April 13, 2020 | Maria Cruz

People Share The Funniest Things They’ve Heard Someone Say In Their Sleep

Are you the kind of person who talks in their sleep? Maybe you’re just the lucky individual who gets to hear what others say. Whatever side of the coin you fall on, there’s nothing wackier than what someone muses about in their sleep.


#1 What’s the Deal With Yogurt?

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to study abroad in Italy. My roommate at the time, who was also an American, rolled over in his sleep and said, "Yogurt, am I right?" I laughed and quietly replied, "Haha, yeah, buddy." He, in his sleep, said back to me, "Hey, man, whatever." It was honestly pretty hilarious.


#2 Fight Me For It

My son appeared in my bed in the middle of the night. Generally, this isn’t a problem at all since he's a little kid. But, as little kids do, he kept kicking me in his sleep. I tried to move him over and he just uttered, "Face me, Jedi." Not going to lie, I wasn’t prepared for that, so I left and slept on the couch.


#3 You’re Fired, Oven

This happened when I tried to wake up my mom for her night job at the time. I was about 14 years old, but I still remember it. I walked up to her and heard her say, "Mhm… the oven." So, I asked her, “The oven, mom?” But, she kept talking and said, “... stupid darn oven. You’re fired.” I was dying with laughter.


#4 The Toilet Paper Said… 

My mom woke my grandma up after she had worked the night shift to sign a permission slip for a school trip. When my mom got to school, the teacher yelled at her and told her that she couldn’t go because she “faked” the note. The note read, “My daughter may go on the school trip this afternoon. Sincerely, toilet paper.” They still hang the note (now laminated) on the tree every Christmas.


#5 Brother, Help Me

I was asleep one night before I got married. I bolted upright and practically screamed, "Brother, help me! I’m getting married!” I then slammed back down onto the bed, completely asleep. My now-wife absolutely lost it laughing. The funniest part of it all is I didn't even know it happened until she told me about it in the morning.


#6 You’ll Wake the Veggies

When I was about eight years old, I woke up and felt sick. Naturally, I went to my parent’s room to wake up my mom. I tapped her and she sleep-mumbled, “Be quiet, the vegetables are still sleeping.” For some reason, it freaked me out a lot. I didn’t know what to do, so I went back to my room and started crying.


#7 Just One Question

“Why are you sleeping with him, you harlot?!” I was a senior in high school and my uncle was staying at our house for the weekend. His new wife, of about six months, was with him. To be courteous, we let them stay in my room and I stayed in my brother’s room. I have a history of outlandish sleepwalking and talking. In the middle of the night, I walked into my bedroom and started screaming at my new aunt, calling her a harlot. My mother came out and walked me back to bed. Luckily, she has a great sense of humor and reminds me about it every time I see her.


#8 I Mean, Probably

My husband recently asked me, "Did I just have a dream about women's awareness?" Unaware that he was still asleep, and wondering why on earth he was asking me that question at 3:00 a.m., I replied, "I don’t know. You probably did." It’s not that funny, but it was just so random that we still laugh about it now.


#9 Mind Your Business

In college, I had a roommate who would talk in his sleep occasionally. One time, in the middle of the night, he said, "Dude. Dude, I need to tell you something important." He sounded very earnest and I wasn't quite asleep yet, so I said, "Okay, what is it?" Suddenly, he yelled, “It’s none of your business!” and was silent for the rest of the night.


#10 Get Up, Fish

I also had a college roommate who was a big-time sleep talker. He was the most jacked dude I've met and kind of intimidating, even though he was a giant teddy bear. One time, a guy I knew from high school spent the night in our room. He had some trouble getting to sleep while I was working on a paper. At about midnight, my roommate sat bolt upright and stared daggers at the prospective member. He then screamed in his meanest, most booming voice, "All right, fish. Get up. I'm going to smoke you." I don't think the poor dude got back to sleep.


#11 Butt Massages

One night, my girlfriend randomly said, "He wants to give her butt massages." I asked her what she meant and she replied, “ He wants to give her butt massages." I asked, “Who?” and she just repeated herself even louder. I told her that I didn’t understand, but she went back to snoring, so I never got an answer.


#12 Illiterate Canadian

When she was asleep, my sister carried on a conversation with me about needing to go pick up a woman named Natalie from the airport. We only knew one person named Natalie and hadn’t seen her in several years. Another time, I called my wife “an illiterate Canadian” in my sleep. She’s neither illiterate nor Canadian.


#13 Philip’s First Time

I’ll always remember this one time when I overheard my partner say, “This is Philip’s first time at the zoo!” For a bit of context, Philip is the name of my stuffed giraffe. It would seem that my partner was dreaming that we took my stuffed giraffe to the zoo to see the other giraffes. I hope Philip had a good time.


#14 Back to Life

My little brother was sleeping in the afternoon and I went to wake him up before he slept too much. As soon as I opened the door, he scrambled up and said, "I'm back!" in the sleepiest voice ever. I started laughing and asked him, “Back from what?” This kid then replied, "I'm back to life." I couldn’t help it, I lost it.


#15 Speed Racer

My friend sang most of the Speed Racer theme song. I told him the next day I didn't know he knew so many of the words, and he said, "I didn't either." He couldn't recite any of it past the first line. Also, one time my mom woke my dad up for work and he jerked up and crossed his index fingers together facing her like a crucifix.


#16 Early Introductions

On one of my first nights staying over at my girlfriend's house, I apparently rolled over in the middle of the night to say, "Hello, my name is Tenacal" before rolling over going back to sleep. I've not been reported sleep talking in the four years since, but apparently, I felt the need to introduce myself early on.


#17 The Better-Tasting One

My ex used to tell a story about me. He got out of bed one morning and I sat bolt upright and turned my head in his direction without opening my eyes. I then asked, "Which console do you want?" He then replied, “... X-Box?” I nodded solemnly and said, “Mm, tastes better.” Then I laid back down and continued snoring.


#18 Biggest Clue

My wife once shot straight up in her sleep, turned her head like she was looking around (her eyes were still closed) and loudly stated, "Zatarains" before immediately laying down and starting to snore again. I think it was on that day that I knew I could not live without this woman. I’ll always remember that night.


#19 I Told You Once

I’m the sleep talker in my relationship and my partner definitely knows this. However, my partner got so freaked out one night that he woke me up when I started whispering in my sleep with my eyes half-open. At first, he thought I was awake, so he moved closer to hear me, which is when I screamed, “I said get out!”


#20 Family of Talkers

I’m the only person in my family who doesn't talk in their sleep. My brother is a big gamer and once, I heard him go, “Come on, Sora.” He doesn't even play Kingdom Hearts that much. My mother is terrified of Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean . One night, she had her hands up like she was holding on to something and was quietly going, “Aaaah!”

When I asked her the next day, she told me she was holding onto a rope and swinging across a ship trying to escape Jones. And then there's my dad. I passed by their bed once and he yelled, “Let's go! I'll beat you right here and now!” It really scared me. He doesn't remember who he was dreaming of fighting, though.


#21 No, Mr. Krabs

One time, a friend of mine was over and we had a 50-hour game marathon. We went to bed shortly after, but in the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the washroom. When I came back from the toilet, I heard my friend say, “No, Mr. Krabs, stop touching me" in his sleep. He was 16 years old when all of this happened.


#22 A Coffee Run

I was sleeping next to my sister and my friend was sleeping on the couch next to my bed. I woke up to my sister ordering a coffee in her sleep. I had a laugh and started waking up. A few minutes later, my friend started ordering coffee, too. He must have heard her "getting coffee" and decided he wanted one as well.


#23 Let’s Go to McDonald’s

My ex used to sometimes talk in her sleep. One night, I was up really late and was just watching TV when I heard her say, very clearly, "Let's get McDonald's." I thought that was a great idea, so I got up and started getting dressed. After I was done, I went back to wake her and she was out. I shook her a couple of times and said, "Let's go, I'm ready." She finally woke up and said, "What? No, it's late. Go to bed."

I was pretty disappointed because I totally thought she wanted to go, so I had to get undressed again and go back to bed. Looking back, I totally should have known that was just her talking in her sleep. However, I didn’t want to accept that as the reality and chose to believe I was going to get some McDonald's.


#24 Where Are the Lobsters?

Occasionally, I talk in my sleep. According to my wife, I once asked, “Are they in here?” My wife asked me who I meant and I just replied, “The lobsters.” I've never been to the ocean or even eaten a lobster in all my life. So, to this day, I honestly have no idea why I was concerned about them being in our room.


#25 The Letter “T”

A former friend of mine used to crash at my apartment every weekend when we were in college. One weekend, my then-fiance decided to hang out on the couch instead of sleep, play video games, etc. So, my friend stayed in our room with me. I never knew she was a sleep talker, but got woken up in the middle of the night because she was poking me while chanting, "T is for teeth."


#26 Language of the Apes

One night, my sister woke up our whole family because she was screaming like a chimpanzee. She told us that she was dreaming that she was a zoologist and learned to communicate with the apes. Well, they turned on her and wanted to hurt her, so she naturally started screaming like a monkey at the top of her lungs .


#27 Cheese String Monster

I actually have a recording of a sleep-talking incident, but it was one of the recent girls I tried to date. This one night, she invited me to stay over at her place, so I took her up on the offer. While asleep, she was talking about me, calling me a cheese string monster. She also said that I was going to eat her.


#28 What I Think

One time, my girlfriend yelled, “Thank you! Have a good day!” It woke her up and I was like, “What was that?” And she said, “I talked in my sleep! I thought I was at work! Leave me alone.” Then she got up to go to the washroom. While making eye contact with me from the bathroom, she let one rip and said, “That’s what I think of you!” I came to find out that she was asleep the entire time.


#29 That’s My Pillow

I was at a party and I stayed overnight with some friends. There were eight of us: four sleeping on the couches and four on some mattresses. Mind you, it was about 4:30 in the morning and we just got to sleep. At one point, one of my friends came into the room to take one of the mattresses. He was halfway through the door, mattress under arm, when one of my other friends bolted up screaming, "Stop trying to steal my pillow!"

The poor guy was mortified and tried to explain he wasn't trying to steal anything, but she continued shouting. In the end, she stopped and went back to sleep. We found out later that morning that she didn't remember a thing and proceeded to profusely apologize for the rest of the day. To this day, it's still the funniest interaction I've ever witnessed.


#30 Late-Night Science

I have a habit of sleep talking in a way where you can't always tell I'm asleep. Like, I'll walk out into the living room and sit down on the couch, maybe even get a drink out of the fridge. Nobody would know the difference until I said or did something dumb. The best one so far is when I sat and had a normal conversation with my fiance for 20 minutes.

He actually thought that I was awake until I just spouted off, "I wonder how the sun works." I don't even remember saying it or any of what happened. I was completely asleep the entire time. But I woke up to the jarring sound of him laughing his head off. He said, "It's literally on fire, that's how it works!"


#31 Let’s Dance 

Oh man, my best friend used to talk in her sleep when we were teenagers so much. It was sometimes to the point where she was having conversations she didn’t remember. One time, she rolled over to face me and screamed. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “The Vietnamese are coming!” Another time, she grabbed my arm and said, “Let’s dance.” I asked what dance and she said, “...the tango.” She then rolled over and went right back to sleep.


#32 The Product For You

Sometime in the late ‘90s, my dad was asleep on the couch while the rest of us watched Tv. It was late at night and everyone was sleepy. A commercial came on that asked, “Are you concerned about hair loss?” My dad, who was asleep at the time and even snoring loudly, answered with an emphatic, “Heck yes I am.”

The guy in the commercial then went on to say something like, “Well, we have the product for you,” to which my dad replied, “Well, show it to me, man.” He then began snoring again. It was one of the funniest moments of my life. He had absolutely no recollection of it when he woke up, but we made fun of him for it for the rest of his life.


#33 The Rabbits Are Out of Control

This one time, probably in 2004 or so, my husband started shouting, “Ahh! The rabbits are setting everything on fire! Help me!” Apparently, there were rabbits with flamethrowers causing chaos everywhere in his dream. He was furious at me for not doing anything to stop them. I was helpless with laughter in the bed next to him.


#34 Clown Boogers

When I was younger, my family and I used to watch movies together at night every now and then. A few times, my little brother would fall asleep and my mom would mess with him. Once, we woke him and told him to, "Go to the dining room table and eat your clown boogers." He did so, still half asleep, and my mom was just like, "Are they good?" He just nodded and replied, "Mhmm.” Our laughter woke him up.


#35 Two Versus One

My husband sleepwalks and talks. His eyes remain wide open but he’s 100% asleep. I, on the other hand, am a light sleeper. One night, I woke up to him hovering over me and I was startled. I asked, “What are you doing?” and he said, “It’s two versus one, babe.” After looking around the room, ensuring no one else is with us, I gently pushed him back over and he resumed snoring.


#36 It’s Him

My husband once sat up, shook me until I woke up, pointed at the closet door and said, "It's him." When I asked who he was talking about, he chuckled and laid back down. For some godforsaken reason, he then began snoring about 20 seconds later and fell back asleep. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep much after that.


#37 My Favorite Dishwasher

I didn't hear it because I was the one saying it, which made my ex somewhat mad, but she still laughed loudly enough to wake me up. Apparently, I brushed up against her, gave her a hug, squeezed her chest and said, "Mmmm, you are my favorite dishwasher ever!" She didn't like being thought of as a dishwasher, but the statement was too absurd for her to not laugh at it.


#38 Hairy Situation

My roommate went to sleep before me one night. A bit later on in the evening, when I walked by her bed to go to sleep, she sat up a bit to look at me. She then faced me and said, "Your hair… ugly" and immediately laid back down. She swears that she does actually like my hair, but I don’t know what to think anymore.


#39 Airing Grievances

I have a very overactive brain, so talking in my sleep is pretty regular. I've even walked in my sleep a few times. When I was renting a room from my uncle years ago, he said I walked out to the living room where he was hanging out. I stared at him and mumbled, “God, my sister and her nonsense, man. I don't get it, dude.” I then went back to bed. I don't remember any of it.


#40 Pink Bodysuits

My ex-husband, back when we were dating, woke me up one night and was talking in his sleep. I thought he was awake because he was speaking in such coherent sentences. The first sentence I was fully listening to was, "Yes, hi. Do you have any pale pink bodysuits?" Um… what on earth were you dreaming about, sir?


#41 I’m a Little Busy Here

One time, my mom woke up from a nightmare and was feeling anxious. She turned to my dad, who was sitting up, and she told him about it. She was comforted that he was awake and was able to fall back asleep quickly. She woke up again a little while later, looking over to see he was still sitting up. "You're still awake?" she asked. My dad replied in an annoyed tone, "Yeah, and I'm going to be too until I can find a way to get this boat in the water without getting my feet wet."


#42 The Pickle King

My wife, for some reason, once said, "Don't trust the Pickle King, he's a tyrant!" A different time, she was trying to eat her phone and said it needed to toast some more. After that, our cat hopped up on the bed, and she said, "Look, a black muffin, I want to cuddle it!" My wife has her hilarious sleep moments.


#43 I Mean it This Time

I was sleeping on the couch and my dad was sitting in the chair next to it. He heard me mumbling something unintelligible and said it sounded like I was cussing someone out. All of a sudden, he said I sat straight up, opened my eyes and yelled, "And I mean it!" before flopping back down and going back to sleep. I have no memory of this happening.


#44 Sleepy Natterings

I’m a serial sleep talker and my girlfriend texts me quotes during the night sometimes. One time, I asked, "Can I ask you a question? In Harry Potter, why do they measure their biceps near their shoulders and not around their biceps? It’ll give them the wrong circumference. God knows why they were even measuring their biceps .... they’re wizards. She could write a book from my sleepy natterings.


#45 The Black Waffle

Apparently, I was camping with my Girl Scout troop and I was the only one who had fallen asleep. I had said a few things that the rest of my troop didn't understand. But the one thing they did understand was me saying, "No, not the black waffle." At this point, I’m also still confused as to what I meant by that.


#46 It’ll Be Fun

One time, my husband woke me up really excited and went, “Trade places with me!” He then started climbing over me. I was very sleepy and confused, so I asked, “Why?” Then he said, “It will be fun!” He woke up the next morning and fell out of bed onto the dog thinking he was on the other side of the bed. He then wanted to know why I was in his spot.


#47 He’s a Keeper

My then-girlfriend once fell asleep on my couch and started talking in her sleep. I distinctly remember her saying things like, "I love his little dimple... he's just the cutest and he doesn't even know it... the ones that don't know it are always the cutest... he's a keeper..." She's my wife now, which makes me happy.


#48 Thing Thing Thing

My wife was sound asleep and I had to help her get up and get ready for work. She needed something from the dresser, but she couldn’t quite get it in her head. So, she said, half-asleep, “hand me that thing over there.” I asked what thing she meant and she said, “You know. The thing the person place thing book noun thing thing thing!”


#49 We Need the Beans

My husband says random things all of the time when he’s asleep. Most recently, he was panicked and asked me if "we had the beans. If we don't have the beans, we can't be free." Nothing he ever says makes much sense. The good news is that for an insomniac like myself, his random musings always keep me laughing.


#50 Milk Pockets

This one time, I remember my girlfriend told me that she heard me talking in my sleep. According to her, I asked, “Why are you being so sneaky with the numbers?” She was confused and replied, “What numbers?” I responded, “The ones on the inside of the milk pockets.” Even now, I have no idea what I was talking about.



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