#29 Right To Bear Nukes
I was eating at some restaurant several years back and I heard this. A grandmother, daughter, and boyfriend were discussing military weapons. I overheard the daughter, who was extremely overweight, say, “If the military can have nukes, then US citizens should be able to have nukes! We should be able to have any weapon the government has. It’s in the second amendment.” I was dumbfounded by this stupid that comment was.
#3
0 Salt Is Full Of Sodium?I was with my wife at a well-known, all-in-one retailer when we passed by two young women in the spice aisle. They had to be in their late teens or early twenties. One of them picked up a grinder full of pink Himalayan sea salt and began reading the nutritional information. She then commented to her friend, "Oh my god, look at how much sodium is in here!" We hurried out of the aisle to avoid snickering in front of them, but not before catching the eye of her friend. Her face was one of embarrassment.
#31 The Absolute Worst Answer
I was in a briefing about assault prevention. The O-6 asked us, "If a female subordinate approached with allegations of assault or harassment in the workplace what would you do?" A Staff Sergeant with zero cares to give raised his hand and said, "Sir, I gotta be honest. I wouldn't believe her..." The whole room went silent and we watched the O-6 burn a hole through this guy with his eyes. The O-6 then said, "That is the worst possible answer you can give me, people."
#32 Raining From On High
My mom, a high school Physics and Chemistry teacher, was standing under the Bass Pro Shops pyramid and saw a leak dripping from near the top. She looked to my brothers and me and said, "Be careful, I bet it's falling really fast since it's that high up, you could get hurt." I turned slowly to her and said, "Mom... You do remember that rain exists... Right?" She still hasn't lived that down.
#33 Graphing Growing Genes
One time, I was asking my friend, who is 6 feet, 9 inches tall, why he's so tall as a joke. He looked me in the eye, 100% serious and said, "Because I have an extra Y chromosome," I was confused and asked how that works. He went on to explain that Y chromosomes make you taller and the X ones make you wider. Like the X and the Y axis on a graph. We are both seniors in high school.
#34 Sustainable Beef
I grew up on a cattle farm. A woman about 15 years older than me asked, “After you cut off the meat from the cow, how long will it take until it grows back so you can cut more?” I wish so badly that she was messing with me. She was not. She really thought the beef was sustainable. I didn't know how to break the concept of slaughterhouses to her.
#35 The Whites Are Vegan
I was standing in line at my university's dining hall for breakfast at the omelet station. I got one every morning so I'd usually chat with the cook while we waited. Behind me, there were two girls that we jokingly categorized as "egg whites, no cheese" girls. One of them said... "Wait, aren't you going vegan now? You can't have eggs." To which the other girl replied. "No, it's okay if you just eat the egg whites, the yellow is the baby chicken." This was at a high-tier university. Daddy's money was going down the drain.
#36 Winds Of Chaos
In an airplane, I was behind two females when the pilot said the wind was from West-Northwest at 40 mph. One of the girls said, “Does that mean the wind is blowing left, then right, then left again?” The real kicker was when the other girl responded with, “Well, if you’re laying on a map, I’d say it would be right, then left, then right.” They then debated it until I busted up laughing so hard I farted. Funniest conversation I’ve ever heard on an airplane.
#37 Dinosaurs Aren't Real
"My kid loves dinosaurs. It’s going to be hard to tell her that they weren’t real."
"But they were. They’re just extinct."
"Uh... no. They’re just storybook creatures, like dragons."
"No. We have fossils."
"Those are just statues. I can’t believe you thought they were real. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who actually believes in dinosaurs before."
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#38 Nevada Secession
An in-law ex-con once said, "I want to go to Las Vegas." I replied, "You can't go to the states with your criminal past." She became upset and yelled, "Good thing Las Vegas is in Nevada, and not the United States!" Well, things just got terribly awkward when her mom had to explain that Nevada was one of those fancy things called a state; one that she wasn't allowed in.
#39 Regular Jalapeños
I worked at a popular pizza place in Houston.
Customer: "I would like jalapeños too. Me: Ok. Fresh or pickled?"
Customer: "I don’t know, the regular ones."
Me: "Okay, fresh."
Customer: "Why are you making this so difficult? What’s the difference between fresh and pickled?"
Me: "Well, one is straight from the ground, and one is from the ground then pickled."
Customer: "Bye."
#40 Month For The Conquerors
There was a girl that stood up in a Sociology class at my university to ask a question. It was after they just finished up a discussion of black history month. She asked, "Why don't we have a white history month?" The professor replied, "What do you mean?" She continued on, saying, "I mean, we conquered an entire race." There was confusion, laughter, disgust, embarrassment, and all sorts of other emotions mixed in that room at once. Some people even started yelling at her, while throwing rolled-up paper balls at her. The professor didn't allow more questions and dismissed the class. She dropped the class.
#41 New Mexico Is Not Old Mexico
Shortly after 9/11, my wife and I were in the UK. On the way home, the customs officer at the airport was dead serious.
Officer: "Are you a US citizen?"
Wife: "Yes."
Officer: "It says here you were born in New Mexico. So when did you become a US Citizen?"
Wife: "At birth. New Mexico is in the US."
Officer: "No it isn’t. It’s in Mexico. That’s why it has Mexico in the name."
I nudged her because I could sense in her tone that she was starting to get really irritated. I did not want to mess with these customs patrol guys. After a bit of bickering back and forth, the customs patrol officer said, "You don't want to pick a fight with me. Calm down and we'll get this settled." He walked away for a bit, talked to his coworker, then came back and said, "Okay, you're free to go. My wife and I looked at each other, and we both knew he had just been corrected. We never did get a sorry from him.
#42 Different Does Not Mean Irish
I was in Perth, Australia on working holiday. I only had a few months left so I was working as a cashier in a supermarket (IGA). I had several older ladies compliment me on my Irish accent, even though I’m American. When I corrected one lady who said to her friend, “That’s a great example of an Irish accent," she tried to argue that my family must be Irish or that I hung around with or lived near a lot of Irish. Elderly women of WA: Just because I sound different than you, doesn’t mean I’m Irish.
#43 No Power On This Street
While on a walk through their neighborhood, my sister-in-law said, "Oh, I feel so sorry for the people that live on this block." When asked why, she replied, in a manner of fact tone, "Because... They don't have power. See, the sign says 'no outlets!'" She didn't understand why everyone burst out laughing until someone explained that it was a cul de sac. We love her, but she's a total airhead.
#44 Forget Maths!
My math teacher (who is also my grammar teacher), once came into class. Last week she told us that we were going to have an exam, so, she came in and yelled, "Everybody, put that stuff away, I don't care about math, it's useless." We laughed. She didn't. Ten minutes later, she realized, that she was a math teacher too. She just went out and we had an hour off.
#45 Buying Baby Oil
I was shopping with my spouse after our child was born. We were in the baby aisle. She picked up a bottle of baby oil, which prompted me to ask aloud, "Wait. Baby oil is actually for babies?" A woman who had been walking into the aisle laughed audibly and immediately walked away. My spouse looked at me and asked, "Was it something I said?"
