They didn't know I was there this whole time and when they left, one of them said: "Yeah, I think she might live here.” I'm still laughing about this and trying to imagine what they were thinking.
That I'd take a dog without permission to take him for a walk, then bring him back, or that I'd abandon him in someone's garden?! Also, if I were to take a dog without permission, why would I do it if there are two people observing me? That was really weird.
This story is about me. I just moved into my first home in February of this year. I live alone and am single. Earlier this month, I mowed my lawn for the first time. I have never mowed a lawn before, but I'm thinking, how hard can it be? Prior to that, I had roped my brother into coming over and doing it for me, but this time I figured I need to actually learn.
The lawnmower is an old push mower of my dad's that he had brought over about a month ago, and he quickly gave me the rundown on how to use it, but I was half paying attention, plus...it's a lawnmower. So anyway, I go to start it up, and it takes me at least 10 tries of pulling the cord as hard as I can with no luck until finally it fires up.
I then proceed to begin mowing, and I KNOW this thing is self-propelling—it says so right on it, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why it's so hard to push. The wheels aren't locked or anything, so I just figure it's a combination of me not having much upper body strength and my lawn having a lot of divots that prevented the mower from moving smoothly.
I finally finished, sweating like I had just finished seriously working out. Upon reflection, I'm still not convinced that the mower was self-propelling. So I'm sharing this story with friends and coworkers like "what did I do wrong," and they're all asking me about this lever, and I'm like yeah, obviously I had to hold the lever down or the motor stops.
Well, turns out there's a SECOND lever that you have to squeeze in order to propel the lawnmower. I manually pushed that thing around my whole yard, divots, hills and all, and ended up with a blister on my thumb, and sweating profusely through my shirt. So, at the age of 32, I have finally learned to use a lawnmower.
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10. Inching Closer To Stupidity
I worked at a sign-making place. We had an order for bespoke name signs for doors, but the size stated on the order form was 7mm. The sign makers assumed they meant 7 inches so made them to that size. the customer called kicking off, his signs were not the right size and they wanted them exactly as stated on the order form. Fine, 7mm signs coming up.
Our sign makers queried this several times but eventually agreed to make them. The customer called again, kicking off, going absolutely spare, yelling "How can you think anyone would want signs this small?" etc. I read out the order form which referred back to their complaint about 7 inches not being right and being adamant that we make them to the exact size mentioned on the order form.
The customer then proceeds to argue about the size they requested and I had to ask the customer to get a ruler and look at the "mm" and measure 7mm, and she still argued saying I was wrong. Obviously arguing about how big a millimeter is attracted laughs from around the office and I ended up having a crowd around me trying to listen in as this person screamed at me.
It ended up escalating to my manager, who refused to refund the signs or remake, and told them if they wanted them a different size they'd have to put in a new order, then hung up.
11. Lather, Don’t Rinse, Repeat
I once had my ex's parents coming over and needed some help cleaning the house up to get ready for their arrival. I asked my ex to clean the bathroom for me while I cleaned the kitchen, and left him to it. I went in about a half an hour later and the bathroom was somehow dirtier, but the ex was sitting on the couch chilling.
When I asked him why he hadn’t cleaned the bathroom, he looked at me all confused and said he had. I asked him to come in and pointed out all the soap scum everywhere and how it was clearly not clean. He reiterated that he’d cleaned it. I asked him to show me how. His demonstration still haunts me to this day.
He proceeded to pick up a bar of soap, lather up his hands real good, and just...rub everything. He didn’t even rinse it after. Just rubbed everything with soapy hands. And couldn’t understand why I was staring at him open-mouthed.
12. Seasonal Meats
A friend of mine from college introduced a new friend to our group, someone she knew from high school. This friend was...special. She was a very nice person but she was as dumb as a box of rocks AND thought every man wanted to get with her (they didn’t). We didn’t really get to know how special this girl was until we took a weekend trip with her.
It was a very long drive where we found out that she had flunked her driver’s test repeatedly. She said the written test was very difficult. The best part was when we saw some cows and she got excited. It was the beginning of the summer, and she told us the meat would be very good this time of year. Perplexed, we dug a little deeper into that statement.
She was referring to ribs. Ribs were going to be really great this summer. Ok, tell me more. It’s been a good year and rib season is cooking up. WHAT? She thought certain cuts of meat could only be harvested at certain times of the year. She really believed this. She was floored when we told her we could get ribs any time of the year. And that cows are not slaughtered in stages.
13. If The Shirt Fits
I guess we were still in high school, but we were 18. My buddy Ferris and I were just getting into going to the gym. We went with Ferris’s friend Tom. After working out, in the changing room during some small talk I saw Tom putting on a shirt. Tom put the shirt over his head, but didn’t put his arms through the sleeves. Weird.
He managed to pull the shirt over his torso so that it was adequately on before wiggling all about and bending his arms in odd ways to get them into the sleeves. I didn’t take much notice of it the first few times, but after a few months it was apparent he did this every single time. Tom literally didn’t know how to put on a shirt. At least efficiently.
Eventually, we asked Tom why he put his shirt on like that, and he said something along the lines of, “Wait what, don’t I do it the same way you guys do?” I guess he had never really thought about it before then.
14. A.D. Means Adult Dummy
My first ever roommate/friend from high school. He is one of the dumbest people I've ever met. Here are some examples of his stupidity: He thought "A.D." stood for "After Dinosaurs," despite knowing what "B.C." stood for. No, he was not kidding. Obviously is one of those people that thinks he knows more than scientists/doctors about anything, etc.
He once punched a hole in his door because he was mad at me, and still tries to get me to pay for it to this day. He believed that his "healing crystal" was all the medicine he would need once when he got the flu pretty bad—like, couldn't stop coughing long enough to speak for more than two seconds. He ended up having to go to the hospital for a month and a half once he contracted pneumonia.
This guy pronounces "Labyrinth" as "Lay-bure-anth," which I've never heard before. He got really weirdly defensive and angry when I politely corrected him too. My mother has diabetes and he once casually asked me why she hasn't had her diabetes cured yet. Again, he was totally serious. His logic was that because she wasn’t fat, it should go away.
I once had to explain to him what various words meant, such as "disrepair." My personal favorite was when he had literally no idea what I meant when I referred to my cat as a "feline." This dummy thought cats were also canines, and, in fact, he thought that "canine" just meant pet. This is a 25-year-old man, people.
15. Reach For The Moon
I was moving my wife down to Texas after I’d gotten settled with the job and apartment. She took pictures the whole way. In West Texas, it was super flat, and the moon was barely above the horizon in front of us. It was beautiful so I asked her to take some pics. She pulled out the camera, took a pic or two, and put it away.
I asked if she got a good pic. She said no, it was blurry. So I asked why she didn't take more to get a good one. Her response was legendary. She told me she was waiting until we drove closer to the moon to get a better picture. She literally thought since the moon was above the road in front of us, we would drive closer to it for a better picture.
16. Something Didn’t Quite Add Up
This is about a co-worker. Her ignorance wasn’t obvious at first, and she came from a very religious family so I didn’t think much of my science references going over her head but…here goes. She told me the world is only 2015 years old (it was 2015 at the time). I asked her how Jesus could be born before the earth was created. She didn’t understand my question.
We had a safe we had to balance and I spent more than one evening explaining to her that you subtracted money when it was removed from the safe, and added it when you returned it. To the point where I would remove some money from a till, to show her, and then put it back. And she’d say, “Oh, so the safe is always the same amount.”
No that wasn’t it at all. So I had to repeat myself. I had to explain to this co-worker that: “No, because the person at the register takes money in and gives change out all day, so the balance of the cash register will change, and the amount we put back into the safe will be different each time.” It genuinely baffled her.
She followed me on social media and liked a post I put up about looking into the past by looking at the stars. “The light that reaches us from them is already millions of years old.” She told me my concept of how the world worked was “beautiful and creative.” It took me a moment before I asked what she meant. She thought it was a story. She didn’t know that starlight takes ages to reach earth.
I was talking with a friend in the lunchroom about Egyptian pyramids, I forget why, and he remarked how amazing it was that something that old could still be so huge and important in our lives. She did not know what pyramids were. At this point, I asked her what Bible version she followed, because I was confused about how she could possibly have never heard about the Egyptians. She said “the only Bible.” Oh, and she wasn’t alone.
This woman’s son worked for us as well. He also had some problems with a lack of knowledge and education. I had to explain numbers and counting to him so that he could pick orders correctly. Even though he couldn’t count, he could read. But he told us he wasn’t allowed to read Harry Potter, because that book was about Satan.
He didn’t know that Muslims also worshipped a god, just not the same one. He thought Muslim was the same as terrorist. I think we shouted him down at that point, which was probably not the best way to handle his ignorance but...he seemed to take it on board. I think about them sometimes. I hope they’re okay. I hope the priest who teaches them cares about them too. I hope, I just don’t believe.
17. One Honk Only
I've been going to my local high school’s running track to jog and exercise since lockdown. Well, to park your car, you have to go through a driveway that’s marked with arrows as one way only. The exit’s on the other side of the parking lot. Soccer moms in town are notorious for parking their cars in this driveway.
Blocking the driveway makes it hard to get into the actual parking lot. As I pulled into the driveway, one of these women thought that it was a brilliant idea to put her car into reverse as I was entering. I couldn't swerve out of the way. There was an SUV parked right at the mouth of the entrance that took half the available space.
So, my reaction was to immediately honk my horn. I'll never forget what happened next. She then proceeded to panic, throw the car into drive, and run it into a small boulder that lined the driveway. It ripped the passenger side air deflector clean off. According to her, I was now that awful person that honks her horn for no reason.
18. No Matter How You Slice It, He’s Crazy
I work at a grocery store and a man complained that the second loaf of artisan bread he bought had olives instead of garlic, and it was nasty. I explained all the loaves were different and he asked how he could tell which was which. I pointed out the labels on the baskets. I showed him there's a label on the back of the bread bag, just to be sure he got the garlic loaf he wanted.
This idiot who couldn't even be bothered to read the baskets, or even look at the obvious different color of the bread he bought and blindly ate, NOW decides to read the back label I pointed out. He then demands something that "hasn't got any of that partially hydrogenated stuff in it.” Oh, his cart also had Twinkies in it.
I point out the organic garlic sourdough loaves, to which he suspiciously glares at me, "Yes but is it more expensive?" I knew exactly what to say. I reply with a straight face, "No sir, it's exactly the same price, see?" He left with a loaf HALF the size of the ordinary ones for the SAME price, pleased with himself because it wasn't more expensive. How do these people even support themselves?!
19. She’s Driving Everyone Crazy!
Every Friday, my mother goes grocery shopping. The store is a block away from where she lives and she usually drives there. On this particular day, after she finished shopping, she decided to walk back home. The next morning, she wakes me and my father up in a panic to let us know that her car has been stolen. The authorities come, we fill out all the paperwork, and she gets a rental car for the time being.
That’s not even the best part. The following Friday, she drives again to the grocery market and parks the rental right next to her “stolen” car. Now, her car is a champagne-colored Mitsubishi Diamante—not such a common car or color. Nevertheless, when she sees it, she comments on how similar the car looks to hers, but makes nothing else of it.
A few days later, the authorities call us to let us know that the car is in the grocery store’s parking lot just one block away from our house. Yea, that call was awkward, to say the least. I’ve got plenty of other stories about her, but this is probably the best one.
20. El Stupido
I was in high school and there was one girl who always acted all bandit. She was 17 and had smoked so much, her voice was literally destroyed by nicotine. One day we were in Spanish class and the teacher was getting us to say things in Spanish about what we do to keep ourselves busy during the day. I said, “We go to work.”
And that made the one girl stand up, outraged, and said it was a lame answer because she’d never work. And when the teacher asked her what she does with her life then, she said: “I eat, I smoke, I sleep, and I hang out in the streets with my friends.” Then the teacher asked her what she’d do when she would need a job, and she said “I’ll marry some rich dude and he’ll pay for me.”
My jaw legit hung open and I didn’t know what to say. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that stupid in my entire life. And if you think she was kidding, she wasn’t. She was like that every day. One time she stood at the entrance of the school to give away condoms. When I said I didn’t need them because I was a virgin (I was 15), she laughed at me, pointed, and said: “I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 13, YOU’RE A LOSER.” Hmm…is that how it works?
21. No Connection
A very grumpy high-society woman came to the store saying her brand new 3,000-dollar Microsoft surface bought by her husband was defective because she could not get internet when she was on the move. I quickly realized she was talking about Wi-Fi, so I tried explaining to her how Wi-Fi actually works. Boy, was that a mistake!
I told her that she could not use her Wi-Fi outside her house, but that she could share her smartphone internet connection. She would have none of it. She said I was lying to her and making fun of her. She even asked to speak to my manager, who then proceeded to tell her the exact same thing, almost to the word. She left screaming.
22. A New Era
Years ago, I bought a computer from Dell. I paid for it with my debit card, and excitedly monitored the build status every day, checking in at work, and on my days off going to the library to check on expected shipping updates. When I made the purchase, it was a five to seven-day expectation for delivery. At day ten, when it had gone from "order accepted" to "order prepped" to "order built," it suddenly went back to "order accepted." Turns out, this was Stage One.
I called their customer service line and was told there had been a glitch in the system, and the order got expedited, and soon was back at "order built" and I was just waiting on shipping confirmation. The next day, back to "order accepted" again. This happened every day for five days. Cue another call to customer service.
Apparently, there was a problem with payment, and they referred me back to my bank because the payment was on hold. Called my credit union, and they told me it was just an authorization hold waiting on final confirmation from the merchant. Called Dell back, and they saw the same thing, but even the customer service director couldn't say why it hadn't finalized.
Every time the payment didn't finalize, they literally took the box with the computer off the loading dock and sent it back to stage one, again and again and again. This led to a long hold while the customer service director looked into their billing system, and ended up transferring me to a very nice lady in their accounting department.
Initially, she thought I was an in-house person from the listing dock asking about a customer's order, but quickly got up to speed. She was covering for a co-worker who helped with in-house billing system troubleshooting who was out on vacation, and usually just handled tracking the accounting from Dell, sending parts from one warehouse and factory to another.
Still, she dug in and figured out that the issue was that I was paying with a debit card, not a credit card. Now, debit cards were still relativity new at that point. Most banks capped the amount you could spend per day at $250 to $500, but my credit union was one of only five financial institutions that didn't cap it at all; they proudly noted on a monthly statement insert that the credit union felt that it was your money to manage the way you wanted to.
However, Dell didn't accept debit cards at all, not for a dime, not for the $800 I was trying to spend. The nice lady in accounting, however, had just come back from a conference, and knew that there was a push to get more banks to act like my credit union and remove their spending caps. She told me to hang tight and she was going to get it done for me.
I told her I could change my payment method to a credit card, but she told me that would delay the whole process. Two days later, I got a call from her—and I couldn't believe what she had to say. She had made a presentation to the CEO, CFO, and several VPs, making the case that Dell needed to get ahead of the curve and start accepting debit cards, with no spending limits, because the banking rules were going to be changing very soon and more people were going to be spending money with Dell the way I tried to.
They had to implement a process to start accepting debit cards, which had required a rush overnight change from their merchant bank, and my purchase was their test case. She had me check with my credit union, who showed the funds were officially a purchase and not just an authorization hold, then she called the loading dock and made sure my computer was on a truck. Within ten minutes I had an email with a tracking number. In short, I'm the reason Dell takes debit cards.
23. Blond Boomerang
I worked for a big chain grocery store as bagger and cart wrangler. There was this one overweight blond woman who would come in all time and cause chaos to no end. One example of her ridiculous and unnecessary nonsense included buying a 15-pound turkey and complaining that it tasted bad and wanting to return it.
She presented a platter with an empty carcass except for one piece of meat on one bone. Another time, she bought a $37 plant, did not water it, showed up a year and a half later with the plant as lifeless as a doornail , and demanded a refund. Then she bought a grill, used 10 gallons of gasoline as fuel, caused an understandable fire/explosion, came back with receipt and charred grill, and demanded a refund. I could go on.
This would be a weekly, if not bi-weekly, happening. It got to the point where many cashiers would see her enter the store, turn off their light, and leave. Now, when I say she made a fuss, I'm not talking about your normal "I want to speak to your manager" type deal. Oh no, she went beyond that and went even further. She would rant and rave, throw herself on the floor, roll around, throw things, call 9-1-1, which I witnessed and kept count at 87 times, and pull out her cell phone filming herself being "victimized" to report us to the media.
She was eventually banned from the store after years of this. I heard stories that she began terrorizing our neighbor branch 7 blocks down the road.
24. Revenge Of The Nerds
The idiots in question were some guys who were in my advanced math class in high school. I was 14 at the time, they were probably 17 and 18. Classic example of very book-smart (basically math geniuses) but with zero common sense. It was the week of the homecoming football game, which was obviously a really big important game at or school.
Well, these boys decided to make a noisemaker as a prank. Out of a pipe. I think you see where this is going. They set this pipe contraption under the bleachers before the game, and it gets discovered by a maintenance person before the game. Obviously, it is mistaken for a pipe explosive and it becomes a whole scene with the authorities, lockdown, and so on.
Nobody knew if they'd go do time or not for their stupidity, but since it was a harmless contraption, they were just heavily punished by the school. I didn't see them back in class again for months.
25. This Ship Has Sailed
This is a conversation I had with one customer trying to buy something online. “Hello, I made an online order and I see that you've charged me the shipping cost twice.” “Hmm, that's weird, let me check. No, I see that it's the right amount, sir.” “You’re wrong, I've made two orders and I've already paid the shipping cost for the first one. I shouldn't have to pay twice.”
“Oh, I see! You've made two orders, sure, we can make it one package and only charge you once for the shipping, but can you tell me the order numbers for your orders, because the system shows me that you've only placed one today.” This is where it unraveled.“Yeah, the second one was not placed today.” “When was it placed, sir?”
“I don't know, like three or four months ago, but still, I've paid for the shipping cost before. Why would I have to pay again?”
26. That’s What Moms Are For
My cousin set me up with this girl. Things were actually alright, we connected via similar hobbies and interests, then about three weeks after we met, I ran over to her place for some reason and made a joke about how her laundry basket looked like it was about to explode. She just responds, "Oh my mom comes by on Tuesdays and does my laundry."
Fast-forward a bit, and I learned that at 25 years old, she didn't know how to do laundry, cook, clean, take out trash, how the dishwasher in her apartment worked, or actually pay her own bills. It was all taken care of by her parents. They would come by every couple of days and do some laundry, dishes, etc, and she would just occupy space in the area, I guess.
I did try to teach her some basic things, but it was a constant battle of "But my parents will do it for me" or "That's what's Uber Eats is for" or various replies like that. I eventually had enough of it, and told her I'm done unless she can learn to do everything her parents do for herself. My cousin didn't believe me about these stories until his girlfriend went to the girl's place to drop something off...and there was the girl's mom doing laundry and making breakfast.
27. Idea Doesn’t Mix
I worked as a waitress for eight years. I had a patron order a salad with oil and vinegar as the dressing. I brought the salad to the table and asked if anyone needed anything else. Everyone was happy and I went on my way. A couple of minutes later, I got that hand signal “Please get over here” style. I come over and ask how everything is going. That's when I heard the dumbest question of my life.
No joke, my patron asked me why the oil and vinegar weren’t mixing. I did my best to explain the reason why oil and vinegar hate each other. But she wasn’t having it. She told me she’s had oil and vinegar dressing mix before at other restaurants. I explained that there was likely a bonding agent in the dressing and it was not just oil and vinegar at those other restaurants.
She just looked at me. I then asked if she wanted a different mixed dressing. She said she would be happy with the dressing she ordered, she just wanted to know why it wasn’t mixing.
28. Jumpman, Jumpman, That Boy’s Up To Something…Stupid
I work at a sports store and we get a lot of crazy and stupid requests. But I think the dumbest person I ever met was a customer who wanted to buy a pair of Jordan Bred 11s. This guy was after a discount. He really thought he did something. So, he found a couple of coupons and decided he should be able to combine them and get a really good deal.
One of these coupons was a printout of a 70% off clearance promotion from Nike's website and the other was a 20% off coupon from Payless that expired in 2017. He wanted 90% off with these coupons. I've never been more confused, frustrated, and exasperated than I was during the 10-minute interaction where myself, two managers, and a customer tried to explain to this man why this wasn't going to happen.
29. Please Define Me
I remember when I was in college there was a period where there were certain types of people who love giving themselves labels. These people were really into defining themselves and being part of a group that defines themselves in the same way. I always thought it was kind of annoying, but this person went above and beyond anyone else.
This woman Sally decided that she would stop eating red meat. This is of course fine, but she couldn’t leave it at that. She called herself a vegetarian, and she went around for days telling people this. "But you still eat pork and chicken and fish?" "Yes." Yeah, quick rule: if you're eating something with eyeballs, you're not a vegetarian.
30. Skin Deep
We sell organic skincare where I work. A client called saying the seal on her moisturizer she just bought came off too easily and she wanted to return it. I asked her to bring it in so we could exchange it for her. When I checked her product, there was a straight-up finger-shaped hole in the foam seal. When I asked her about it, she said it happened after the fact.
Sure. I told her I would happily exchange it. She didn't seem thrilled but didn't say anything. At this point, I figured it was a case of buyer's remorse and she wanted a refund but was blaming the seal. So I hand her a fresh product. She takes it out of the box in front of me, saying she just wants to check the seal. She proceeds to pull up on the edges of the seal hard enough until it pops off.
She stares at me, I stare at her. She tells me, "See, this one is unsealed too." I told her, "Nope, that one was sealed. That’s an acceptable seal so the product should be just fine for you. Enjoy your day!" She didn't come back, but I put notes on her account in case she called the head company to complain about the so-called "seal" problem.
31. Weather Or Not
I worked as a server at a higher-end steakhouse that had a beautiful patio. I was working a lunch shift on a day that was completely overcast, and it looked like it could start pouring rain any minute. Because of this, we didn’t “open up” the patio. The patio always had tables and chairs, but we didn’t open any umbrellas or set any tables.
A lady came in and asked for a seat on the patio, weird due to the weather but whatever. I walked her out to the patio and set up a table for her, and as I was walking away she asked if she could sit in a sunnier spot. None of the umbrellas were open, and there were no sunny spots because the sun was not out. I just looked at her and told her she could have her pick of any of the tables.
She looked around and it finally dawned on her that this was not patio weather. Years later, and I’m still not sure if she thought I had some magical weather powers or if she thought if she just wanted it to be sunny strongly enough, it would be.
32. No Fixed Address
I work at a call center and get a lot of calls from crazy people but sometimes it just seems they are ignorant. For months, I've been dealing with a client who doesn't get their bills. Every month, they call and ask where their bill is. We confirm their address and the expected arrival date, I manually generate a new invoice, and send it over. When we finally figured out the problem, I had no choice but to facepalm.
Today, when confirming the address for like the sixth time, they said "Oh, no, that's not my town or zip" and submitted an address change. How can you not know where you live?
33. Please Be Specific
Back in the late 90s, I was working retail at a dollar store. One fellow came up to me and asked, and I kid you not, "Do you have the thing with the thing that comes out?" I gave him a second to see if he would realize what he had said and provide some detail. After a beat or two, I said, "I'm sorry, sir, you will have to be a bit more specific. What thing are you looking for?"
He made hand gestures, almost as if he were pulling open a door or something, and said, "You know...one of those things with the thing that comes out." Managing not to lose my temper, I said, "Sir...What does the thing do?" He said, "It makes coffee." I said, "Are you asking if we have coffee makers that have filter baskets that can be pulled completely out?"
"Yes," he said. I replied, "No, sir, we don't have the thing with the thing that comes out, we only have the thing with the thing that swivels out. Sorry." Later, he came up to me. He held up a box of 35-gallon trash bags. He asked me, "Will these fit in that?" and he pointed at a trash can that was marked, "50 Gallons." I said, "No, sir."
He asked, "Why not?" I said, "Because that is a fifty-gallon trash can, and those are thirty-five-gallon bags." He looked at me blankly for a moment. I added, "Thirty-five is less than fifty." "Ah," he said, nodding sagely.
34. Full Moon, Empty Brain
I’m thinking about a dumb friend from high school. He was insistent that the moon and the sun are always opposite of each other. And like I didn't know how to explain it any more simply than I already had so I just looked up hoping the moon would be visible from where we were sitting. Sure enough, it was. I was like look, dude, it's right there.
He said that wasn’t the moon. So I asked him what it was then. He was confused for a second and then said that it couldn't be the moon because the sun was out. I had to get a teacher to back me up before he'd believe me. She looked like she was gonna cry at the glaring stupidity. Like, it causes me pain just thinking about it.
35. Making A Case
I worked at an electronics store, and some lady came in to buy a charging case for her iPhone. The case has a battery that can charge your phone a couple of times. Well, she was asking what the cable inside the box was for, which was a micro USB cable. I explained that it's to charge the battery in the case. She didn't understand.
I explained that the case has a battery in it and that you need to charge up that battery. Then, your phone goes in the case and if your phone battery is low and you are out and about, you can turn on the case and it'll recharge your phone. It has enough battery capacity to charge your phone usually once. There was a long pause as I anticipated what she would say next.
She goes, "Wait so you have to charge up the case?" I say, "Yeah." She responds "Oh well, that's stupid.” So I ask, "What's stupid about that?" She says, "Well that's stupid that you have to charge it, you shouldn't need to do that." So I say: "Ma'am, if the manufacturer figured out the global solution for unlimited electricity I don't think they'd be selling phone cases."
She gave me a super-angry expression, you know the one where she thinks she's still right and stormed off.
36. Spine Cow Anyone?
A friend of mine’s partner said she was vegan. Another friend jokingly said, “You’re not vegan, you eat corn on the cob, which is actually the spine of a cow.” Her reaction was incredible. The vegan started crying about how much she loved eating cow spine and was really upset, with genuine tears of sorrow at how she wasn’t a vegan at all.
From that day forth, corn was known as cow spine on the cob and their relationship didn’t last for too long, probably a week after she asked why Mel Gibson didn’t just phone the English King to negotiate in Braveheart.....
37. Bad Vibes
While I worked at Wal-Mart, a middle-aged couple danced around me in the aisle I was stocking for a good five minutes before the guy just straight-up inquired about where to locate batteries for his personal device. His wife was hiding around the corner. I calmly asked, well what kind of batteries does it take? He looked at me with shame and told me he didn't know.
I then asked if they had brought the personal device with them so we could take the batteries out to see. For my sake, they hadn't brought it in with them. I suggested they go home and open it and find out what kind it needed. I also suggested maybe a hearing aid battery or watch battery because I had never used a personal device before and didn't know what they needed.
They went away yelling at each other for not opening it up to see what it needed.
38. Mean Business
Too many times I need to explain the basics of business to grown adults. For example, to process a return, you need either the receipt or the physical product with you. Realistically, you should have both. If it’s just the receipt, you could have just kept the “defective” item. If it’s just the item, you could have stolen it or bought an identical thing at a cheaper retailer.
Most stores are fairly lenient with this because they don’t want trouble, and most customers are at least 60% honest. You can’t just go up to a register and say, “I bought some produce here and they went bad too fast. I don’t know what they’re called or how much I paid, I want a refund.” Beyond that, people think that the absolute basics of a business are a “scam” when they first start figuring out that what we charge for items is more than what we pay the farmer or factory or artist.
When customers at stores or restaurants “do the math” themselves, they are constantly thinking things like, “I can make this dish for $5 at home if I also use my existing pantry staples, why is it $22 at the fancy gastropub?” or “I can get yarn at JoAnn’s for $7, why does this sweater cost $40?” They usually come to the extremely wrong conclusion “You just want to make money!”
Yeah, we do. In addition to the 900 other things that create higher costs for consumer goods other than raw materials, yes, businesses want to make a profit. And it’s impossible to explain that to an infuriated customer in a polite way. Once a customer starts saying that “big businesses only want to make money,” the only way to answer their questions is both involved and extremely condescending. Turns out the response is not to answer their concerns at all.
39. It’s Time For Some Change
During college, I worked at a 7/11 for a few months and one time had to train a girl to use the register. A customer comes in and everything goes well until this girl has to give the customer change. The cash register told her how much the change was. It wasn’t like the old days where you had to figure it out yourself. Just read the number on the screen.
But this girl is just looking at me very confused. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking. It turns out the girl just didn’t know how to count coins. The cash register said 43 cents and she turns to me and asks me what coins and how many of them make 43 cents. The customer and I look at each other, but we don’t say a single thing.
40. She Blind Sided The Blind
I remember in fourth grade we had motivational speakers come in to talk to us. Some of them were pretty cool. Once we had a speaker who was completely blind since birth. At the end, they had time for questions and a girl put her hand up and timidly asked a question. She wanted to know why the blind speaker didn't just wear super thick glasses.
When the blind speaker politely replied that they couldn’t see ANYTHING AT ALL, so that there would be nothing to magnify, the girl was still not satisfied. She suggested SUPER thick glasses. We were only in fourth grade, but we all were looking at her like holy cow how do you not get this. The blind dude just shook his head.
41. Life Is A Box Of Chocolates
This conversation ended with a customer throwing a large bag of Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion potato chips at my head. It was a woman who came into the store looking to buy a box of chocolates. But there was one huge problem. She didn’t have any money. So this customer proposed that she take the chocolates now and come back later to pay when she had money.
“Do you expect me to go all the way home and bring back the money?” she asked. I said, “Yes, because other than that it’s called shoplifting and we will call security.” “But I need these,” she pleaded. I just said no. That’s when the chips started flying.
42. But I’m Not Even Greek
I used to work in a warehouse where we would put together computer systems. There was this guy that worked there called Randy. I guess he wasn’t that smart, because when he heard my name was Tracy, Randy looked at me with the most serious expression and asked me the following question: “Is your name, Tracy, short for something?”
I said, “Hmm...well Randy, do you have any idea what Tracy could be short for?” He thinks really hard and guesses, “Tracy-opolis.” He thinks it might be short for a Greek name. On my gravestone, it will say: “Here lies Tracy (short for Tracy-opolis).”
43. Burst Your Bubble
My first job at 16 was at Party City. One day, I'm blowing up balloons at the balloon counter and a lady comes up to buy some latex balloons. I asked if she wants us to fill them and she said no, she'd do it at home. Making small talk, I remarked that she must have one of the Party Time helium tanks at home. Her reply made my jaw drop to the floor.
She said, "No, I inflate them up with my mouth. You just put the string on them and they float!" I do the multiple blinks, trying to work out in my head what she's just said. She fully believed she could inflate up the balloons with her mouth and the magic was...attaching a string. I tried to give this woman an impromptu chemistry lesson. She insisted. I still think about that magic woman to this day.
44. Traveling At The Speed Of Dumb
When I was in middle school, some kids were having a heated philosophical debate about what the "speed of dark" was. Like, when you turn off the light in the room, what is the speed at which the dark overtakes the room? Being a stupid kid of the same age, I didn’t have the sense to just not get involved and tried to explain no such thing existed.
And these kids were bugging me saying "What the heck, this guy doesn't even know about the concept of speed of dark." So, a few weeks later the teachers had to formally request the chief speed of dark proponent's "self-employed" father stop showing up at the classrooms to give the students "intellectual lectures." That felt good.
45. Moms Who Need To Change
I’ve had to tell a restaurant customer that you can’t change your baby on an unoccupied table. Would you take a dump on a restaurant's table? No, so why should it be any different for your baby? Poop is poop and that is a health code breach to be around food, not to mention people eating in a restaurant don't want to smell poop while they're eating.
Lady, that's what the bathroom is for! Why are some parents so disgusting and inconsiderate?
46. He Got In Hot Water—Twice!
I had an old roommate who didn’t seem to know a lot about some pretty simple things. One time, he put an electric kettle made of plastic on the stove. I came upstairs to find black smoke everywhere and a completely melted kettle. I threw it in the trash and yelled at him for nearly burning the house down. It has a cord sticking out of it and everything.
An hour later I came back upstairs and what I saw made my blood run cold. He was doing the same thing. The idiot had gone through the trash, got what was left of the burnt kettle, filled it with water and put it back on the stove. I get the first time if he's never seen an electric kettle before but a second time? With the same kettle? A melted kettle?
47. Doesn’t Have A Hot Clue
I worked at a coffee shop and a woman came in saying that the mug she bought is defective. I ask what is wrong and she goes, “It says it's microwave and dishwasher safe. I put it in the microwave to heat it and it got hot!” I explained that the text on the mug means it can be used in a microwave without breaking...but that anything placed in a microwave will still get hot.
She maintained, “Well, then it's not safe.”
48. You Do The Math
I’m a teacher and I’m used to kids not getting things, but this was an extreme example. I once had a student complain that her grade changed every time I marked a new assignment. You see, I use a total points system. This means that I put the points earned over the total number of points available and you get a percent. So yeah, her grade would change every time.
I explained this to her and said “Yes, it will change every time because the numerator and denominator are changing every time I grade something; that’s how math works.” The student looked at me with her dull eyes and told me that she knew how to do math. I just looked at her and replied: “I don’t think you do, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation”
49. Door Jam
A client bought a car from our dealership and called two days later to say that the back doors were not opening from the inside. I knew exactly what the problem was. I asked him specifically if the child lock was on, but he denied it. He brought the vehicle back to us and one of our salespeople opened the door and deactivated the child lock while getting in.
He opened the door and the client’s mind was blown that the door was suddenly opening.
50. The U.S Of What?
I met a dude during my sophomore year of college and he was not only really dumb but also not that ashamed of it. I was telling him this story about the dumbest person I had ever met up to that point in my life. After listening to my story he thought about it for a bit and then responded with words I will never forget.
He said: “Well.. that’s understandable though, because up until last year I didn’t know the US and the United States were the same thing.” This guy went to college in the US and again, this was our sophomore year. The dude was a 19-year-old full-blooded American.
51. Forgot Your Password?
As an IT guy, I once spent 56 minutes on a password reset call with a dude who just could not get it. The new password requirements were simply beyond the limits of his comprehension. Over and over, around and around, we went through the process. I must have reset him half a dozen times. I didn't think it could get worse, but it did.
Finally, after I had long since made peace with the idea of getting fired for simply hanging up on this dude, he exclaims, "Wait a minute! Is that number supposed to be a lowercase or an uppercase one?”
52. She Should Major In Counting
When I was in middle school (like age 12-14-ish), we went to the local college. I stopped by the college bookstore and bought a pack of gum. The gum was like $0.96 after tax. The clerk, a college-age girl, entered the gum in the cash register, and I gave her a dollar for the gum. She proceeded to count out $0.96 in change to me.
I was so embarrassed for the girl, I didn't dare say anything, so I took the money and left. But later I felt bad and thought she might get into some kind of trouble with her boss, so I went back and asked her if maybe the gum cost $0.96 and she only owed me $0.04 in change. I mean, kinda hard to judge a person for one interaction.
Maybe she was thinking hard about quantum mechanics and just couldn't devote enough mental energy to the Gum-Dollar Exchange Deficit Function. But it definitely lowered my opinion of college students at the time.
53. Best Before
My co-worker and I work at a deli. One day, a customer came up to them asking why their meat smelled weird. My co-worker asked, “How long have you had it?” and then the customer said, “A few months, why?” The dude never even knew that expiration dates existed. He said that his ex-wife always prepared food for him and he has never cooked for himself.
He pointed at various other foods and asked if they had expiration dates too, so my co-worker had to explain that each food had a different lifespan.
54. Crispy, Creamy, And Crude
We’re coming home from dinner for someone’s birthday, and on the way home, Person A wanted to pick up doughnuts for something the next day. Afterward, the topic of Krispy Kreme came up. Then, Person B brings up that Krispy Kreme is owned by the same company as Panera…and, get this, an adult magazine. Apparently, they got this information from a third-party site that also thinks that the virus is a scam. And that’s not even the worst part.
Person A immediately believes this. No backup, no proof, literally just, “Panera and Krispy Kreme are owned by the same people as the adult magazine.” It makes no sense. Person A also thought that if you drink water, it would wash the virus out of your throat and into your stomach fluids.
55. A Cut Above
A customer in our store cut up a shirt because she couldn’t get it off. She pulled scissors out of her bag and cut up the sleeve and down the side, handed it back to me, and walked off. I called after her and said, “Ma’am, you have to pay for this.” What she said next blew my mind. She said she didn't want it because it was damaged.
I then explained to her that as she was the one who damaged it, and that we can’t sell it, that she has to pay. She just looked at me and said “Well, can’t you just sew it back up?” No, that’s not how it works, lady. In the end, I contacted security and a store manager and she ended up paying for the shirt, which was $160 (it was a rather pricey brand).
56. Mama Wants Ink
I was getting the outline of my new tattoo the other day. While I was getting it, a woman walked in with her baby. The tattoo artist tells her that they can't have babies in there. The woman complains and points out that the baby is safely in its car seat. Why can’t they stay? The artist insists that the woman leave the store.
But this woman isn’t giving up that easily. She complains that someone on the phone should have told her that babies aren’t allowed in the store. Like how does she think someone on the phone would know that she had a baby? The tattoo artist is having none of it and starting to get annoyed. He again asks her to go outside.
The woman then changes her tactic. She asks the tattoo artist to get started while she calls for someone to come and pick up the baby. The tattoo artist then loses it and tells her to go outside and no he cannot extend her appointment time. He basically wants to get rid of her. The woman then says “Fine, I'll wait in the car, but this is ridiculous! She's not hurting anything!”
57. Closed Minded
So many times I'll be at work preparing to open before we open, and a customer will walk up and yank on the door without even looking and then stand back in confusion. Then I watch them read the sign that says we're closed and then inspect the sign with our hours that clearly says we don't open for another half hour, and then they start rattling the door and waving at me.
If I have to open the door and tell them to their faces that we aren't open yet, they usually just say "Oh." What is the thought process? What is going on?
58. Not A Tree Lover
I have a landlord who is a real idiot. Here are two examples. While living in her house we had an ant problem. The little pests were everywhere and it was a serious problem. So what did she do? She got up in the tree in the yard and cut a branch off that over the deck. Why? Because the ants were using the branch to get in the house to get water.
Next example. We had squirrels that were nesting under the deck. Her solution? She sprayed them with water to get them out—somehow, it actually worked. But then, she cut off another tree branch so they couldn’t get to the deck. Did she think there weren't other ways for the squirrels to get onto the deck? Like taking the stairs?
59. Weak Signals
I have had to explain to a shocking number of people that cellular signals can be blocked by structures and garages and that large buildings are well known for blocking cellular signals. I have also had to explain to a shocking number of people that battery life will vary based on usage. It will drain faster while you use it and slower while it's doing nothing.
And even more surprising is that I have to explain signal performance to people who lived through having to step outside to make a call because there was no signal inside.
60. Does He Come With A Mute Button?
I had a patient who wanted a consultant to see him urgently because he had intermittently lost the ability to talk. I told him I would chase the consultant to see if he could see him quicker than the scheduled appointment which was some weeks away. The patient decided he couldn't wait two days for me to chase the consultant so he called the consultant's secretary the next day himself.
So the patient is talking to the secretary and is telling them that his case was super serious. Well that was dumb. If he could talk to the secretary, he probably didn’t have that bad of a problem. So, he got pushed right to the back of the line. If he had left it to me just the very next day I could have got him an appointment by the end of that week.
61. Caught In A Jam
I used to work in a pancake restaurant. One day I was serving a customer, and he didn't even bother to read the menu. He asked for pancakes with some specific jam. I told him that we do not have that jam on the menu. His answer was eyebrow-raising. He said that I should go to the nearby shop and get some for him because he doesn't want to eat pancakes with anything else.
Yes, I needed to explain to an adult man that that's not how restaurants work.
62. Not A Towering Intellect
I remember a few years ago I was in the middle of a French class with this girl I knew. I don’t know what started it, but the pair of us ended up in an argument which then turned into an argument of who was smarter. The teacher decided to test this by asking her where the Eiffel Tower was. She full-heartedly replied that it was the massive glass building in the city we were in.
She thought the Shard in London was the Eiffel Tower...while we were sitting in the middle of a French class...in South London...with a view of the Shard from our window. And she was serious about it too. I thought it was just a joke, but then afterward, she refused to listen to reason after claiming the River Thames was in Africa.
63. Comical Explanation
I worked in a coffee-shop/bookstore. We specialized in manga and comic books, and you could either buy them or take a drink and read for as long as you wanted. Like, we didn't have any restrictions; you could read for eight hours by buying a coffee. However, I still had to explain multiple times a day that yes, you must order and pay for a drink if you want to sit and read.
There was a good library where you could go to read for free, but we were a business and needed to make money. I've had people insulting me because of this.
64. Bird Brain
I work at a garden center and every day I have people on the phone that redefine the words dumb, stupid, and ignorant. For example, one customer called and said he would like to return some birdseed but would have trouble sending it back. He outright refused to send it back himself, because he feared the big sack would end him if he was caught in a car accident.
So he demanded that we personally send someone to him to take the bird seeds away. That isn't something we do. His reaction was disturbing. When this "request" was denied, he set the sack of birdseed on fire, sent us the pictures of it by mail, and still had the audacity to demand a refund plus a fee for bothering him so much.
65. Future Karen?
I worked furniture retail over 20 years ago before we had a name for "Karen," but they certainly existed. I had to explain, slowly like I was talking to a child, to a grown woman that she could not return her glass-top patio table that she left out all winter. The glass top was smashed, swept up, and put into a box that was now in front of me.
She couldn't fathom why I was saying no. She had kids with her watching this behavior. Future Karens.
66. Kiddie Sized Coffee
Today a friend told me that her co-worker bought her three-year-old a VENTI Starbucks coffee because the kid wanted it. It apparently has FOUR shots of espresso in it. My friend flipped on her co-worker about it, and the co-worker said she didn’t know it was bad because she doesn’t drink coffee, and her child just told her what she wanted and she ordered it.
So, I guess I have not met her, but she is the dumbest person I’ve heard of in a while, and my brain is exploding thinking about this again.
67. On Thin Ice
I teach kids to ice skate. Parents are asked out of the rink once the kids are ready. A parent of a two-year-old insists that they cannot leave their child alone. I explained that the coaches are here to help and look after the child, but the parent just kept repeating, “I will not be leaving him, he is unable to walk.”
Come on! Why do you sign up your two-year-old for skating if your child is unable to walk on normal land, let alone with skates on? I didn’t think I’d have to have this conversation with an adult. Multiple times.
68. Vegan Revenge
Some years back, me and a vegan friend of mine managed to [briefly] convince another friend that bacon was okay for vegans. I told her it was because it doesn't end the pig. They can just take thin strips off the flank. My vegan friend backed me up saying that it was true. Our gullible friend was confused, but eventually said: "Really!? I never knew..."
To which I replied, "No, of course not, you muppet."
69. Yogi Bear Knows Better
I used to work in Banff National Park. One day at the end of the tour, I was driving some guests back to their hotel and a woman was adamant that Banff was clearly a very dangerous place to visit since we "just let wild animals run around everywhere! They should be in cages!" I had to fight the urge to throw her off the bus pretty hard.
She also insisted that she needed to change the money she got in British Columbia to Alberta currency, which...does not exist.
70. Not A Thundering Intellect
One time, I went on a date with a woman who I realized was not too intelligent. We got into a strange conversation about thunder and lightning. She said, "what if the clouds were moving quickly when they hit each other?" She paused and I asked her to continue. "That would be the loudest thunder ever." I need more information.
She said, "Yeah, you know how when clouds smash together, they make thunder...because they're hard." For real guys, I'm seriously not even joking. It turned out she was baked, as she later confessed to being stoned. Either way…hilariously stupid.
71. What SIDS You Say?
When my daughter was born, we had to see the hospital pediatrician who was an older southern man before we could switch to our usual one. We're in a tiny exam room and he's going over the do’s and don'ts for new parents. So, he asks us, “And I assume she will be sleeping in a crib in the nursery?” We respond by saying, “We have a bassinet set up beside the bed to make night feeding easier.”
Then he interjects and says, “She can't sleep with you!” But we tell him that, “She won't be in the bed. She has a bassinet beside the bed.” He says to this, “If she sleeps in the same room, there will be too much carbon dioxide and she'll suffocate. That's what causes SIDS.” After a short pause, we say, “...then isn’t this exam room unsafe?”
We later put in a complaint with the practice and the hospital. That's some ridiculously incorrect information to be spouting off at people, especially parents who take everything a doctor says as gospel. I can't even find the logic in that.
72. Maybe Consider Take Out?
I dated a girl from work in my first year of college. On our first "date," we decided to just make something simple at her place. Being “rich” college students, we settled with mac and cheese and some drinks. We get into the kitchen, and she says, "Okay, honest question. When boiling water, do you get the pot hot first, then add the water or the other way around?"
Yup, she didn't know how to boil water. I just don't know how someone makes it through life not knowing how to boil water on the stove.
73. Fowl Understanding
I used to manage a retail store that sold teen clothing, so as expected, I primarily had teens working for me. One employee came to the back room while I was on break and asked what I was eating. Somehow the topic turned to how I should’ve brought chicken for lunch because she wanted chicken. I told her I was vegetarian and therefore don’t eat meat.
She tells me chicken is NOT meat. It’s “poultry,” and according to her, vegetarians can eat poultry because at the grocery store the aisles list “meat” and “poultry” separately so they’re obviously different. We argued for a couple of minutes before I finally told her to go back to the sales floor. She didn’t last at the job long, but MAN.
74. It’s One Or The Other
A guy I knew was really stupid. I got really sick this one time I was spending the evening with him and had to throw up several times in a short period. He got angry with me, so I’m like, what the heck? When I found out why he was mad, I was stunned. It turns out he was convinced that the only reasons there are for people to throw up is because of drinking too much or being pregnant.
Since I was sober, he refused to believe I was not pregnant. He seriously almost got angry when I refused to admit that I was pregnant. I was miffed this idiot didn't catch the stomach flu that was what made me throw up. And yes, one would think that he had met sick people before, even been one, I don't know what was wrong in his head.
75. Consider The Lobster
I was a cook a few years ago. On a particularly busy night, we ran out of lobster mac and cheese. This one waitress could not understand how this was possible and just kept nagging and nagging in disbelief. I got annoyed to the point that I told her the reason for this was that there was a shortage of people with small enough hands to milk lobsters’ tiny nipples, hence a worldwide shortage of lobster milk to make that dish.
I had to come clean with her when she started telling this to customers and they demanded to speak with a manager.
76. American Pi
I was in high school, 2007-2008 school year. I was a senior. One of my friends in their junior year starts telling me about this guy they know. Tells me this guy has argued against his entire chemistry class, including the teacher, for ten minutes out of a 50-minute class. Why? He was convinced that pi was bigger than mol (6.022E23), "because pi goes on forever."
This same guy was tasked with using a ruler in class. He was having some trouble figuring out the ruler. It turns out he realized that he didn't know how many inches were in a ruler. So what did he do? He got the brilliant idea to measure his ruler with a second ruler so he could figure out how many inches are in a ruler. Spoiler: He couldn't figure it out.
77. Just A Pretty Face
A friend of mine in his late 20s is a sweet guy but is overweight and balding and quite frankly, not very attractive in the face. Well, one day he lets us know that he has met a girl and she might be the one. Well, I've met some of the jewels he's hooked up with in the past so I wasn't expecting too much. I finally meet this girl, and she is attractive and has a body that is incredible.
I talk to her for a while and she is super friendly and outgoing. I'm stoked for my boy! He found the best he's ever going to find. The night progresses, and the new couple starts talking about their plans for an upcoming trip to New Mexico, and she starts telling us how excited she is because she has "never gone to another country before."
I laughed a bit and realized she was totally serious. My friend just looked at me and shook his head. That’s when I knew that he knew she was dumb as a rock, but she was his dumb rock.
78. Intelligence Questioned
In high school, there was this one girl in my history class who went for an IQ test once for a very strange reason. When I found out why, it bowled me over. So, we wrote a history test in class, and a week later we got our tests back. This girl failed miserably and she decided it would be a smart idea to tell the teacher about her IQ test.
She told the teacher that he can't give her an F because, "she scored 70 on an IQ test, so she's not allowed to fail." The worst part is, she genuinely believed an IQ test would give her a pass on failing tests, so she failed EVERY SUBJECT that year. I still talk to her on Twitter now and then, turns out she's a flat-earther now.
79. Jumping All Over
My wife wanted to meet an old friend from school she hadn't seen for about 20 years. We went to dinner, and he brought his wife along with her to kids. He had met her just two months prior and she worked as a "male entertainer" (her words). He was white, she was black, and he spent the whole night trying to start fights with people for "making prejudiced comments about their relationship behind their back," even though no one was.
When we finally got into talking, he told me about nine "jump points" that exist to get off the Earth. I thought to myself "Oh boy, a Flat Earther. I've never met a real one before." But no, that's not what he was talking about. That would have been so much better than what he was talking about. He said there are nine jump points on Earth that are essentially wormholes to other planets, and that there is one in New York City that goes to Mars.
He also informed me that the American government has already colonized Mars and is hiding it from the people. And he was totally serious.
80. Absolute Train Wreck
When we hired a girl a couple of years ago, I told her where the manager's office was her first day. On the second day, she asked me where the manager's office was, so I walked her to the door. Then on the third day, she asks me where it is again. After, our manager chewed out the girl who trained our new recruit for not teaching her about the job properly.
The trainer pulled out her phone and showed the manager a picture of the girl wearing the uniform backward and said, “Look at this. This is untrainable." The new girl got fired about three weeks later for stealing the product because she thought she got it for free because she was an employee.
81. Might As Well Be Worlds Apart
I live in southern Spain, and I once met a girl from the U.S. who was here on some kind of exchange program. When I asked her about how she was liking Spain so far, she said, “I’m loving it. I just don't know why the plane took so long to get here. I mean we are just a bit BELOW MEXICO. I really don't know why the flight was that long."
I told her that we were in Europe, and she didn't believe me. Her reply was, "Europe? It can't be. Everyone speaks Spanish so we must be somewhere near Mexico for sure!" She was in university. I still don't know how or why.
82. It’s Different For Boys
My ex-sister-in-law is hands down the dumbest person I've ever encountered. Over the years, she's certainly made a vast number of ridiculously ludicrous comments. I'll bring attention to the one that pushed me to the brink of considering removing the flavor from her mouth. I had my first son back in 2001, and while I was pregnant, she asked me if I was going to breastfeed. To which I replied that I was.
She then asked, "even if it's a girl?" and I said of course. She then proceeded to tell me that it's perfectly fine to breastfeed boys, but doing so with girls is creepy and could make the child a lesbian. Because "they get the feel of a chest and will remember it and want that sexually." To say that I was stunned by her thought process is an understatement.
I asked her what she thought people did before formula was invented, and she said "cow's milk." And before bottles were invented it was a "rag soaked in cow's milk."
83. Facing A Challenge
I was working at a grocery store over a decade ago. I wouldn’t call the kid dumb because he just didn’t know. It’s more of a funny thing. He was new, and the manager asked him to “face” the store when he asked what he could do. “Facing” means you make sure the aisles look nice and neat and that the product is pulled forward and visibly facing you as you walk down the aisle.
The kid couldn’t be found until someone told the manager one of the workers was just standing in the parking lot facing the store. I will never forget that.
84. Drowning In The Water Under The Bridge
I was working in a French company. We were working with a development team in Vietnam on some IT project. The project manager they reported to in HQ is French. They didn't like him, and he knew it. Even so, the Vietnamese team did a great job. He wanted to find the correct words to congratulate them, hoping to smoothen the future relationship.
He sent this incredible "thank you" email that said, “When we see the quality of your work, we can only realize how sad it is that we lost you guys as a colony." The French ex-pats in the Vietnam office told me they were hiding in shame for a full week.
85. Sniffed Out
I once knew this kid who was dumber than snake mittens and just about as useful. He came into our government class claiming that you could still smell the tea spilled into the Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party. My government teacher spent the next five minutes explaining to him that that was physically impossible.
This kid, after some deliberation, seemingly grasped the concept of time and relented on the topic, or so we thought. Not five minutes later, he said, "I bet you can still smell it when you're underwater," as certain as a man can be. Now at this point, we were juniors in high school and for the first time in my life, I was in utter disbelief that a person could have survived under the sheer force of their own stupidity up until that point.
Class was completely derailed at this point with the teacher trying to explain to him why you can't breathe underwater but to no avail. Bless his heart he tried. He said that he didn't want a student drowning because he didn't understand you couldn't smell underwater, but the kid was undeniably convinced. After that year in class with him, I never saw him again. Probably drowned.
86. Me ‘n My Moo
My friends were always convinced that my girlfriend was too dumb for me, but I always defended her saying you just had to get to know her. One day, we're attempting to do that over at my best friend's place, and we're all having milk and cookies. She remarks how fresh the milk is. I say, “Yeah, it's local so it's practically straight from the cow.”
She gets quiet then says, "Cows? I always thought milk came from pigs!" So, I say, "but there's a cow on the carton?" She goes, "I thought that was the mascot!" My friend just turned his head slowly and looked me right in the eye. I looked away.
87. The Paternity Is In The Tongue
My girlfriend at the time, C, lived with her friend, K who was not the sharpest tool in the shed. I would always be there hanging out and somehow, I got sucked into Days of Our Lives. I know, stupid, but hey, being forced to watch it weekly made me invested in the characters to a degree. So, in the show, Sammy and Lucas are star-crossed lovers.
They're not always together throughout the show, but they find their way back to each other. In this story of mine, they have been set back together, and they're still working things out. BUT, wait! There's a handsome, young Englishman named EJ who just moved into town. Sammy ends up having a one-night stand with him. Oh dear!
Two weeks later we find out on Days of Our Lives that Sammy is pregnant! We wonder whose kid it was. Then K pipes in and says, “This is so stupid.” I, knowing that this will be good, ask her, “Oh? why do you think that?" She says, “There's no tension. This is dumb.” Well, we had to know why, so I ask, “why is that, K?” Her answer was priceless.
She explains, “Well, they're going to know whose baby it is if it comes out with a British accent or not.” I put the TV on mute and say, “I'm sorry. One more time." K looks at me like I have two heads and says, "like this -standard cry- or like this -Disney stereotype of a chimney cleaner in London losing his wife to typhoid-.” I just go, “nope," and walk out.
88. Getting Steamy In The Meat Department
We played a prank on some chick at my work who honestly had the IQ of a toothbrush. She wasn't very good at her job, and we only gave her the simplest of tasks. Seriously, even a task like "wash the dishes" required many questions before even being attempted. "Where's the soap? Where's the hot water? Will the tap automatically turn off when the sink is full?"
One day, we decided to play a prank on her. We asked her to go to the meat department and get us a bucket of steam for cleaning...A BUCKET OF STEAM! She left the department, and about 10 or 15 minutes later, my buddy Rob phoned me up and said, "Dude.... Naomi is here" I start to laugh and say, "Yeah? And what is she doing?"
He says, "I can't explain it man...it's like...you have to be here. She's like, got the hose right, and turned on the hot water. She's spraying the hose on the ground with one hand, and with the other hand, she's trying to wave the steam into the bucket. My mind wants to be literally rolling on the floor laughing at her but....I'm not. I think you've broken me..."
I have never laughed so hard in my life. She did this for about 45 minutes before the manager called her back to the Deli.
89. Special Unit Of Measurement
My friend's brother is definitely the stupidest person I've ever met. I was always nice to him, but wow, he was not a smart guy. One time, my friend had bought a new 42" LCD TV. His brother comes in the room and starts making small talk. He said, "I just bought a new TV, too. It's bigger than that though." I reply, "Oh, you bought one, too? How big is it?"
He looks at the TV, measures it up, and says, I swear on my life, "Ah, I dunno, it’s like...5...dicks bigger." Needless to say, I totally lost my mind with laughter, and he winds up leaving the room because I can't stop.
90. No World Record Holder
I was walking through the mall with a buddy of mine a couple of years ago and came across one of those stands selling hats and t-shirts. My buddy turns to me and says, “You should buy me that hat because it says genius.” I look wide-eyed at the hat and reread what was written across it 3 or 4 times before turning to my buddy and saying, “Dude, the hat says Guinness."
Yes, Guinness, as in the brewery.
91. Optical Delusion
I had a friend once who truly believed that magicians like Criss Angel and David Blaine had some kind of magical power or telekinesis or something along those lines. While watching one of those magicians on TV performing on the street, he argued, “How could this be fake? Look at all those people. Can’t fake all that. Has to be some kind of power or magic.”
I then have to ask him, “Do you realize that movies are fake? They fake entire universes, planets, cities, conflict, etc.” He didn't understand what I was getting at.
92. Vitamin D Supplement
I'm a physician, an eye doctor specifically. I will tell you that the longer I work, which is now 15 years, my standard for the "average" person's intelligence continues to decline. Thanks to the awful information filtering out there, I had a patient just last week who read that Vitamin D helps you resist lung infections and that he could get more Vitamin D by getting more sun.
So, he wanted to "collect" as much light as possible with his eyes. As a result, he stared at the sun for a solid 60 seconds and burned holes directly into his retinas. His vision is permanently reduced and there is no chance of future improvement.
93. Only In America
When I was a sophomore in high school, a classmate asked to borrow a pen, and I lent him one of mine that had the Eiffel Tower on it. He asked where the building was from, and I said Paris. Then, he gave me a confused look and asked where Paris was. Was it further away than Chicago? Now it was my turn to be totally confused.
We were in high school. How the heck did he not know Paris was in France? But whatever, maybe he's not the brightest. So, I inform him that Paris is in France. But he still looks utterly confused. I assume he misheard me, so I start explaining it. "France, you know, like, FRANCE. From history class? The global conflict in 1940s, Napoleon... that France."
He says he was bad at history and has never heard of France before. He then asks me if it was another state or if it was like a region of our state. Utterly baffled at this point, I try to explain that it was another country entirely, and it was in Europe. Exasperated, I remember saying, "you know, Europe?! That other continent?" He still looks confused, so I add, "THE LAND ACROSS THE OCEAN!"
Finally, there is recognition on his face. He tells me he heard of oceans before, and he thinks he understands now. I remind you that this encounter was with a student who didn't know what Europe was took place in high school.
94. Give Me A Hand Here
An infantryman was told to trim the hedges. Instead of getting out the shears, he decided to just lift up the enormous lawnmower, and then have his buddy start the motor...as the infantryman holds the hedges in place with his bare hands. When the medical team got called in, we bandaged him, then used a tourniquet temporarily.
Senior medics took him to the ER, but they couldn't save his hand. Shocker...
95. Trucking Up
I was at a party when someone's trashy old truck got stuck in some mud. So, instead of sobering up and coming back the next day like a logical person to get it out of the mud, he decided to go with a bright idea of his own creation. This guy made a Molotov cocktail with gas and threw it at the truck thinking the blast would push the truck back onto dry land.
Nope, obviously the truck caught fire and was completely destroyed.
96. Catching The Red-Eye
For as long as I can remember, my father had red eyes after showering. I didn't even think about it. Then one day as a teenager, a friend slept over and in the morning she saw my dad dressed and ready for work, freshly showered and red-eyed. Timidly, she approached and asked him why his eyes were red. His answer made me look at him completely differently.
He simply said "shampoo." She then, very carefully and as respectfully as she could muster, asked him why he didn't close his eyes when he shampooed. He laughed and said "What do you think, I'm an idiot? Closing my eyes in the shower! Sheesh!" My dad did a lot of things that embarrassed me...But that one was prettttty high up there.
97. How Do You Like Them Apples?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted an apple. He said yes, so I pulled one out of the fridge and handed it to him. He looked confused. I asked him what was wrong…his answer still blows me away to this day. He asked me to slice it for him. He'd never eaten an apple whole before. He wasn't sure how to bite into it. He was 27.
98. Lab Mice Disaster
I went to a college where they had a lab and thousands of white mice that were used for experimentation to test medications. They were being treated well, but of course, a bunch of people from PETA started whining and moaning about it. The professors tried to ignore them and continue their experiments, but no, they keep nagging.
And then they did something REALLY stupid. One night, they broke into the lab and took all the white mice. They brought the white mice out into the middle of the desert and set them free. Why is that stupid, you ask? Because white mice don’t normally live in the desert. They are all white, so this means they stick out like a sore finger in the desert heat.
ALL of the white mice got eaten by snakes and hawks or tragically lost their lives because of heatstroke and/or hunger within about two days. So the white mice could have had a serene end in a lab with little to no pain, but they ended up all dying horrible deaths in the scary desert because of people’s stupidity.
99. No Trespassing
I had a friend, well, ex-friend, and we got into a massive, almost physically violent argument. I told her to leave my apartment and get out of the complex since she didn't live there. Her reply was so stupid, it’s unforgettable. She said "I don't have to! This is government property!" I was like… girl no...just no…I called the authorities and they came and informed her the opposite. Ahhh, that was satisfying.