People Share The Greatest Comeback To An Insult They’ve Ever Heard
No matter who you are, chances are you’ve been insulted. In most cases, the perfect response to an insult only comes to you hours after the altercation. But the people in these stories had the perfect comeback ready to go. Not only did they tell their insulters what they could do with their harsh words, but they also gave their insulters something to think about.
Take the following words to heart and hope that you’ll never be on the receiving end of them. There’s definitely something to learn a from these quick thinkers. The stories listed below might make you laugh and they might make you cry, but they will certainly make you wish that you thought of their comebacks first.
#1 Lucky He Had A Tattoo
I was at a friends place with a lot of people I didn’t really know too well. Out of nowhere, a dude from across the table said, quite aggressively, that my suspenders were ugly and that they made me look like I was trying too hard (which, to be fair, I was). Without skipping a beat, I stood up, unclipped my suspenders and put them in my pocket. When I sat down, I looked straight into his eyes and replied, “Now let’s talk about that face tattoo of yours…”
#2 He Thought Racism Was Hilarious
My father is Irish and he used to work in California. One day, a particularly condescending colleague complimented my dad’s work by saying, “I never thought I’d get to meet an intelligent Irishman,” to which my dad replied, “Hopefully someday I’ll be as fortunate with Americans,” which went completely over his colleague’s head.
#3 And Everyone Gets One?
The best comeback I’ve heard was: “You are the human equivalent of a participation award.”
#4 Just The Truth
It’s been told that former French President, Jacques Chirac, once made the following comeback, which is legendary in France. Some dude yelled at him, “Connard !” (it means “jerk”, roughly). And he answered, “Pleased to meet you, I’m Jacques Chirac”.
#5 Dress Your Age
My former friend was 12 years my senior and she fancied herself pretty heavily. She was okay, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. She was dressed way too young, clearly trying to hold on to her youth. One day, she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I’d finally had enough (she made these comments often) and I said, “Well what about you?” “Excuse me?!” she snapped, “I have the body of a 22-year-old!” I replied, “Well, give it back, you’re stretching it out!”
#7 Insults Aren’t New
After the British coalition victory at the Battle of Waterloo, the victorious, Duke of Wellington was invited to a meal during the post-war negotiations for sorting out France. Present at the meal were a number of the generals who formed part of Napoleon’s army, along with a bunch of political big-wigs and leaders of business. When the Duke entered the room, the French generals were incensed and wanted to insult him so they all in unison stood up and turned their backs to him, as an insult. The politicians in the room quickly moved to comfort the Duke and apologize for their actions but the Duke simply responded, “It’s quite alright, I’ve seen their backs before”.
#8 Old Burn
At a busy restaurant in LA that had a lot of people waiting to be seated, some has-been celebrity played the “Don’t you know who I am?” card with the host, who promptly responded, “Honey, I don’t know who you are, I know who you used to be…”
#9 Never Thought I’d Feel Bad For Gordon Ramsay
Gordon Ramsay asked his daughter on-camera, “So what’s it like being the daughter of the most famous chef in the world?” His daughter replied, “I wouldn’t know, Jamie Oliver’s not my dad.” Roasted.
#9 Backfired In The Best Way
I once said to someone, “You have a face for radio.” He got a huge smile and said, “Thank you! I’m starting my own radio show!” I wished him the best of luck and we both parted feeling pretty happy. It was a good day all around.
#10 Bullying The Bully
I had a bully in high school who was tiny. Like, under 5 feet tall. I was 6’3″ at the time so he would always pick on me, throw stuff at my head, push me around, stuff like that. I never fought back cause I hate violence. Anyway, one day we were in a class together and the class went on lockdown. It wasn’t a drill but we were told the campus wasn’t in danger. So jokingly I said, “I know why we’re locked down! Maybe the zombie apocalypse started!” The bully immediately replied, “You dummy, zombies aren’t real!” I shot back, “Yeah, well we didn’t think hobbits were real but you’re standing here aren’t you!” He lunged at me and got in trouble.
#12 Blast From The Past
Private Hudson: “Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?” Private Vasquez: “No. Have you?”
#13 But What Did The Teacher Say?
A teacher once tried to point out that another student and I were gay. So I waited for the class to settle down and said, “You seem to have an obsession with gay little boys, sir.” I have never seen the class kick off as it did and to this day it’s one of my proudest moments.
#14 Good For Granny
My dear grandmother, she had a quick and savage wit. My fiance and I held a ‘meet the whole family’ get together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother. His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut. He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiance was a mischief maker when he was young. Then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip Joe for being bad. My frail little grandmother stared directly at my hubby’s dad’s tummy and said, “Your belt? How could you find it?” Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
#15 Maybe That Kid Was Dumb?
My science teacher assigned a really hard test and almost everyone failed. Everyone complained and she responded with, “Someone got a 93%, so it’s not impossible.” Then this one kid in the back said, “The answer key doesn’t count Mrs. Teacher”.
#16 Good And True
A neighborhood kid was picking on my daughter, and she replied with, “I’m sorry you are so sad.” The kid just walked away.
#17 Good Grades, Decent School
I have two little brothers and it was my dad’s birthday. The semi-extended family was all at a restaurant to celebrate. I had just graduated from my dad’s alma mater, and my middle brother was currently a junior there. My youngest brother (a freshman), however, opted to go to a state school. At one point, my uncle said, “So, how does your dad feel about you breaking the trend of our men going to our alma mater?”
My little bro thought for a moment and then said, “Well, he probably doesn’t mind considering I also broke the trend of not being able to get higher than a 3.0.” The table exploded and my other brother and I just stared at each other across the table like holy heck, did we just get ended?? It was especially funny because my little bro was one of those shy high school kids who went off to college and came back fun and socially confident. I was hoping that development would happen, I just never expected it to stab me in the face.
#18 One Perfect Line
“I’ve been called much worse by people much better.”
#19 I Know You Have A Boss
The president of a company I worked for a few years back, and who was basically like a dad to me, had the best story about his mom. She was a school teacher, but had saved meticulously, and purchased a Cadillac using cash. A stipulation of the sale was that she did absolutely not want stock speakers in the vehicle, she wanted a good sound system. Looking down on her car after picking it up, she could see into the rear window, noting that the speakers were definitely stock. She returned to the dealership the next day to confront the salesman, who copped a serious attitude and contended that she hadn’t asked for higher grade speakers. Her super classic response, “Why don’t you go get me your boss. I know you have a boss.” She returned the vehicle and purchased one from a separate dealership.
#20 Way To Go, Lunch Lady
The lunch lady got me in front of my whole class. Tuna fish was for lunch. I said, ” Tuna fish? I’d rather a poop sandwich! ” Without missing a beat, this 80-year-old lady fires back, “Wait right there, I can make you one in the back”. Needless to say, I went with the tuna.
#21 Genetic Joke
“You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
#22 That Is Dark
I was sitting in a bar at 3 a.m. off of Bourbon St. The windows were just open shutters. A dude who just left the bar leaned in on our table to shout at some friends who were still in the bar. One person in our group made a snide comment. The dude leaning in smacked the table with an open palm and said, “Everybody who ever loved you was wrong.” Then he walked away without looking back. We still revel in that story.
#23 Chill Response Is The Best Response
Naturally, because they couldn’t get a rise out of me, everybody tried to get me flustered by insulting me or framing me for things that no teacher ever believed because it was never the quiet kid. Essentially, I walked into class one day, and the teacher wasn’t there, but this other girl, S, was up at the whiteboard writing out a long-running joke about our teacher that ticked him off.
It was about his assigned teacher number, and two years of developing a joke is a bit hard to explain. It became a bit of an inside joke. Either way, I sat down, she finished, and the teacher came in, noticing what was written on the board. He asked who did it, and immediately, this girl and a few of the girls around her said, “S did it!” Note, we were about 15 at the time, so they should have been beyond this.
I don’t know what it was, but something made me wordlessly walk up to the board, fix her spelling and punctuation errors, and then sit down. Only when I had sat down did I turn to the girl who’d done it to say, “I have standards.” The class collectively lost their stuff, including the girls who hadn’t seen it coming, and the teacher laughed so hard he went red in the face and cried.
#24 Sometimes The Best Thing Is Nothing
“Everyone thinks you’re a jerk.” “Well, you know what everyone thinks about you? Nothing. No one ever thinks about you. I know I don’t.”
#25 No Questions
“You know who asked about you the other day? Nobody.”
#26 You Burn And Self Burn
Another one of my favorite quips from a show is, “I’d tell you to go to hell, but I never want to see you again.”
#27 And It Feels Fine
“How do you sleep at night?” “On a bed made of money.”
#28 Double Burn
A street hustler was trying to hand out CDs and an overweight gentleman walked by saying, “No thanks.” The hustler replied, “If it was a donut, you’d eat it.” Then, the overweight gentleman snapped back, “If it was a dollar, you’d beg for it.”
#29 So You Live Here?
I was at a Jets home game, back when they shared the stadium with the Giants. Someone wearing a Jets jersey said to someone wearing a Miami Dolphins uniform: “This is our house!” The dude in Miami Dolphins uniform replied, “You’re in Giants stadium, jerk.”
#30 Implications And Accusations
I was playing spades one time and a guy tried to lead the game off with a spade. I told him he couldn’t do that; spades have to be broken first. He refused to play by the rules, so I refused to play. He then started singing, “The wheels on the bus go round and round,” to imply that I was acting like a child. He asked me, “Do you know why I’m singing that?” I said, “Yeah because I’m taking you to school.”
#31 Your Insult Came True
A real raisin of a woman made fun of me in front of a group of people for being so pale. I looked her in her leathery eyes and said, “Well, at least I won’t die of skin cancer.” She later died of skin cancer, and I felt a little like a jerk. She was the nurse in the high school I taught at. The group of women I was with were all teachers at that school, myself included. After she died, I was terrified someone would remember I said that and call me out, but no one ever said anything.
#32 Not Hard To Predict That One
Patting myself on the back for this one. I was helping a kid in class and a big bully kid said I was a nerd for helping. I told him, “Well, at least I’m graduating”, the whole class went “Ohhhhhhhhh.” I thought I had to fight the guy after, so I watched my back the rest of the day. He didn’t end up graduating; instead, he spent a few years in jail.
#33 Languages Are Fun
I was in Paris with a couple of friends and we were in the subway. I did not speak any French, only a little Spanish, but my friend was practically fluent. We were talking and joking in English, and these two French women were talking bad about us in French, mostly saying how we were dirty Americans. As we left the subway, my friend smiled and told them in perfect French, “We’re going to go get cleaned up, too bad there’s no shower for your personality!”
#34 Good Devil Burn
A crotchety old bat from my grandparent’s church said, “Why can’t you be more like Michael, he’s such an angel” Me, a 15-year-old intellectual who knew Michael did things that would straighten the perm out of her hair, replied, “If you’d actually read the Bible, you’d know Lucifer was an angel too”.
#35 Good Comeback But Still Sad
I was an artsy weird kid with poor fashion sense and little care for what others thought of me. I’d never expressed interest in anyone; no one had ever asked me out, so it just wasn’t even on my radar as a possibility. I was sitting with my friends and this guy sauntered up, trying his best to look macho, and he asked me out.
I could see behind him a group of his friends watching intently and all kinda snickering or whispering to each other, so I figured it as a joke. I sneered, told him no, in a rather impolite way, and he immediately looked super embarrassed, then shuffled quickly back to his friends. Turns out, he had been trying to ask me out for like two weeks and they all pushed him into it. I never managed to both have the courage and catch him alone in order to apologize, since I left the school a few months later.
#36 You Don’t Have To Be Deaf To Sign
My mom majored in Education of the Deaf in college for a while. She and a friend of hers, both hearing, would often practice sign language together. One time, they were out at a restaurant and signing to each other, and some waiters or something didn’t realize they could hear and were making fun of them. They didn’t say anything until they got up to leave.
#37 Literally Calling Names
My now deceased ex-husband was hurling nasty names at me as I was packing up my stuff to leave him. I had caught him cheating on me with another girl earlier. He was calling me every nasty name; the b-word, c-word, etc. So I said, “Is that the best you can come up with?” The worst thing I ever been called is your Mrs.” Best. Thing. Ever.
#38 Good For That Kid
In 7th grade, I basically had no friends except for this girl named Carla, who was this completely dumb, pompous witch, proud of her “evil” and tyrannical attitude. There was a substitute teacher who couldn’t give any less care about what was going on in the class. Everyone was talking, being middle schoolers, until Carla and I started arguing.
Then the entire class shut up to listen in, even the sub. I don’t remember what the argument was about, but what I do remember is her saying to me, “I could think of a thousand things wrong with you.” And the hot, black sheep bad boy of the school spoke up from the corner of his class saying, “You know what’s really sad Carla? Is that you can think of a thousand things wrong with everything here, but not one thing wrong with yourself.” Pretty sure I blushed for at least a full minute and a half.
#39 Oh, So THEY Were The Discomfort
The greatest comeback I ever heard was delivered by my uncle. He was sick in the hospital, dying of lymphoma. His ex-wife and current girlfriend were both visiting and seemed to be a little competitive with each other. The doctor came in to take his vitals, so he ordered the two women out of the room for a few minutes.
They had been fluffing his pillow, filling his ice water, covering his feet with a blanket, making sure he had books to read, etc. Basically, both were using their nervous energy to dote on him. After they left the room, the doctor proceeded with checking my uncle’s vitals. The doctor asked, “Are you experiencing any pain or discomfort?” My uncle replied, “Nope, they just left.”
#40 Took Him A Minute
I was in 4th grade and I was obsessed with mirrors. My mom knew this and let me take her compact mirror she used to apply lipstick to school with me. A bully on the playground approached me with his friends because they wanted to use the ball I was playing with. He told me to give him the ball. I said no. He said I was ugly and all of his friends did the whole “Ohhhh” sound.
So, I asked him what was uglier than ugly. He said what? I opened the mirror and showed him his reflection. He stood there not knowing what to say. One of his friends got the joke and started cracking up and one by one, everyone else understood until everyone was laughing. The bully didn’t understand it and two or three of his friends all explained it to him. To this day, I’ve never seen somebody’s face turn as red as he did. He never bothered me again and his friends became my friends.
#41 Savage Truth Burn
My buddies and I were in college, walking back from a bar fairly late in the evening. A homeless man kept annoyingly hounding us about giving him some money. He followed us a block or so and exclaimed, “Oh, so you’re too cool to give me money… where do you think you’re going ignoring me like that?” My buddy looked back and said one word to end it all: “HOME!” It took us a minute to realize how bad he just ended this man’s whole career! We thought the man would react verbally or violently towards the remark, but instead he just immediately stopped following us. He started walking away with his head down, but we didn’t feel bad for him. He shouldn’t have harassed us like that—homeless or not, that’s not how you should treat any stranger. We still talk about it to this day.
#42 When You Wish Upon A Star
A group of my friends and I were at a beach around a campfire looking at the stars. My friend said to my other friend’s sister, who had been annoying him all day: “I am going to name that star after you. Because I wish you were that far away.”
#43 I Guess He Got What He Wanted
When my ex and I broke up, he told me that one of the reasons was because he “didn’t like dating someone who was smarter than him.” There were other reasons we broke up as well, but this one stuck with me. A few months later, a night of bad decisions led to us hooking up. We didn’t talk for a few weeks until he texted me: “You passed something on to me.”
I informed him I couldn’t have given him anything because I had been tested a week before we hooked up and hadn’t been with anyone else in the last two months (so there was no chance of an incubation period messing up test results). He continued to accuse me, but eventually, he admitted it might have come from one of the other people he had been with that month.
He went on to accuse a series of women in the same manner that he accused me. Turns out, he had a girlfriend had been cheating on and his girlfriend said she was now showing the same symptoms as him. When I asked what she had, because I clearly needed to get tested, he couldn’t tell me because she refused to tell him. Meanwhile, his girlfriend was running her mouth around town telling people I was a harbor of disease.
I went to the doctor and got tested for everything. Eventually, my ex texted me, saying his girlfriend had a mild yeast infection. But instead of talking to her doctor, she decided to accuse and spread rumors about me. After all that, I was angry at both of them. My ex said, “I haven’t gotten my results back but she told me the medications she is on…it’s a freaking yeast infection.” Me, ”Well, when you said that you didn’t want to date a girl who was smarter than you, I didn’t realize how serious you were…”
#44 If You Don’t Have Anything Smart To Say, Don’t Say Anything At All
“It’s better to let everyone think you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and actually prove it.” Keep in mind I don’t use this on just anybody, I’ve only ever used it on this one kid who is just stupid. The kid thought New Mexico was in Mexico and that Mexico was a state of the US. This was in Honors History. He also got the Holocaust mixed up with Hanukkah. He bullied me mercilessly at my old school, and I’ve had the bad luck of having him in at least one class every year at public school.
#45 The Motto Of Teachers Everywhere
One of my wife’s favorite T-shirts says, “I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”