Stubborn People Share The Things They Proudly Do Wrong
#25 My Own Battle Hymn
Whenever the congregation at church sings “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” I always switch the words to an old camp song set to the same tune about sleeping naked. Since everyone else is singing the right words, no one can tell I’m not.
The words are: “I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it’s hot / And I wear my flannel nighty in the winter when it’s not / Oh and sometime in the springtime / Oh and sometimes in the fall / I jump between the sheets with NOTHING ON AT ALL! Glory, glory hallelujah / Glory, glory what’s it to ya? Balmy breezes blowin’ through ya / With nothing on at all!”
#24 Snack Hack
I open my potato chip bags from the bottom for two reasons: the crumbs (and the flavor) get redistributed all over the bigger pieces of chips when you flip the bag, and when you actually get to the bottom, you find the big undamaged chips covered in seasoning, not the useless crumbs.
#23 The Long Drive Home
I take the slightly slower routes and side streets to work if it is the most direct route and I don’t have to change lanes constantly and take right turns at HUGE intersections. I get very anxious when I drive and I moved to a big city a year ago and I hate it. Too many cars, too many people, not enough awareness on the road.
Yesterday I gave directions to a friend so we could drive somewhere and he says, “I would never go this way, this is stupid.”
I told him it’s because the large intersection a block away is always backed up at this time and this way is technically faster. But whatever, let’s wait almost 10 minutes in a 5-lane intersection that also has a trolley going through it when we can get to our destination in 3 minutes.
#22 Taking ‘Technically’ Too Far
I like to use the word “technically” in unnecessary situations. I own a brown couch, so I’ll say “technically my couch is brown.”
#21 Pinky Power
I use my pinky finger to control the tip of whipped cream cans. Instead of craning my wrist and blocking my vision, I hold the can upside-down and can see everywhere it’s going.
That’s how the pros do it.
#20 Treasonous Tea
I put the milk in before the hot water. In England, this is an act of treason. Everyone at work looks at me like I’m spitting directly in the Queen’s face when I make a cup of tea. However, it’s been proven putting the milk in first not only makes for better flavor, but you don’t get that film of lumpy bits that float on the top. So I’m happy to drink my treason tea (teason?) while all the naysayers out there enjoy their tepid cup of floating milk scum.
#19 Fun With Food
I enjoy mispronouncing the fancy names of food and wine at nice restaurants when I’m with pretentious people.
“I’ll take a bottle of your finest merlottttttttttttttttttttt, and the foisss grasss please.”
Upon correction, I like to pull a Louise Belcher and pretend like I had no idea and am fascinated by their incredible intellect and etiquette.
Bonus points if I can start a conversation with the server wherein I make it obvious that I know exactly how to pronounce everything on the menu.
When people sneeze, I tell them “congratulations” instead of “bless you.” Everyone I tell does a double take and asks me why.
I had a professor in college who said it and I asked him why. He told me that in ancient Rome, people would say “congratulations” to a sneeze because they believed you were ejecting a disease from your body. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it’s fun to say.
#17 Sketchy Cookie Recipe
When baking I start with the eggs first then add vanilla, sugar, etc. The last thing I add is the flour. My mom taught me this after she ran out of ingredients after a bloody egg.
I know you’re supposed to do dry and liquid separate then mix together, and oftentimes eggs are supposed to be dead last. But I always do it this way and no one has yet to complain.
People ask for my cookie recipe. I give it to them. Then they accuse me of sabotaging it. I’m not! I just do it in a different order. It tastes better!
#16 Happy Good Day
I used to work in a Thai restaurant. My Thai coworker said “have a good day” to a customer. The owner laughed at her and corrected her, “it’s happy good day!” He couldn’t stop laughing at her poor English. Now I like to say happy good day to everyone.
#15 Cold Showers
My boyfriend starts showers wrong.
He says his mom taught him to get in the tub, turn the water on and let it run through the bath faucet, wait for it to get hot, then pull the knob that makes it go through the shower head. Every time he showers, I hear him curse because it’s cold water hitting his feet.
I asked why he doesn’t just turn the water on, pull the knob so it heats up through the shower head, then get in when it’s an adequate temperature, but he continues to curse at cold water every morning.
#14 Eating Pizza With Pizzazz
I eat pizza from crust to front. I’ve had this habit since I can remember; whenever I eat, I save the best for last and eat my least favorite part first. With pizza, I like the crust the least.
#13 Ice Cream And Milk
I don’t do it too regularly now, but when I have ice cream at home, I like to put a bunch of it in a bowl and then just stir it up. I just keep stirring and stirring until it’s really smooth and a little melty and it is absolutely amazing.
If I don’t do that, I put my ice cream in a mug and then add milk. I love ice cream and milk.
#12 Cupcake Sandwich
I eat the cupcakes the wrong way, and by that I mean I eat them the right way. You take the whole cupcake and untwist the bottom half. You then take that bottom half and put it on the top and press down. What you have now is a cupcake sandwich, with the perfect ratio of cake to frosting. No more eating the frosting first and then being left with just cake.
#11 Eating Eggs With A Spoon
I eat eggs with a spoon.
Most of the action you do when eating (scrambled) eggs is scooping it up and not piercing it, so I think it’s a lot easier to just eat it with a spoon. You can still break the yolk with the spoon. If I make Eggs Benedict, of course I’m gonna eat with a knife and fork, but if it’s anything else, I’ll probably eat with a spoon.
#10 Break Me Off A Piece Of That Kit Kat Bar
I don’t eat Kit Kats by “breaking off a piece.” I eat it like a normal candy bar. There was one time that I did it out of necessity (my other hand was full, so I couldn’t break off a piece), and a complete stranger saw me and called me out on it with a look of pure horror on their face.
Eating a Kit Kat “incorrectly” might just be the one thing that all Americans could unite against.
#9 A Deaf Accent
Just talking in general. I have a deaf accent and I’ve been told I say a lot of common words wrong. I don’t care anymore and I don’t wanna go back to speech therapy after decades of meeting a therapist every week.
Funny thing is that now that I’ve become an adult woman, my deaf accent is now “sexy,” “cute,” “endearing,” “makes me stand out,” and “attention-grabbing.”
#8 Uncommon Ramen
When I make Ramen, I drain all the water out of the pot before I put the noodles in my bowl.
My girlfriend was having a rough day and wanted me to make her some Ramen. I made it how I usually do and she ended up crying because there was no broth. That’s when I realized I like eating my ramen wrong.
#7 ‘Melk,’ Not ‘Milk’
I pronounce a lot of words differently than my friends and the majority of people. I say “melk” not “milk,” “scwerpian” not “scorpion,” “pellow” not “pillow,” “mou’ains” not “mountains,” and “excape” not “escape.”
When I was younger, I used to say “Ambleeance” instead of “ambulance.” I’ve since learned the right way.
#6 French Toast With Pepper
I guess I make French toast wrong. I don’t have it with powdered sugar or maple syrup. I cook it with salt and pepper. It’s how my dad always made it. When I heard that people ate it with powdered sugar or maple syrup I was disgusted. Eggs are savory, not sweet. I wouldn’t eat scrambled eggs or an omelet with maple syrup or sugar. It was just bizarre.
#5 Cookies And Milk
I never dunk cookies into a glass of milk. Instead, I put a piece of cookie in my mouth, take a sip of milk, and I start chewing the cookie as I swallow the milk.
This ensures that no cookie chunks fall into the milk glass, the cookie gets thoroughly soaked with milk, and the glass of milk stays nice and cold.
#4 Decidedly Average Sales Agent
I’m a sales agent and I stay average at my job at best. I do this because at work they’re constantly raising the bar for stats and screwing the best employees out of money. And they increase call volume to the better-scoring agents. I don’t like being overwhelmed just because I do well and to be frank, I’m in it for the vacation time more than anything else. So I just do my necessary work to pass everything and move on with my day. It keeps attention away from me and I can screw around most of the time.
#3 Orchestrated Road Rage
On weekends, it’s really hard to find even one available parking spot in Tyson’s Corner Center’s parking garage. If I manage to get one and am leaving, I start the engine and wait for a couple of cars to come from two opposite directions. They will start hoping that I’ll pull out so they can take the spot. Both of them start to honk at each other and also start verbally assaulting each other for my spot. I feel so amazing after that.
I call my son’s electronics every name but what they are. Usually, I call the iPad a Kindle but yesterday I called it an “iKindle” and he looked like he died on the inside. It wouldn’t be so hilarious if he didn’t take it so seriously.