Whether you're in Walmart, driving down the highway, or eating at a fancy restaurant, there's always that one person who manages to take stupid to the next level. It's amazing that many of these people are still able to function! For many of you, it won't take long to recognize someone you know in one of these stories. Hopefully, you don't recognize yourself.
A few quick rules of thumb to get you started: learn what the word "continent" means (just a hint, there are seven of them), don't say you support genocide, and never drink and drive. Buckle your seatbelts, folks, and prepare to read some pretty stupid stuff.
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#1 Did You Take Science?
My mother once said, "Cats are cold-blooded because they like to lay in the sun."
Four or five months ago, she doubled down on this, stating the exact same thing. I told her, "Are you cold-blooded because you like to sunbathe?"
She still thinks cats are cold-blooded.
#2 That Doesn't Matter
Someone in my freshman year college class: "Professor, do you think dinosaurs existed?"
Professor: "There seems to be a lot of evidence in favor of that conclusion. What do you think?"
Someone: "I don't think they did. I mean, how do we know they were called dinosaurs? They could have been called anything."
#3 Maybe Work On Your Spelling
I worked at a call center and someone said "Q, as in cucumber" to me while spelling out a word over the phone. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you're spelling out a super long word, it really does mess with your brain.
#4 Employers Don't Care
Ever hear of those bad free online IQ tests? My friend took one of them, but the one she took was obviously not a valid one. It was probably made by either a 12-year-old, a tipsy person, or a tipsy 12-year-old.
Anyway, one question was, "What is your favorite food out of these four," which was already a really bad question. I didn't think it could get worse until I saw, "What do you think of the iPhone?"
Ridiculous—the test deemed a person's IQ to be higher the more ignorant the person was of the world. She got a high score and put it on her resume.
#5 Read. The. Map.
In high school, during global studies, we were talking about South America. A girl asked which country was Africa. Even after being told it’s a separate continent, she continued to argue for 20 minutes saying it was a small country in South America. My teacher even whipped out a map, but she still stuck to her script.
#6 I Wish!
A girl I used to date was convinced that used cars came with insurance.
We went out to look at cars for her one weekend and on the way to the first lot, it came up in conversation. She absolutely did not believe me when I told her she was wrong. The salesman told her the same thing so she demanded we check out another dealership.
We visited four dealerships that day and all of them told her the same thing.
The relationship didn't last much longer, but earlier this year she was pulled over and arrested for a litany of offenses including a DUI. But surprise! She had no auto insurance.
#7 Read The Book
I work at an animal shelter and a woman asked me if we had any dogs that didn't go #2. I told her no, all dogs go #2. Then she asked about cats.
Clearly, she was not suited to be a pet owner.
#8 Different Balloons
I was blowing balloons up with my wife prior to a party.
Wife: “No no no. Don’t blow the balloons that fall to the floor, blow up the floating balloons.”
Me (with a look of disbelief): “What? You need to use helium for that?”
Wife: “No, you’re just not bothering, that’s what it is.”
#9 So What Do Pilots Do?
My sister's friend, who is 22, believes that when you fly in an airplane, you just levitate there and the earth rotates under you. When the plane is over the destination, the plane lowers again and that’s what happens.
She wants to be a teacher.
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#10 Hurricanes Do Make The Ocean Swirl...
A previous coworker of mine was looking at images of hurricanes. She thought what she was seeing was the ocean swirling around and not the clouds. The best part? She referenced the climactic scene in The Little Mermaid when Ursula caused a huge storm to shipwreck Eric and Ariel.
She had a bachelor's degree.
#11 Talk About Conspiracy Theories
I remember sitting in a World Civics class in high school and a girl asked how people outside of the US lived since they were in a desert. The teacher tried to have her clarify which desert, to which the girl responded with, "The one outside the US."
She was convinced that every single nation outside of the US was comprised solely of deserts and that any major cities she had heard of (i.e. London, Paris, etc.) were actually US cities...
#12 Twins Are A Mystery
Someone once asked me and my twin sister if we ever mistook ourselves for one another. I'd like to think she was joking, but I don't think she was.
My grandmother was an identical twin. Her sister passed away before I was born. She didn't like to tell stories from when she was little, but she did tell me one mistaken identity story.
She was in their bedroom one night when they were really young and she saw her sister through the window. She started talking to her sister, asking her why she was outside at night. Then she realized it was her reflection. My grandmother had mistaken herself for her twin.
#13 Everything Is Made Up
During a color war trivia game at summer camp, we were asked to name the places where the Olympics have been held. Someone mentioned Athens and the girl next to me started to lose her mind laughing. I asked her why and she responded, "Isn't Athens that place from Harry Potter?"
#14 They Just Wanted Their Money's Worth
When I worked in fast food, I had a couple that wanted me to apply two senior citizen discounts to their meals because there were two of them. I could not get them to understand that the discount was a percentage that applied to the total order. They very cleverly decided every time they came in that they would order and pay separately. They shall have their two discounts and no one could stop them! The funny thing was, ordering that way made their total come out a couple of cents more expensive than if they had just ordered the two meals on one ticket. That gave me some cheap satisfaction.
#15 I Assume He's Not Vaccinated
There was this mother I met once; I'll call her Karen. Karen is your typical multi-level marketing mom—she's in like, three of them, including an essential oil one. One day, her son gets sick. Instead of getting cold medicine, she feeds him essential oils. Of course, he gets sicker, so the school he goes to treats him right. After hearing about this, his mom said, and I quote, "Don't give him that! The big pharma chemicals will make him immune to the essential oils!"
#16 Essential Oils Are Not All Great
One of the people high up in an essential oil company nearly ended his kid. The kid got burned badly; his skin came off in sheets. They stuck him in a tub but figured since he wasn't in a whole lot of pain, he'd be fine. Then they pulled him out, coated his burns in lavender oil and prayed over him. They posted this on Facebook and people in the comments were urging them to take the kid to the hospital. The kid ended up in shock, and that's when they finally put him in the car. Some people turned CPS on them... Thank goodness, because that was really messed up.
#17 It Adds Up To What?
Me while watching a semi-friend do 10 separate ATM transactions: "Why are you taking out $200 from the ATM in $20 increments? You are just adding up the $2.50 fee."
Semi-Friend: "It all adds up in the long run."
Me: "No kidding, it adds up to you wasting money"
Semi-Friend: "No, trust me, it adds up."
#18 Someday It Will Be Possible
Phone Customer: "Can I pay with cash over the phone?"
Me: ...
I asked this customer if I heard them correctly and she verified that yes, she would like to pay with cash over the phone. There was nothing but seriousness in her tone. I informed her she could pay with cash at the box office, however, over the phone I could only accept a credit card. I did not laugh at her or make her feel stupid but inside I was dying.
#19 That Saying Is Annoying Anyway
I worked with someone who would say, "It's Friday somewhere!" unironically on Tuesdays.
#20 Complete Fail
In my communications class in high school, it came to my teacher's attention that a few people in the class didn’t have a basic grasp of world geography, so he pulled up an interactive world map on his computer and connected it to the projector.
Teacher: “Okay, so this is where we are. This is?”
Class: “North America.”
Teacher: “Okay, and down here?” (Cursor is hovering over South America)
Two girls expressed confusion over what it was, so he told them it was South America. Next, he moved the cursor over Africa. Both of these girls, in unison, with full confidence blurted out, “East America!”
Later in the “lesson,” one of the girls said that she thought North Korea was in the center of the US, and that’s why we have so many problems with them. My main concern was that I was in the same school district as them for all 12 years, and I wondered how the system that worked for me had completely failed to work for them.
#21 I Hope She's Okay
Here's a phone conversion with my ex:
Her: "I found a piece of candy on the floor."
Me: "Don't eat it."
Her: "But it's still in the packaging."
Me: "Do not eat it."
Her: "I'm gonna eat it."
*crunch*
Her: *various sounds of disgust*
Me: "I told you!"
Her: "I don't think that was candy."
Me: "Send me a pic of it."
Cue a picture of definitely NOT candy, but a ceramic wall decoration with bible quotes on it labeled "Christmas decorations." The top left chunk was in pieces, still laying on the floor.
SHE WAS ALMOST 18 YEARS OLD at the time.
#22 That Is So Wrong
I was walking with a former coworker of mine through a department store during the holidays. There was an area dedicated to ugly sweaters and one had the Star of David all over it. My co-worker points to it and says, "Oh, isn't that sweater for that Jewish holiday? What's it called? Holocaust?"
I wish her the best.
#23 Serious Misunderstanding
I had a class in college focused on corporate social responsibility where we regularly discussed whether different companies met the appropriate standards. A girl proudly announced that she loved Pepsi so much they could commit genocide and she would still love them.
We awkwardly moved past her statement, but the next class she came in and profusely apologized to everybody because she didn't know what genocide was when she said that.
#24 Winter Is Coming
I was a camp counselor for many years and periodically, during the winter, we would meet up for drinks to catch up. So I'm out to dinner with two girls I used to be on staff with and it's raining pretty hard outside. One of the girls who had been staring outside looks back at us and says, "Isn't it amazing that it's raining around the world right now? I mean like, it's raining in Rome right now." Or something along those lines. It's important to note that we were nowhere near Rome. My other friend probed her for more info in order to try to grasp what was happening and it became apparent.
She literally thought that when it rained in one place, it rained around the globe simultaneously. It's mind-boggling. Local weather stations? Nope never heard of it. Different climates? Heck, no.
I lost contact with the weather-goddess a few years ago but I still see my other friend a couple of times a year. No matter what the weather is, we reference this quote.
I just glanced out my window and there is light snow coming down. Bundle up, everybody.
#25 Numbers Are The Same
In Wales, we get the option to use an ATM machine in either Welsh or English. A Welsh friend, an English friend, and I were at an ATM.
My English friend asked my Welsh friend why he always used the ATM in Welsh. His response was, "Fewer people can understand Welsh, so fewer people can read my pin number."
#26 But How Did They Recognize The Car?
I knew a couple in my hometown. They were both out for drinks and he decided to drive them home. Both tipsy. He gets pulled over and they take him to jail for a DUI. The officers then decide to drive the girl home. She gets home, gets in her car, and drives to the police station to pick her boyfriend up. The officers notice it's the same girl they just drove home and they arrested her for drinking and driving.
#27 Drugs Are Bad, Kids
My friend had recently broken up with a seriously crazy girl at the time. She showed up to his house high as a kite and broke his ankle by stomping on it with her big boots.
He had to call an ambulance to be taken to the hospital, and after he did, she left.
The police were called to the hospital to report the assault.
While the police were there talking with him, she showed up, still very obviously high as a kite (to pick up her boyfriend).
She was, of course, arrested for the assault and for driving under the influence. She seemed wholly confused at how she had done anything wrong.
#28 All Over The World
I was on a school trip to Germany and we visited the casino in Baden-Baden. One kid asked, “Do the Native Americans run the casinos here too?”
I almost fell over.
#29 Movies Are So Influential
A few years ago, I was traveling in Kenya and a few of us shelled out for a safari. Our guide was great and at one point said all the names for the animals in Swahili—"Simba" is "lion", for example.
Someone then asked, “Did you always call them that, or did you decide to change it after The Lion King came out?” I really wanted to apologize to the tour guide at that moment, who had to respond with respect to that guy.
Yes, I’m sure he wasn’t joking.
#30 Maybe Their Tech Was More Advanced
My family and I were watching a program on TLC about cavemen. There were actors dressed up like cavemen, doing cavemen things, as the narrator explained the scientific theory around what they thought their lives were like.
My sister was just in awe watching this. Mouth slightly open, eyes open wide. During a commercial break, she asked the room, "How did they get the cameras back there?"
We will never let her forget that she said that.
#31 If You Don't Read, Don't Reply
A work email from me to my program manager, regarding time off over the upcoming holiday season: "I'm going to take a vacation. I have recorded this in the team calendar. There will be no impact on our delivery timeline."
Program manager: "Please record your vacation in the team calendar. Also, will there be any impact on the delivery timeline?"
My reply: "Done and no."
Her attention span was apparently five words, tops.
#32 Learn To Read
I had to write an affidavit for a social worker at my job once and she had requested that I include specific events I observed, but I was to do so in an order of oldest to most recent. I had to go through my manager to send off affidavits to social workers.
I emailed my manager the affidavit and she emailed me back saying, “I need you to go back and actually include the requests.”
I was really confused because I thought I had. I asked her to be more specific on what she was asking and all she said was, “Nevermind.” I’m guessing she just didn’t read past the first page.
#33 Credit Cards For Everyone!
The following exchange is offered verbatim (or as near to it as I can remember):
Her: "That suit would look great on you."
Me (checking the price): "Too bad I don't have nine hundred dollars."
Her: "Just use your credit card."
Me: "I still wouldn't have nine hundred dollars."
Her: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "I try to pay off my balance in full when I use my credit card. That's more than I can afford right now."
Her (irritated): "That makes zero sense. Nobody pays for credit cards! They give them to you!"
Me: "Not the card; the balance. The bill."
Her: "What bill?"
Me: "...The credit card bill? The one you have to pay every month?
Her: "No, you don't."
Me: "Okay, well, I guess you can make minimum payments, but..."
Her (interrupting): "What are you talking about?! You are making zero sense. If you don't like the suit, just say so!"
Me: "I do like the suit, I just can't afford it. Using my credit card wouldn't magically make it so I wouldn't have to pay."
Her: "You don't pay for credit cards. God, what is wrong with you?"
Me: "Wait. Do you mean that you've never paid your credit card bill?"
Her: "There's no such thing! Credit cards are so you don't have to pay."
It eventually came to light that the young woman had been given her credit card by her parents, who paid the balance for her whenever they received a bill. This revelation only occurred after I'd been accused of trying to make her feel guilty for buying sweatshop clothing, though I never did figure out where that connection occurred.
#34 He's Never Right
I work in a door factory. I put doors on a router, set them somewhere, and my coworker puts glass in it and sends it off.
I usually get ahead of my coworker, so I had multiple piles with different orders. My coworker asks which pile to start on, and I tell him the far right one.
He goes for the one on the far left and I’m yelling at him, not that pile, the far right.
He proceeds to go farther left and look for doors that aren’t there.
I come to find out that this dude doesn’t know his left and right. I had to teach him the differences twice now. I showed him that trick you do with your left hand to make an L last time though, and he hasn’t messed up since.
#35 Just Eat It
A surprising amount of people in my life have thought that ham came from its own animal and had nothing to do with pigs. At least two of those people had this conversation while eating a ham sandwich after claiming not to eat pork.
#36 Just Explain The Changes Again
Where I work, there are sometimes errors with the systems as there are in all IT-related jobs. I'm part of a team that works as a middle-man to see if we can resolve the errors using common workarounds before forwarding them up to the higher IT levels called Support Services if we're unsuccessful.
The only issue is that Support Services has no clue on what we do or how to do it, so when reporting the error, you have to spell out what the error is and how to replicate it. Now, while that's fair as it's not their job, they also have a short-term memory and absolutely no common sense. Here's an email conversation I've had over the last week for example:
Me: *Screenshot of the error plus a detailed paragraph explaining how to replicate said error*
SS: "Could you please clarify what error message is received?"
Me: "-1013 error, Sp1 issue. The error is in the attached screenshot."
SS: "Could you please attach the screenshot again so we can see what the error message is?" (They can replicate this themselves; that's the whole point of the conversation)
Me: "Here's the screenshot. Please, can we have a tracker to try and get manual payments sorted for the customer."
SS: "Could you explain what changes you were trying to make?"
Me: "I detailed this in the original email. Change figure 'x' to 'y' after customer provided new financial document and validate the changes."
SS: "What document holds these figures?"
Me: "The document scanned onto the system on the 4th, the only document received in the last year from the customer."
SS: "Could you attach a screenshot of the error again?"
Me: "I have done this twice before. It is your job to replicate the error so you would be able to see it if you followed my instructions on how to replicate the error. But, here is the final screenshot of the error."
SS: "Could you confirm exactly what changes you were trying to make again?"
The word "again" was the trigger for me to turn off my computer and calmly ask my manager for half a day flex-hour holiday starting that moment.
This was all the same email thread.
#37 Nothing Is Real
My grandpa's cleaning lady was making fun of me for believing that the ozone layer exists. She laughed out loud at me and said, "Then how do the rockets take off from Earth without crashing into it?" She continued to laugh and make fun of me for a good 10 minutes straight. I was so baffled that I just let her go on.
#38 That's What It Looks Like
My ex in high school and her friends. We were all standing around talking and one of her friends brought up how north is up, like into the sky. She was 16. I said, "Uh, no, that's not how that works." Her, my ex, and their friend all argued with me for over 20 minutes about how I was wrong and how the south was down into the ground and north was up into the sky.
I ended up just leaving mid-conversation. I couldn't handle it.
#39 Water Is So Powerful
At 17 years old, I assumed this one girl couldn't be that dumb, but honestly, the stuff she said made me think she should be watered once a day. Some of the best included:
"Solar panels won't work in space because there's no sunlight out there."
"Copper smells like a wet muffin."
"If you stood under a really strong waterfall would you erode or would the water just move out of the way?"
#40 It Doesn't Even Make Sense
My friends and I were standing outside on a particularly clear night, imagining what ancient man thought all the stars are. Distant campfires of hunters, spirits of ancestors, etc.
Cue our uninformed friend, who had been in the restroom and caught the tail end of the question. He butted in with, "But then why are some stars brighter than others?" Without hesitation, he said, "Oh, those just reflect the sunlight better."
It took us a minute to realize he was serious and didn't misunderstand the question. Every year after that for his birthday, one of us would buy him a children's book on astronomy.
#41 There Are A Number Of Issues Here
In high school, I went on an exchange semester. I left my German school and stayed with a family in the U.S. for five months.
One of the first questions I got when I mentioned that there are in fact still Jews living in Germany was, “What? Didn’t they go extinct in Europe?” Probably the most ignorant girl I've ever come across.
#42 Maps Are So Difficult
A coworker was trying to convince me that Nova Scotia was in Eastern Europe. I kindly pulled up a map on the internet. He quickly got embarrassed and confessed that he wasn't good with geology. Geology.
#43 Mexico and New Mexico Are Different
My wife's friend is from New Mexico. In college, we would be carded in bars and get told that they "don't accept foreign IDs."
While traveling in New York state, I stopped to get a beer. I ordered a Yuengling and the guy told me, "We don't serve Chinese beer here."
My former coworker always butchered common phrases. Stuff like, "I tried to tell them, but it just fell on Death's ears. "
#44 That Is Terrifying
When I was in the army, I had a soldier who was a very good human being but was in no way a good fit for the military. He was clumsy, unathletic, and generally aloof.
I tried to get people in my team to teach classes to the rest of the team. I found it helped them build confidence in their skills and it taught everybody else things they might not have known about as well. In that sense, it was win-win. For example, I had one person teach basic first aid. I had my SAW gunner go over disassembling weapons apart and cleaning them, then putting them back together, etc. Basic stuff like that. I asked this private what he wanted to teach, and he said, "I don't really know, Sergeant." I asked him what he was good at and he said, "History? Or I could do hacky sack." Again, a good guy, just aloof.
We had a dress uniform inspection every month. You'd get your Class A uniform ready (clean and pressed, medals on, brass polished, etc.) go outside to formation, wear it for about 15 minutes, and then do the whole thing over again the following month. The night before the inspection, I walked through my soldiers' rooms and inspected their uniform to make sure everything was in order and nothing was missing. I had to take another guy to an appointment three hours away (we were in South Korea) that morning, and 10 minutes before the inspection was supposed to begin, I get a phone call from Squidward and he drops this bomb on me:
"Sergeant. My pants don't work."
"What the heck are you talking about? How do they not work?"
"I can't close them."
"Did you get fat this month? I saw you wearing them last month. I saw you wear pants yesterday. What exactly is the problem?"
"They're not working. I can't get them closed and I think my dry cleaner sewed my pockets upside down."
"HOLD UP. Your pockets are upside down? Are your pants inside out?"
"I don't think so, Sergeant. I'm not that dumb."
"Humor me, and check."
"Not inside out! I told you!"
"Okay. Try putting your hands in your pockets and pushing them all the way down."
"Should I take the stuff out of them?"
"Please do."
"Woah Sergeant, it worked. My pants work again. I have to go... Inspection and all."
"I'm aware."
The dude's pockets were flipped upside down to the inside of his waistband and he had them so full of stuff that he couldn't close his pants. He was 21 years old. I'm still absolutely in awe that the army saw fit to give him a grenade launcher.
#45 Do You Know What A Country Is?
I asked a friend what her favorite country was. She replied, "Europe." I said that's a continent and then she said London...
