We’d like to believe that we’re pretty smart, especially as we get older. However, there’s not much to be done about thinking that peppercorns have actual corn in them or not recognizing your own reflection as you try to pass by. These and other moments are just some of the times people couldn’t believe their own foolishness. Ah, it happens to the best of us. Well, it happens to us.
#1 Double Vision
I recently went to pick up an order of glasses. The optician asked me to try them on, to see if they fit well. I told him this must be someone else's order because everything was blurry. He was surprised and started hunting through boxes, and I kept squinting and looking around at blurry shapes. We did this for 10 minutes before the optometrist walked in.
He explained the issue and the optometrist paused and asked where I put the glasses I was wearing when I walked in. I said I was wearing contacts. I was wearing contacts. And I put the new glasses over my contacts. I asked the optometrist if this gave me double the perfect vision and she replied, "If you mean double vision, sure."
#2 Cheese Sauce
I remember this one time when I was cooking mac and cheese. Without thinking, I started squeezing the cheese sauce in before draining the water. When I realized the mistake, I panicked and tried to grab the cheese sauce with my hands. As you can imagine, that little move just made everything worse in every way.
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#3 I Have Nothing
During the holidays I walked through an arts and crafts store, trying to find something very specific. After finding out they didn't have it, I got in a long line to check out. It didn't hit me that I didn't have anything to buy until it was my turn. I just walked past the cashier, waved, and said, "Have a nice day." It was night.
#4 Bike Lock
Oh, Lord. I remember this one time back in the fifth grade when I brought a bike lock to school. I decided to lock my backpack to my desk and then wound up swallowing the two tiny keys and key ring. I started doing the universal sign for choking and my teacher thought I had to throw up. It was a very fun experience.
#5 Friday the 13th
My birthday is on March 12th. In high school, I saw that my birthday was going to fall on a Thursday. So, I was like, “Oh wow, Thursday the 12th.” I proceeded to scan the next couple of decades on my iPod touch calendar to find out if my birthday would ever fall on Friday the 13th. To those curious, no, my March 12th birthday doesn’t ever fall on Friday the 13th. Not my proudest moment, but not my worst.
#6 Really Early Bird
In high school, I woke up on a day where very icy weather was expected. I couldn't find any school closings on television. So, I begrudgingly got ready for school, stepped out my front door, and immediately slipped on ice, landing flat on my back. I got up, shook it off, and cursed the school for not being closed.
I had to crawl my way up a hill to the bus stop because I kept slipping down the ice on the way there. I got to the bus stop and waited over half an hour for it to get there. I checked my watch repeatedly, getting more and more angry. I finally decided that they must have cancelled school and slowly made it back home. Where I saw a clock. It was 2:30 a.m. I. checked. my. watch. repeatedly.
#7 On the Line
This one time, I walked around my apartment, talking to my mom on the phone. Yet, while I was on the line with her, I continued getting more and more frustrated. My mom noticed and asked what was wrong with me. I said, "Ugh, I just can't seem to find my phone!" The realization kicked in about five seconds later.
#8 Morning Mess
This one morning, I was craving some caffeine, so I brewed an entire pot of hot coffee. I brewed an entire pot of coffee… without the coffee pot. It took me a long time to clean up that mess. I needed caffeine badly, though, so I brewed another pot. Again, I forgot to put the stinking coffee pot under the drip.
#9 I Wonder What That’s Like
As a child, I decided to close my eyes and walk around to experience the world like a blind person might. I stretched my arms out in front of me so I wouldn't walk face-first into anything, but that didn't stop an open door from passing undetected between my hands at just the right angle. It wound up smashing me square in the nose.
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#10 Cookie Monster
When I was a kid, I once ate the inside of my wall because I thought it was a wafer cookie. For whatever reason, there was a hole in my wall right above my sofa, and one day, a part of the wall fell onto the sofa. I saw the bits of wall on the sofa and realized there was a hole in the wall right above it. I clearly remember picking up a piece of the wall, thinking, "This is probably the wall."
But, I couldn't shake the possibility that it could be crumbled wafer cookies. So I took the risk and ate the wall bits that fell on the sofa. And for whatever dumb reason, even after I quickly realized it didn't taste like wafer cookies, I finished the rest of the wall sediments. I thought that maybe the piece I initially ate was wall, but perhaps the rest of the pieces on the sofa were, in fact, wafer cookies.
#11 Panio Player
I legitimately forgot the word "piano" a few years ago. I was trying to describe a situation to someone, and I blanked. Despite trying to remember, I kept saying "panio" instead. They corrected me and it all just fell into place in my head. It was the weirdest sensation of my life, I don't know how to describe it. I also felt super dumb afterward.
#12 Fraction of the Brain
I was applying for a job that required an off-site aptitude test, and it included a study guide for math. I realized that not practicing fractions in 10 or so years was humbling. I nearly had a meltdown because I just couldn't grasp how fractions worked again. Math truly is a language. If you don't use it, you lose it. I never did take the test because I got a job offer elsewhere, but I was dreading coming to terms with how dumb I had become since school.
#13 Blowing in the Wind
I grew up in a trailer park, in a trailer heated by propane gas. When I was 16, a blizzard hit my area really hard and my mom was worried because immediately prior to the storm, she thought she smelled propane outside and was concerned about us having a leak. At about 10:00 at night, the heater started acting funny and my mom, fully convinced of the leak at this point, asked me to go out back and check the propane tanks. She wanted me to see if they still had gas, and if so, how much.
I begrudgingly threw on some clothes and headed out into two feet of snow. As I got around the back of the trailer, near the tanks, I slipped and dropped my flashlight, which promptly lost power. But a lightbulb went off in my head. I'm a smoker and never go anywhere without my zippo! So, I lit it up and started poking around the tank to read the meter and see if I could smell any propane. Then it finally sunk in. I was looking for a propane leak with an open flame. So, I was figuratively and almost literally blown away by my own stupidity.
#14 Don’t Be a Knob
This morning, I happened to recognize my own mistake. I was installing a door knob. After cutting the hole and putting the knob in to make sure the door closed properly, I opened the door and began looking for the door knob so I could install it. I looked for it for 25 minutes and it was in the door the whole time.
#15 Get the Light
I live in Florida. During the 2004 hurricanes, we lost power, so all the neighbors got together for a little cookout. That way, we could share and cook the food so it didn't go to waste. It was starting to get dark, so I pointedly asked why no one had turned on the porch light. Every single one of them looked at me as if I were stupid. Then it hit me.
#16 Reflecting Badly
Once, I was walking through a doorway and a person was walking in the opposite direction at the same time. We both repeatedly tried to get out of each other’s way, only to get in each other’s way again. Every time I tried to get out of the way, so did he. Every time I tried to walk through the doorway, so did he. This went back and forth for about a few seconds before I realized the door was closed and the other guy was my reflection.
#17 Uh, Not Really
I was at my partner’s parents' house and we were in the shower. They have a second house on their land and usually, we’ll crash there when we visit them. So her dad was knocking hard on the door to the house and wasn’t letting up. We could hear it from the bathroom. So I got out, quickly got some clothes on and answered the door like nothing was happening. He asked, “Can I come in?” and I said, “Uh, not really…”
So it was immediately clear to him what was happening and he left, embarrassed. My partner was about ready to cry because she was so embarrassed. I’m the most embarrassed just for how stupid it was to not just say, “Yeah, come in.” I was dressed, she was in the shower... there was zero evidence of canoodling until I told him there was. It was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
#18 Dude, Where’s My Car?
I live in a big city and used to own a car. One night, a friend was getting married pretty close to my apartment. There was a small pre-game going on on the other side of the city, so I drove down to meet up with everyone. I was going to just drive back to my place with everyone in my car, park it back at my apartment, then we’d all just walk down to the ceremony together.
We ended up running a bit late and there were more people than could fit in my car. So, we just grabbed an Uber so we wouldn’t have to wait for parking. I left my car by my friend’s house in two-hour parking, but that ended 30 minutes after I parked and didn’t apply on Sunday, which was the next day. Fast forward to two weeks later. Since I typically walk to work and never had to use my car, I usually needed a minute to remember where it was parked. After looking for it… it hit me. I had left it in the lot for two weeks.
#19 Heads Up
I once spent a good 15 minutes trying to find my sunglasses and became very distraught thinking I was losing my mind. I was also assuring myself that they weren’t on my head. I searched the whole house, every room, twice, three times. I even checked the car. 15 minutes later, I realized that they were on my head.
#20 These Don’t Work
When I was a young lad, I had to go pick out my first glasses. So my mom and I were in the shop, she and the salesman had me put on at least 40 glasses. I wound up “not liking” any of them because I couldn't see well through any of them. I didn't realize I just had to pick a frame I liked and then the correct strength of lenses would be put in later.
#21 It’s Fine
This one time, I decided that I would make mac and cheese with the melty cheese packet. Not thinking, after I drained the noodles, I added 1/4 cup butter and 1/4 cup milk. Just like you would do for the powdered kind! I thought, “Eh, I’m sure it’s fine” and went ahead and added the cheese packet. It was delicious.
#22 Three Small Batteries
In school one day, my friend had a pen that lit up when you pressed it to paper or if you flicked a switch on the pen, the lights would flash. He kept turning it on and waving it at me. This annoyed me, so I took the batteries out in front of him. He stared at me for a second before trying to get the batteries back. In the midst of the struggle, I decided the best way to stop him from getting them, so I popped them in my mouth, then proceeded to swallow them.
My friend returned to staring at me, but with a panicked look on his face. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but eventually I realized that I shouldn’t have done that. I started feeling weird. I held my hand up and asked my teacher if I could go to the nurse's office. Skeptical, she asked me why. I told her I had just eaten three small batteries and was feeling weird.
She stared in disbelief, I think, for a second, then told the class that she’ll return in a moment. She immediately seized my hand and practically dragged me along, sprinting to the nurse’s office. She threw me into the nurse’s office and screamed, “He’s swallowed batteries!” The nurse jumped up out of her chair, “Oh my God. I’ll ring the NHS and find out what we need to do.” I immediately felt like the stupidest idiot alive. I asked if I was going to be okay, my teacher looked at me and smiled the fakest smile I’ve ever seen in my life. Then she said, “Of course you are, boy.”
Long story short, I had to be taken to the hospital and had to be x-rayed to see where the batteries were. They had reached my stomach, so I was at risk of the stomach acid melting the metal coating and the battery acid entering my stomach. I was given laxatives and a sieve, and kept overnight, of which I spent 75% of this sifting through my sludgy BMs. I eventually found them and I’ve lived happily ever after since. I wish I still had them, a trophy, of the stupidest I’ve ever been.
#23 Very Important Date
A few years ago, I sprung out of bed, tripping over bed sheets and pajamas and made my way to the bathroom. I hurriedly washed my face and brushed my teeth. I desperately tried to pull on my pants and tie my boots while grabbing my car keys. My wife asked what was wrong and I told her that I had class, I was late, and would miss the exam. I hadn't been in college for ten years and it was two in the morning.
#24 Worst Day Ever
I am old, as you will see. When we first got personal computers in the accounting department, we had 100 employees and only three personal computers to share. Since we were all new to personal computers, we weren't so careful about backups yet. I was re-formatting a diskette. I used the DOS command "DEL star.star." I was on the C: Drive. I erased the work of hundreds of files from dozens of people, none of whom had backed up. It was the worst day ever.
#25 Scrolling Through
I was reading a pretty long newspaper article in a physical paper. I was reading while waiting for something on my computer and had one of my hands on the mouse. As I kept reading, I tried to freaking scroll down the article with the mouse. I was frustrated for a little while before I realized how much of an idiot I am.
#26 Extra Precautions
I remember this one time when I was packing for a trip and decided to bring my hair straightener. But, I was worried it would turn on in my suitcase and start a fire. I decided to wrap the power cord really securely around it to cover the on the switch. It didn't hit me until I got to the end of the cord and saw the plug.
#27 Velcro Strap
I discovered the true use for that the seemingly useless velcro strap on the back of my laptop bag was actually to slide over the handle of a roller bag. Previous to this, I would put the briefcase on top of the bag and hold both handles somewhat awkwardly. One day, I checked my bags at a hotel and when I went to pick them up, the strap had been properly used and my mind was blown. No idea how I could be that dumb.
#28 Cleaning Solution
I had too much fun one night and ended up hurling. Some of it got on my phone, but not too much. I, still partied out, decided to clean it off by running it under the faucet. I watched it die in my hands. It was one of those great, "Yes, this is the consequence of that action" moments. I wasn't angry at myself, just bewildered at my own stupidity.
#29 What’s Your Name?
Once upon a time, I was punked by a fellow worker who gave me an official-looking film badge that was fogged by a significant amount of ionizing radiation. A phony ID card was provided that gave the name and the organization of his affiliation at the Nevada Test Site. I went to work immediately to discover where this individual could have received such a high dosage of radiation.
It wasn't actually harmful, but it exceeded guidelines on permissible exposure by a factor of 10. I called and called but no one knew of this person. I doggedly kept on trying until I saw this prankster peering into my office with a grin on his face, tinged with a little concern. At about this point, I realized that the name given was my name spelled backwards.
#30 Reverse Psychology
In the game Getting Over It With Bennet Foddy, there’s this snake that takes you right back to the beginning of the entire game, meaning that everything you did up to this point was pointless. The game even has a sign saying, "Don't ride the snake!" and Bennet Foddy, the narrator, says something like, “This snake is for people who hate to win." I figured that this was a case of reverse psychology and rod the snake on purpose.
#31 Duck Con Feet
The first time my husband took me to a fancy restaurant. I grew up on the U.S./Mexico border, so I'm used to the word "con" being "with" in food. Chile con carne, arroz con pollo… you get the drift. My husband takes me to a fancy restaurant when we're still dating. I pick something out for dinner and he says, "Do you want an appetizer?" I said, "I don't care, you pick one. I've got to run to the restroom."
I come back and sit down and he says, "I ordered the duck con feet pastry appetizer." All I can picture is the end of A Christmas Story with the goose being served at dinner. I'm kind of horrified, but don't say anything. But I'm expecting us to be handed a duck with the feet still attached. So, the appetizer comes and it's these little pastry cups with cubes of chopped up duck inside. I look at him and say, "So, are the feet in there too?" Yeah, I'm never living that down.
#32 To the Rescue
When I was much younger, I remember this one time when my mom accidentally burned some food she was cooking. And when I say “burned,” I mean it as in the food was actually on fire. I heroically leaped to the rescue to put out the fire… by hitting it with a napkin. No, I don't know what I was thinking then either.
#33 Flipping Itself
I think I should preface all of this by saying that I’ve earned a master's degree. I’ve earned a professional designation. I've also won professional awards for work that I’ve accomplished in my field. So help me God, I don’t know why, but I thought that the dirty/clean magnet on the dishwasher flipped itself.
#34 No Turning Back
I remember a time when I was about eight. I got to school and everything was fine as usual. Some moments passed before I realized I lost my backpack. It wasn’t in the usual places and thus I began to panic. I ran around the entire playground with feelings of pure dread and anxiety. I then began to dissociate with reality. A few more moments passed and I saw my older brother. I ran to him and explained the situation, struggling to speak. “It’s on your back,” he said. I’m still coming to terms with it 17 years later.
#35 Look Down
I was chatting with a friend on the phone for about a half-hour while taking the transit home. Shortly after hanging up, I began to panic, thinking I had lost my phone. I began frantically searching my pockets and bag. It took about 10 seconds to realize my phone was still in my hand. I had been searching for it while it was still in my hand.
#36 Get Pumped
When I was 16, I went to go get gas and pulled up to a pump on the wrong side of my car. I got out, realized my mistake, and drove around the pump in a circle and pulled up to the one in front of it. Got out, ready to pump, to my disappointment. I eventually went inside the gas station and asked the cashier for help and he got in my car and did it for me. Such a nice guy and I'm sure they all had a good laugh about it later. For some reason, I just couldn't understand what I needed to do. It was ridiculous and I still facepalm just thinking about it.
#37 Zero Power
I once picked up a couple of boxes of contact lenses from the eye doctor, drove home, and tried them on. Nothing, no change in my vision at all. I looked at the box and drove right back to the eye doctor. Whoever ordered them accidentally ordered them with a power of 0, which are not going to help much! I check the box before I leave the store now.
#38 University Library
I left my computer at the university library, went to the bathroom and came back. My computer was turned off, the monitor wouldn’t turn on, the computer desktop just wasn’t working. I thought I’d lost some of the work I’d been writing. It took me a good five seconds before I realized I’d sat next to the faulty computer next to mine. I’d spent a good 15 seconds sitting right next to my computer and not noticing that I’d sat in the wrong seat.
#39 It’s a Potato
I was coming back from my work cafe, proudly clutching a baked potato for lunch. I got off the elevator and ran into a lady who saw me and went, “Aw, what are you having?” Important to note here that I was about seven months pregnant at the time, but this didn’t really register in my mind as she asked me this pointed question. It was lunchtime, so that was the only thing on my mind. I turned, looked her square in the eye and replied, “Um, a potato.”
#40 We Meet Again
I drive a grey Honda Civic and practically every fifth car looks like mine. One day, I went to the post office to pick up some records I’d ordered from eBay. I went to get into my car and this sweet old lady sort of freaked out because I’d gotten into the wrong car. We laughed it off, our cars are identical, and it was funny with no harm done. Then, about four weeks later, I went to pick up more records. I got into her car again. Her confused husband came back to both of us sobbing from laughter. I was still in the front seat because I was laughing too hard to move.
#41 Interrupted Routine
I usually pat my pants as I leave to make sure I have my phone, wallet and keys with me. One day before work, I went to do the usual patting ritual. I found my phone, wallet… but no keys. Where were my keys?! I started looking around frantically for them. Then I realized that I was in my car. Driving to work. With my keys in the ignition.
#42 Stopping Quickly
In college, I used to bike everywhere. I was quite proud of myself for learning how to ride without using my hands. Eventually, I stepped it up to see how far I could coast without feet on the pedals. A little reckless perhaps, but not immensely stupid. My brain checked out when I wanted to step it up another notch. I decided to see if I could brake without using my hands, as in, pulling the hand brake with my foot. Well, I did stop quickly.
#43 Wednesday? Thursday?
My director was listing out dates for rehearsals and I was checking every time to make sure they weren't on a specific date because I had plans. She stated that the rehearsal would be on a Wednesday. Me, having asked my friend every time if certain dates were on a Thursday, asked him if "Wednesday was on a Thursday."
#44 What’s That Noise?
When I was a kid, my dad would tell me to stop listening to music so loudly through headphones cause I’d go deaf. At the age of six, I was genuinely scared of this and every once in a while would take my headphones out and wait for someone to make a sound before resuming listening to music. So, just to be clear, I would stop listening to music… in order to confirm I hadn’t gone deaf.
#45 The Ground Round
Back in college, I worked as a cook at The Ground Round. I had been working there for probably six months. It was the middle of a slow day and I was the only one in the kitchen. I was cooking one lonely burger, just staring blankly at the burger on the grill when it dawned on me. “The Ground Round. Hah, I get it.”
#46 Changing Keys
When I was much younger, I thought it would be a good idea to remove the keys from my keyboard and to put them back in alphabetical order. My thought process was, "If they're in an order I already know, it'll be much easier to type." It wasn't until I started typing that I realized I was a fool and that's not how key inputs work.
#47 Deli Door
I once tried to close the door of the meat case back when I used to work at a deli. For some reason, the door wouldn't shut, so I just kept slamming it over and over again. I looked down, and the plastic zipper to the bag I just tossed in had gotten in the way. At that point, it was obviously completely obliterated.
#48 A Miscalculation
I woke up in the middle of the night and needed to go to the bathroom. The bathroom was across the basement from my bedroom and I had gotten pretty good at navigating in the dark. So, I didn’t turn any lights on so I could “stay tired.” I made it to the bathroom and on the way back, I usually follow the back of the couch and then angle off the end to go to my room. But this time, I miscalculated the angle somehow and ran straight into the wall beside the open doorway. Luckily, no one was there to see.
#49 It’s Not Phteven
When I met my new neighbor, he introduced himself as "Steven." When he saw me put “Steven” in my phone's contacts, he corrected me and said it was spelled with a “PH.” My stupid self thought that meant it was spelled “Phteven” instead of the very obvious Stephen. It took me several hours until I realized my mistake.
#50 Pepper and Corn
I bought a bottle of Arby’s peppercorn ranch sauce, and it was sitting in the fridge. (It's the only sauce I like.) I told my sister about it and she said, “Oh, that's what that is.” Then we get to talking about sauces. I mentioned, “Yeah, I can’t really taste the corn though.” At that moment, I learned a peppercorn is not just a pepper plus a piece of corn.
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