October 6, 2023 | Allison Robertson

12 Most Common Reasons People Have Affairs


Love's Fatal Flaw: The Scary Reality of Affairs

devastated woman and people caught in affair on camera split imageAn affair, often referred to as infidelity or cheating, is a romantic or sexual relationship or encounter one person has outside of their committed relationship without the knowledge or consent of their partner.

Affairs can be emotional, physical, or both and can occur in various contexts, such as within marriages or among partners in non-marital relationships.

While we often think of affairs in terms of their consequences, have you ever wondered why they happen in the first place?

What is an emotional affair?

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It's pretty clear what a physical affair is, but what is an emotional affair? An emotional affair occurs when one person forms a deep emotional bond with someone other than their significant partner, leading to intimacy and closeness that typically characterizes a romantic relationship.

This type of affair is not based on sexual attraction or physical acts; instead, it revolves around shared confidences, emotional support, and personal disclosures.

Key characteristics of an emotional affair include:

  1. Secrecy: Conversations and interactions with the "friend" are often hidden from the significant partner.
  2. Increased Emotional Intimacy: The individual shares personal feelings, thoughts, and secrets with this person that they might not share with their partner.
  3. Neglect of the Primary Relationship: The individual may distance themselves emotionally from their partner, preferring to spend time or share personal details with their "friend" instead.
  4. Jealousy: The individual may feel jealous about their "friend's" other relationships or vice versa.
  5. Fantasizing: The person may daydream or fantasize about this other person regularly, imagining scenarios outside the realm of their current friendship.
  6. Defensiveness: If a partner brings up concerns or suspicions about the relationship, the individual may become defensive or dismissive.

While emotional affairs lack the physical component of traditional affairs, they can be just as damaging, if not more so, to the primary relationship. The betrayal of trust and the emotional energy diverted from the primary relationship can lead to significant rifts, hurt, and mistrust.

When do affairs most often occur?

Affairs factsShutterstock

  1. The "Seven-Year Itch": The term "seven-year itch" became popular due to the belief that married individuals might become restless or dissatisfied around the seven-year mark. While the exactness of this timeline is debated, some research supports a mid-marriage dip in relationship satisfaction. A study by Lawrence A. Kurdek published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that marital satisfaction decreases most dramatically after four years of marriage, potentially making this period ripe for vulnerability to affairs.
  2. Childbirth and Parenting: The period immediately after the birth of a child is another vulnerable time for couples. Transitioning to parenthood brings about significant change, stress, reduced intimacy, and sleep deprivation, which can strain the relationship. The U.S. General Social Survey reported that men who become fathers before the age of 25 are more likely to cheat on their partners.
  3. Middle Age: There's evidence to suggest that the "midlife crisis" can lead to infidelity. Men in their 50s particularly show higher rates of infidelity, with about 22% of married men admitting to having had an extramarital affair, according to data from the General Social Survey.
  4. Duration of the Relationship: A study published in "Archives of Sexual Behavior" found that the likelihood of engaging in infidelity increased the longer a relationship lasted. However, this risk peaked in the later stages of relationships, roughly after the 20-year mark, and then began to decrease.
  5. Modern Trends: With the rise of technology, emotional and online affairs have become more common even in the earlier stages of relationships. The ease of connecting with others on social media platforms and dating apps has blurred the lines of infidelity and made it possible for individuals to engage in affairs, even if they are not physical.

12 Most Common Reasons People Have Affairs

Affairs factsShutterstock

The reasons people engage in affairs and the impact they have on relationships can vary widely, but they often lead to feelings of betrayal, hurt, and mistrust in the affected partner.

Now, let’s find out the 12 most common reasons people might stray.

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Seeking Emotional Validation

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Some folks might feel emotionally distant from their partner, leading them to seek validation elsewhere. Emotional connections are deep-rooted needs, and when they're lacking at home, the outside world can seem like a promising place to find them.

According to a study by the Archives of Sexual Behavior, over 40% of people who had affairs cited emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason.

Craving Variety

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For some, the allure of novelty and experiencing a new connection might be tempting. This isn't just about novelty but also about the thrill and unpredictability that a new relationship can offer.

A report from Indiana University found that 17% of individuals admitted to infidelity because they wanted variety.

Desire for Attention

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Feeling ignored or undervalued in a relationship can push someone toward an affair. That craving for attention is universal, and when it's missing, the heart sometimes wanders.

An estimated 30-40% of individuals engaging in affairs report feeling neglected in their primary relationship.

Low Self-Esteem

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An affair might boost one's ego and self-worth, even if temporarily. Everyone desires to feel wanted and valued, and a new romantic interest can amplify those feelings.

Psychology Today suggests that a significant number of affairs arise from personal insecurities and a need for validation.

Opportunity & Temptation

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Sometimes, an affair might simply result from an opportunistic moment combined with weak impulse control. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, combined with vulnerable emotions, can lead to unexpected choices.

Over 20% of individuals, according to a study, cited "an opportunistic situation" as the reason for infidelity.

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Seeking An Exit

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An affair can be a way for some to signal the end of their current relationship. Instead of direct confrontation, some use affairs as a way to express their unhappiness.

A YouGov study found 15% of those having affairs did so as a means to exit a relationship.

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Lack of Intimacy

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When physical or emotional intimacy dwindles, some may seek it outside the relationship. Intimacy is a pillar of strong relationships, and its absence can make outsiders seem all the more appealing.

50% of individuals in a Men's Health survey revealed a lack of physical intimacy as a significant factor behind their infidelity.

Peer Influence

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If someone is surrounded by friends or colleagues who have affairs, they might feel it's normalized or acceptable. Social circles heavily influence our actions, sometimes more than we might like to admit.

A study in "Archives of Sexual Behavior" revealed people are 75% more likely to cheat if a close friend has done so.

Evolutionary Reasons

Affairs factsShutterstock

Some theories suggest men might be evolutionarily programmed to "spread their seed," while women seek the "best" genes. While evolution might play a role, cultural, personal, and emotional factors hold significant sway in our choices.

Evolutionary psychologists suggest that ancestral influences might play a role, though modern behaviors are multifaceted.

Revenge

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Feeling hurt or wanting to retaliate after a partner's misbehavior can lead to affairs. This tit-for-tat approach stems from pain and a desire for one's partner to feel an equivalent hurt.

According to a study, around 14% of women and 9% of men admitted to cheating as a form of revenge.

Boredom

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Feeling restless or stuck in a routine can push someone toward the excitement of an affair. When life feels too predictable, some seek unpredictability in places they shouldn't.

In a survey, nearly 10% of respondents cited sheer boredom as the primary reason for their infidelity.

Falling Out of Love

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Sadly, sometimes individuals seek affairs simply because they feel they've fallen out of love with their partner. Emotional shifts can be complex, leading individuals down paths they hadn't anticipated.

A YouGov survey found that 29% of respondents who had affairs did so because they had feelings for someone else.

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Final Thoughts

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While affairs can be heart-wrenching, understanding the underlying reasons can help in healing and prevention. Relationships are intricate dances of emotions, desires, and situations.

By fostering open communication and seeking to understand our partners (and ourselves!), we can better navigate these complexities. Love is a journey, filled with lessons. Let's learn and grow together!


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