These Jerks Had No Idea Who They Were Messing With

Unfortunately, the world is full of jerks. Horrible bosses, entitled customers, high-school bigshots, the list goes on. The kind of people who just live to make others’ lives miserable. But thankfully, there is some justice in the world. These terrible people all ended up messing with the wrong person—and the results are so, so satisfying.


#1 Safe and Secure

The downfall of one of the popular kids at my school came when he was doing substances in the school bathroom and got caught by a female security guard on his way out. Instead of just accepting his punishment, he decided to put her in a chokehold. He then was shown how huge a mistake he made when that security guard turned out to be a trained gymnast. She easily saved herself and got him thrown in jail.

andythisisyourfault

#2 Cheaters Never Prosper

I knew my ex-wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out for a dinner date and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly two months, the guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in two days…soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.

links311

#3 It’s Payback Time

My roommate in college had only child syndrome and taped a piece of paper over her clock because she didn’t want to “share it with me.” Never mind that she couldn’t see the clock herself, but she would rather no one see the clock than share the clock with my eyes. So, from then on, I would steal one sock from a set once a week.

It was slow enough that she didn’t realize it was me sabotaging her socks, but fast enough for her to be really annoyed and wondering that the heck was happening to all of her matching socks.

pleaselowertheblinds

#4 Deadly Valor

I was jumped in a Kroger parking lot late at night while I was on my way to my car. I only had one bag. But there was one thing they couldn’t have expected. I had JUST gotten out of basic training for the infantry. All that ground fighting techniques training was fresh still and I ended up breaking him with a straight arm bar. I ran like a wiener, leaving him there screaming.

Then I drove to a gas station and called the cops.

TehRealBabadook

#5 Mommy’s Silent but Deadly

Seventh-grade science class. The bully said something about a quiet kid’s mother. The quiet kid’s mom was dead. The quiet kid also apparently studied boxing. Who knew? “What did you say about my mom?” WHAM. “What did you say about my mom?” WHAM. Bully was so shocked he did nothing and took the two straight punches to his face.

I don’t think the kid got in trouble, as it happened before the teacher came in.

PrivateIsotope

#6 Blast off

Neil Armstrong’s nephew or grandson or whatever was attending Space Camp the same week I was. There were many rumors of him being a little brat. It was confirmed true that almost every day he was at risk of getting kicked out. The last day of camp Neil actually spoke to a huge crowd of space nerds, and something magical happened.

Minutes before the speech, that little brat got kicked out, publicly, in front of mostly everyone at the camp. Neil must have been so embarrassed.

GRat9717

#7 Lipstruck

A drunk guy harassed me on the subway one night on my way home. About two minutes after his last “freaking stuck up cow” to me, he fell asleep. I made sure he regretted his mistake. I took out my lipstick and drew all over his face. Then I got off and watched him snooze away as the subway pulled out. Idiot. I hope he woke up with lipstick all over his pillowcase and a ticked off wife.

RipleysButch

#8 Them’s Fighting Words

Right after suffering a miscarriage, my sister-in-law decided to tell me that I don’t know what being part of a family is like, since it was just me and my husband. She insisted that kids are what make a family and mocked me about it. I had to be dragged away by my husband because I was literally seconds away from getting violent on her.

I was so mad that I was ready and willing to go to prison over that idiot!

Lethal_bizzle94

#9 Mousing Around

I once had a colleague I hated because he was very condescending and really arrogant. So I put an extra Bluetooth receiver in his computer for a computer mouse, and kept the mouse in my drawer. I would just open my drawer and it would mess his stuff right up. Kept it going for like two months. He was about to destroy the world when I thought, “I better stop.”

permalink

#10 Good Riddance

An abusive ex told me that he would leave me if I didn’t lose ten pounds in the two weeks before his friend’s wedding. He was blown away when I said “okay” and walked away.

Valiantlycaustic

#11 Social Media Strikes Again

My friend was suing a private security company for assault. He explained that one of the security guards also threatened him with a gun. The security company’s lawyer responds that my friend must be lying, as the guards do not carry guns because they are not allowed. My friend finds the Facebook profile of one of the security guards who threatened him.

His profile picture is him mean-mugging with a glock in his hand. My friend emails this to opposing counsel with a note that says “FYI.” The security company agrees to pay an out of court settlement to my friend.

smallonion

#12 Crossing the Line

I had a lady cuss me out when I worked as a customer service manager for a big retail store. She then went on to tell me how my mom didn’t raise me right and should have done better. My mom passed on a few weeks previously, so I then told her, thanks ma’am but she did a great job and recently passed. I then immediately told her to leave or I’d call the authorities and she would be trespassing.

destoryallcubes

#13 It’s “Haw-Haw!”

Worked after school care for school-age kids. There was this one kid who was pretty obnoxious and got under everyone’s skin. One day, I see him walk into the room just needling another kid. He ends his provoking with a Nelson from The Simpsons “ha ha!”, spins around, and face plants on the ground. The kid he was provoking gave him a “ha ha!” back and walked off.

Obnoxious kid gets up, dusts himself off, and humbly slinks away and is pretty quiet for the rest of the day.

TheMadTherapist

#14 A Serious Effort at Discipline

My nephew (by marriage) is a jerk. I had to drive him once and he kept messing around with the windows, so I locked them. Then he started incessantly pushing my door lock buttons. So I stopped holding back my gas and stopped opening the windows. And let me tell ya, this was during a phase in my life where my farts smelled like I might be suffering from some sort of colonic necrosis.

He gagged and sputtered and threatened to throw up. It didn’t matter. I just kept farting. In fact, at a certain point I thought I might crap my pants. I didn’t care. I was willing to do it just to make that little bugger suffer a bit.

Take that, Evan.

TheFire_Eagle

#15 You’re Fired

I was 19 shopping with a friend. She was (still is) a smaller person than myself. She was trying on a shirt and needed a size up so i took it back out to find a bigger size. I couldn’t locate it so I ask a sales girl if she could help me find a bigger size. She takes the shirt in a gruff way. I ignore it. She comes back with a hat and hands it to me. I say, “Um what’s this?”

She said, “This is the only thing in this store that will fit you”, contempt dripping from her lips. I’m like, oh I see. I go to the dressing room, tell my friend we need to leave now. She gets dressed. Tries to clean her mess I tell her leave it. We walk out, I go to the register with the hat, it’s busy. My friend asks what’s up with the hat. I say loudly, ”

According to that girl this is the only thing in the store that fits me.” My friend, shocked, lost her mind. Because her parents owned the store. That’s how I got a girl fired because I was feeling petty. Saw that girl later that week where I worked. I smiled and showed her what customer service should be.

#16 No, I’m Closed for Business

When I worked at McDonald’s, I found out we didn’t get paid for closing. We got paid until the store closed, so if it took us an extra hour or two to close, that was unpaid. I wish I knew what I know now, because that is an open and shut case, but at the time, I was young and dumb. My first paycheck, I noticed I had a ton of missing hours.

So, when I asked my boss about it, she told me we only get paid until the store closed. So that night, I walked out when the store closed. They tried to guilt me into staying, because “the other team members need me.” Screw that. I don’t work for free, sorry. Especially when I’m already making minimum wage.

kadno

#17 He Met His Match

One kid at my school became popular only because he liked to start fights with everyone. So, most people wanted to be “friends” with him just to avoid becoming a victim. One day, he tried that routine on the wrong kid. He got beat up badly in front of everyone, to the point where he started crying. Honestly, I think it was a win for him in the long run because it gave him a pretty good wake up call.

realsoloday

#18 Hitting the Bricks

I saw a guy kick a dog…then ran full speed into a brick wall as the dog chased him.

MommaBearJam

#19 Totaled

Saw a college guy with a ridiculously expensive car, I can’t remember the model, rear-end this woman who drove an absolute beater. Her car was definitely totaled and his wasn’t looking that hot either. He got out and started screaming at this woman. She was in tears. He kept telling her that she was going to pay for this.

When the cops came, I saw each of them give their statements. After that, me and like 10 people came forward and gave our witness statements. It sounded like each and every one of us put the complete fault on him, which was the truth. When the cops went back to him, I saw his face just sink. He probably told them it was her fault and just found out that two handfuls of people just confirmed that he was a liar.

I’ve never seen that many witnesses stick around for a simple traffic accident. I think the other people felt the same way I did: that kid was a jerk and should be punished for what he did.

the_planes_walker

#20 Roasted

I once had my hands full while working in a restaurant kitchen, so I asked my boss to grab me a container as I cut into a huge roast beef for a customer with blood dripping everywhere. For some inexplicable reason, my boss felt the need to literally roll out on his chair from the office to say, “You have two arms and legs, get it yourself!”

When I said, “Excuse me?” he replied with, “Oh, you didn’t you hear me the first time?” I replied “Yes, I did,” before taking off my apron, walking away from the bloody mess, clocking out right in front of him, and walking out the door.

ladybuginawindow

#21 Park Your Bad Manners Somewhere Else

I work at a movie theater. One afternoon, I was selling tickets at the box office when an older lady came up and asked me a question about our app (it’s a Cinemark app). I, however, wasn’t sure about the answer and told her that. She proceeded to say, very rudely, “Isn’t is your job to know??? Are you stupid or something?” I was absolutely furious…but all I had to do was wait.

As soon as she was done, she turned around and noticed the mall cop was writing her a ticket for parking in a handicap spot when she did not have a handicap plate or placard. She took off running screaming, “Wait stop! That’s my car!” I couldn’t keep the huge grin off my face for the rest of the day.

raych_arles

#22 Striking First

My stepdad once spit in my mom’s face, so I shoved him. He said that he was going to come back and kill us, then ran out the door. So, I followed him, picked him up from behind, carried him off the porch, and slammed him headfirst onto the cement. I then proceeded to beat the daylights out of him. When the neighbors came out, they called the cops.

I got hauled to jail and received my first felony charge.

Bstrait-313

#23 Giving Him an Ultimatum

I was sitting in my room one day when I suddenly heard my sister screaming at her boyfriend down the hall. I walked over to discover that he had laid his hands on her while they were having a fight. I immediately went to the kitchen, grabbed the chef’s knife, turned to him, and gave him an ultimatum. I told him that he could either leave or he could die.

He left.

Deedoodleday

#24 A Pretty Embarrassing Mix-Up

I was representing a woman with a severe neck injury. Opposing counsel presented a test result that showed her cervical exam was normal. I felt almost bad when I pointed out he had the wrong cervical area in mind…

FlintBlue

#25 Working Overtime

My boss once asked me why I wasn’t doing any work. This was after working a 70-hour workweek where I took just one lunch break all week long. I was so mad and worked at a job where we always carried knives on our person. I had to throw mine across the room to stop myself from stabbing the guy with it. After that, I just picked up my bag and walked out.

This was also before my actual start time, after I had already been working almost half an hour extra and still wasn’t supposed to be starting for another half hour…

frownytheclown

#26 How About No?

I was in a wedding party and there was a brief lull in between scheduled parts and we were all just milling around waiting. The maid of honor, known for being obnoxiously bossy, starts barking out orders to every single person. As soon as she’s finished, the wedding planner who was standing behind her chimes in with ‘”Nobody do any of that” and then told us to sit tight. It was great.

larrytheliability

#27 Another Point of View

My stepmom was a jerk in high school. She always loved to tell us about how she was the popular kid back then. Then, when we went to her high school reunion, she started talking to a girl she used to make fun of as if they were good friends. The girl’s response was perfect. She just said, “You made my life a nightmare in high school. Why on Earth would I want to talk to you?”

My stepmom never bragged about her high school popularity again after that…

elpajaroquemamais

#28 Happy Wife, Happy Life

My uncle was a prominent, busy doctor. My aunt, a stay-at-home mother of two. My uncle was very rigid and authoritative, and had to have things just so: a certain breakfast at a specific time every morning, his clothes folded or hung in a particular way, a specific drink waiting for him upon his return home, and a specific dinner at a given time every night, based on a rotating menu.

This went on for decades until he eventually passed. Regardless, one night was meatloaf night, and after years of no complaints, my uncle erupts, screaming at my aunt that her meatloaf is simply garbage, how could she not be able to cook something so simple, all of this, and literally fires his full dinner plate across the room.

My aunt, his submissive, quiet, loyal servant over their then twenty or so years of marriage, simply apologizes and cleans up, promising to improve her recipe. It was only after my uncle died—they were married for 52 years—that she admitted to my mother that she’d fed him meatloaf made solely of Alpo (wet, canned dog food) for the past 30 years with nary a complaint.

Heltoupe

#29 Busted

When the pastor got to the part “or forever hold your peace,” the bride said, “Yes, I’d like to say something.” Then she turned around to her guests and said, “I’d like to thank my maid of honor for sleeping with my fiancé last night.” With that, she threw her bouquet down and stormed off. The story even made it onto local radio at the time.

PTSDPillowGuy

#30 Fly by Night

My wife stayed up late binge watching Narcos the other night and woke me up by being really loud when she came to bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep and I was super irritated about it. I mean, just be quiet when you come to bed. You don’t have to “THIS IS SPARTA!!” kick the door open, turn on both lamps and the overhead, and then come to bed.

Anyway, I’m a commercial helicopter pilot, and I had a 6 AM flight that morning. So I decided to take a short detour and flew a few laps right over our bedroom to wake her up. When I landed, I had a text from her calling me a huge jerk. Vindication feels pretty sweet y’all. Though I’d like to say, sorry neighbors.

DyslexicsOnFire

#31 Eat Your Words

A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn’t pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, “I want a PIE.”

My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.

I bought all those apple pies. I ate just one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash.

brizzenden

#32 Someone Wants a Knuckle Sandwich

I was riding the bus home from school one day. Bunch of jerks messing around in the back, throwing food and other junk. A quiet, overweight kid sat in front of them, minding his own business when one of the jerks thought it would be funny to shove an old sandwich in his face and call him fat boy. The quiet kid stood up and knocked him out in a single hit.

Then he grabbed his bag and walked up to the front of the bus and got off at his stop as if nothing happened.

TFKGreySlate

#33 Diaper up

We had a guy in our office take a dump in the bathroom every day after lunch, and it would stink up the whole office. The manager asked everyone who needed to vacate their bowels to please use the lobby bathroom since our office was small and we only had the one bathroom. He didn’t listen. Fortunately, he was like clockwork, so five minutes before he went in, I took all the toilet paper.

That’s right. I forced the man to live with a dirty butt.

Link-to-the-Pastiche

#34 Don’t Stop Believing

My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!

Even more pissed, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket, and was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.

PatientBear1

#35 Your Cheating Heart

My ex cheated on me with a married man. She now lives with him. She is a jerk, but I got the last laugh. You see, I still have the login for her DVR. I logged in, erased all her shows, then recorded only the show Cheaters. Petty, but it makes me laugh.

redman2532

#36 The Assassin

I tried to poison my mom’s boyfriend. I was probably around 11 years old. I had one of those science kits from the Scholastic book fair. I took the citric acid and dumped the whole container into his drink. He sipped it and just said, “this tastes like trash” and dumped it out.

Zipperpants

#37 The Ties That Bind Us

I created a binder for a hotel that my company owns and filled it with forms and templates. I highlighted and wrote clear explanations of everything on each page. About a month later, I go over to the property to assist with some things, and the GM brings out the binder and says, “yeah, I just put this together as a tool for us here.”

I immediately tell him, “No, you didn’t. I made that and gave it to you.” His face went white as he tried to recover by saying, “Well, I added a few things.” He didn’t. I definitely loved the faces of my colleagues when I went back to the office and told them all about it!

genericname400

#38 Spinning Out of Control

I hit my girlfriend in the forehead with a spinning fidget spinner. She chased me, I jumped on my bed, and my ceiling fan smacked the living snot out of me. She was on the floor laughing for a solid five minutes. I am a firm believer in karma now…or maybe just idiocy on my part.

insurance_novice

#39 Vengeance With a Bow on Top

Crossing at a busy downtown intersection, a very impatient driver waiting to make a turn honked at a lady pushing a stroller. Despite his jerk move, she actually had the right of way. I slowed down as I was walking, but the guy next to me straight-up went ahead, stopped in front of the car, then bent down to re-tie his shoelaces.

sorakoi

#40 With Great Age Comes Great Flexing

My greatest moment was watching my 72-year-old father beat the heck out of a guy who tried to steal my mom’s purse.

TaloneyeMan

#41 Revenge Burns Carbs

In seventh grade, my friend was self-conscious about his weight. One day at lunch, I was watching him and another friend chasing each other. The one friend said, “You can’t catch me fatty!” And the next thing I knew, there was a loud SMACK and the kid was on the grass with a bloody nose.

Qwertyuiopslad

#42 Soda Surprise

Back in the early 90s, supermarket cashiers had to type every price in by hand. I was at a Vons in San Diego, walking toward the only open check stand with a single bottle of soda in my hand. Suddenly this hoity-toity lady with a cart stacked to the top flew out of one of the aisles like a freight train and cut me off.

“I’m in a hurry,” she said, then looked away like she was annoyed that I’d been born. I looked at the cashier. He rolled his eyes and got to work. Five minutes later, she’s walking out the door and it’s my turn. “You’re good,” says the cashier. “I put your soda on her tag.” Darn, that felt really good. Never forgot it.

Irishzombieman

#43 Not in My House

I’m a small-time landlord. When I was just getting into things, I made some bad mistakes. The neighbor of one of my properties is a very friendly guy and when I was doing renovations would constantly pop over to chat. It turns out his son and his girlfriend are looking for a place to live. Great! Saves me the trouble of having to hunt down a renter, I thought. I run a background check and there are some red flags but nothing they can’t plausibly explain. I let them rent my property. Big. Mistake. 

They never paid their rent on time and towards the end didn’t pay up at all. They trashed the house. They ground cigarette butts into the carpet and etched the word “Booty” on the side of the tub. I ended up evicting them and getting a judgment against them. I figured I’d never collect and never hear from them.

Fast forward two years. The house is empty. I just had a tenant leave and I was about to start doing turnover. My phone goes off one day. It’s my former tenant. His girlfriend left him, he’s back living at home and he really wants a place to stay. “Not on your life.” God, that felt so good.

Sunny_Psy_Op

#44 An Unexpected Journey

When I was a kid, my younger brother and I would go for extra Mandarin lessons after school. Then we’d take the bus back. He would never press the bell for the bus to stop because he knew I’d freak out and press the bell rather than miss the stop. So, one day when he was sitting on the bus, but a row in front of me, I made sure to get off the stop before ours.

I laughed my butt off when I saw the bus miss not just our stop but disappear into the distance. Petty? Sure.

permalink

#45 I Walk the Line

I was 18 years old and working at a movie theater concession stand on an extra busy day. My coworkers made themselves busy doing things that didn’t need to be done (like checking toilet paper or organizing candy) instead of helping me with a long line of customers that wrapped itself around the entire stand. One lady got extremely nasty with me because I didn’t butter the middle of her popcorn the way she had wanted me to. She was literally screaming at me for it.

I looked around and saw one of my coworkers just watching me and laughing as they pretended to clean the ticket booth window. That was the final straw. I logged out of the computer system, closed the cash register, walked out of the concession stand, slammed the door behind me, told the customer she was a jerk who didn’t need more butter, told my coworker to go screw himself, and walked right out of the theater—leaving the long and very confused line of customers completely unattended.

I never went back despite the fact that they were apparently willing to forgive me because this “wasn’t my usual behavior.”

Permalink

#46 What If That Was a Lie?

At my first jury trial, I’m cross-examining the alleged victim, and in answering my question she says, “Oh yeah, I lie all the time!” Needless to say, I won that trial.

captroper

#47 No Holds Barred

Stated dating a girl a few months back and her ex was being just a huge jerk to her, threatening to fight me if he saw me, trying to start rumors, etc…Went out for drinks with the girlfriend and, of course, he shows up. Starts to get in my face at the bar and gets kicked out. Rushes the door guy to get back in and is carried out and banned from that bar for life.

Then I had another genius thought…what if I could do this at the bar next door..? (It’s a smallish town. There are really only two bars worth going to for nightlife, and they’re right next door to each other). So, we go next door. He’s waiting outside for me but there’s the usual “don’t do it bro!” friends around him so I make it next door without having to fight. Of course, he comes in, starts his act and actually tries to fight me this time.

He gets pulled off by a few people and is also kicked out of that bar for at least a while. Fight with your brain, not your fists.

emartinoo

#48 Not a Good Place to Lie About Your Priors

My sister got T-boned by a car, causing a concussion, when I was younger. Long story short, we were in court with the judge, who asked the driver if he had ever sped before. “No, your honor, I never speed” was his reply. The judge asked him a couple more times if he was sure, if he never sped. Ever? The driver was adamant that he never sped and never had before.

A few minutes later, my sister’s lawyer gave the judge some paperwork. She read it, and said to the driver, “It seems that you have some past driving violations. Can you tell me what they are for?” He looked down, “………… speeding.” The driver had to pay medical bills for my sister.

JugglingBear

#49 Too Little, Too Late

I was working as a general manager at a struggling restaurant—struggling despite excellent business, because the owners would do stupid things like take trips to Italy on the company dime to source the “perfect” panini press. They also wouldn’t staff properly; I was the only waiter ever there, open to close, six days a week, on top of handling phone orders, inventory, and other managerial duties. I was wildly overworked, but I sucked it up because the base pay was good, plus tips.

However, to fund their lavish “business” trips, costs had to be cut at the store. They decided to do this by bumping me down to minimum wage for tipped employees—effectively cutting my salary to 1/10 of its previous level. They were also too chicken to tell me until I got my new teeny paycheck and questioned the mistake. “Oh yeah haha, forgot to mention that blah blah cost-cutting blah valued team member please work with us through this difficult time.”

I had worked for two weeks at this new lower rate without my knowledge. Pretty sure that’s illegal, but hey, a lot of illegal things go on in the restaurant industry. That’s not when I rage quit, though….a couple of hours later, I’m fuming and have decided that I can’t work for the lower rate, so now I’m just waiting for the perfect chance to give my notice.

They called in a delivery guy who was fired a few weeks before, and they talk about hiring him to start doing our Facebook posts and handing out flyers around town. Whatever. Then I hear them offer him close to my old salary as “Promotions Manager”! What??? I was basically running the place for $2.13/hr and you’re offering this dude almost $20/hr to walk up and down the street saying “Eat at (Name)”?

And yet, it gets worse. They bring up our negative Yelp reviews and this guy suggests asking friends to post positive ones. The boss starts laughing and says “Better not ask our waitress to post one, it’ll be all boohoo don’t eat there, I can’t pay my rent this month because they cut my pay without telling wahhhh!” I don’t think I was supposed to hear that, but I was five feet away, so of course I did.

I RAGED! I quit on the spot, told them to screw their job, and wished them good luck keeping the place open without me. They quickly realized I was right, as neither of them knew how to do more than pick up the takings once a week. They begged me not to quit. They were so desperate that they sat there for half an hour and allowed me to bluntly tell them exactly what kind of huge idiots I thought they were in excruciating detail.

I went on and on as my rage burned, and they just quietly listened, nodding and apologizing. Once I had cursed myself back into calmness, I walked out, 30 minutes before the dinner rush began, leaving them with an unstaffed floor and no clue how to even open the cash register. God, they were morons. I loved that they actually listened to me telling them exactly how stupid they were. No repercussions on my side, as the restaurant industry isn’t known for checking references.

The place closed down about 18 months later, and I was surprised it even made it that long.

KnickersUpKettleOn

#50 Never a Bright Idea to Assume

I’m a lawyer. Opposing counsel decided that I had coached my witness, gave him lines to repeat, and that he was lying. Short version is that he asked the witness if he spoke to me before he testified. Witness said he had. Attorney looked like he thought he had me. Attorney asked the witness what I told him, what instructions I gave him.

Witness looked him dead in the eye and said, “First thing he told me was to tell the truth no matter what. He said the lawyer is never the one who goes to jail, that he isn’t going to jail for me, and if I lie, I’m on my own.” Attorney looked like someone took the air out of him. Everyone in the courtroom simultaneously looked at me.

Only time I’ve smirked or laughed in court. I wanted to put my feet up on the table like I was Vincent LaGuardia Gambini, hands behind my head, and say, “I’m done with this guy.”

Reptar4President

#51 Vengeance Is Theirs

The popular kid at my old high school also happened to be a pretty vicious person towards a lot of the other kids in our classes. After several years of torment, the kids that he picked on finally decided they had taken enough grief and wanted to get their revenge against him, no matter the cost. So, they teamed up and beat him up. But they took it way, way too far.

They pummelled him with as much force as they could collectively muster. The guy later passed from his injuries.

Sh0ckWav3_

#52 Clocked on the Dock

I was waiting to put in at a boat ramp in Florida one day. It was a single ramp, the guy trying to take his boat out of the water was having a tough time backing his trailer down. His wife (I assume) and two kids were waiting on the dock. Some jerk waiting to get out of the water starts screaming at him and heckling him. The first guy finally gets his trailer down the ramp, meanwhile, raging jerk had docked his boat and started up the dock towards the poor boating newbie family guy screaming and yelling.

Then the raging jerk finally just loses it. He punches family guy and knocks him off the dock into the water. Two burly dudes who nobody was really paying attention to walk up, literally grab raging jerk as family guy was falling in the water, throw him on the dock and handcuff him, then flashed their FL DNR badges. They were undercover watching the boat ramp. There was applause and cheering from the folks waiting to put in and take out.

Family guy just wants to get out there and go home, so he declines to press charges. The DNR guys apparently thought “aw heck no,” proceed to tear the guy’s boat and car apart and ended charging him with a BUI and every single nitpicky thing they could find wrong his boat. It was a good day.

Dr_StrangeloveGA

#53 Sounds Like You Quit Two Jobs!

My old boss was a jerk who liked to rip off old ladies and low-income families. I got in trouble for doing my job right because it made him look bad. He expected me to do my job and his. So, one day, while he was yelling at me for some nonsense, I abruptly removed my work shirt, threw it in his face, and walked off the job.

The fallout was that I now had no job in a city I had just moved to a few months earlier, but knowing that I had just screwed this guy over made it all worth it.

AnarchistBusinessMan

#54 Penny for Your Thoughts

I used to deliver pizza for Dominos. It was my last shift and there was this house that was always rude. For example, I called to asked what the house looked like and they said “I gave you the address” and hung up on me. They also never tipped. Well, I got to their house and they gave me a check for one cent less than what the total was.

I said, “I am going to need the extra penny.” They grumbled off and took their time, hoping I would give up, but I just sat there holding the pizza. They finally came back all ticked off and gave me the penny. No tip. This time I came up with an ingenious plan. When they gave me the penny, I chucked it out into the street and left. They saw me do it. It was SATISFYING.

Whosyabobby

#55 Silence Speaks Volumes

In high school bio, we had to get in groups and create a Bill Nye style informative video. My group was done recording and I just had to do the editing with all the transitions, effects, titles, etc. And anyone who has ever done any type of movie or trailer knows that post-production is twice the time and effort as shooting.

There I am just finished and submitted onto YouTube and this guy who’s been calling me names all year comes up to me and asks, “Hey man can you do my video editing because I don’t how to do it?” I told him no and then he proceeded to offer me $5 for a week’s worth of headaches and work. I just walked off with saying anything. A satisfying silence ensued.

abdullahcfix

#56 Cheaters Never Prosper

I knew a crazy kid in elementary school. Kid jumped across the table and tried to choke me out. I instigated it by saying he was “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” since that was the only thing that kid ever talked about and he was wearing a cocoa puffs shirt that day. Senior year of high school, turns out that kid was in my Design class.

I needed to get a C or better on the final. Over the year, I found out the kid was taking my work off my share drive and copying it. For the final, I purposely screwed up the drawing in my folder, but the kid didn’t double-check it. He turned it in and failed and had to go back and be a super senior.

XIGRIMxREAPERIX

#57 Messed With the Wrong…Llama?!

I used to be a zookeeper. This obnoxious woman was making fun of our llama for looking ugly. The llama was a rescue who had just had corrective jaw surgery. The woman pointed and laughed at our llama. The llama spat directly into her mouth. I gave the llama a treat and told her that she was a good girl.

MyNameIsNotRyn

#58 Work to Rule

A woman in my town is a Principal at a local elementary school. She is in her mid-70s (at least). I asked someone why she doesn’t retire, and they explained that she and her spouse went through a very contentious divorce about 15 years ago and she has to give him a portion of her retirement, so she has decided to NEVER retire so he gets nothing ever!

Gertrude907

#59 A Hairy Situation

Okay, this one is pretty gross. Growing up in a house of only girls, personal space does not exist even a little bit. We used to bathe in front of each other, and even use the bathroom in front of each other. There are no boundaries, nothing was off limits.  Even so, my younger sister was NOTORIOUS for shaving “down there” in the tub.

She was also notorious for not rinsing it out when she was done. Pubes. Everywhere. One day, she was taking a bath and I asked her to rinse when she was done, because I planned on taking a bath afterwards. She told me to screw off. So, I reached in my pants, snipped off a chunk of pubes, tossed them in the tub with her, and walked out.

hollypopasaurus

#60 Mouthing off to an Inventor

A customer of mine asked me a question. I answered the question, and it wasn’t the answer they wanted. They suggested something impossible for the machine process. I explained why it wouldn’t work and again explained the proper way to do it. They then replied, “What makes you the expert?” all snarky and indignant.

To which I replied, “Take a look at Patent Number #xxxxxxxx. It lists me as the inventor.”

Sxty8

#61 When Your Choice in Music Is Too Cool

I was at a party filled with people in boring IT jobs, myself included. People in those parties had this tendency to showcase how insanely cool their life was. This one guy (long hair, beard, tattoo) decided to have an argument with me and started telling me that my taste in music sucks and that I should start listening to some of the non-mainstream stuff.

When I asked him to name a few artists, he mentioned a few names. I told him to look up the guitar player for one of those bands he mentioned. When he did, he was shocked. That guitar player was me.

diablo681

#62 Pray for Her

I ran into our local vet and her very religious younger sister. As the vet and I talked, her sister looked out into the store parking lot and saw an older man staggering to his truck. The little sister said, very primly, “There but for the grace of God go I.” I said, “Actually, he is a very well-respected man.” She replied, “He is obviously drunk before noon.”

My next words totally crushed her. “No,” I said, “He has MS. He’s my father, and your sister’s pastor.” Big sister just looked embarrassed.

Deejaydoug

#63 Turning the Tables

The popular kid at my school’s life changed when I made him cry. He had been being mean to me at school every single day for nearly three years. He mainly fought me about the two things that I had no control over, specifically my family’s poverty and my physical appearance. I badly needed braces, but my family could not afford them.

Anyway, after several years of this kind of daily torment, I finally decided that I’d had enough. I had somehow discovered that the kid was adopted, so I decided to use that information against him. I told him, in front of all our classmates, that his real parents probably wanted no part in his life because they could tell that he was going to grow up to be nothing but a piece of garbage.

I got in big trouble for making that comment, but it was completely worth it just to be able to see him cry for once. He left me alone after that.

SundayMorningTrisha

#64 Teaching Him a Real Lesson

I know a big, popular high school mean kid who thought it would be funny to punch this male teacher in the back of the head when he was walking by in front of him. He picked the WRONG teacher. The teacher instinctively reacted and punched the guy back. The student went down hard. He got suspended and nothing else happened to him or the teacher. But this isn’t the end of the story. 

About eight years later, the student came back to the high school and asked to speak with that teacher. He actually THANKED the teacher for what happened that day. The guy said to the teacher that his punch completely changed the course of his life. He had been running with a rough crowd and thought he was big and bad.

He had thought nothing of beating people up. But after the incident and getting punched by the teacher, he realized that he underestimated how quickly things can change when you go up against the wrong guy. He completely changed how he approached the world, got out of trouble, got a good job, and was about to get married. And he credits that incident with changing the course of his life: punching the wrong person.

Krissyeeen

#65 Spew Your Heart Out

Guy spewed vomit all over the floor in the bathroom at a bar. As I left the bathroom, a big muscly guy in overalls (no undershirt) was coming in. I tried to get his attention and stop him, but he just shouldered me out of the way. He slipped on said vomit and swore as he fell. As he put his hand down to lift himself up, he yelled a much louder as he realized the vomitus was all over himself.

jlamer

#66 Mama Bear

At a concert my mom accidentally stepped on a lady’s foot, and she said sorry multiple times, but the lady very drunk wouldn’t let it go and started a fight with my mom. Very bad idea, my mom’s ex-MMA. Straight knockout. My mom met that lady again a year ago at an event for her work, and apparently, the lady stopped drinking from what happened that night, being told by her friends she wouldn’t leave my mom alone even after countless times of apologizing.

Maybe it was good karma?

Armageddon-King

#67 Good Godiva, Man

My wife used to keep these little Godiva chocolates that she likes in her desk at work, but started noticing some of them missing and figured it must be someone from the overnight cleaning staff taking them. Fed up with losing her not-inexpensive treats, she decided to get revenge on the choco-thief in question.

My wife replaced the good chocolate with these little squares of chocolate laxatives that look just like real candies. The next morning, she saw several of the laxatives were gone. Mission accomplished. From that day forward, she was never missing another one of her good chocolates ever again. I imagine the toilet trouble was a lesson learned.

VictorBlimpmuscle

#68 Kiss Off

When I was in the seventh grade, the start-up my dad was a part of was failing miserably in no small part due to a straight-up crazy CEO. While at the CEO’s house, my dad observed the CEO’s toddler daughter picking up a piece of dog poop and licking it. So he picked her up and told her to give her dad a big kiss.

cubansquare

#69 It’s All About Who You Know

I work for an anime convention. There is an incredible amount of drama that goes around; it is insane. A couple of years ago, I happen to be waiting for an elevator with two girls who are talking about my convention’s future. It’s Sunday; it could be a ten- or fifteen-minute wait. And one of them says, “Oh my god, I am soooo glad [convention] is moving back to the Hyatt next year!” We weren’t. It wasn’t big enough to hold us anymore. And it’s always better to quash rumors before they have a chance to circulate too much.

I politely say, “Actually, it’s going to be here again.” I get these obnoxious, know-it-all looks from both of them. One of them goes, “No, it’s not; I heard it from my friend on Security.” Now it’s a “I know someone!” game. But my boss is the owner of the convention – I know where it will be held. But I don’t want to pull the “I know someone higher up than you” card; that’s petty.

Instead I say, “Why don’t you email in and settle this for us?” We’ve got the time, so she pulls out her phone, goes to our website, finds the contact page, and starts typing out an email. She hits send. A few seconds later, my phone beeps. I’ve got a new email! I open it, it’s clearly from her. It says, “[Convention] is moving back to the Hyatt next year, right?”

I type back, “No,” and hit send. Most satisfying ‘No’ by a long shot.

heartbreakcity

#70 The Missing Piece

My roommate and her significant other loved doing elaborate jigsaw puzzles. After I found out she canceled our lease, leaving me one week to find a new place to live, I threw away 1 piece of two different puzzles they were working on. Before you ask, she was able to do this because I was 17, and not able to legally sign a lease.

stanciat

#71 Nothing Like the New Year for a New You

There was this guy who was part of our group in college. He was a jerk, but he was my friend’s brother, so he hung out with us a lot. Whenever he would get drunk, he would try to pick fights. We would just shake it off and ignore him. One of the guys hosted a pretty big NYE party. As it goes, this dude got drunk and tried to pick fights again.

People were getting uncomfortable. There was one guy at the party who was about 6’4” tall and built like a tank who was just not having it. He waited to be confronted and then immediately carried the guy outside and threw him down on a stair and broke his leg. He stopped picking fights after that.

PhreedomPhighter

#72 Not Every Story is David and Goliath

Jerk bully screwed with a younger kid in high school who was super nice and a really good friend of mine. I didn’t like it, so I got in the bully’s face and told him I’d kick his butt. Well, we went at it and I absolutely got the snot kicked out of me. Guy knew judo or something. Yeah, I messed with the wrong person. That said, I’d do it again.

usernamesarehard1979

#73 Violence is the Universal Language

So, in my university, people hazed freshmen in all kinds of crazy ways. It was out of control for a period. Then one of the freshmen was a quiet, small, constantly smiling guy who was from a rural area on the India-China border, from a village where they had only three hours of electricity a day. He didn’t speak much English or Hindi.

One of the seniors targeted him and slapped him or something. Guy took it all smilingly. Then in the dead of the night, he waited till when the senior was all alone outside. Then dragged him into the woods and beat the snot out of him. No one messed with him after that.

sensitiveinfomax

#74 To the Drum of the Beating

There was this guy who played drums all the time in Hawaii on the city strip. Nice guy; never chatted much except for a wave and to throw him a few dollars. Some drunk tourist decided it would be fun to mess with his drums. Guy gave him so many chances to walk away. Drunk tourist winds up for a punch, and the dude just knocked him out in one punch.

I just stood there, and my buddy had the presence of mind to tell the guy to pack his stuff and leave before the cops come. Guy was pretty messed up, and we helped him till the ambulance came. I’m pretty sure with the way that his jaw looked, it wouldn’t be a short recovery.

Fallout541

#75 Be Courteous to Everyone

I used to work in an air traffic control tower. We would fairly often have new pilots visit and see the airport and what happens from the air traffic control side of things. I was on a break when a particular pilot was visiting, and I was the only female air traffic controller in that workplace. The visiting pilot finishes his cup of coffee, hands me his mug and says, “Wash that would you, love.”

By the time he’d returned to his aircraft, my break was over. He, unfortunately, found himself at the back of a rather long departure queue. I wanted him to have some time listening to the frequency and absorbing the fact that if a woman is in a professional environment, she’s probably not the freaking tea lady.

Likealittleteapot

#76 This Lady’s Common Sense Went AWOL

A woman at a snooty scholarship dinner was telling me how she was doing the “boot camp”-type workouts and how they are EXACTLY like what they do in the US army and just as difficult. I was fine with her thinking that, but I mentioned it’s easy to workout hard for one hour and then go home to a warm house.

She asked, “What do you even know about it, did you get second-hand info from your boyfriend?” I asked her to open her event program. When she flipped to the first page, her mouth dropped open. I was actually the key speaker on female veteran experiences, and my topic was “lack of visibility of the female veteran.”

Mjrfrankburns

#77 Mind Games

My old boss tried firing me because I was better than them at their job. I tricked them into saying it out loud, in front of the CEO. Let’s just say they don’t need to worry about me being better than them anymore.

UrMamFat

#78 You Can’t Hide Your Lying Eyes

I work at a daycare. If a child is sick they will be sent home cause we don’t want to risk infecting the whole class. A lot parents don’t agree with this policy, which leads to parents arguing with us that their kid isn’t sick when they obviously are. So one time this happened was when a mother dropped her little boy off in an eye patch.

Yep, the toddler was wearing a darn eye patch. I ask what happened and she says he hit his eye or something. Which I didn’t really believe. She says whatever I do, don’t take off his eye patch. So I knew what I had to do. I pick him up and immediately lift up his eye patch. When I saw his face, I almost dropped him in horror. The worst case of pink eye I’ve ever seen.

She was sooooo mad at me for doing that. And she was shocked I did it. That kid did NOT go to daycare that day.

mommysababy

#79 Brew This Bitterness

Last week, my youngest daughter had her last day of preschool. Between my two girls, we’ve been associated with this school for almost ten years. My wife and I wanted to do something nice for them so we offered to buy them Starbucks. As I’m about to enter the Starbucks’ parking lot, a guy runs a stop sign, narrowly missing me. He pulls in, I pull in next to him.

I hurriedly scramble out of my car to beat him to the line. It was fun listening to them call my name for all 15 drinks before that guy got his.

BigRedRN

#80 Cycle of Getting Yours

I remember once walking home from school, and this kid from my school rode up to me on his bike and started being a total jerk me, trying to run me over and stuff like that. Next thing, not looking where he was going the kid runs over a rock, falls off his bike and smashes himself on the concrete. He was laying there crying and asking for help and I just kept walking. I regret nothing.

PMMEURINSIDES

#81 And That’s the Tea

My wife is very, very picky about the mugs she has for different hot drinks: Tall mugs for coffee, wide mugs for tea, dainty cups for fruit teas. When she’s being irritating and asks for a cup of tea from me, she gets a very plain, boring builder’s mug, and I delight at the mild irritation it brings. My revenge truly knows no limits.

SailingOnFishlessSea

#82 Falling Flat

Someone in my office would always crush lunches with his gigantic freaking lunch box. Either he ate bricks or lead, I don’t know, but I always came to the office fridge and found that my lunch was in pieces. So, after three bouts of this and numerous notes from myself and other colleagues, I carefully removed his lunch box.

I emptied the contents of the lunch box. Then I ran over them with my car. Just completely flattened it all. But that’s not even the best part. I then carefully packed it back into his lunch box, and put it back for him to find. I felt bad at first, but it was well worth the effort. He kept his lunch in a cooler by his cube from then on.

AR3Leatherworks

#83 Keep Your Friends Close…

A girl on my softball team antagonized me and spread rumors about me to the team and coaches. We were competing for the same position. She was in my geometry class and tried to buddy up to me because I was good at geometry, and she wasn’t. So for a while, I let her copy my homework, then one day I gave her all the wrong answers and turned in the right answers for myself.

45MinutesOfRoad

#84 Surprise Ending

My neighbor’s dog poops in our yard all of the time. It wouldn’t be a big deal, except he never cleans up after her. I finally had enough, so I decided to go with a classic. I put a flaming bag of his dog’s poop on his porch, rang the bell, and hid in the bushes. When he answered the door, I finally got my revenge by having an affair with his wife for the last three and a half years.

Permalink

#85 Falling for You

I used to deliver pizza, and one time I had a delivery to a brownstone house with a small stoop. It was either Christmas or Thanksgiving week and we had snow/ice a couple of days beforehand. Well, I pull up, and there must have been some sort of family gathering at the house because there were a handful of people outside talking.

When I get out of the car, one of the people on the porch opened the door and yelled into whoever was supposed to come out and pay for the food. The woman came to the door as I was walking up the sidewalk. I was carrying a cut pie with a couple of bags filled with wings or whatever inside. I had a decent amount of food in my hands.

But as I was walking, I slipped on ice and fell onto the sidewalk while everyone was watching. The massive pizza fell facedown, box open, onto the icy sidewalk to the horror of the hungry onlookers. I remember being on the ground, in the process of getting up, picking the pizza up off the ground, and hearing this woman screaming at me.

She was so mad that I dropped her food. She didn’t offer to help me up, she didn’t ask if I was ok, she didn’t apologize for having ice on her sidewalk, she just flipped out on me. So now I’m standing there with a mutilated pizza hearing this old woman ream me out in front of her family. I apologized as soon as I fell, but she didn’t care. For at least 20-30 seconds she went in on me for dropping the pizza.

So I threw the pizza at her feet onto her porch and got into my car and left. I took her chicken wings with me so I had some sort of proof that I didn’t deliver the food and I didn’t get paid for it. I have a lot of stories from delivering, for some reason, this stuck with me for like ten years now.

TConzz22

#86 Out to Lunch

When we fell on some hard times many years ago, my wife took a pretty shady job at a local factory. The first two weeks she was there, she had her lunch stolen at least five or six times. Even open drinks. I was pretty pissed. I would often grill for her or make her lunch, yet she was going hungry. One night, I bought a big Gatorade and mixed in a box of women’s laxatives, both red in color. We found out who the thief was.

TheToenailCollector

#87 Hunting for Problems

My brother started to think his wife was cheating on him since a lot of sketchy stuff was going on. So, we made a plan: We told her we were going on a hunting trip—but really, we were laying an ingenious trap. We never actually left town and holed up at my house.

We drove to his place after dark and caught her red-handed. My brother was mad with rage and wanted to go in there and beat the guy to a pulp—but I convinced him there was a better option that would really nail them. So we snuck up to the house and using the night vision camera got video of them bumping uglies in the living room.

Then I called the cops. I said I heard a lot of yelling from the house and asked if they could go check. Cops show up, take statements. We leave and the next day he pulls her iMessages off the email account and talks to a lawyer. We give the lawyer the messages and when we show up five days later from our “hunting trip,” he calls her and says he got something wild and wants her to come out and see it.

When she comes out he gives her divorce papers and kicks her out of the house. House was his before they got married so all she got to keep was some stuff they bought together and her car. No kids and the prenup nullified the alimony she could have gotten as he made way more money than her.

The guy she was sleeping with had a record. We saw her a few months later, she tried talking to my wife and said she missed my brother and she was sorry, the guy and her broke up shortly after the divorce.

Goomba87

#88 Rock Solid Response

When we were kids, we stayed at the seaside on holiday with our family. My little sister would always make a pretty sandcastle, and the next day it would have been kicked down and she’d cry. We wanted to find out who was doing it, so one day we stayed behind to spy. We watched as a bunch of jerk older boys came by and kicked her castle down, laughing smugly.

So the next night, we covered a big beach rock in sand and decorated it. Like clockwork, the jerk kids came with their smug faces and this time kicked a solid rock with all of their might. The yowl and the look on their faces was the best revenge ever.

AmyDiaz99

#89 Stick Out for the Little Guy

I went to my community college for my BTEC (that’s a bit like an Associate’s Degree) and there were a few mature students in my class. There was one guy named Dave. Dave was the kind of guy that was so big he loomed. He was also a super nice guy, and I helped him out with his coursework because he was trying to get into the IT industry.

Well, at the time I was this skinny runt of a 17-year-old, and one day I’m minding my own business and some other student starts trying to push me around. All of a sudden, a shadow appears between the two of us. Dave just taps him on the shoulder: “No, you don’t touch him. He’s my friend. You understand?” I never had any trouble again.

Gotta say, every skinny nerd needs a friend like Dave.

zerbey

#90 Face the Facts

In fifth grade, this dude who always picked on me was kicking my seat in an assembly, and I was having a terrible week, and this was my last straw. I turned and punched him in the face, but I wasn’t satisfied with the first punch because it felt weak. I figured I’m already going to be in trouble, so I went back for a second, better punch—one that felt worth getting in trouble over.

The funny part? The assembly was about not using violence to solve problems.

BigBacon31

#91 Don’t Become an Example to Your Fiendish Friends

I was being bullied for like a month when I was 13 or 14. Some guy from my class started messing with me (pushing, hair grabbing, neck slapping, stuff like that), and I didn’t know how to handle it. One of his friends from another class, a guy I had never spoken to before, tried it once and I instinctively punched him in the face. The bullying stopped.

If that random guy didn’t do what he did, I don’t know how I would have put an end to it, to be honest.

I_hate_traveling

#92 Some Actions Won’t Be Lost in Translation

My bully decided to sit next to me in class, repeatedly whispered insults to me, so at one point I snapped, took his head, and bashed it into the desk. I think I would have been in deep trouble had his textbook not been there. Needless to say, I got kicked out of that class and had to change English classes.

Rubdub_Jubjub

#93 Walking on Sunshine

My older brother once threw me into the ceiling and let me drop to the floor. So, for the next year or so, I would always wait until he would leave the room, and then I would go into his closet and pee in his shoes. I didn’t tell him for around 20 years. When I finally did, he said “You little jerk! I could never figure out why my feet always smelled so bad!”

waxaholic

#94 Wake-Up Wars

One time my sister wouldn’t stop waking me up early on the weekends for no reason for like three months straight. I finally had enough, and started waking her up on weeknights, so at like 3 am on school nights. Every time she would start to fall back asleep, I’d wake her up again. After two weeks she told me that if I didn’t stop, she’d tell mom.

I went, “Then I’ll tell her about the weekends.” We both stopped after that but MAN was she angry.

itsamehunny

#95 No Thanks

I had a client freak out on us and harass us with phone calls every few minutes because we couldn’t accommodate her insane needs. But guess what? We don’t abide by “The customer is always right.” We just refused her deposit and told her to not call us anymore. She was speechless, she was trying to get a discount and now she has to start the whole process elsewhere.

beahighv

#96 By Popular Vote

High school. We were in history class, and I really had to go to the bathroom. A girl was already out and we were only allowed to leave one at a time. Fine. However, this girl often goes to the bathroom then just hangs out and is gone for like 30 minutes. So, after 20 minutes I had to really go. I asked to use the bathroom again. DENIED.

Teacher said someone was out already. I said she has been out for almost the entire class, I need to go. Someone texts the girl, she appears. Looks ticked. Yells at me in the hall. I didn’t have to wait long to get a satisfying revenge. See, she was trying to become our homeroom class president. Not really a serious position, but it was leadership for her college applications, and the “debate” was that day.

Our class was about 30 kids. Two people were running: that girl and another. They said their two-minute speeches. At the point where we cast our votes, I had a little group of my friends in the class vote for a third party—a guy she hated. He was elected and she lost a line in her college resume to a guy who didn’t even want the spot.

wm1989

#97 Ex-Communicated

Years ago, I had a girl cheat on me with her ex. I never told her I knew, but inevitably broke up a week or two later “mutually”… I knew full well she would return to her ex immediately. Well, she did. I was bitter, but held it together. Then a month later, by a complete stroke of luck, I ended up with the ex/new boyfriend’s phone number.

A female friend of mine wanted to help me and posed as his “side chick.” She called and texted him every night for a week asking when he was going to screw her again, and saying she “can’t wait to see him again when his girlfriend goes to work.” I’d listen in to the calls, and every call we’d hear my ex in the background going crazy about it.

Sometimes she’d even answer the phone. My friend did a terrific job. After a week, we decided to up the ante. We drove by her house and his car was parked outside with the windows down. We put a pair of panties in the backseat. A few days later, I get a call from my ex, who had suddenly decided she wanted to return to me. Then I turned her down.

permalink

#98 Popping Off

When I was a kid, I got the Sabrina the Teenage Witch “Handbook.” It was full of kiddie experiments and stuff, and it was pretty fun. My older sister had upset or annoyed me about something, so I tried out one of the “tricks” from the book. You fill a cup with water and some corn kernels, and put some tinfoil on top of the cup. It worked too well.

The kernels eventually pop and it makes noise against the tinfoil, but it takes a few days to “work.” I put it right under her bed and then I completely forgot about it….until one night I woke up to my two sisters screaming like crazy. It had popped in the middle of the night and she thought there was a rat under her bed.

caca_milis_

#99 Sold out of Love

Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay.

I paid the card. I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills.

There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns. A week or so later, she had a screaming foot stomping tantrum about how it wasn’t worth her time to work her eBay business. (Because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought). Yeah, I cracked a smile.

The story ends thusly: I later traded the money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc. She walked away with less than she’d have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house. Our divorce was final four months ago.

WebZen

#100 Ain’t Gonna Happen, Bud

I’m an ICU nurse, the last two nights I’ve been taking care of a large strong man going through withdrawals. It involves four-point restraints. This morning I was trying to put elbow pads on him and he swung at me, but of course, the restraints prevented this. He was furious as I just stood there and slow blinked at him.

Spikito1

References: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

Source: Factinate