We all have to deal with people who only care about themselves. Ken, Karen, mom, dad, teacher, boss: Whatever you call them, these people are the WORST. But that just makes it so much sweeter when they finally get what's coming to them.
1. This Was Not A Barrel Of Laughs
There were two gay guys who worked at a Cracker Barrel in the deep South with me. None of the staff had any problem with them; they were just ordinary guys who happened to be attracted to other men. One day, two regulars came in to eat.
These regulars were notorious for requesting a million things before the meal even got there. They were annoying, but at least they tipped decently. One of the gay guys accidentally told the regulars something about his boyfriend. They went ballistic and asked him if he was gay. He told them he was. Then, one of the two regulars grabbed his hand and forced him to sit at the table. They then crossed the line—they proceeded to lecture him for about a half-hour about how he was going to the underworld for eternity.
I was watching this from another dining room and could not help him out because we were swamped. So, I got my girlfriend to help cover his tables because every time he told them he had to go, the man would grab his arm and physically force him to stay put. I finally got the manager, who simply ignored everything I said because we were so busy.
Eventually, after about a half-hour, once the regulars realized they couldn't convince him to give up his "sinful" ways, they said, "Well, we're going to need back every tip we ever gave you. It's okay if you can't remember exactly how much; just give us back an approximate amount. I think $200 should cover it. We can't be supporting you people."
The entire crew and I were absolutely appalled. We promptly asked them to leave, and did not give them a cent.
2. An Impatient Mental Patient
I am not a waiter, but I was in a restaurant once and this woman comes up to the waiter and goes "Excuse me, but I have been waiting for my food for nearly five minutes now." She had a party table, and a table of eight. The waiter then, calmly, goes to her: "Ma'am, you realize the restaurant is extremely busy, you have a table of eight, and we have minimal staff. It's going to take a whole lot longer than five minutes to cook your food."
Bear in mind, this was a week before Christmas, so everyone was really having their Christmas dinner of sorts. She then huffs and goes to sit down. Five minutes later, she goes back at it again. Woman: "Sir, we have been waiting ten minutes. Where is our food!?" Waiter, (Getting slightly annoyed): "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to sit down and wait patiently, or leave."
Woman: "I want to talk to the manager." Waiter: "Ma'am, the manager is on maternity leave. I'm the assistant manager. And I'm asking you to sit down or leave." The woman goes to sit down. By this point, nearly the entire restaurant was trying to not laugh. The waiter talks to the cook to get the woman's food out first.
Two minutes later, he does so. They eat, leave money for the bill, and then get ready to leave. The waiter comes over. Waiter: "Did you enjoy your food?" Woman: "Yes, not thanks to you though." I could see the waiter was about to lose it. Waiter: "Ma'am, if not for me you would still be waiting." Woman: "I'm going to leave a bad review on this restaurant and get you sacked from your job."
Waiter: "Don’t worry, I won't get sacked thanks to a bimbo like you who thinks everyone has all the time in the world to cater for you." The woman and her party left after that. I never did find out what happened, but I applaud that waiter for remaining so calm under those circumstances. That woman was an absolute joke!
4. The Ultimate Staff Confrontation
In this case, I was the customer that got confronted—but who do you think was the bad guy? A server confronted me in the men's room when I didn't tip him on top of the 18% minimum that was already added to my bill. And he wanted to fight me. I’ve never quite had an experience like that before or since. Here’s the full story.
So this past weekend, we went to a restaurant for dinner with my girlfriend and her friends for her birthday. We had about ten people and had about five different tabs, each of which included an 18% minimum tip. The service was terrible. The server was incredibly rude all night and would always respond with some kind of sarcasm when we asked questions about the menu.
He took the wrong drink orders twice and blamed us for getting them wrong. He brought all the apps and entrees at the same time and got upset when we said we didn't want the apps anymore. My friend paid in cash and when he brought back change, there was no receipt. She was expecting to see five bucks and some change back.
When the server came back there was no receipt and only four bucks and change there. She asked him to see the receipt, to see if she had miscalculated because she expected five dollars and then some back. Instead of saying something along the lines of I’ll go check or something accommodating like that, the dude got irritated and said that he threw away the receipt.
He then reached for his wallet and said "How about I just give you a dollar if you want it that bad?" That angered us all, so we didn't leave any extra tip on top of the amount that was automatically added. I wrote down "NOPE!" on my receipt in the additional tip line. When I went to use the men's room before leaving, he tapped my shoulder as I was washing my hands and goes: “You think you’re pretty funny with that tip, don't you? Why don't we step outside so I can show you how funny I can be?
I’m like what the heck? I immediately called the manager over and told him the server tried to fight me because I didn't tip him extra. I explained the whole situation to her while the dude was just glaring angrily at me the whole time. Other servers had to calm him down because he kept trying to interrupt me when I was talking to the manager.
I declined all of their gift card offers, because I sure as heck don’t want to come back to a place where the staff is gonna stir up trouble for me.
5. Thinking Inside The Box
For context, I’m a female in my twenties working at a fine dining restaurant. This older guy kept giving me trouble all night. Doing stuff like ordering crudités and then calling it rabbit food and sending it back. At the end of the meal, he says: “Where do I put this comment card?” Me: “See that black box over there? Right in there!”
Guy, thinking he’s being incredibly witty and funny, when he’s actually being a total doofus: “Did you just ask me to stuff your box?!” Me: “Nope, mine isn’t black, sir. Bye! I need to actually help people now.” His friends started cracking up and his face turned bright red. I don’t understand people who make inappropriate comments like that in public.
It made the entire meal uncomfortable for the rest of the evening, and his friends were clearly not impressed by the way he was treating me.
6. Just One Of Those Things
This is kind of a long one. I was working in a resort. One of the guests there was a Type A jerk that thinks he's above everything. You know the type. Obviously, he has to be the "group leader" of a table full of four or five other dudes. During my spiel, I tell the table we are out of a certain thing. I don't even remember what it was or why I had mentioned it.
So I start taking the table's order and eventually get to him. Him: "I'll have the THING." Me: "As I just said, sir, we're out of the thing." Him: "Maybe I'll just call my GOOD FRIEND GENERAL MANAGER and they'll find some for me." Me: "You're more than welcome to do so, but the number on the business card you picked up at the front is an office number, not their personal phone. Also, they're the one that just told me that we're out of the THING...
“Maybe if you had called GENERAL MANAGER in advance to let your GOOD FRIEND know you were coming, we could have held some back especially for you." Now, this may not seem all that destructive, but to this guy, at this table full of his colleagues, trying to seem all-powerful, it was freaking BRUTAL. He TRIED to save face, but it failed so darn hard.
Him: "Well, if you can't keep your food in stock, then we probably should have gone somewhere else to eat." The gauntlet has been thrown down. Me: "That's an excellent idea, sir. Would you like me to check if there is a table free at our steakhouse?" Him: "Yes, maybe then I can get some food." He starts talking to the other guys in the group like somehow we're in the wrong here.
They're ALL just looking at him like he's a total freaking lunatic, because he is. I go to the phone, call the steakhouse, and ask if they have space for one. Yes, you read that right. I asked if they had space for a table of one, not for the whole group he was with. They tell me that they do indeed have the room. Good. Back to the table.
Me: "You'll be happy to know, sir, that our steakhouse is able to accommodate you and will have a table waiting when you arrive." Him, in the jerkiest voice he can muster, which is nowhere NEAR as jerky as I could be: "THANK YOU for being of SOME KIND of service." He turns to the rest of the table. "Let's go, guys." That’s when the brutal surprise I’d planned for him came to light.
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, I was under the impression that you would be dining alone and didn't ask if they could take a party this size. I assumed they'd be dining with us seeing as they all ordered items we have available." The guy just looks dumbfounded. And while he's standing there trying to process this new development, one of the dudes at the table chimes in…
Other dude at the table: "Don't worry about it, bro, head on down there. We'll meet up at the resort bar for drinks later." The jerk grabs his drink, says nothing, and walks out. He hits the door and the rest of the table goes into that quiet "What a moron" type of laugh that only men of a certain age and income bracket are able to do properly.
The kind that lets you know this is funny now but come Monday that maniac's world is going to be slightly different in many, many small ways. The evening continues. Yes, this all happened. Yes, I still have even more stories from that night. Yes, I really freaking miss that job. Anyway, the evening continues and sometime after I bring that table their dessert, my GENERAL MANAGER pulls me aside.
Manager: "What the heck happened? I spent the last half hour getting yelled at by some guy that says you were super rude to him." So I give my manager a quick rundown of what had happened. I explained that we did not have what the gentleman wanted, so I made him a reservation at the steakhouse. End of story. I said I had no idea why he would possibly be upset.
I pointed out that his co-workers over at (insert table number here) are still around, having a great time. So the general manager goes over to their table and starts talking to them, presumably starting with how their meal was and ending with "What happened with the other guy that I saw with you?" It was freaking beautiful. They had my back the whole way.
They threw him so far under the bus for acting like a jerk that he rolled out the other side and got hit by a semi in the next lane over. They were nothing but complimentary to me, which was a nice bonus. Soon after, he came back over and told me everything seemed fine with them, shrugged it off, and went back to doing whatever general managers do.
Overall, it was quite a satisfying experience for me, and I definitely have no regrets about how I acted! For anyone that has actually read this far, just take this bit of information and carry it with you always: NOTHING infuriates lousy human beings more than someone doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT DONE... monkey paw style.
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7. Old McDonald Had A Farm
My brother was a waiter and was working with a really difficult woman. She ordered the salmon and asked when it got to her table if it was “farm-raised.” She got mad at him because he didn’t mention that the salmon was farm-raised when she was ordering, even though it clearly states that it is farm-raised on the menu. She ordered the chicken to replace the salmon, and my brother said “I have to warn you, it’s farm-raised.”
8. In The Heat Of The Night
At the store where I work, we have sweet biscuits with icing on top. Every weekend, this lady comes in and wants them fresh, with extra icing. But every time, something is apparently wrong with them. Her main complaint is them being “too cold,” which is usually probably due to the extra icing being added on top of it. We have told this to her repeatedly.
Well, this last time she came in, we gave her the biscuit, fresh out the oven, loaded it down with icing, and she still says it’s cold. The manager tells her the only way to get it any hotter would be to melt the icing in the microwave, which we refuse to do. The lady has a conniption, demanding to know why. My manager, God love her, says “Because sugar is hotter than the seven sons of the underworld when it’s heated up like that, and no matter how much you deserve it, I’ll be darned if I give you an excuse to have a lawsuit against us.”
9. Staying Hydrated
Table of 10, Sunday brunch, fancy restaurant, I'm hungover. A crowd swarms in at the opening and my whole section is filled at once. I'm efficient and cool. I'm used to this. I get to the big table and preface that water is being brought as we speak. I then begin taking everyone's drink orders. As I'm taking orders around the table, one woman blurts out that she wants water.
She then starts screaming not to forget the water, interrupting her friends and family as they make their meal requests. I acknowledge her each time until after the fourth time. That’s when I lost it. I told her: 'If you ask for water again, I'll make sure everyone here gets water but you.” She sinks back in her chair looking dumbfounded. I go put in the order, then head to the bar.
10. A Pocket Full Of Miracles
I slipped a napkin into the pocket of a customer’s jacket. I left a lipstick kiss mark and the words “It was great...you were great...let’s do it again” on the napkin before doing so. This was the same man who openly mocked my colleague who has Down's syndrome. He did this right in front of his whole Christian family, and none of them seemed to mind.
11. Eating His Words
I'm quite feminine for a guy. I don't mind what people say or think about me, and I get confused for gay sometimes. That is an important detail for later in this story. While I was working as a cashier, a customer just walked up to me and started to say, and I quote: "I don't understand why so many gay people work in this restaurant, I don't even know if I want to eat here anymore!"
Lots of my coworkers are, in fact, gay; and the way he said this was... not exactly kind to them. So, when his meal was ready, none of them felt comfortable wanting to bring it to him. So I just did what any sane person would do in my position. I brought him his meal, and you bet I freaking became a full-on Disney princess for like five minutes straight!
I was walking like a model, calling him sweet names, being extremely touchy, and giving him the best attention I possibly could. It was so much fun!
12. Hitting Where It Hurts
I work in a retail store. One day, this very rude customer threw a tantrum at me, and shouted: "Why don't you get a REAL job?" Annoyed, I decided to strike back. I said: "Now if I did that, what would you have to whine and be mad about?" Unsurprisingly, she did not seem to find this particularly funny. But I felt pretty good about myself!
13. Is The Cup Half Empty, Or Half Full?
I was once a witness to a silent owning that I still get giddy just thinking of. A buddy of mine was serving a table and the kid at the table was around eight or maybe ten years old. He gives her an adult glass for her apple juice. The dad pipes up and says he doesn’t want her to have all that sugar, so he needed to take it away and come back with a kid-sized one.
My friend replied that the glasses are all the same size, the adult size just looks bigger because they have thick bottoms. The dad responds that “the adult glass is clearly bigger and LIKE I SAID I don’t want her to have all that sugar.” My buddy is a jerk. He gives a super deliberate exaggerated nod, says nothing, and marches to our little service alley behind the bar.
That’s when he put his plan into motion. A few moments later, he re-emerges with a kids’ cup, sets it down beside the glass, picks up the glass, and pours the adult glass into the new one, lifting it progressively higher and higher until the last drop drips down into the glass, perfectly fitting into the kid-sized cup. He then darts the heck off to the kitchen without even looking at the guy, like he didn’t even exist. I exploded with laughter.
14. Making A Snap Decision
This was not at a restaurant or a retail store, but at a visitor information desk at my university. We were having our Education Week event, where parents from all over the country were exploring the programs our school had to offer. At one point, a lady rudely walked up to the information desk, snapped her fingers in the face of the student employee, and blurted out: “Tell me where the Marriott Center is.”
The student employee snapped his fingers right back, and said: “Try again.”
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15. Putting Two And Two Together
I work at a local bar. One night, a bunch of intoxicated people were making a huge mess, wasting our time, and harassing other tables. Finally, I went up to them and informed them that there was an issue. Me: “The manager has decided that all of you need to leave. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone and your behavior warrants it.”
The loudest guy at the table: “Screw you. If you kick us out, we're never gonna come back to this place.” Me: “That's exactly the point. Please leave.”
16. One Degree Of Separation
A customer at my store was being rude to me recently, so I gave her attitude back. This did not make her too happy. She aggressively said to me: “I’d watch out if I were you. I know your manager.” Without even stopping to think about it, I replied: “I know him too. So what?” She was completely dumbfounded and didn’t say another word after that.
17. Food For Thought
An Italian customer, at a cheap steakhouse in the United States, said the following: “My pasta wasn't quite Al Dente.” I replied: “You just got off a plane from Italy, ordered pasta at a cheap steakhouse in the United States, and you're surprised it was less perfect than what you are accustomed to? Not sure what you want me to do about that.” He had no reply.
18. Going Nuts
I once had a girl ordering a Pina Colada and then complaining about the coconut in it. Apparently, she didn't like coconut and didn’t realize that it was one of the main ingredients in the drink she ordered. So I got her another drink, and she goes: “What are you going to do with the old one? Are you going to throw it away?”
I just looked at her, told her that I do like coconut, and took a sip.
19. The Royal Treatment
I had more than one of these encounters, since I worked as a waiter for quite a while. I remember one particular Karen wanting a sincere apology after insulting and berating one of my best friends there, and since I was the one in charge I had to do it. So, with the biggest smile I could possibly put on, I went to her and said "I'm SOOOO sorry for AAALL the things my co-worker did to you. We here know a lady like you deserves more polite treatment, so let me help you..."
She was smiling like the crazy narcissist she is, clearly thinking she had won. Wrong. Then I added: "Let me gracefully see you to the door so you can find a restaurant that serves your kind, since you are not welcome here anymore." She was fuming. I still remember my friend’s face when he heard this. Then, as she was leaving, I said something like: "I hope you have a day as WONDERFUL as you deserve!"
She complained to management, but since I was always the "good guy" at work and my coworkers didn't say a thing, they let it pass.
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20. Ice Ice Baby
I worked at a restaurant in my hometown for years, and the most common rude thing customers would pull was lifting their empty cup with ice in it and shaking it at me, implying that they needed a refill. My response was always the same: “Are you making music, or did you need something?” Use your words, jerks. I’m not your dog.
21. A Hair-Raising Tale
Way back in the day, when I worked in the food service industry, we once had a customer who got a salad and, when she was just about finished eating it, she intentionally placed one of her hairs in the bowl in order to try and get it refunded. Instead, she got the complimentary “I’m sorry” free bakery item to make up for it. This happened several times, and eventually, it got to the point where she was doing this every single day.
Finally, the store manager sat down at her table and told her this was her last day eating in the cafe, and that they would refuse her refund today and refuse her service in the future. She started to say something about the customer always being right—but he already had a brutal reply ready for her. He just put up a hand to cut her off. He said “You cause us to lose money every day. You’re absolutely not our customer. You are a liability, and you are no longer welcome here.”
Unfortunately, this confrontation took embarrassingly long to get to. I worked in training support and the issue came to light during an associate-level customer service class. They had been rolling with it for at least a few weeks, hoping she would just stop at some point on her own. I’m not sure if the managers all knew what was going on, but I called them after class and it was taken care of between the two of them by the end of that week.
22. Planning For The Future
This happened not to me, but to my manager. At the store where I work, this one woman comes in every Sunday, without exception. And also without exception, she complains every Sunday. It really doesn’t matter what’s going on in the store or what she’s looking for. She’ll always find something to whine about. So this past time, she said, “I won’t be coming back.”
And my manager goes, “Alright, I’ll see you next week!”
23. Spoiling Her Big Plans
One day, a rude customer came into the store where I work and said: “I don't like (insert literally anything here), is the owner in? I know him!” I immediately expressed intense excitement and said: “OMG SAME! I know the owner too! He's not here right now, unfortunately, but I'm the manager on duty today so I'll help you out.” She was not amused.
24. One Last Hurrah
On my last night working as a delivery driver, I was told to keep the change on $12.98 as my tip. That’s when I snapped. I responded by rummaging through my change pouch, taking out two pennies, and tossing them back at the guy, saying “If I wanted your two cents, I would have asked you a freaking question.” I then just walked away. This was my final delivery ever, and was well worth it!
25. A Poor Phone Connection
I’m not a server, but I had a few of these incidents when I worked at the Comcast retail center. One guy in particular came in hot and was adamant that we doubled his bill. I look into his billing history and, lo and behold, he hasn't paid in two months. I point this out to him and say, "Let's be real, you haven't paid in two months."
I guess my use of the phrase "be real" triggered something in him, because now he's suddenly complaining that I have lousy customer service skills and that I’m unprofessional. He added that I should go work for McDonald’s instead. I immediately responded: "Yeah, but then where would you have to work?" I know Comcast is evil and all, but taking money from that jerk made my entire freaking week.
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26. Getting Some Special Treatment
I once saw an extremely rude guy picking on waitresses and just being a total jerk to everyone around him. There was, however, one male waiter, whom he promptly summoned. Guy: “Another drink.” Waiter: “Sorry, we have no more left.” Guy: “I don’t believe that for a second. Bring me the darn drink I asked for, right now!”
Waiter: “Oh, sorry. Let me clarify myself. We have no more drinks left… for YOU.” The waiter then walked off, leaving the guy all by himself to absorb and process what had just happened. The rude dude then left the place quietly to my great surprise. Maybe not the number one most hilarious comeback of all time, but it was a highly amusing incident to watch.
27. The Ranch Lifestyle
I was serving a group of 40 people with one other server. As we’re bringing plates out, she asks me for a side of ranch dressing. As I’m bringing the second set of plates out (it took me four or five trips), she asks again. Then again. Obviously, I’m going to bring people’s hot food out before your freaking ranch, lady. Basically, I ended up “forgetting” about her ranch because she wouldn't stop asking when I clearly couldn't physically bring it out yet.
She waits around after everyone leaves. By the way, this was a free meal being paid for by people hosting these people so they could tell them about some business opportunity, so she wasn’t even a paying customer. Once everyone is gone, she asks me in a snobby tone if I was ever going to get her ranch, and without thinking I just said "no."
Lady loses it and literally starts yelling at me. And in my calmest voice (since people don't like you being calm when they’re raging, it makes them angrier), I said "Haha, okay. Maybe don't yell at me," to which she kept yelling. So I again calmly went "Okay haha, but maybe don't yell at me." And after the second one, I could actually see the clarity wash over her.
Like she suddenly developed self-awareness for a split second. My clapback wasn't witty, but she realized she was flying off the handle. It was a great feeling.
28. Calling Her Bluff
A woman once complained to me about her cocktail, saying she couldn’t taste the “punch” in it. She asked if we could make it stronger. It was already a double, but we added a splash. She apparently still couldn’t taste it, so she asked if we could add more. She was obviously intoxicated when she arrived and angling to get more intoxicated for as cheap as possible.
Which is why I took her cocktail, apologized that it wasn’t to her liking, and said I’d take it off her bill, effectively cutting her off for the night.
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29. A Move Within A Move
I work for a moving company. The customers always get mad when we don't have the equipment available for them when they show up last minute with no reservation. “Well, I'll just go to (competitor's name)!” is what they usually say. I would always reply with exact directions: “Great, they are a block north, on the right side. You can't miss ‘em.”
This never failed to get a disgusted scoff, but we would always see them again in an hour or so to set up a reservation when the competitors didn't have any equipment either.
30. Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Fryer
Many years ago, I was working the counter at a ski resort's cafe. On one occasion, this teenage jerk came up to the counter with a container of French fries and said that he didn't bring any money, so he asked if he could just have them for free. I said nope. He said, "But I'm a good customer." And I said okay, but the French fries are for paying customers.
And I then proceeded to take them away from him and pop one in my mouth right in front of him. He had nothing to say to that, but his friend cracked up with laughter and apologized to me on his behalf. Apparently, the friend had been pretty embarrassed by the whole incident. When I turned around after this, all of my co-workers were in awe of how perfect the moment was.
31. Stopping The Gravy Train
My elderly neighbor has some connections at the Boston Pizza restaurant chain and, as a result, always gets free gravy with her fries. One time, when she went to this other restaurant called Humpty's, she asked for gravy. When she was told she would be charged a couple of dollars extra for it, she said: "But I always get it for free at Boston Pizza." The server promptly told her that she could go back to Boston Pizza, then.
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32. Did I Hear That Right?
I'm not a server, but I thought you folks might like this one anyways. I worked at Target a few years ago. When it's time to close up, a speaker warns you about 15 or so minutes early and asks you to start to wrap things up. So one day, this lady is going through clothes on the shelf at the speed of a snail. Taking her sweet time. The first warning announcement goes off.
She doesn’t react and continues slowly looking at items. All of a sudden, the recording plays again, announcing that we are closing in one minute. That’s when I came up with a plan. I walk up to her and pretend I know sign language, and start fake signing. She asks what I am doing. I replied: “Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were deaf, since you clearly didn’t react to the announcement that we’re closing right now.”
She had no idea how to respond.
33. Two Meals For The Price Of None
I had one of those women that always complains about their food, hoping to get it comped. Which she did. But then she asked for a to-go box. I said: “I thought you didn't like your meal. Are you sure you want to take it home?” She got annoyed. I should have refused to give her the box, but I was new so I boxed it for her. I got no tip of course.
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34. Slicing Up His Ego
I work at a, but it’s in North Carolina. This one time, a customer came in and ordered a slice of pizza. This is how the conversation went. Customer: “Is this really a New York slice?” My manager: “How about you get the heck out of here?? Is that New York enough for ya?” The guy actually laughed. It was pretty awesome.
35. Phoning A Friend
I'll never forget this story. I work in retail. To be more specific, I work at a big box home improvement store that deals with a lot of contractors, but I got promoted to a Human Resources position, so I don't work with customers that often anymore. That being said, I like to work the floor still from time to time, just to help out.
One small-time contractor was trying to return three large flat carts full of merchandise from her last job, and she wanted the money back in cash with no receipt. We offered to look through all of her orders in the system to find the receipts, but she didn't want to wait for that. She just wanted the cash right then and there.
So I start ringing up the merchandise, knowing full well that the system won't let me return it with no cash, but I just wanted to show her with her own eyes that store credit was the only option in this situation. The merchandise ends up totaling around $3,000, and I show her the register says "Store Credit Only." She gets irate and demands to speak to the store manager.
I tell her that he's not available and that, even if he was, even he couldn't override the system. She says something along the lines of "I don't know what magic wand you just used to make that happen, but the store manager has helped me do this before, and I want him to do it again. He knows me, and if you tell him who I am, then he will help." Well, I wasn’t letting her get out of there without a healthy dose of humiliation.
So I whip out my cell phone and call his personal phone, "Hey Store Manager! I'm really sorry to bother you on your vacation, but I have a customer here who has a problem that she says only you can fix. Do you remember [Contractor's name]? Oh, you don't? Well, she says you helped her return merchandise without a receipt for cash? You don't remember that? Okay. Yeah, I'll have one of the assistant managers take care of it."
She was NOT happy, and I told her that the only way we could do what she was asking us to do was by having one of the assistant managers call up our Regional Asset Protection manager, who would have to investigate and then decide whether or not to approve it, which could take quite some time. She ended up taking the store credit.
36. Take Me To Church
I will always remember my personal favorite story about this topic. There was this older couple, around 70ish, who would always come into this chain restaurant to eat every Sunday after church. While the wife was extremely polite, the guy was an absolute bag of jerks all rolled into one. He often yelled and berated his wife, along with the server.
On one fateful day, I was graced with their presence once again. He was being his normal jerk of a self towards me, and even worse to his wife on this particular occasion. Finally, I had had enough of his mistreatment toward his wife and said, “You better watch it, pal, because no matter what you say or what you do, I’ll have at least two minutes alone with your food before I bring it out. Bon appetit!”
The wife absolutely lost her mind laughing. He shot her a mean glare, to try and intimidate her into stopping the laughter. After hesitating for a split second, she continued with even louder laughing. In reality, I never touched his food…and neither did he. But the warning was enough to get the job done. They never came back. I hope the wife is doing okay!
37. Ask A Stupid Question, Get A Stupid Answer
When I was 16 years old and waitressing as my first job, a woman kept criticizing the food during a busy night, demanding free meals. Eventually, she started making personal remarks towards me. I replied with the most savage burn I could think up at the time. "I know you are, but what am I?" Brilliant, I know! She went up to start complaining to the manager, who didn't care and just walked off mid-sentence.
38. Going Down With The Ship
I’m a former waiter turned flight attendant. I fly on a regional plane in which there is a rear jumpseat at the back, surrounded by two passengers on the left, and another two on the right. This means that I am squished right in the middle. One time, some guy was giving me a hard time about being in the back and he was talking smack. My response?
"If the plane goes down, I will be surrounded by four squishy bodies and probably walk away unscathed. That's why I am here, in the back, in the middle, in this tiny seat. Bodies make GREAT padding." The look of silence on his face was priceless. Thankfully, he didn’t bother me again for the entire remainder of the flight.
39. All’s Well That Ends Well
When I worked in a restaurant, I once waited on a dude and a group of his friends; and he was just generally being a big jerk towards me the whole time. Condescending, snapping his fingers to get my attention, calling me sweetie, the whole nine yards. He also kept claiming that he was a “friend of the owner” and that he should be able to order from the breakfast menu because of this.
Even though I said no and informed him that all of our breakfast stuff is put away, and that this time of day was open for dinner service only. Well, after a while, I decided that I'd had about enough. When he got the bill, because there were so many in his party, I was able to autograt it (meaning add an automatic 20% tip for myself on their check).
I brought him his bill and explained the autograt, and he looked at me and said “Wow, are you really okay with only getting this amount for your tip? I could've left you more, you know!” And I immediately replied, “Oh, don't worry, there's a line below the autograt where you can add even more of a tip if you want!” And I walked away. I guess out of sheer embarrassment, he did end up leaving me more.
40. Take It Up With The Board
Not me personally, but this happened to my manager in a luxury boutique hotel. The building dates back to the 16th century, in an old town with cobbled streets and antique shops. People come for the charm of the good ol’ days. One time, I had a customer leave a TripAdvisor online review. The reason why was insane. She complained that the floorboards in the hotel freaked her out.
My manager responded by pointing out the age of the building and told the customer that next time they would probably be more comfortable staying at a Travelodge. We all laughed our heads off when we read that reply. We even had a guest check in a few weeks later who told me that he’d seen the manager's response to that review, and that it had convinced him to come and stay at the hotel.
41. Spicing Things Up A Bit
I don’t work in a restaurant or a typical retail type of store, but this story does have to do with a customer service incident in relation to selling food. The place I work for is a 24-hour shop, so we are always open regardless of what time of day or night it is. On this one particular occasion, a customer comes in at around midnight, looking for a specific product.
She was something like 65 years old or so and super grouchy, yelling irrationally about how she wants this certain extremely specific thing to cook a dish. We didn’t have it in stock, and as far as I was aware no other store did either. It didn’t even exist locally. It was some super specific, uncommon foreign spice thing.
I don’t even remember exactly what it was called anymore, as this story happened well over a decade ago at this point. Anyway, eventually, after several minutes of this woman’s ranting and raving, our assistant store manager comes up, smiles, and asks if he can be of assistance. We hadn’t even called for him or anything.
He just heard her from all the way in the back of the store and thought he should see what the heck was going on. He asks what she wants and she repeats her ridiculous demands. He politely apologizes and tells her: “No, unfortunately, that’s a product that we don’t carry, but [alternate local grocer that’s also open 24/7] does. It’s just up the street about a mile or so.”
She thanks him, and leaves. I ask him about it, knowing that it was clearly a lie, and he says, “No, of course they don’t have it, this woman is clearly out of her mind. But now it’s that store’s problem and not mine.” Can’t argue with that! I’ve always wondered what might have happened when she arrived at the other store and discovered they didn’t have it either. But I guess I’ll never know!
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42. Dinner And A Show
I was a customer in this case, but I witnessed the whole thing. I was waiting for my to-go order of fried chicken one night and I overheard this crazy redneck jerk giving his waitress a hard time because his fried chicken was unsatisfactory and “not like mama used to make.” The waitress literally just stared at him silently for a few moments, then told him to go make it himself if he didn’t like it the way we made it.
She then triumphantly walked off, and the guy just sat there with a stupid look on his face not knowing what to say or do. And then every single person in the restaurant erupted with applause and cheers.
43. Cracking The Code
I once had a customer harassing me over a product that he had bought and wanted to return. He had no receipt, it was well over the return date, and he claimed he had paid for it in cash, so there was no paper trail or evidence of the transaction whatsoever. I told him that the return policy was only valid within 30 days of the purchase, and that he also had to have a receipt in order to receive a refund.
Him: “You’re just paid to say that.” Me: “As a matter of fact, I am paid to say that. That’s how jobs work!” He didn’t know what to say. But I never saw him in the store again!
44. Now That’s What I Call A Corny Reaction
As the owner, I love this story. I used to own a concession business, selling various novelty food items like kettle corn, shaved ice, etc. One of our weekly shows was very busy. So busy, in fact, that we pretty much had 50 or more customers in line for the entire day, without any break. Admittedly, the wait for our items took a bit, due to these extremely long lines.
However, my staff and I busted our rear-ends like there was an electric cord shoved up our rear ends to give people service as quickly as possible. Nevertheless, this one guy is non-stop whining. I can hear him from 20 people away. So I wait. Once he's just a few people away from the front, I turn to my staff and say, "Time to shut off the equipment!"
The equipment was loud, so turning it off created an odd silence. With there still being more than 50 people in line, I turn to the guy—and left him utterly humiliated. I say loud enough for everyone in line to hear. "Sir, I'm not sure if you noticed how hard my staff is working to get you your kettle corn as quickly as possible. Perhaps, you have some suggestions for us to make it go faster for you."
I can't remember if he stayed, but everyone else in line clapped on behalf of my staff. The customer is NOT always right.
45. There’s Something Fishy About This
I live in a small town and I used to work in a fish and chips shop, one of two such shops in the town. We were a tourist town, and one of the main attractions was the award-winning fish and chips we boast. I believe our shop was one of the top five fish and chips shops in the county while I was there. People in the town believed we were in massive competition with the other shop, but the truth is we really weren't.
We had more than 25 staff members employed. They had around seven or eight in total. We were serving thousands more customers than them per week, or even per day in the summer. So, on the rare occasion when a customer got angry, they would simply exclaim “WELL, I’M GOING TO [INSERT SUPPOSED COMPETITORS NAME HERE] INSTEAD, AND I WON'T BE BACK!”
They said this as if it was a big deal and would really hurt our feelings and/or our business. We would simply reply by telling them that we don't want them back anyway, and that they should enjoy the food from the other shop. There’s also one little interesting detail that we generally chose not to tell them in these situations. We owned both shops.
46. Down To A Science
We don’t use trays at the restaurant I work at. Instead, you just take what you can carry and go back for the rest, or have someone follow you. I usually just carry one item in each hand so I don’t risk dropping things when delivering customers’ items to their tables. Pretty often, I’ll immediately hear “Uhhh, we’re missing [insert random item here]” in a condescending or rude way.
99% of the time, these comments are from older people. I just always politely say, without missing a beat, “Ma’am [or sir]. I only have two hands.” Not especially creative or a witty clapback, but it always shuts them up fast and gives me a nice sense of satisfaction. Why do people have to be so rude to the staff that’s trying to serve them?
47. Minding Other People’s Business
An older woman at my table once asked me what my mother must think about all my tattoos, and I said, “Well, my father doesn’t mind.” She didn’t take the hint. I guess it wasn’t a very good hint for someone as slow as her. She then asked “Well, what about your mother?” To which I replied: “She’s gone. She doesn’t do a lot of thinking these days.”
Did she stop there? Nope. That would be too logical for someone as dumb as this moron. She then had the gall to say to me: “Did she pass of SHAME?” I just calmly said: “Nope. Cancer.” I then dropped the check and walked away. They weren’t done eating, but her guests looked like they wanted to leave right then and there.
48. Check, Please!
I used to be a server in Muskoka, Ontario many years ago. For those who don’t know, this is one of the most popular upscale summer cottage regions in Canada. There are always lots of celebrities in the area for the summer, and in my day I served burgers to Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, drinks to Martin Short and Dan Akroyd, and got to meet many other big names.
One time, I had a local nobody at one of my tables who thought he was a big-shot celebrity. He would never tip and would always crumple up both copies of the Visa bill into a tiny little ball—but that’s not the worst part. He would even chew on it the receipts until they were the size of a spitball. So this jerk comes in with a bunch of friends and treats them all to supper, running up a $600 bill.
He then crumples up the Visa bills again into a tiny little ball and flicks it at me with a grin on his face. I swiftly kick it off the patio and it falls into the lake our patio is on. He sees this and says in front of the whole table, "I guess you won't know what your tip is now!" I tell the whole table flat out that he never tips anyway, so no big loss.
I then walk away, leaving them to awkwardly digest what I had just said. But I didn’t stop there. Eventually, they left. At that moment, I immediately called the authorities and reported him on a “dine and dash” claim, because there is no evidence that this guy paid for his dinner since the receipt was in the lake now. I even deleted the pre-authorization from the debit machine, just for good measure.
So a bunch of officers show up at this guy's house and make him return to the restaurant to pay again. He was never a jerk to me ever again.
49. X Marks The Spot
I’ve never worked at a restaurant, but I used to work as a parking attendant in the garage at a local ski resort. I was occasionally allowed to clap back at rude customers, which was always nice to know. The best one went like this. Guy: “Why can't I just park there?” Me: “Because we have a bunch of school buses full of kids coming later and we need to reserve this space for them.”
Guy: “But I'm a good driver. C'mon, there's no parking anywhere else!" Me: “Yes, there is. You'll just have to walk a little bit further from your car to get to the elevator.” Guy: “But I don't want to do that!" Me: “Too bad.” I then left briefly to go to the bathroom, and came back to find the guy and his family getting ready and unloading their equipment from their car—which was parked exactly where I told them they were not allowed to.
When the guy saw that I had returned, he gave me a little smirk, as though he had somehow outsmarted me. Without breaking eye contact, and without saying a word, I immediately filled out a parking ticket and placed it on his windshield right in front of him and his family. Guy: “Hey, what the heck are you doing, man?” Me: “Move your car now, or I’ll tow it too.”
And that was the end of that situation!
50. He Knew Egg-sactly What He Was Doing
One night at the restaurant where I work, the host seated a table for me to serve. It was a couple and their toddler. The two sat on the same side of the booth, kissed, etc., so I knew they were a couple, but the woman looked much older than the man. Like, she looked terrible. I'm sure it was due to substance use of some kind, but regardless it was very clearly noticeable.
So she's super rude to me the entire time. She asked for her eggs over easy hard. Our conversation went like this. Me: “Ma'am, your eggs can be over easy, which is kind of runny, or over hard where they're fully cooked.” Her: “Oh, bless your heart, you have no idea do you?” Me: “Ma'am?” Her: “Why don't you get me a real server, and he can make my eggs the way I like them.”
Me: “Uhh, ma'am, I know how eggs are cooked. Over easy hard doesn't tell me anything. Do you want them over medium?” Her: “How hard is your job? Honestly, how hard is it to just serve people eggs?” I'd had it at that point. I gave her order to the cook, and of course, he asked me what she meant. I told him to just make them over medium, as I felt like that was what she meant.
I gave her the eggs and she sighed real heavily. Her: “I'm sorry, was my order too hard for you? Did ya not understand me? What the heck kind of place is this that nobody can make me eggs?” I took a deep breath—and gave her the comeback of a lifetime. I said: “Ma'am, I apologize to you, your son, and your grandson. Let me go ahead and comp your meal.”
Her face twisted up and got so red that I thought it was going to pop off of her face. “THIS IS MY HUSBAND AND THAT'S MY SON!!” Ohh boy, it was so worth it. “WHERE IS YOUR MANAGER!! I NEED YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW!!” I got my manager. He yelled at me in the office, but couldn't prove that I was purposefully disingenuous.
51. Getting Schooled
Once, back when I was in high school, our teacher was away for the day and I was joking around with the substitute in one of my classes, since I knew him from outside of school. We were talking about girlfriends or something. He had mentioned something about dating women, so I yell out to him, "Your mother doesn't count!" to which he replied, "Well, she's an accountant, so yeah, she does." I had to give him a bro-fist for it.
52. Do You Know Who I Am?
I was on a crowded bus with my friend one time when a girl from our high school just randomly decided to confront us. She had obviously been drinking and began to go off about how my friend had treated her horribly in high school because she used to be fat. She had recently lost a lot of weight and was clearly proud of it.
She then went on to say, so that the whole bus heard her, "Well look at me now, what do you have to say about me now???" To which my friend just replied, "I guess elephants never forget." The entire bus, lost it...her face was priceless. That said, I don’t know that it was our finest moment, she just seemed like a bad person on the inside too.
53. Quick on the Draw
A few years ago, I was working as a checker at Safeway. One day, a man and his son come up to my line. They start unloading their cart, and I quickly grab each item as they place it on the belt. It's a very large cart and we both start going faster until he asks if we're now racing. I tell him that if he wants to, I'm more then happy to win.
He gives me a smile and both the dad and the kid start throwing things on the belt and I'm still keeping up. He looks at me and just says, "Your overconfidence will be your weakness." Without even a half-second delay, I give my best decrepit voice and reply, apparently quite loudly, "Your faith in your friends is yours!"
He just stops completely in his tracks and we both start cracking up, along with most of the lines around us, as well as all my co-workers who heard it. I was proud of myself for weeks after that happened, and I still don't think I've ever been that quick-witted since.
54. Instant Replay
Back when I was a senior in high school, our football stadium underwent an enormous and expensive renovation. Like, we’re talking an actual Jumbotron was added to the end zone. We were one of the only high schools in the state to have one. Yeah, it was absolutely ridiculous, and we were also one of the richest schools in the neighborhood.
Well, quite rightly, lots of my friends and acquaintances from rival high schools chided use to no end about our Jumbotron. Fast forward to basketball season. It was an away game across town at a fairly big basketball complex. This thing was massive, and acted as the home court for like three or four high school around my city.
It was a big rivalry game with a packed house, and my school was currently destroying the other team. After one particularly flashy fast break and dunk, the entire arena went oddly silent after we finished cheering for our team. I saw my moment, and I took it—with amazing results. I shouted, "I wanna see that again, where's your Jumbotron?"
It was met with lots of angry "Ooooohhhhhhhs" and a smattering of boos from the other side of the arena, as well as a stern look from one of our vice principals that eventually cracked into a smile and full-blown laughter. Yeah, everyone was right to make fun of us, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t tease them back about it. Also, we won that game.
55. Don’t Stand by Me
I had just gone through a horrible breakup with my ex. Throughout my entire relationship, she kept me hanging on a string. She would burst into tantrums, ice me out, and then the next day she’d act like I was the one who needed to apologize and she was somehow the injured party. I honestly always wanted to make it work, but that’s not what happened.
So one day, she actually broke it off with me for good after another one of her tantrums. Told me she never wanted to see me again, threw out a bunch of my stuff, the whole nine yards. I’m heartbroken but making it through, and finally starting to see something of a light at the end of the tunnel after a few weeks without her. Then I get a text.
She says she wants to meet me for coffee. I don’t know exactly why I said yes, probably because I wasn’t completely over her, and a little because I wanted to see if I could get any closure from her. I didn’t know how I was going to react, but the minute I walked into that coffee shop, I just knew I was better off without her. Then she spoke, and I really knew.
Once more, she starts acting like all of this is my fault, not taking any responsibility or accountability for her actions. She ends her little speech and we get up to leave. I’m still not sure why she wants me here—if she wants to get back together or what. As she’s saying goodbye, she says tearfully that she “never knew where she stood with me.”
I know now she’s leaving a little opening for us, but I can’t do it anymore. I just put my hand on her shoulder, guide her a few inches to the left, and say a little firmly, "Stand over there."
56. He Gave as Good as He Got
I was with a buddy of mine who was known to be sort of a loose cannon. We're drinking at the bowling alley and there is a family next to us and the men are wearing turbans. My friend is of Mexican descent, and at this point he's had his fair share of drinks. He turns to look at one of the men wearing the turban and he says...
"Hey, why do you wear that towel around your head?" And without skipping a beat, the other man shoots right back with a…"To wipe the wet off your back." I've never seen my friend look more stunned. Even three sheets to the wind, he knew that he had just been defeated big time. We left shortly after this, tail between our legs.
57. Not Today, Whiner
This guy at my college job ALWAYS had something to complain about every single time he came in. Maybe his friend was talking to his girl, his girl didn't want to hang out with him, he hit someone else in traffic, etc...One day, we were having a store meeting with everyone in it. It was early in the morning so I didn't feel like hearing it this time, and I was particularly short with him.
We were standing in the group and he apparently had just told everyone the story of how he was going to be in low spirits today because his girlfriend broke up with him. I came in a bit late to the circle and everyone is just kind of staring at their feet. He was good at milking a crowd...Me: "What's up, everybody?"
Him: "I just let everyone know that my girlfriend dumped me last night, so I'll probably have to take it easy today. It was about 10 PM and she call—" Me: "Yeah, yeah, life's tough all over. You've prepped your excuse for laziness, got'cha. I meant, what is the meeting about?" The group just started laughing and he kept his mouth shut for the rest of the meeting.
Sounds petty, but I felt great and everyone was thrilled that he stopped milking it for 20 minutes.
58. Whine and Dine
My stepdad was having a Christmas dinner party a few years back for his firm at his house. One of my stepdad's friends had just been talking blowhard stuff all night, especially little comments here and there about me, you could call it teasing. At first I brushed it off because he was drinking, but it got to me after a while.
Anyway, we're all eating at the table and he's sitting across from me, his date is at the end of the table, to the right of me. Everyone was talking, and somehow the conversation steered towards me about to make it a long-distance thing with my girl, because I was moving for college. So the dude starts talking up again, saying something along the lines of, "You're so young to be whipped, when I was your age I had all sorts of fun before I got old.” It was almost awkward.
Then the date gently grabs his bicep and says, "It's ok, I like my men how I like my grape beverage," and me without skipping a beat says, "You like them extra-fruity?" The whole dinner table of like 15 of us just started laughing uproariously.
59. Those Who Can’t Do, Burn
We were in 6th grade and there was this kid who was always the troublemaker, Richie. One day while Richie was making trouble in Mr. Franklin’s class, Mr. Franklin reached his breaking point. "Richie, quit screwing around and being disruptive and just apply yourself. You are going to be 40 years old still in the 6th grade.” Richie looked him in the eye and retorted, "You're 40 and still in the 6th grade."
60. A Match Made in Heaven
The story of how my grandparents went on their first date includes the greatest comeback ever. My future grandfather was working at the cash register in a sub shop. My future grandmother was standing in the line waiting to order. They had kind of met a few times in passing before, but never really spoken to each other one-on-one.
My grandpa decided that this day was going to be the one where he finally struck up a conversation. When she got up to the register, my grandfather, attempting to hit on her, jokingly said: “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” My grandma quickly replied: “I don’t know, but you’ve been doing it a lot longer than I have!” They’ve been happily married ever since!
61. Who’s Your Daddy?
My dad likes to jokingly say that I'm his favorite daughter. The whole joke is that we both know I'm his only daughter. One day, I was in a savage kind of mood and, when he made this joke, I responded with: "That's nice. You're only my second favorite dad though." Naturally, he asked: "Who's your favorite dad?" I said "Ask mom."
62. Wiping Your Fears Away
Back when I was a teenager, I once got into an argument with my mother about my not wanting to do any chores. Mum asked: "Do you think I should wipe your behind for you too?" I replied: "Beats doing it myself!" My mum was so caught off guard by the comment that she didn’t even know how to react at first. We both laughed so hard we completely forgot about the argument.
63. Age Is Just a Number
I was dating a girl in college. I was in my second year and she was an older grad student. She was really apprehensive about her looks and our age difference. One time, we were cuddling and I guess she started feeling insecure. She said, "You shouldn't be with me, you should be with someone young and beautiful and thin."
She set me up perfectly for an epic comeback…and I couldn’t resist. I just wrapped my arms around her waist, looked her in the eyes very seriously, and said, "But honey, I don't want someone who is young and beautiful and thin. I want you." She jabbed me in the ribs, and then laughed for 20 minutes straight.
64. If Looks Could Burn
At middle schools here in Southern Arizona, they do a simple "promotion ceremony" for kids graduating eighth grade to go into high school. It's a stupid process. Public education here is a joke, so there's no way you don’t get moved along to high school assuming you show up to class most of the time. But for some reason, some families treat it like it's some combination of a wedding and college graduation.
We're talking hundreds of dollars on elaborate dresses for 13-year-old girls, and little guys in ill-fitting tuxes. Well, my wife (obviously not at the time) wore jeans and a T-shirt to it because it's a worthless ceremony. When she did, a bunch of girls in their pretty dresses came up to her, talking mad trash about how they couldn't believe she looked like garbage, and how she was the only one not dressed up.
Without missing a beat, my wonderful wife says, "This isn't the last graduation I'll ever attend," and walks away. I think some of these girls might have tried to fight her if they weren't all done up in their dresses. Sure enough, many of those girls dropped out of high school to have kids and live less-than-enjoyable lives.
65. The Bread Winner
I was in line at a sub shop when a lady crammed up to the front and tossed a sub near the cash register. She was demanding money back for some reason. Anyways, when she made her approach, she pushed ahead of some dad-looking man who was in a suit, and got some of her sub mess on him. He was not pleased about it.
As she was getting her refund, the man calmly grabbed her credit card from her and tossed it out the door. She turned to him, and the conversation went as follows: “What's wrong with you, don't touch my property, I'll have you detained!” So he says, “Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you might enjoy a game of fetch. You know, because you're a dog and all.”
To this day, I think about how cool and calm that guy was. A true hero. Even better, I don't believe the man had to pay for his sub after that. The guy behind the counter sort of happily shooed him away when he attempted to pay after the lady went to pick up her card. But the dude still paid. Just left the money on the counter, thanked the guy, and walked out.
Didn't ask for change or anything. Who tips in a sub shop? Well, apparently heroes.
66. The Fast and the Farcical
I was riding in a car with one of my buddies and he was way over the speed limit on a pretty empty county highway. To give you some idea, he was going 90ish with a 55 mph limit. Well, suddenly we hear a patrol car behind us and we pull over. The officer walks up to the window and says in a country accent with a grin on his face, "Boy, I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver of the car, my friend, didn't even hesitate for a second before he retorted: "Sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could." The officer was in tears for the next 20 seconds, laughing uncontrollably. My friend got off with a warning and the officer told him that was the first time anyone had made him laugh that hard while he was on duty.
67. Tricky Richard
Here's my favorite self-burn. In high school math class, there was this nice, nerdy guy named Richard. The jerk of the class, let’s call him John, keeps calling Richard "Rick." Like, "Hey, Rick, did you get the answer to #4?" Richard keeps calmly saying "It's Richard." Finally, the teacher says, "Richard, what do you prefer to be called?"
Richard says, "I prefer Richard." John says, "Well, I prefer Rick." After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, John realized what he said and sunk as far down into his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again. We were teenagers in the 80s, so this really was the height of hilarity in class.
68. Keeping Him in Suspense
I was at a friend’s place with a lot of people who I didn't really know too well. We were all having a few brews. Suddenly, this dude from across the table says to me, quite aggressively, that my suspenders were ugly and that they made me look like I was trying too hard—which, to be fair, I was. But I still dealt him a crushing hit.
Without skipping a beat, I stood up, unclipped my suspenders, and put them in my pocket. When I sat down, I looked straight into his eyes and replied, "Now let’s talk about that face tattoo of yours.”
69. Not My Type
A friend of mine in first-year university had never really dated any girls yet. This dumb meathead who we were kind of friends with told him one day, "When you do get a girlfriend, I'm totally going to sleep with her." The guy absolutely slayed him. He responded, "If I had a girlfriend who would sleep with you, her cheating on me wouldn't be the issue."
70. Family Rude
I still think about this comeback to this day. I have two little brothers, and it was my dad's birthday, so the semi-extended family was all at a restaurant to celebrate. I had just graduated from my dad's alma mater, and my middle brother was currently a junior there. However, my youngest brother, a freshman, had opted to go to a state school.
At one point my uncle said, "So [youngest brother], how does your dad feel about you breaking the trend of men going to the alma mater?” My little brother thought about it for a moment and then said, "Well, he probably doesn't mind, considering I also broke the trend of not being able to get higher than a 3.0."
The table absolutely exploded in laughter and whooping. My other brother and I just stared at each other across the table, like oh my god, did we just get crushed? It's especially funny because my little brother was one of those shy high school kids who went off to college and then suddenly came back fun and socially confident.
I was hoping that development would happen, I just never expected it to stab me in the face.
71. Do I Know You?
I witnessed this exchange between two of my friends when they were having a fight. My one friend yelled, "Everyone thinks you're a jerk!” Without batting an eyelash, the other one replied, "Well, you know what everyone thinks about you? Nothing. No one ever thinks about you. I know I don't." Welp, points to my second friend.
72. Belt It out, Granny
My dear grandmother. She had a quick and savage wit. My fiancé and I held a “meet the whole family” get-together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother. His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beverage gut. He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiancé was a mischief-maker when he was young.
He then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip him for being bad. My frail little grandmother stares directly at my husband’s dad's tummy and says, "Your belt? However could you find it?" Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
73. *Chef’s Kiss*
When I saw this one, I never forgot it. Gordon Ramsay asks his daughter on-camera, “So what’s it like being the daughter of the most famous chef in the world?” His daughter replies, “I wouldn’t know; Jamie Oliver’s not my dad.” Boom. Roasted.
74. Cutting His Teeth
I was once criticized by an older family member for having a stray tooth that gave me a bit of a craggy smile as an adolescent. I was raised to not criticize what people can't help and to give compliments where possible, so I did just that…sort of. Aunt: “Nice crocodile smile!” Me: “Uh, thanks...” I thought’s she’d stop, but nope.
Aunt: “It's just that tooth, you know, makes your smile all crooked but it's not that bad. You could get it fixed.” Me: “I suppose, but I know I'll never have teeth as nice as yours are. They are like stars.” Aunt: “Like stars? You mean as in bright? Me: No, as in they come out at night.” My uncle had once given me a book called 1001 Insults for Every Occasion, and that gem was in it.
75. A Boy Only a Mother Could Love
When I was in middle school many years ago, a guy was teasing an awkward kid about not being able to get girls, being "gay," and never being able to get laid. Another guy spoke up and said, “Dude, you ain’t had a woman since a woman had you.” The entire class and the teacher started laughing. The original guy shut the heck up.
76. Something’s Fishy
The cafeteria lunch lady got me in front my whole class. That day, we were having tuna fish for lunch. I was upset at this option, and said," Tuna fish? I'd rather have a poop sandwich!” Without missing a beat, this 80-year-old lady fires back, “Wait right there, I’ll go make you one in the back." Needless to say, I went with the tuna.
77. The Winds of Change
When I was seven, I was at a crowded McDonald’s near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line that was waiting to order food and I accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids. She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice, “Well excuuuuse me." My seven-year-old self responded with the most hilarious thing I could think of.
"Why, did you emit wind?" A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a seven-year-old. To this day, I have no idea why I said it, but I'm really glad I did.
78. Table Talk
I was sitting in a bar at 3 AM off of Bourbon St. in New Orleans. The windows of the bar were just open shutters, and a dude who just left the bar leans in on our table to shout at some friends who were still in the bar. When he does this, one of the people in our group makes a sill, snide comment about him in an offhand way.
The dude leaning in then smacks the table with an open palm and says, “Everybody who ever loved you was wrong.” He walked away without looking back. It was all said in the good-natured camaraderie that can only be accomplished by drunks at 3 AM, and all of us just howled with laughter. We still revel in that story.
79. Sass in Stereo
The president of a company I worked for a few years back has the best story about his mom. She was a school teacher and didn’t have a lot of money, but she had saved meticulously and purchased a Cadillac using cash. A stipulation of the sale was that she did absolutely not want the stock speakers in the vehicle; she wanted a good sound system.
But looking down on her car after picking it up, she could see into the rear window and noticed immediately that the speakers were definitely stock. She returned to the dealership the next day to confront the salesman. For whatever reason, this guy copped a serious attitude and claimed that she hadn't asked for higher-grade speakers. She gave a classic response.
Totally deadpan, she goes, "Why don't you go get me your boss. I know you have a boss." She returned the vehicle and purchased one from a separate dealership.
80. Gotta Catch ‘em all
I really liked anime when I was in school, and so all the people who used to tease me back then often taunted me with stuff about Pokemon. One day in math class, one of the worst guys turned around and said in a mean voice, "I've caught all the Pokemon, what about you?" Me: "Really? Have you caught Chlamydia yet?" But that wasn’t the best part.
Him: "Of course I have.” Then, a girl in front of him turned around and said, "Dude, that's a disease." He looked so ashamed, and I felt completely vindicated.
81. Smooth Operator
One evening when I was out and very much single, I was trying to flirt with a girl who was quite a bit taller than me at a bar. The girl dismissively said, "I've got at least 6 inches on you." Without missing a beat, I replied, "That's okay, I've got at least 7 inches on you." She laughed—and bought me a drink. Thanks, brain.
82. Corporate Comeback
I was at a happy hour work event and I was getting ready to leave. As I do, I see that my coat is still on the barstool that I was at earlier, but it’s now being sat on by my CEO. Likewise, my bag was on the bar next to him. So I walk over and somewhat sheepishly—I was pretty low on the totem pole at this point—say, "Excuse me."
I get my coat, but when I go to grab my bag, he grabs it and says, winking at the CFO, "It's cool, we've already been through your bag, there's no money in there.” Without even thinking, I said "Yeah, we're gonna have to have a talk about that." They burst out laughing and after that, I was cool with the CEO.
83. Act Your Age
I was at a bar, at a table, with some friends. A group of women who looked to be in their early 50s were sitting at a nearby table. They were completely hammered, which normally wouldn't be an issue. Except these ladies were literally gutting younger women with insults as they'd pass by. Trying to see how many they could make cry.
After about an hour or so of this happening, these women start looking for men to take home. I know this because they were nice enough to announce it out loud to the entire bar, every few minutes. One of the women, a blonde who happened to be the ring leader of this group, kept looking over at me, trying to capture my attention.
Not being overly attracted to obnoxious women, I ignore her, which only makes it worse, and only makes her more angry. So she gets up and walks over to our table. Tells me that she's going to the bathroom and that I better be there when she returns, because I'm going home with her. To which I say, it's not happening.
But she ignores me and makes her way to the bathroom. On her way back, she walks past me and loudly exclaims "Jerk!" so everyone at her table and my table can hear. To which I respond, "Oh mom, you know how you get after two drinks..." She turned around, and I've rarely seen a woman so angry. She started screaming something I couldn't make out, which attracted the bouncer who promptly kicked her out. Everyone clapped.
84. A Slice of His Own Medicine
I used to work at this pizza joint that would stay open late on the weekends to hit the bar crowd. The pizza was "New York Style," so 18" pie was standard and slices were as big as your face. A pair of guys came in and ordered a slice each of the meat lover’s pizza, which came out to a somewhat hefty sum of like $4.75 a slice.
Now, I get it that one might find this pizza to be pricey, but the amount of toppings we put on it made up for that, so I thought. Well, these guys began throwing a fit about it and we defended ourselves by saying that we didn't set the prices, and we're sorry but that’s how it is, we have to eat too. That’s when the claws really came out.
One of the guys looks at my co-worker, who is a bit overweight, and goes, "Well, you look like you're eating well..." He then pays for the slice and sits down to eat it. Five minutes later, I walk out with a slice for a different customer who asked to have his slice warmed in the oven, and as I turn around to go back behind the counter, those two guys are standing right in front of me and get all up in my face.
The one guy from before goes, "We’re gonna leave our garbage on the table for you to clean up, cause your pizza is too expensive." I looked him right in the eyes and said, "You come rolling in here wearing your Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, ready to pay $8 for a shot, and you're going to complain about $5 pizza? Get the heck out of my restaurant.”
As I said it, the guy looks around the whole restaurant that is now staring at us, and starts doing the whole, "pssssshhhhhh pffffttt pssshhhhhhhh" stuff, so I double down. I go, “What’s your problem? I said get out.” And all of a sudden, the whole restaurant erupted into a bunch of "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH." People were clapping. It was amazing.
The owner always told the guys running the bar shift that they could say and do whatever they needed to in order to get someone to leave who was being rude or disorderly. I took that privilege very seriously.
85. Getting Antsy
My sister was about four years old and wanting to play kitchen in her room, so she grabbed some cereal boxes from the kitchen and put them in her bedroom. My mother was trying to explain why it wasn't acceptable and said, "The cereal will bring ants, do you want ants in your room?" My sister, not missing a beat, replied, "Do you want ants in your kitchen?!” This story still gets brought up at family gatherings 20+ years later.
86. Look at You, Now Look at Me
I work in a supplement store. One night as I was nearing the end of my shift and getting tired of talking to people, a young guy and his buddy walk in. The guy decides he's going to be Mr. Funny Man and make jokes about all the products. I hate when people do this, because the jokes are never funny, and I've also heard them all before.
So after humoring a few somewhat obnoxious quips from him, the guy grabs a fat burner off the shelf and holds it up at me. "Oooh, look at this one,” he says, turning to me. “Hey, miss, is this gonna make me look waaay better?" To which I replied, "I really hope so." His buddy and the other guys in the store just started cracking up. I hadn't MEANT to sound so witchy, it just sort of came out that way.
87. Cha-Ching
I was sitting at a row of slot machines in Las Vegas with my uncle. We're just sitting there chatting and lighting up when a woman comes and chooses to sit next to US. After a few moments, she gives that fake cough to get someone’s attention, then looks at my uncle and has the gall to say, "You need to put that thing out, it's bothering me."
Without skipping a beat, he replies, "Oh yeah, it's bothering you? Well, it's really bothering me and I'm not complaining about it, now please leave." That is still one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed. The lady jumped up and I guarantee headed straight to talk to a manager.
88. In Your Face!
My old roommate’s wife used to be a waitress at one of our local restaurants. She's a pretty noticeably attractive woman. One night, she's serving a table full of middle-aged businessmen who had been drinking. They're mostly polite, but one dude is starting to get pretty intoxicated and really forward with his comments.
He crudely tells her, "I really want you to sit on my face." Without missing a beat, she came up with the most crushing clapback of all time. She sarcastically replied, "Why is that? Because your nose is bigger than your intimate parts?" The rest of the table went absolutely nuts. They thought this was the funniest thing they had ever heard. Meanwhile, the dude turned bright red and left her alone from that point on.
89. Proving Him Wrong
I had a really witty teacher for my game design class, but the vice-principal hated him for whatever reason. One day, we were all studiously working with our headphones on and programming away while our teacher was sitting up at the front reading a book. He was very clearly available and approachable if we had any questions.
Nevertheless, the VP walked into the room and lost his mind. He said: "It has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable." My teacher then gave him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly placed his book down, and clapped his hands loudly three times, which was his very effective way of getting our attention while we were listening to music.
Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said. The teacher then said: "Ok class, listen up. I have an exercise for you. This will only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up." We all stood up in near unison, very quickly. The teacher then said: "Good job.”
He continued, while pointing his finger at the VP: “Now, I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and, no matter what this guy says, do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!" We all exited the room, a little intrigued by what was going on. The teacher said: "Ok, Mr. VP. Bring them back into the classroom" We didn't budge. To this day, this is one of my favorite stories to tell.
90. Family Feud
My friend told me about this one. Apparently, this was an actual exchange between two people at work that he had overheard. A guy came in, saw his friend, and said "Hey buddy! How's your wife and my kid?" Without even thinking twice about it, his friend replied "The wife is doing great, but the kid is an imbecile!"
91. Je Ne Sais Quois
I have an issue learning spoken language. So, when I started French, I was doing horribly despite how hard I was working. During a parent-teacher conference, my French teacher told my parents that I was incapable of learning French. I was blown away by my dad’s reply. My dad leaned in and said: "Madame, there are mentally handicapped children in France who are capable of learning French. He is capable of learning, you're just incapable of teaching."
92. Pounding the Pavement
My club had a Secret Santa gift exchange one year in college. One guy got a collection of British currency, which was perfect since he liked to collect foreign bills and coins. Some girl made a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain could stop it. It was totally worth it though.
In the heat of the moment, I let out an incredible comeback. I said: "Karen, don't be rude. He just didn't want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester!" Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight with me, while she herself burst into tears. It was not the best day for our club...
93. But Who Monitors the Monitor?
In high school, my classmates and I were waiting outside of the room for math class, since the teacher hadn’t yet arrived. The hall monitor, who was a big, burly jerk, walks up to us and yells at us to get to class. Nobody says anything for a second, then I step up and say, "You heard the man, everybody walk through that locked door and get to class."
94. Be Careful What You Wish for
I had this horrible boss who never recognized all the good I did. She only berated me for every perceived mistake. Well, one day I made a small mistake at work and she flat-out told me, “Get yourself together. I can fire you and find someone who could do this better in five minutes!" I’d had enough—and I let her know it in the best way possible.
I took my apron off and, as head waiter 10 minutes before a Friday lunch rush, handed it to her. Then I said, “You’ve got five minutes.”
95. The Customer Is Always Right, Especially This Lady
I was out to eat, and this younger lady was acting like a total witch in the restaurant to the staff. Everyone was obviously getting really embarrassed by her behavior…until this middle-aged lady piped up and said from her table, “Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to act like that.” I seriously could have burst out into applause.
96. Re-Jected
A “popular” girl who definitely had no interest in me once jokingly asked me out to prom in front of the whole class. I knew she was just trying to ridicule me—so I gave her a brutal taste of her own medicine. Without a moment's hesitation, I said, “No thanks Lauren, I have standards.” The whole class and the teacher lost it.
97. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Angry, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree.
More that that, it was twisted in the wrong direction! Even more angry, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket.
So he was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
98. Miracle Babies
My ex-wife is suing me for child support…but I don't even have the “equipment.” I lost it when I was 14 due to a major health problem. I married a woman who at the time claimed to be asexual, however eventually she told me that she was pregnant with twins with a man she was sleeping with. We divorced before the children were born. This is now four years later.
So I received a letter in the mail that said I'm being sued for child support. The children are definitely not mine and we divorced before they were even born. I'm in a horrible situation, my health is very poor and my finances are very, very limited. I'm barely affording to survive here.
99. Going Out with a Bang
I did not like the overly condescending boss that I had at my last job. One day, while looking over my shoulder at my work as usual, he said: "Can I ask a stupid question?" Since it was my last week at that job anyway, I immediately came back and responded with: "You seem qualified!" I have to say I was pretty proud of myself!
100. Somebody Got Time for That
My little brother has reached the age where half of his communication is done through internet memes. My mom asked him to do a chore, and he replied, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" My mom replied smoothly, "You're a 15-year-old virgin with no job, no girlfriend, and no social life. You've got time for it, bud."
