Is any bond more sacred than one between a host and their guest? Okay, maybe that’s taking it too seriously—but certainly, a host should expect a level of decency from those staying in their home? Sadly, that’s not the case for these badly burned homeowners, who have seen guests defile, insult, ravage, and generally disrespect their way through the house. See just how low we humans can go with these disturbing stories about the most disrespectful things done in other people’s homes.
1. No Friend of Felines
We had one of my dad’s friends visit a long time ago, and he really hated cats. So much so to the point where he would kick our own cat under the table. Literally, he had been in our house for five minutes, and he kicked our cat in the hallway. So, our cat peed in his shoes and pooped in his suitcase the day he was leaving.
2. The Real Pain is Betrayal
It was after an awful spinal surgery I went through when I was 12. They were cousins, and my parents discovered them attempting to take my painkillers without permission.
3. Slice of the Month?
I was 18, living in my dad's house after he got married and moved in with his new wife. I invited a local friend to stay with me for a week, just to get out of her house. She invited another friend. No problem so far. However, I had leftover pizza in the fridge and came home one night after work looking forward to eating it. I opened the pizza box and not only was it gone, there was a used maxi pad in the box.
4. Leaving Her Mark
Not house, but an apartment in college. Roommate invited a bunch of people over one night. We each had our own bathroom, clearly marked. I venture to retrieve something from my room and hear distinct intimate noises in my bathroom. I knock on the door and say, “Wrong one, get the heck out.” After they came out, I saw that they had cleaned themselves up on my nice white towels. Apparently, she was on her period.
5. Never Finding Nemo
Back in college, my roommates and I hosted a birthday party for a mutual friend at our apartment. Earlier that day, we gifted her a pet goldfish because she had been talking about getting a fish. Fast forward to later in the night. Our male friend, let’s call him Mike, decided he needed to find a way to impress our other friend, who I’ll call Darla.
Mike tries every lame joke and pick-up line on Darla and fails time and time again. Then he sees the goldfish in his tank and scoops him up in his hand. He says, “Check this out, Darla!” He then plops the fish into his mouth and swallows it alive. My roommate and I immediately rush over and start trying to make Mike puke the fish back up.
Darla quickly makes for the door and leaves the party. Sadly, that fish met its doom in Mike’s stomach that night. He never apologized although he did complain about severe stomach issues for several days afterward. To sum up: I bought a fish for a friend, and another friend swallowed it alive at a party to impress/flirt with someone.
6. No Use Crying Over Melted Pans
I permitted a friend of mine to use my couch as a bed for a few days. However, after I had retired for the night one evening, he became very uninhibited and chose to boil some eggs. Once happily boiling, he passed out. Eventually, all the water in the pan boiled off, and the eggs fused themselves to the pan. Shortly after that, the pan itself began to melt onto the burner. I woke up to the smoke detector going off and a cloud of noxious black smoke throughout my apartment. The smell of it lasted for several months, despite my best efforts to fumigate. Good times.
7. Grand Theft Grade School
When I was in Cub Scouts, in third grade nonetheless, my mom hosted a meeting for the Scouts in my grade at school, where we built birdhouses for some badge or something. While we were waiting for everyone to arrive, me and the Scouts who had already arrived started playing in my backyard. One Scout, let's call him N, told us he had to go to the bathroom "really bad" and left.
When everyone arrives to start the project, I notice that N was sitting at the edge of the table looking down, and my mom was really angry and was trying her best to suppress it. She asked me and all the other scouts if I had given N permission to go in my room. Me and all my friends said, "No, he said he had to go to the bathroom really bad."
This response only made my mom even more visibly angry, and N ducked his head more. Five minutes later N's mom arrives and is apologizing profusely to my mom. It turns out N went into my room, pocketed the $20 I had been saving up (I got paid $2 a week for mowing the lawn as an allowance) and was stuffing my toys and video games into his backpack.
My mom went upstairs to actually use the bathroom and noticed the theft taking place and caught him red-handed. He then lied to my mom and said I gave him permission to go into my room, and he was just "checking it out." But no, my mom caught him red-handed, and my mom is scary when she's mad. In total, he attempted to illicitly acquire around $150 in game boy cartridges, Pokémon cards and toys, and roughly three months of allowance.
8. God Bless This Mess, Because I Won’t
When I was in like second grade, I invited this girl over. We made popcorn as a snack and not even five minutes later, she decided it's a good idea to run all over my house throwing it everywhere. This goes on another five minutes while I chase her down. But the damage is done. The popcorn is in between couch cushions, under the fridge, under my bed, in my laundry basket, all over the floor.
My mom ends up sitting us down and proceeds to lay it out on her, telling her that what she did was disrespectful and to help clean up. She pouted and said no, saying since it wasn't her house, so she didn't have to clean anything. She continued to pout as my mom called her mom and pretty much told her to leave and not expect to be invited back anytime soon.
I haven't communicated with her recently, but evidently, she got outlawed from the shopping centre for vandalizing a Lush store with her companion: flinging food, emptying out products, and shattering bath items...so, she seems to have remained similar.
9. Something Smells Insensitive
My sister was supposed to stay just the weekend to help after my hysterectomy. I had to kick her out after three months because it became painfully obvious that she had relapsed. The last straw was when she became upset with me and knowing that I'm allergic to perfume, she went through the entire house, spraying her perfume. I had to stay away from my own house for 24 hours.
10. Any Way You Cut It
My best mate was hooking up with the new barmaid at our local, and she got horrendously wrecked on booze at a post-pub party at my parents’ house. For some reason, she decided to take a kitchen utensil and harm her wrist. In the ensuing struggle to disarm her as she attempted to harm her other wrist, she managed to press her arm against the wall, leaving a vivid blood trail right there in the kitchen.
We then kicked her out and she gave me and my girlfriend at the time a load of flack on Facebook for being unreasonable. Believe it or not, my mate ended up dating her for about two years, and she continued to be an absolute trainwreck. When he finally got rid of her from his life, it was a really joyous moment for me and the rest of our friendship cycle.
The last I heard of her she unexpectedly inherited a few million pounds from her father who she hadn't seen since she was about 2 years old, and she's now living a few hundred miles away, breeding horses. So, when it comes to the worst houseguest, it's either her or the guy who urinated in my kettle and then boiled it.
11. Life is Not a Game
I was a kid; my mom had a friend and her son over. They were over for a couple of hours and just as they were leaving, I noticed all of my video games were gone, I told my mom, and she goes and his backpack. Of course, they were all in his bag. His mother immediately came to his defense, saying he's got a lot of games and must have thought they were his. It didn't even make sense and she acted as if nothing had happened.
12. The Best Renovations Are Consensual
She changed my bathroom mirror because they didn’t like the one that I had. It was my mother-in-law, who came to visit my then boyfriend and I. We were in a rental that had a weird little bathroom that the rest of the house made up for. But I got up in the morning and went to the gym and grabbed some food to make dinner.
When I got home, I went to shower, and she has taken down the bathroom mirror (which came with the rental!!!) and put up a new one that was really ugly and too small. I wrapped myself in a towel and switched it back. She asked me why I did that, and I told her it wasn’t my mirror and give her the other one back.
13. Dishonorably Discharged from Dinner
When my husband was in the armed forces, we invited a number of unwed individuals serving in uniform to share Thanksgiving dinner with us, preventing them from spending it alone in their dormitories. One of them was a childish private. He began the night by plopping down on the sofa to play with his Gameboy and announced that he hated turkey. He ignored everyone else for the next hour.
Alright. No problem. I made a massive dinner and there's plenty of other things to eat. When it came time to serve up the buffet, people lined up and were heaping their plates. Meanwhile, this individual kept loudly complaining that there was nothing good. Selected a few items and joined everyone at the table. He took one bite of one thing, visibly gagged and threw down his fork.
He announced that all this food was “rubbish” and left the table. He went back to the sofa with his Gameboy. Everyone blew it off and ignored him for a while. We enjoyed our meal, and people went out of their way to tell me how lovely the food was and to thank me for inviting them. People began to break up and get drinks. The music was turned up and we settled in for a nice evening.
About an hour after dinner the stinker began to whine that he was hungry. That there wasn't anything to eat. He would NOT shut up and demanded that somebody order pizza. At one point, he asked for a peanut butter sandwich. I made him one and he was upset because it was whole wheat bread, and he only liked white. After he rejected the sandwich, I didn't know what the heck to do.
I stood there gripping the bothersome object and was quite near the point of tossing it at him. Three individuals abruptly excused themselves, pulled him off the couch, and marched him outside. The servicemen returned about 15 minutes later, picked up their drinks, and carried on with the conversation as if nothing had happened. I never saw him again. And I mean ever.
He must've been banned from every social function from then on out because it's like he never existed. The sad thing is that a lot of immature kids are encouraged to join by exasperated families in an effort to “make a man out of them.” Rarely works. Thankfully, they never last.
14. Take a Hint, Snoopy
They tried to discipline my very old, very sick dog for jumping up on the couch after they had given the “jump up on the couch” signal to him. I had trained him to come by patting three times on whatever surface he was invited to, and this person kept doing the pat three times then yelling at the poor confused puppy for coming. They were trying to summon the cat, and it went as well as expected.
15. The “Boy” in “Boyfriend”
Years ago, my then-boyfriend (now ex) came over to my house unexpectedly the day of my mom's birthday. My siblings and I were busy decorating. He made himself comfortable on the couch and played on the Xbox; he was out of the way, so I ignored him. Just before she gets home, I make him turn off the console. Mom gets home, and we do the whole "Surprise!" bit.
My ex immediately—before my mom even crossed the entryway—grabbed the controller, powered up the Xbox, made a nonchalant gesture to me and commanded, "get me a drink," before he settled back down on the couch. I snatched the controller out of his hands and told him to go home.
16. Rudeness is Never Lost in Translation
My husband’s friend and her boyfriend arrived from overseas. We hadn’t met him previously. On day one the boyfriend googled “buy weed _______ (city name)”, got scammed into sending a lot of cash to Nigeria via Western Union to pay for it, then gave them our address for delivery. No package ever arrived, but law enforcement did.
On day two, he…attended to his manly needs in the shower, and his load got caught by the hair catcher in the drain, which I discovered when I cleaned the shower. I nearly vomited. On day three, the pair of them had a massive raging argument at our dinner table while the four of us were sitting down to eat. They were yelling insults at each other and trying to get us to join in and take a side.
It went on like this for about a week until my husband told them to leave. They tried to come back a few days later because they’d discovered that our country is expensive, and they’d prefer free accommodation with us. We declined.
17. Disgrace in Cyberspace
My sister’s old boyfriend from high school watched dirty videos on our family computer and ended up making it unusable because of the number of viruses it gave the computer. Lots of pictures and videos went missing and my dad’s childhood friend’s obituary too. My dad did end up getting his friend’s obituary back, but the rest of our pictures and videos were lost.
18. No One Asked for a Yelp Review
A now ex-girlfriend came into my parents’ home for only the second time and said to my mother, “Wow, it’s tidy in here for a change.” I could see in my mother's eyes the thought process of how to jolt her into the next century without causing a scene. Thankfully she laughed it off but that was a big red flag for me and my ex.
19. Can’t Count on Kin
I was hit by a car when bicycling to work one day. I ruptured a kidney, broke my jaw and six teeth, and was in general pretty banged up. My boyfriend at the time was overwhelmed by it, and he called my family for support (without me knowing, otherwise I would have told him not to). I hadn’t spoken to them in about five years at this point.
They drove 10 hours to our apartment. My boyfriend and I had arranged a suite of rooms at the beautiful hotel literally around the corner from us, but they said it would be better if the five of them slept in our one-bedroom apartment with us. Fine. I was pretty out of it from medication, etc. They had never been to my city before, so they insisted that I show them around.
I got them behind the scenes passes to tour Pixar Studios and tried to show them around as much as possible despite the fact I could barely move or walk from the pain in my kidney. After a few days, I told them I couldn’t keep going places with them. They said I was ruining their vacation. I responded that I didn’t know it was a vacation.
I assumed they visited me due to their worry about my close call with a serious accident. My mother laughed at that. I told them all to get the heck out of my apartment. On the way out, my sister took all my pain meds without permission. I didn’t realize it until several hours later when they were long gone, and I couldn’t find them to take my next dose.
I had to return to the ER, and the staff were hesitant to provide more medication as they suspected I was engaging in unlawful activity. I had to recover from serious injuries without help.
20. So It’s Not Like in Friends…
Years ago, who knows why I even allowed any of this. I lived in a large house in Hollywood, the rent was low, and I mostly lived alone, other than a two-year period when one of my best friends lived with me. I was a sitting target for people “passing through,” if you like. It was a freaking joke. Under the guise of him doing me a favor, I had one old “friend” house sit for me when I was out of town on a job.
I returned to a swimming pool full of floating newspapers, drifting garbage throughout the house. Overfull ashtrays were everywhere stinking up the house, even in my bedroom. Worst of all was he had ONE job. That was to take care of my parrot. I had a blue macaw. I discovered that the foolish individual had let my parrot fall into the pool and my poor bird nearly drowned.
I screamed at him (the friend), and he told me that I was being "very uncool.” Around the same period, another “friend” who came to roost for a few weeks asked if a friend of hers could stay for a few nights, as she was “passing through.” Predictably enough, I agreed. The “passer-through” was a “hippie” who had been spending time traveling in Central America.
One morning, I resentfully watched the tanned back of the “passer through,” a self-described free-spirit, as she sat on my white kitchen floor, gazing out into the back yard. She contemplated the back yard as she smoked her roll-up. Her sarong was pooled around her hips on the floor. When she finished her smoke, she stood up, stretched her arms and made to head off into the garden.
She had left a bloody vaginal print on the floor. I immediately pointed this out, she shrugged a languid shoulder at me, "It's just a little bit of blood." I almost threw a kitchen cloth at her head and a bottle of bleach. When she'd finished cleaning it, I kicked her out. I was once again told I was "uncool" but this time by a different person.
21. The Return of the Starter Family
She kicked in my front door at 8 am on a Saturday and asked me if I liked screwing her husband. I wasn't fully awake and was completely confused so all I came up with was "Yeah, it's fine." They had been divorced for about two years by then. Then about 1-2 years after that, an oooooold friend of my husband's stopped by.
The guy was extremely inebriated and kept loudly advising my husband to "get his family back," alluding to my husband's ex. We were married, had custody of his daughter and I was eight months pregnant with our next daughter at the time. His family was in the freaking room dude!
22. That’s One Way to Dust
I had a roommate bring people back to have a house party. Me and the other housemate were just chilling in the living room. A guy immediately steals my beers from the fridge.
23. Chew on This
I was living in a bachelor pad with a friend. We were in the process of tiling the floor, so it was mostly just concrete slab. Roommate had a mutual friend over & brought their idiot cousin. The guy proceeds to scatter chewed substance all over our floor before my roommate catches him in the act and confronts him. His dumb hillbilly response is, “It’s cement, what’s it gonna hurt?” He genuinely didn’t think he’d done anything wrong. It still infuriates me years later.
24. Fairy Godmother Wouldn’t Stand for This
I prepared a Disney-themed surprise party for a good friend of mine in my apartment. Every corner had a different Disney theme. I made almost all the decorations by hand and the result was truly amazing. I spent around three days decorating my whole apartment and preparing her favorite foods. It wasn’t supposed to be a party with a lot of people, but I invited our close friends and asked them to come without having dinner first.
Some vegetarian friends who were coming mentioned that they were bringing a friend of theirs who was vegan, so I made a big buffet including the birthday girl’s favorite foods, a few vegan dishes, a big pitcher of fresh mocktail to share, everyone’s favorite snacks including a few vegan snacks on the side...Think the big picture, a baked Brie, nice homemade hummus, cut-up fresh veggies, vegan dips made with Vegenaise, vegan macaroni salad, nachos, bread, hot spinach dip, bacon poppers, a spinach Asian salad, a huge Frozen-themed pecan cake, vegan marshmallows dipped in vegan chocolate, popcorn caramel cake pops...that didn’t even include the snacks I bought since these were all homemade.
Anyway, my friends get to my place and they are late but it’s not a big deal. The birthday girl is truly surprised. It looks magical and the food looks amazing. I invite people to start digging in right away...and no one grabs a plate except me and my boyfriend. Turns out they went out to dinner right before coming here when I specifically asked them not to.
I mention that I made a lot of vegan dishes since I knew their vegan friend that I never even met was coming... yet she doesn’t thank me or attempt to eat anything. She says, “Nah, I’m good, I ate before coming here!” The birthday girl eventually gets some stuff but mostly the snacks I bought. I tried to camouflage my tears by inciting people to play games.
We played for an hour and a half until my friend said she was tired and wanted to go home. Other people just followed behind her. Three days of decorating and cooking. Around $100 worth of food and snacks. All of this for maximum two hours. When they left, I cried so hard and my boyfriend was livid. He couldn’t believe how ungrateful my friends were.
I used to be very generous to my friends but ever since that happened, I’ve stopped making parties, dinners, and gifts. It really broke my heart and my view on our friendships has never been the same since then.
25. Pop Off
I had friends over in middle school to order food and hang out. I ordered a soda with my meal. My friend didn’t, and upon delivery, she realized the only available soda was the one I had ordered for myself. She said she always drinks soda with her food and cannot not drink soda with dinner. Instead of going to a deli to get her own, or just sucking it up, she took my ginger ale. It’s not my fault she didn’t think to order her own soda!!!
26. Tough Luck, Sweater Puppies
Kicked my dog. She was generally a horrible person, so it seemed like karma when her cosmetic implants got infected.
27. High Expectations Meet Low Means
A friend’s wife, whom I used to be close with as well, walked into our house and immediately said, “It’s not very neat in here...” while looking around. The same night, when my wife got home from work, she said to my wife “I’m starting to think that’s the only shirt you own.” It’s not that egregious on the surface, but my wife and I had just had our twins a few months prior and it was the first time seeing our adult friends, so we were still in some controlled chaos.
28. What Goes Around Comes Around
My grandmother, a generally miserable person to start with, invited herself to our house. Everyone in the house had the stomach flu, and grandma was told to stay away until we were no longer contagious. Undeterred, grandma showed up anyway and stayed in the spare bedroom downstairs. Within two days grandma had the stomach flu, complete with explosive diarrhea.
Unfortunately, before going to bed on her third night in the house, the septic system started having issues. Grandma was told that if she had to use the toilet before morning, not to flush it so as to avoid further damage to the system. The plumber would be out by 9 am. Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, I awoke to the sound of a flushing toilet and informed my parents that ol' grandma was downstairs just a flushin' away.
The cold light of day revealed that grandma had been pooping and flushing all night long, resulting in the flooding of the basement half an inch deep with viral, old-lady poop water. It has been 15 years. Grandma hasn't been back since.
29. Diamond in the Buff
Okay, so this girl that I used to be friends with about 15 years ago spent the night at my house. I thought it was going to be a good time, turns out I was wrong. So, she comes over and goes to my room. She automatically pulls open all my drawers and starts trying on all my clothes. She would comment which ones she thought were cute and which ones she thought were trash.
She threw clothes all over my room and, if that’s not bad enough, when she finished, she demanded that I pick them all up and put them away. Strike one. Dinner rolled around and she wanted this special spaghetti. My poor mother drove across town to get it for her and brought it home. We all sat down to eat and after her first bite, she said that she didn’t like it.
She set her fork on her plate and when she went to move her arm away, she hit the fork and dumped spaghetti sauce all over my mom’s white furniture. Strike two. Then we went into my room to sleep and she starts taking off her clothes—I thought she was changing—and I was like oh, okay. She climbs into my bed without any clothes on.
She’s like, “Oh yeah, this is how I sleep, so if you don’t like it you can just move to the couch.” Three strikes. THIS IS MY HOUSE THAT SHE IS SPENDING THE NIGHT AT. Long story short, I moved and slept on the couch, and she never came over again.
30. A Friend of Father’s is a Frenemy of Mine
The most unfavorable guest to ever visit my family's home was my dad's best friend. Not only did he frequently attempt to instill discipline on us (the children that weren't his), but he also insisted on cooking food that was virtually inedible (he would incinerate hotdogs and then become upset when we scraped off the charred outsides). All this while he continuously expressed, in the presence of my mother, his distaste for our behavior, as he spent time watching football games with my father. He still stays at our house occasionally. We do not enjoy him.
31. Slur and Slide
My aunt's husband finished all my spirits, soaked the bed, and regurgitated in my hallway. He isn't often indulging, but he overdid it that night. He also left skid marks on the sheets.
32. Pay It Forward Goes One Way (to Her)
My wife's friend stayed with us for a few months. A couple of years BEFORE she stayed with us, she had borrowed several hundred dollars from my wife. When my wife asked for the money back, the friend said she'd already paid us back that money by giving us gifts for Christmas. But we had an extra bedroom; we didn't want rent money; the friend had a management job in aerospace and just had bad timing when she was switching apartments.
She said she just needed a month with us to bridge the gap between her old and new apartments. After a month, she needed two more months. She never offered to pay for anything—and to be fair—we never asked. We declined to let her stay past the three months, but the kicker was that when she left, she claimed we owed her because she paid for her own part of the bill when the three of us had gone to a restaurant.
33. Brother in Lolz
My brother. I'm still unsure of what happened. He came and stayed with me during the Christmas break. There have always been issues with boundaries in our relationship—he had told me many times he still viewed me as a 12-year-old immature girl (I was in my mid-30s at this point). He moved away when he was 19, and we hadn't spent much time 20-some years since.
He's always been somewhat eccentric. He's a designer so he thought that when I was at work, he would redecorate my entire house. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset him. He thought he was helping me. A couple of days later, he destroyed a framed Edward Gorey print because of its negative energy; took an antique birdcage I had hanging with a little tin bird and at 4 am (remember, it’s bitter winter), threw it off a nearby bridge, took the tin bird and hung that with a massive fir branch on my ceiling because “no bird wants to be caged.”
I noticed these two things when I saw a giant branch hanging from my ceiling and then asked him what it was. He wanted to take a bath because his apartment didn't have a bathtub. I drove him to Walmart, where he proceeded to buy every single gallon container of Epsom salts. He was having 10 hours baths (I really wish I was exaggerating), then left salty footprints all over my house.
My partner and I still laugh about how the next year we went to Walmart at Christmas, and there was an overflow of Epsom salts boxes on the shelf. I had taken one of his prints after he had moved, and had it on my wall for over 20 years. Since then, he’d had a falling out with the person that had given it to him. He made me watch him destroy it in the alley after lecturing me about people's property (again, bad juju from another picture). We stopped talking soon after—I just couldn't take the craziness. My partner to this day says he's not welcome in our home, he can't be trusted.
34. You Almost Missed the Panty Raid
I came home early and caught him with his hands feeling around in my significant other’s drawers. He wouldn't say what he was up to, but I asked him to leave at once. Never heard from him again—we were letting him stay while he was looking for a job.
35. This House is Not a Peep Show
My partner at the time's brother spent the whole week trying to walk in on me changing or in the shower.
36. High and Hard to Believe
When I was 17, my older brother brought two of his college friends from school to stay for a weekend in the town he was raised. They went to the Citadel in Charleston, so they are "cadet-ish." Anyway, my mom caught one of them smelling my sister's stockings and underwear. My mom kind of freaked and was in semi-shock.
She came in and told my brother in front of me and the other friend. What was even more awkward is the guy tried to play it off like he thought it was MY room, and he was looking for my weed. He said he was sniffing because he could smell weed somewhere and wanted to smoke. My mom wanted so hard to believe this that she actually accused me of having weed in my room, which was upstairs.
He wasn't really that great of friends with my brother, and the guy had no idea my sister was 12. He never had met my sister. Also, I guess I had weed in my room because of them in the first place. They wanted to smoke, and I helped them find weed, even though I hardly ever smoked. My dad found out only later, and my sister thinks it’s hilarious. She’s like 24 now, and she constantly tells people this story even though she has never met this guy even to this day.
37. He Comes With the Purchase
We moved into this new house. Apparently, the people who lived there before us never told their "friend" they moved. He let himself in and went into the bathroom unnoticed. I went in there sometime later and found this random guy passed out in my new freaking bathroom. Worst first night in a new house ever.
38. Such a Thing as Too Much Gratitude From Your Guest
My ex-husband and I had a couple that we were friends with; I grew up in the same neighborhood with the husband and worked at a bar with the wife. They had met and gotten married in Vegas three weeks later, so naturally, there was a lot of buzz about their relationship, and her intentions (the guy was super sweet, and she was, well, not).
We had them over for dinner and karaoke, and the night was fun. She kept taking selfies on our disposable camera with my husband and wanting to sing duets with him, but whatever. Her husband and I finally tapped out around 2 am, and they stayed up. I woke up the next morning, and my bar room was absolutely saturated with spirits.
Clothes scattered all around, partially burned sticks, and lip prints on my large mirror. She slept with my husband while her husband and I were sleeping. The end.
39. Withdraw From My Respect
My wife’s cousin was staying at our house because he was going through marital problems. One night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I heard some change rattling. He walks down the hall with my 5-year old’s piggy bank. He was extracting funds from my daughter's cherished piggy bank to purchase alcoholic beverages and smokes.
40. Unplugged and Unhinged
Constantly unplugging electronics. First, it was the thermostat (she didn't like the sound the water heater made), then the Wi-Fi (because the CIA was snooping on her), and finally my fridge (she was saving the environment).
41. Your Casa is Their Casa
She invited a bunch of sleazy guys over, despite me asking her not to. She let them in while I was in the shower, so I did not realize they were in my house. She then took one into my housemates’ bedroom and locked the door (super disrespectful to my housemate who had so kindly offered that she could stay in her room as she was going to be at her boyfriend's for the weekend).
When I got out of the shower. one of the guys was in my bed! And I was like dude, get the heck out of my bedroom. And he refused and said my friend said he could stay there. I was very not OK with that. I physically had to push him out of my house. The next day when she sobered up, I kicked her out of my house and did not speak to her for three years.
42. At Least He’s Staying Regular…
We had friends over for my girlfriend's birthday and to celebrate moving into a new apartment together for the first time. A guy we knew from college kept taking people's beverages throughout the evening and ended up in an incoherent state due to excessive drinking. He lived a couple of hours away but was unfit to travel home, so we let him stay with us even though we already had a friend from out of town who planned to stay.
In the middle of the night, the drunkard stripped down, forced the other guest off the only air mattress and pooped himself massively. He then left fecal footprints all around the apartment, marked every doorknob with fecal hand prints including the one in the bedroom where we were sleeping, soiled our towels and some blankets with his bodily waste, and urinated in a few areas.
Oh, but it's not like he didn’t make it to the bathroom—he left a second, possibly third dump in the toilet. No flush. No apology. Just left at like 6 am, without his poopy underpants. Those he left on the ruined air mattress in a steaming heap. Needless to say, the surprise breakfast waffles for my girlfriend were not as enjoyable.
43. Future Alert of a Potential Homicidal Maniac
I was a kid, probably 9 or 10, and my mom had a friend and her son over for lunch. The kid disappeared for about 10 minutes, and at the time I thought he had gone to the bathroom because I really had to go. So when he came back I quickly maneuvered my way past him into the room before the bathroom, where we had a fish tank.
This would be completely irrelevant if the fish tank wasn’t cloudy and swirling about. At first glance, I didn't know what it was, until I noticed smashed and ripped apart pieces of little fish faces moving around in the swirl. The kid had reached into the fish tank and squeezed the ever-loving life out of every single fish in that tank.
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