Never Again: Online Dating Stories From Our Nightmares
These horror stories from the true experiences of real people are a sign of caution for anyone considering trying online dating for the first time. And they can get crazy, really crazy. These cautionary tales range from absolutely hilarious to utterly disturbing—and we couldn’t stop reading them.
#1 The Oedipal Deal
It ended up being a double date with his mom and her OkCupid date. He told me that he and his mom were a “package deal.” I was mortified. There was no second date.
#2 Hollywood Escape
On OkCupid, summer 2006, I met a girl in West Hollywood and we went to dinner. She turned out to be way bigger than her pictures, insanely rich, was Ozzie Osborn’s cardiologist’s daughter or something like that, and had a bad substance habit. The whole date she was doing stuff in the bathroom and barely ate her food. Then afterward, we went back to her place where she visibly spiked my drink with a mickey.
Then she asked me to tie her up, and then refused to allow me to drive my car out of her garage, leaving me to wait in my car all night until the morning when I followed someone out. She called three days later to say that I caused her miscarriage. I did not know she was pregnant.
#3 Petty Theft
When I worked as a bartender for a while, this one girl who was a regular came in and told me about an awful Tinder date she had. Not sure of the specifics, but it wasn’t bad enough for her to not bring him home afterward. He leaves the next morning, she brushes it off as a one-night stand, and a few days later, her debit card gets declined.
Odd, since she is a bartender herself at a fairly busy place in our city and is good about saving and usually flush with cash. She goes to check her debit card and it turns out there were a bunch of charges at Best Buy, Grubhub, a bunch of other stuff. Curious, she checks her credit card too. There she found a bunch of charges for streaming services—Netflix, Hulu, everything.
She goes to confront the guy and finds out he deleted his profile. But she remembers a friend they had in common on Facebook. She reaches out to the mutual friend to try and track him down and it turns out he did the exact same thing to that mutual friend. I’m not sure of the outcome, but she was out for blood after a mediocre hookup turned into a serious case of identity theft.
#4 Laying My Eyes on You
I messaged a girl who wanted to meet up, so I go out to the coffee shop and she’s not there. I ask her what’s up and she totally admits to being a dude catfishing me just so he could check me out in public, and goes on a rant about what a shame it is that I’m a lesbian because he’d totally sleep with me. I feel like the creepiest part for me was that he never once tried to get naked pics or anything, which I’d at least understand the effort for, he just wanted to stare at me in public.
#5 Up in Palms
I made the mistake of taking this girl out around my friends. She started reading palms and telling everyone they were going to have miscarriages and abortions. Everyone.
#6 Hands to Yourself
This woman seemed really cool. We were both 25, she’d just finished her masters, and was job hunting. She was fit, witty, and had piercings. I was a fan. We meet. Well, fit was apparently five years prior, but there was a 70-85 lb. difference from photo to reality and she was “trying to get back to her normal weight” and so thought it appropriate to use the older photos.
I’m a pretty fit guy and have always been fairly health conscious so this doesn’t appeal to me, but we can be friends. She’s witty though, so we talk. Where’s the wit? I toss her a couple of verbal jousts. Nothing. It turns out her roommate had been helping her reply to messages. That’s cool, I can be friends with nice people who aren’t witty.
Okay, well her nose ring is actually a weirdly shiny wart that she tries to pass off as a nose ring because she’s embarrassed by it. All of this isn’t the worst part though. We were out for dinner and went to a decent gourmet pizza joint with low lights, thin crusts, and wine. Without asking, she reaches over and starts picking toppings of my pizza. Pardon me, but keep your hands off my prosciutto! It was unforgivable.
#7 Got a Spare
I met a woman for a date and there wasn’t lot of chemistry, but she worked two interesting jobs, and there were no real warning signs. For a second date she invites me to this picnic campout thing where she didn’t know the people very well. We talk about how most of her friends are guys and most of mine are girls. She says she is bringing her “crew” along. The crew turns out to be another guy and 2 dogs.
I engage the guy, he is super friendly and nice, spends his time fetching things for her, playing with children. We know some of the same people. After about 5 hours that I’m sitting alone with her, and ask, “How long have you known Tim?” She says, “Oh, I meet him through OkCupid 3 months ago. He’s going through a divorce and he’s not sure if he is going to have his kids or not, and I don’t want to date anyone with children.”
After a movie date with a guy I met on Tinder, we went back to my place. I told him we could hang for a bit but I have work in the morning so I would need to go to sleep soon. Dude said that was fine, but he was hungry and he was going to order food. Ok sure. Dude orders 2 large subs from PotBelly and a milkshake. Downs it. No judgment, he’s 6’4, 210 lbs., younger still growing, by all means. I didn’t think anything of it until later.
We end up messing around a bit and fall asleep in bed. I wake up to my front door opening and closing several times over a 5-minute period. My dogs are going nuts, and it’s 1 AM. What the heck is this guy doing? I open the door to my room that opens up to the rest of my apartment and my bathroom is to the left where the light is on and the door is wide open, I walk around the corner—and almost puke. I instantly make eye contact with Dude who is in a squatting position over my toilet, with a stick, poking around in murky brown poop water that is millimeters from overflowing onto my bathroom floor.
Horrified, he yells, “Stop looking at me! Go back to bed! I have it under control!” I’m still waking up trying to understand what I’m seeing and what’s going on, and I just start nervous laughing I don’t know what else to do. He yells, “Why don’t you have a plunger?!?” And I said I don’t know I never needed one until now!! He tells me to go back to bed he has it under control, I’m so disturbed, tired, can’t process what’s happening and have work in the morning I go back to bed. I remember hearing him peek in my room a bit later and heard, “I fixed it,” and then heard him leave and my door close behind him.
The next morning. I hesitantly approach my toilet to find the water is down. But there is something poking out from the bottom of the toilet like he didn’t get it all. Upon further inspection, what I was seeing was the tip of a stick. Some gloves, towels and BBQ tongues later I pulled out approximately 3 foot of stick from my toilet that had broken off, followed by several other stick fragments.
Dude had broken several sticks. I heard my door open and close so much because he was going outside to look for a stick, one would break, he’d go get another. Dude had left drippy poop water stains all over my bathroom floor. He also left my apartment so fast that he left his underwear, and undershirt and socks. After work that day, I went straight to the store and bought a plunger. Lesson learned.
#9 Worst First Kiss
I went on a date with a handsome, smart, funny guy who was getting his PhD in mechanical engineering. We had a fantastic time though he did get a little awkward with his humor at times. Normally I don’t kiss on the first date, but I had such a nice time, so when he walked me back to my car and went in for the kiss, I reciprocated. Holy. Ouch. Terrible.
I couldn’t get away. I made up some lame excuse, “I gotta go let the dog out,” and left. The next morning, I woke up with a bruised lip. Five days later, I went to the ER, sicker than I’d ever been. It Turned out I had mono AND strep throat. I wrote him a text apologizing saying that he might want to go to the doctor…his response? “LOL. I had that.” He gave it to me.
#10 Punning Photos
My dad had been on Match.com for about three months with some success as he’s a tall Australian man who’s decent looking so he had some interest. One weekend he got sent his first “sexy pic” which he thought had strange, but brushed it off. Later that week he got six more pictures from the same woman. Before he blocked her, he decided that he would open them just for kicks.
Five of the pictures are just straight up coochie shots, which he said were incredibly unappealing and had terrible lighting. The sixth picture however was something different. The woman was standing in her bra in front of a mirror, no bottoms, winking, with a bunch of herbs shoved in her bra. Basil, parsley, thyme, all that good stuff. The caption on the picture was “spice rack.” She was swiftly blocked after my dad stopped laughing long enough to find the block button.
#11 Really Nosey
I went on a date after talking to this guy for a few weeks and I told him I was thinking of getting my nose pierced but was afraid it would hurt. We are walking through a park in broad daylight and this dude takes a safety pin out of his pocket and jams it through his nostril. Blood pours down his face. He laughs and says, “See? No big deal.”
#12 Blame It on the Mai Tai
I went on a Tinder date a couple months ago on a Sunday afternoon. I met up with the guy around 3, he had a really good energy and was funny and complimentary. The place we wanted to go had a long line, so we went to another restaurant on the water for a drink and appetizers. He started slamming down Mai Tais. I had one, he had 3. They were STRONG. Like, I was tipsy borderline drunk off of one. The bar had a 2 Mai Tai per person limit, but he found another bartender to get his 3rd.
He got drunker and drunker and started telling me he loved me, joking at first but getting increasingly serious. As we left, he asked me to marry him, I kind of laughed it off, and was like “maybe we take it slow, we just met each other.” He got so mad he stormed off and left me on a street corner. Then as soon as he got home around 5 PM, he started texting me “come over.” And “I miss you.” He was 43.
#13 Please Do Not Touch
I met a guy, chatted, and he seemed relatively normal. We go for our first date in a pub, a well-lit pub. We’re having a couple drinks, talking and whatnot, I see his hands under the table, moving around. It cannot be. OH. BUT IT IS. He was touching himself. Apparently, I was turning him on too much and he couldn’t help himself. The date ended pretty quickly after that.
The follow-up is when I got home, he’d sent me an epically long email about how I was fat and ugly and a tease and even worse things. Oh, and ended it with the phrase, “Don’t bother responding, because I will not read it.” Done and done!
#14 Following up in Person
We were supposed to meet at 9 PM. He fell asleep and called me at 9:30 when I was already at the carnival. I told him not to bother coming as I didn’t want to see him. He asked for another chance and I agreed. Unfortunately, my dad got really ill and had to spend the next six weeks in the hospital with me visiting him daily. I had no time for dates and he got extremely mad.
He made a fake Instagram account which he used to follow me and everybody that I followed. He then saw me in a friend’s Instagram story and showed up to the restaurant we were at. He called me a liar and we had to threaten to call the police because he would not leave.
#15 Kratomic Projectile
I went on a first date with a girl from Tinder at a Cajun restaurant in Dallas. I had read recently about some stuff called Kratom that is supposed to make you feel really relaxed and euphoric, and I had tried to make a tea from the recommended dosage the previous day, but I didn’t feel anything off of it. So, I figured if this stuff was supposed to make you be cool and euphoric then the best time to take it would be for a first date and since I didn’t feel anything from it the first time, I figured I should take more.
I wrapped a LOT of it up inside of balls of deli meat and swallowed those whole before the date. I then went to the lunch feeling nothing until I met the girl and sat down when I suddenly realized that something was seriously, seriously wrong. I came to the realization that I was a few seconds away from projectile vomiting up all that Kratom and deli meat in the middle the restaurant. I excused myself, got up from the table, made it a few steps towards the bathroom…and began to violently vomit.
At this point, I covered my mouth with my hands, began choking on my own vomit as I sprinted towards the bathroom, leaked a trail of vomit all over the floor in a path towards the bathroom, then continued to violently projectile vomit into the trash can in the bathroom. I then spent a while to clean my face and wash my arms and hands which were soaked in vomit. I then returned to the table and tried to survive the rest of the lunch date without dying of embarrassment. I felt like a huge jerk and was really embarrassed.
#16 Wetting the Bed
I met this girl on Tinder and went for a lunch date. We had a pretty good connection so we decided to have dinner as well. After having a few drinks, one thing led to another and we ended up back at my place. We hooked up and went to sleep. Middle the night I wake up. She’s intensely staring at me while she’s crouched behind the bed. I asked her if everything is alright, she said yes and got back into bed…I thought “little creepy, but probably nothing to worry about.” I was so wrong.
She lays down to cuddle with me and she’s wet. At the time, I was like “dang I must just be a stallion.” Fast forward to the morning, she’s gone and there’s a wet puddle beside the bed. She peed on my floor. I still don’t understand it. I had a bathroom, but maybe she just got lost and couldn’t hold it? I did not hear from her again.
#17 Just Like Mom
I talked to this guy for two weeks before we went out and no red flags so we ended up going out to dinner. I said I hadn’t been out in a while because I was trying to save money for a washer and dryer. He told me instead of saving for that I should save for a boob job. I didn’t even know how to reply so he followed up with, “No it’s not a bad thing, my sister and Mom both small chested and got boob jobs and they look amazing.”
This is all before the waitress even brought our drinks. I just got up and left.
#18 Night Out
This happened right as I decided to get into the dating scene after a traumatic end to a three-year relationship. It’s 12:45 AM and a Tinder match messages me asking what I’m doing, then invites me to go out with her. I think it’s a bit late, but the clubs are open for 3-4 more hours so why not? I should take opportunities, right? I’m a single man in his 20s for the first time.
She says she’ll pick me up and I put on cologne and a nice shirt, get ready to go out. I go to the car. My match is in the front passenger seat and her friend is driving. I think it’s pretty weird but having a friend along isn’t super off so I get in and ask which club we’re going to. “We’re not going out-out, just out.” My match says as we drive off. “Where are we going?” I ask, feeling a little uncomfortable. “Just into town,” she replies. I got a terrible feeling in my gut, but it was too late.
They drive to a nearby bridge with a carpark under it and park, turn the radio up and start chatting. The Girl driving pulls out a 1L bottle of chocolate milk and starts drinking it, everything they talk about is boring and they barely include me in conversation and start rolling cigarettes. After 15 minutes they get out of the car to have a smoke, I get out too.
My Tinder match is wearing fluffy white slippers that light up with each step. I turn and face them, “I appreciate you guys picking me up but this really isn’t my scene, I’m going to head off, have a nice night.” They were very offended.
#19 Chance McMeeting
This girl I matched with just messaged to mess with me. I was like, “Hey what’s up” and she was like “Don’t talk to me unless you plan on doing me.” I forgot what my reply was but she obviously never messaged back. Then a week later I’m getting McDonald’s and this girl was the one who handed me my food. She recognizes me instantly and just had this total look of fear in her eyes. I walked out of there so quick. That poor girl thought I purposely sought her out to confront her or something.
#20 Foot Problems
I went to his place and we hooked up, but after he goes “So you wanna know what I’m really into?” And I was like sure and then he grabs my foot. I have a really irrational fear of people touching my feet so I ran the heck out of there. Anyway I get to the living room on the way out and it turns out to be his parent’s house and I look at his mother and see she was my old therapist.
I matched with a girl and sent a lot of messages. Later that night we talked on the phone and the conversation was going really well so I asked to go out the next night. She agreed and then five minutes later she tells me that needs to tell me something. She tells me that she’s permanently in a wheelchair. So, I’m either a jerk if I back out now or a jerk if I lead her on.
I figure why not? It’s just a date and it could be a fun time still. We talk more that night and go to bed, the next morning she calls me early and tells me she’s doing something crazy. She won’t tell me what but she said she’ll show me later. A few hours go by and she calls me back and tells me she’s going to send me a pic of what she did—and my blood runs cold.
I check my messages and I see a picture of her wrist with my name now tattooed on it. We end the call and I immediately tell my friends about this crazy girl. Later that night I’m driving to her place because I figure, she can be committed enough to tattoo my name on her, I should be committed enough to go on this date. Plus, I have to know it it’s real.
I’m almost at her place and I realize that my car may not accommodate her wheelchair and I know she drives so I ask if she can drive us. I’m walking in the parking lot and she drives up and I get in the car. Now I had figured she had a handicapped enabled car. Nope. It turns out she just uses two crutches to drive, one on the gas and one on the brake. I don’t like this as we’re driving on the southern California freeways in traffic.
We go eat and she gets a phone call from her daughter. This is where things completely went off the rails. It turns out she left her 10-year-old daughter at home alone and she’s scared. I’m like hey we can go. But she’s like no it’s okay I gave her something to make her sleep she’ll be asleep soon. So, we finish up and I was going take her to see a movie, but the kid thing was too much so we head home and my fingers are already crossed that we make it when she turns to me while driving and says “Wow, I’m kind of drunk!”
In my head I’m like, one drink is all you had! But I ask if I can drive and she says no she’s going get in the fast lane and uses her crutch to hit the gas. I say my last prayers but we made it back to her place. So, I wheeled her back to her door said goodbye and lived. Tattoo was real though.
#22 No Biting
I met a guy, decent conversation, smart, funny, mutual nerdy hobbies. We decide to meet up at the local gamer bar and play some games while having our first date. Get in, sit down, dude has no teeth. He says a hack dentist told him they all had to be removed, couldn’t get dentures due to budget, needed to wait for bone shards go fall out of his gums, etc.
He proceeded to spit all over our food while talking, which granted, I knew he couldn’t help, but if he can hide something this big from someone, what else could he be hiding? Plus, I couldn’t stomach the thought of making out with someone with no teeth.
#23 All Mucked Up
Well I’ve only gone on one Tinder date, we talked for a bit and I agreed to pick her up at Starbucks. She looked nothing like her pictures, but I thought I should be nice and at least hang out with her for a bit. We went to her place and the entire house reeked like cat pee. Like saturated. Then as she proceeded to show me her massive collection of insane adult toys, she screamed at her chihuahua and smacked it right on the nose and without missing a beat just asks if I want to make out on the couch. I awkwardly sat down and pretended to look at my phone and made up that my grandma was dying so I could leave.
#24 Stealing Waves
I matched with this cute girl a few years back and we went out for drinks. It was going well and we decided to head out to the beach with a six pack to star gaze and make out. Somehow, we ended up on a stolen sailboat at 2 AM with her ex, an old drunken boat repairman who made copies of the keys to steal the boat, and her dog.
After arguing with her ex for thirty minutes she blacks out and falls asleep. Her dog is scared out of its mind and is pooping everywhere. Her ex starts tripping on acid and yells at me that I have to take care of her and never hurt her, then runs to the bow of the boat to finish his trip. The old drunken boat thief is just chilling and chugging vodka like it was water. I said screw this, cleaned up after the dog, and brought the poor pup inside the cabin with me, then passed out.
The next morning, I woke up to the girl and her ex screaming at each other about some car crash and whose fault it was. The old boat thief was gone and I had no clue where I parked. I left without them noticing, got some coffee and breakfast, and wandered around the harbor until I found my car. Never talked with her again, but I didn’t delete Tinder.
#25 Big Fish in a Small Pond
I’m chick of the fatter variety and I always post a current body shot because I don’t like people wasting my time if they’re not going to be into me. So, I was talking to this guy who seemed nice enough and he asked me to buy me dinner. Ok sure. He had only posted a face shot. When we met, he was easily clearing over 450 lbs. I wasn’t really into that but I stuck it out because he seemed like a nice person.
We get coffee first and then walked over to the restaurant. Now, I’m no athlete but I do like to hike and rough woods camp. I may not be winning any marathons but I can walk for miles. This poor dude was wheezing within 20 feet of walking. Clearly it was an effort for him. I felt bad for the guy, and I try to be open-minded, but I can’t date someone that unhealthy. We get to the restaurant, which was really good, and he tells me about himself and his life.
He told me about his roommate who was dating a crack head. They would sleep together all over the place with the doors open, do all kinds of hard drugs, and were just slovenly jerks. He also told me he was a Dom and started to imply we could go make out later and he would top me. I said I had to leave after dinner and scooted as soon as it was polite to do so. The story does not end there though—it just gets crazier.
6-7 months later I try my luck again, this time with a photographer. We got along ok, conversation went well, and in the course of the date he asked me about bad dates I’ve been on. I brought up the larger guy from before and mentioned the wheezing and the pushing to top me, and he asked if the guy was named XXX. It turns out I was on a date with the guy’s roommate.
I don’t use dating sites anymore.
#26 Un-Navy-like Behavior
I went on a date with a Navy boy who seemed smart and sweet online. He picks me up in this incredibly ostentatious yellow Camaro, which I have the sneaking suspicion he borrowed, as it was a stick and dude was having a heckuva time driving it. We decide to go walk on the boardwalk for a while, so he pulls into a parking garage. In his attempt to park the car, he completely sideswipes the car next to us—leaving yellow paint all across their car.
He didn’t even act like anything happened, so I say, “Umm, I think you may have hit the car next to us.” He gets out looks at it, then climbs back in and goes, “I guess we should park somewhere else,” and peels out before I could even say anything. Fast forward, the date is going poorly (a hit and run is never a good start) and it’s miserably hot out so we decide to see a movie. It happened to be Shrek The Final Chapter—a kid’s movie.
He has his feet on the seats in front of us, which is no big deal, until a dad holding his toddler daughter comes in and the only seats still open are the ones in front of us. The dad goes to sit down; Navy boy doesn’t move his feet. In fact, he even moves his feet forward a bit so that he hits the dad in the head. The dad looks back at us, and then Navy boy sighs heavily, takes his feet down, looks at me and goes, “My feet were there first.”
After the movie he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, I said no, he drops me off and asks when he can see me again, he had a great time. Married five years now! Just kidding, I took mental note of his license plates and called the parking garage. I did not him see again.
#27 Going the Extra Mile
After getting out of an incredibly long and unpleasant marriage, my mom joined Tinder. Stella wanted to get her groove back, and I was 100% on her team. I can’t emphasize enough that she was not looking for a long-term connection. Her work sent her out of state for a while and everything seemed perfect. She’s going to get her rando D and there’s no chance of it getting serious. She’s sending me screenshots of the guys she’s considering and I’m giving her tips on safety.
And then she picks a guy. I immediately tell her that he is not a wise choice. This guy’s profile is 98% red flags by volume. Whatever, she’s an adult, I literally cannot stop her. Somehow in the four hours they are physically together he figures out which flight she’s taking the next day. He used that to find her final destination, and somehow even finds her home address. He uses the public tax information to find her full name, and from there hunts down her Facebook.
And he finds my dad. Calls him on the phone!! And dishes E V E R Y T H I N G. Sends him pictures and screenshots of convos. Then he starts sending my mom harassing messages that he loves her but that he can’t trust her. Ultimately my mom had to call the police.
#28 Doggone Reality
I matched with a cute girl who seemed to have all the same nerdy hobbies as I did. We set up a date at a bar close to my place. We had GREAT conversation over text, so I assumed it would go the same in person. Boy was I wrong. She barely said a single word even with my prompting her with conversation starting questions and finally she goes, “you’re a dog person, aren’t you?” I blinked a little confused and just said, “yeah?” And she goes, “yeah I could tell, you’re way too excitable and I’m a cat person.” I mean, fine? We can like different animals, right?
But THEN she goes on and on about how she’s just like a cat and how me being a dog just wouldn’t work. From then on out anything we talked about would lead back to her being a cat and me being a dog. It got WEIRD. I finished my beer and told her I had to be up early and left. I still don’t know how the great text conversations led to THAT but hey, what do I know? I’m just a dumb dog.
#29 Lifelong Memories
The first red flag was that he didn’t really look like his pictures and he had gained a pretty good amount of weight, but I looked past it because that doesn’t mean that we couldn’t be a good match. Immediately he started talking about his ex-wife who he had divorced a couple of years ago, but rather than refer to her as his “ex-wife” he kept calling her his “wife,” present tense. I had to double check that they were actually divorced twice.
We actually got along pretty well and I was having a good time despite this weirdness. We got into talking about our past more, and he proceeded to roll up his sleeves to show me the gnarliest track marks I have ever seen. He told me he was clean for about six months but had a pretty bad addiction, blown out most of his veins, and OD’d more than once. At this point I was pretty tipsy, and I knew that I wasn’t going to see this guy again but I ended up going back with him.
At his place he ended up mentioning that he had some drugs stashed away “just in case” and even though I had just met this guy I knew this was a huge problem. After about an hour of convincing, I got him to flush it. I never saw him again, but he texted me the next morning thanking me pretty profusely. It was a crazy experience, but definitely ended well! Glad I was able to help him out, and have a fun night too!
#30 Gone with the Wind
My buddy hooked up with this girl he’d been talking to for a while. They met early in the afternoon on a Sunday for a walk in the park. Sunny spring day, things are going well. He’d been out drinking the day before and his stomach starts acting up and he realizes he needs to pass gas. This one will not only smell but will probably be loud as well. He spots a tin can a few yards down the pathway, and gets this brilliant idea that he’s going to kick it simultaneously with his gas to cover up the sound.
So, he runs up to the can, to get a few yards between them, takes aim and kicks, and misses the can. The effort only increases the volume. On top of it all he realized he probably pooped his pants a little bit as well. Without hesitation he just keeps on running and doesn’t look back. From her perspective, she’s having a nice walk with this guy who suddenly starts running, kicks in the air, rips a huge one, and keeps running Forrest Gump style.
#31 First Date in a Dream State
This happened before Tinder during the transition between Myspace and Facebook eras. I meet a girl on Myspace and agree to meet at a local bar where I’m friends with the bartender and lots of people. She is from the other side of town. At the time the “Sparks” drink is all the rage and is a combo of a super strong energy drink and malt liquor similar to fourloko.
We really hit it off and are crushing tons of these drinks which are packed with caffeine. The bar closes and we go back to my place, sleep together, and pass out somehow. Eventually I wake up to her naked walking out of the bedroom and naturally assume she went to the bathroom, but she never comes back. Finally, 20 minutes or so later, I get up and search the house. I get to my garage and my car is missing.
Then I get a call from her mom. She had driven my car, which was a manual, half way home and got it stuck on a tall sidewalk and smoked the clutch. The police came and she was naked and not coherent. They booked her for a DUI but all agreed that she was sleep-walking probably due to the mass amounts of caffeine. She was super apologetic and her grandfather paid for the damage to the car. I gave her another shot and we’ve been married for 10 years, have three sons, and a hilarious first date story.
#32 Short Getaway
My friend matched with a guy and turned up to their date. He told her he was 6 ft. and was WAY shorter than that. Then he kept telling her how he would murder someone and get away with it during the entire date. There was no second one.
#33 Nuts About You (SSR)
This girl I went out with would not shut up about her love of communism and her hatred of peanuts. For three hours every single subject I brought up somehow turned into either how we need a new Soviet Union or how peanuts are the worst thing ever. She wasn’t allergic or anything. She just for some reason really, really hated peanuts.
She ordered a very expensive non-alcoholic cocktail and then didn’t split the bill, all I had was a single Heineken. She was also a bit of a catfish as she was hardly as attractive as the pictures, but I’d roll with it, except for the peanut thing. Why peanuts? Sometimes I remember and wonder. Peanuts?
#34 All Over It
I met a girl from Tinder and we saw each other a few times. She had an ex that she still talked to, but hadn’t had any feelings for in a few years. So, I go to her apartment and this place is like a shrine to him with pictures of him on every wall. And it wasn’t just from when they were together and she never took them down.
She just moved to this place a month prior so she recently decorated her apartment with his face. It really creeped me out and felt like I was going to be some sort of sacrifice to get him back.
I work at a fast-food, casual restaurant with counter service like a hot dog joint but has a nicer than a McDonald’s vibe. I was at work when I noticed a girl that I matched with on Tinder a few months prior was in the dining room with a friend. We talked for a bit but never met up or anything and stopped talking a few days later.
She didn’t recognize me and I didn’t expect her to so I didn’t say anything. I go over to wipe the table next to where she’s sitting as someone had just got up. As I’m wiping the table I over hear her telling her friend how she gave some guy chlamydia. I’ve never had a sense of relief in my life like I did in that moment. Thank god I never met up with this girl.
#36 Catching the Crazies
Two years ago, I matched with this guy who seemed like a dream on paper. He was good-looking, just a year older, and extremely financially successful. He had made millions of dollars through a software invention. I was so excited because I’d been out on a lot of first dates with wealthy, soulless guys, or guys without their act together, and I wanted to meet someone more like me.
When we met in person, something about him was so off. He seemed like he hadn’t showered in a few days, he had this large gold chain across his neck, and he even talked a little to himself. The conversation we had was the craziest one I think I’ve ever had with anybody ever and I work with traumatized children who’ve been displaced from their homes.
He believed in conspiracy theories, in astrology, and even that he had psychic powers. The whole date, he kept telling me about his powers, his luck, and how whenever he wanted someone to work for him, he just imagined them, and they’d show up in their office. He also believed Anderson Cooper was a lizard person.
After about two hours of all of this weird, but interesting talk, I left. He messaged me immediately after asking for a second date. I said no, and he asked me if I wanted to take a $10,000 trip to Paris with him. I said no again. He offered me a $150,000 a year role at his company. I said no. He offered me $400,000. I told him no and wished him well.
For about six to eight months after, he would message me about once every two months, to tell me about tech deals he’d closed, to charity work he’d done, to pictures of himself in exotic locations. He would ask me for advice about his charity and his life.
Finally, he disappeared from my phone. He sometimes appears in my “you might consider following” lists on Instagram but I blocked all of his accounts. What a weird guy.
#37 Dealings with the Devil
I met a seemingly nice girl on Tinder. We dated for 2 months. It was 2 months of pure torment. After the 3rd date, she started telling me things about myself that no one could ever know. The kind of secrets that one would bring to the grave. I pressured her and asked her how she knew. She finally admitted that she practiced black magic.
In the following weeks, she threatened to blackmail me, cursed my entire family even though they did nothing, got paranoid and accused me of cheating when I spent most of my time driving for work, and demanded relations whenever she wanted—even when she was angry. Once time, her voice changed to something screechy and raspy and I think I might been sleeping with a demon.
I had enough and forced myself to break up with her after 2 months. Deactivated all my social media accounts and went off the radar for a while after that, until I found out that she had a new guy to mess around with.
#38 Do You Like-Like Me?
I met a woman who I really hit it off with. There was no physical affection for maybe six months of just hanging out several times a week as friends. One night we got hammered and I spent the night. After that, we still hung out just as frequently, spent the night every time, and we pretty much acted as a couple—going out with friends, wedding dates, etc, etc. I had things that lived at her place.
After maybe 6 months of this, I found out on the other 2-3 nights each week we weren’t together, she was hooking up with randoms on Tinder. Apparently, even in your 40s, it’s necessary to have that “so, like, are you officially my girlfriend?” conversation that you had to have in 6th grade.
#39 No Signs of a Threat
A cute girl from OkCupid offered to pick me up for our first date and we hung out with some of her friends at the mall. Then we went driving around town having a ton of fun, getting fast food, talking, stargazing, the works. She goes to drop me off and I wanted to kiss her. Things started getting a little heavy and she stops me just as we’re thinking of fooling around in her car. We cooled off, said our goodnights, and she left.
The next day I texted her and she didn’t respond. Later on in the night, she finally called me. It was the most terrifying phone call of my life. She sounded a little awkward, and blurted out, “Hey, I just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night. But I’m going to kill myself now so I wanted to say goodbye before I do it.” WHAT?! I frantically tried to call her back.
She didn’t answer. Eventually, after a few more tries, she picked up again. I’m yelling at her and she’s just responding to me like this is normal for her. “I’m sitting on top of a bridge right now. As soon as the train comes, I’m throwing myself in front of it.” She hangs up again. I’m freaked out.
The only thing I could think to do was call 911, so I did. I got them to transfer me to her town’s 911 branch, and they ended up connecting me with the police chief of the town. He and I spent the whole night with this situation. I would call this girl, trying to figure out her whereabouts, and he would dispatch officers to find her. Luckily, the police chief told me that no trains were running through the town that night, and an officer eventually picked her up walking on the street next to one of the train tracks. She was committed that night.
The last phone call I got from her was in the hospital. Her parents were furious at me because apparently, she “did this kind of thing all the time.” They were mad that I’d called the cops and they wanted me to pay the medical bills. I obviously refused, they threatened to sue me, and I hung up. Never heard from any of them again. I was so traumatized from that incident that I didn’t do online dating for a couple years. And that wasn’t the only crazy encounter with a girl from OkCupid.
#40 Goods Unreceived
I took a girl out to dinner and she ordered a salad with nothing on it. So, she ate lettuce like a rabbit. It was terrible conversation with one-word answers and was almost like pulling teeth. That was weird but she wanted to go back to my place and watch a movie and she had a nice rack so screw it. After sitting through the atrocity that is the movie Her, we start to fool around. For 90 minutes we do middle school stuff but I’m going to be patient because you know, I want to see those cans.
Finally, she stands up, turns off the lights, and strips down. She lays on top of me and I go to make a move and she says to wait. Okay, not a problem. I lay there for 20ish minutes with my hands at my side, fully clothed as she lays butt naked, face down breathing on me. She stands up, gets dressed, turns on the lights, and leaves. Immediately deleted Tinder. Also, never got to see the goods.
#41 A Lot of Back and Forth
As I was first going through Tinder, I matched with this guy who seemed okay and decided to go on a date with him. He lived 30 minutes away from me and picked me up from my house. I figured we were eating because he suggested we get lunch somewhere in town so we didn’t have to drive back 30 minutes, so I didn’t eat before this.
He picks me up and we drive to his apartment 30 minutes away and he asks if I want to go in for a bit before we go eat. I say let’s just head to the restaurant now so we leave and he drives back to where I live and drives further past it. I was like where are we going and he says he wants to drive around a bit before going because he isn’t hungry.
So we drive about 30 minutes past my house and he pulls over and tries to initiate a kiss, he pulls me into him and I just kind of hug him, it was this awkward 5-minute embrace of him trying to kiss me and me just turning my head and burying my face into his shoulders. But that’s not even the worst part: He smelled absolutely disgusting. I suggest we turn around and go to the restaurant. We drive back to where I live and he passes it AGAIN! So that’s another hour back to his house and he says let’s go inside I’m not hungry yet.
Then we go sit inside and he gets out his guitar and starts playing music for me, which was terribly painful to listen to. I was hungry and hot and uncomfortable. Anyways about 30 minutes of listening to him play bad music and moving to opposite couches as him every time he sat by me and visiting his awkward roommate I finally made up a lie about needing to go back home and we got in the car and he took me back to my house but had to drive around a bit and try to kiss me again before actually taking me home. I blocked him after that.
#42 Angels and Demons
When I was 24, I’d been messaging this cute girl who could actually hold a conversation really well so after I got home in December we decide to meet up. I show up at her place and see that she isn’t 120 lbs. heavier than her picture, doesn’t have a beard or Adam’s apple, and hasn’t ax murdered me yet. Chemistry is great and we actually start making out before I pull out of my parking space.
In the car, things are fine, she’s talking a lot about her modeling job, which is cool, just finished finals in med school, anything that isn’t an enzyme or nerve circuit is welcome. We arrive at ice rink and race each other inside, this is fun, literally sprint in to see who can get ice skates first. Inside and she’s still going about her local modeling career and all the free things the vendors and designers give her. Thrifty, cool. She hasn’t asked anything about me but whatever, she’s cute.
I figure that she can’t talk if she’s eating, I suggest we get food. I don’t know the area so she inquires the first thing about me of the night. I tell her, “Yes, I do like Mexican,” while thinking to myself, “Mexican, like tacos, should be casual and nice for a first date.” We get there and this is not Taco Bell or Chipotle. 40 ft high wooden vaulted ceilings with hanging sheer fabric for ambiance and the swankiest bar I’ve ever seen.
At the table, she’s been bragging for a bit saying that despite being a model, she has never done drugs. She knows everything on the menu by name and what it should be paired with, she’s been here a few times, I wonder if with other guys. Throughout dinner, I learned so much that now even Michael Kors got nothing on me for fashion industry knowledge. I have no idea what she ordered but the bill is $105 plus tip. She asks if we should go back to her place. To this day, I regret my answer: I say “yes.”
She makes no attempt to pull out her wallet so I bite the tab, trying to conceal my anger. I’m not too impressed with the date but I walk her to the door. She asks if I want to come in, and even after two long relationships, I know this is a good sign. I get excited and accept, so in we go. I meet her mother, in a bathrobe, completely unfazed by my presence. She asks if I know how to fix a light socket. I fix the light socket. We finally make it to her room, and I think, “Score! I’ve seen this in movies before.”
She starts taking me through every lotion and perfume and tin of makeup and brush on her vanity and told me the brand, the list price, and how much she actually got it for. Ten minutes later, she is almost finished telling me the brand, location of purchase, and price of every shirt, skirt, pair of pants, and jacket in her closet. She is upset that her friend “stole” a bracelet from her 2 weeks ago, she wonders if I would help her look for it. I haven’t gotten laid in a long time so I said, “yes.”
Because I could not find the “stolen” bracelet behind, under, in her dresser/vanity/bathroom/bed/closet/night stands/carpet she’s crying with tears down her face. If it was stolen why did she ask me to look for it in her room? She stops crying after a bit and suggests we watch a movie. Good, I need to mentally check out for a minute.
It’s now midnight and she has given extensive commentary on every conceivable aspect of the movie, but she says she has a knot in her back and wants me to massage it out, I accept this responsibility. Finally, her shirt is off and she is dead set on me massaging out a very specific knot on her left shoulder which does not exist. Whatever.
The movie ends an hour later and my arms are getting sore, I’ve been kissing her sensually for a while, and still have not been able to get her to A. shut up B. turn over C. actively engage said kisses. We choose another random movie. My lips are super tingly from the $72 dollar lotion purchased at Macy’s 2012 Groundhog’s Day sale that I’ve been using, but I’m still massaging until I can’t feel arms, or lips, anything at all.
After what seemed like an eternity, she starts participating in the making out stuff and politely tells me that for religious reasons she is saving her virginity until marriage. I completely understand, when it comes to faith beliefs like that, I respect whatever choices you make, cool, no hassle, and we start fooling around. I am excited, I’ve finished her off about 2 or 3 times, I feel like a champ, but I am still completely clothed and have not been touched in any way, shape, or form. As I am still being all sexy-like, I casually say, “What about me?”
She informs me that the bathroom is right over there and tells me I can take care of myself in the shower. I think I’ll just hold it. We’ve been silent, cuddling. Hey, this is nice, I love cuddling, she is comfy, and she’s not talking, this is good. It felt like this nightmare date was finally over—but then things took a dark turn. All of a sudden around 3 AM, out of silence, she whispers, “I see demons. Yours are yellow.” I’m terrified.
I learn that my demons are angry and she is scared of them. She tells me that she has been exorcised on two occasions and it’s helped a lot. I don’t inquire as to how much, precisely. I try to be supportive because this doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you just go around telling everybody, and more or less keep my mouth shut. She falls asleep and after another hour of being stiff as a board and scared before I pass out.
Her mother knocks on her door at 9 AM and I, all 6’5 220 lbs of me, attempts to hide under the blankets. Mother comes in and nonchalantly tells her that they are going to a friend’s house for dinner, asks if her if the bearded guy under the blanket wants to come, I decline, I have to go return some overdue video tapes. I get dressed and leave to return some overdue video tapes No, we didn’t go on a second date, we had a pretty typical, anticlimactic dispersion from each other, and haven’t talked since, but it’s okay, because apparently my demons can keep me company.
#43 The Sober Reality
At the time this happened I was 26 and living with my parents and generally in a bad time in my life. My father had lost his job and my mother broke her leg; my grandmother was fighting cancer and the whole family just sort of came together to help each other out and get through. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was extremely lonely and cooped up in my parent’s house around all the depressing stuff.
After a few months of this, I decided to get online and see if I couldn’t find someone to have a little happiness with. I was on OkCupid and I met a girl who looked gorgeous in all her pictures. We send some messages back and forth and I found her to be pretty interesting. We agree to meet. It turned out she was just a few months shy of 21 and couldn’t go to the bars or have drinks with dinner, and as is pretty standard for these types of things, drinks are a must, so I agree to buy some booze to bring with me to her place.
I get myself cleaned up—haircut, clean the car, do the “grocery shopping,” print directions to her place and then get on the road. It turns out the directions were a joke and I ended up making a three-hour trip of it to her place, not realizing how far away she really lived. I get to this girl’s place where low income housing is for the impoverished.
I knew I was in “that kind of neighborhood” when I saw a horrifying sight outside her apartment. Two young white trash teenage kids were hitting a cat with a jump rope in the parking lot. Somewhere in the distance, I heard god and my ex-girlfriend laughing together. She came outside to greet me. She wasn’t fat, but she looked really unhealthy. Some spare flab around the middle, dressed in a gross, unflattering way in dirty clothes.
Her jeans were so long they dragged on the pavement around her feet and had turned brown at the heels, and smelled like they were infused with cigarette smoke. She had the look of a girl who ate too much fast food and too many painkillers. She was the oldest 20-year-old I’d ever seen, but still, she had a nice face and I had come a long way.
I remembered our playful, interesting talks and so give her my best smile and tell her it’s nice to finally meet her. She smiled at me and, oh god, she had a set of pee colored chompers that looked like they were often used to open coke bottles. It dawned on me I had never seen her teeth in any of her pictures, just her boobs. I cursed myself for being so dumb—but we were just getting started.
I do the quick decision to just go for it anyway. Nobody knew this girl or that I was there, or what I was about to do. And no one need ever know, I could take my shame and bury it. I had already invested so much time and energy in this. I clutched at the six pack and the bottle of Jose in my paper bag like a life preserver. Me and Jose would make it through together.
We drink our beers and watch Idiocracy on her couch while talking a bit. I learn she is jobless, did not graduate high school, lives on government assistance—and the worst, for me, she had no desire or plan to improve these things. She was happy. I break out the tequila and we start taking pulls on the bottle. The sun is going down but not quickly enough. I am sinking faster than it is. We go out on her balcony and some of the brighter stars are already visible in the sky. The tequila came with.
Eventually, I’m drunk enough, the sun is down and by the light of a bug zapper her face is not bad at all. I kiss her. After a few minutes of kissing she goes in to put some music on. Not but a moment passes before I hear the dulcet tones of ICP drifting on the wind. I consider leaping from the balcony to my death, but decide it’d be too embarrassing for my friends and family to find out I was there. It turns out the girl doesn’t have a bed.
As she gets drunker, she begins to share more about herself and it’s apparent she is a very damaged person. My head is spinning from the booze, but I had a sudden moment of clarity. This girl is drunk. Although she is of legal age for a good romp, she is mentally not older than a high schooler, and although not too drunk to consent, I know I’m never going to call her or see her after, and I think of what this might do to a damaged girl with issues.
I excuse myself to use her bathroom and start drinking water from the tap to sober up. I remember staring at myself in the mirror and just thinking of how thankful I am for everything that I have in my life. When I come out, she is passed out on her couch. I gather my shoes, wallet, keys. Money is missing from my wallet, but not much, and the girl doesn’t even have a bed. I just shake my head and leave. I wander over to the nearest hotel. I woke up in the morning in the hotel bed. I called my boss and told him I wouldn’t be coming in. I just sat in the bathtub in that awful hotel in some desolate part of Indiana.
#44 Long Walk on a Beach
We lived about 25 minutes from each other, so we agreed to meet at the beach pier about halfway between. Before meeting, we had been texting and he seemed totally normal. I was already at the pier when he texted me saying he can’t meet me there because his license is revoked and it’s too far for him to walk. I should’ve just left then, but I agreed to meet him at a pizza place closer to him. I get there, and I’m standing outside when I see him, and quickly realize the pictures from his profile were at least 3-5 years old.
Homeboy looks like the dollar store version of himself: greasy, looks like he hasn’t showered in days, hair undone, holes in his shirt. I awkwardly give him a side hug and suggest we get a seat, and he says, “Oh, no, we’re not getting pizza. Let’s go to the park.” I awkwardly say okay, and as he talks, I realize his gums and tongue ring are stained black from smoking. By this point, I am completely turned off and am just keeping up with formalities.
We get to the park and find a bench to talk and before I can sit down, homie pulls me onto his lap, squeezing me and saying, “God, babygirl, you are so cute.” I awkwardly scooch away and try to get a conversation going. He pulls out his phone and starts texting for a few minutes not really listening to me before interrupting with, “Have you smoked? My friend is a plug, we could go back to my place for a bowl.”
I decline. “Aw, come on, babygirl, my place is just right there. We could have some fun, too.” I decline again. Next thing you know, he pulls me close by the face and whispers, “You’re so innocent,” before broad-tongued licking my face from chin to ear. Shell-shocked, I just sit there for a moment processing what just happened as he keeps talking about weed before I decide to fake an urgent phone call and leave.
#45 Wrapped Up
My worst Tinder experience was pretty traumatizing for me at the time. I was a sophomore in college and she was a junior or senior at the same school. The first time we ever hung out, I went over to her apartment and we just watched some Netflix and hung out. Nothing crazy. I was thinking this chick is super cool, we may have something here. So, I leave telling her I’d like to see her again if she’s down. She told me she would love to and just hit her up whenever and we’ll make some plans.
We start texting and Snapchatting throughout the week and organize some plans for the following weekend. Out of nowhere, she starts sending me unsolicited naked pics. It caught me off guard, but I was more than cool with it. I’m a young college guy and this hot older chick wants to send me pics after only hanging out one time? Say no more.
Fast forward to the weekend, she comes to my apartment and we’re hanging out with my roommates watching something on TV. She asks me if she can stay the night, and after sending pics to me all week, I kind of figured what was up, so in my head, I’m like “….uhh yes.” But I tell her of course and to be polite I offer to sleep on the couch because we’ve only known each other for all of about two weeks and have only seen each other in person one time prior. She tells me she’d rather me sleep in my bed with her, so I know it’s on.
We get to Netflix and chilling in my room and I make a move. We start to hook up and eventually wind up sleeping together. I wore a condom and tossed it off to my side of the bed when we were done. I had no clue at the time, but I’d made a horrible mistake. As we’re laying there after a few minutes, she gets up abruptly, comes around to my side of the bed, grabs the condom off the floor, and runs into the bathroom. I’m a little confused, maybe a little concerned but kind of brush it off.
As I’m lying there in my bed, I hear a loud crash in my bathroom and hear her swear. I ask if she’s okay and get no response. I’m a little concerned thinking this girl just fell in my bathroom and cracked her head open or something. I go to open the door and she is standing in my shower with one leg propped up trying to shove the condom insider her. I freak out with no clue what to do.
She’s clearly freaked out and probably embarrassed? I have no clue. I shut the door and she immediately comes back out, says she’s going leave and I say sounds good. I never hear from her again.
#46 Bewildering Babe
This girl named Ashley on Plenty of Fish messaged me. It was one of those conversations that immediately took off and we were talking for at least four hours straight. We decide to go get dinner. She was even better in person—beautiful, witty, laughed at my stupid jokes, the complete package. We exchange goodbyes and that was the end of our evening. We’re texting until about midnight when she says, “You’re going to hate me. We should just be friends.” So, I’m like ok whatever.
She calls me the next day and apologizes so I give her a second chance. At the end of this date, we start making out like we’re in middle school and she stops us before we get too far and says she’s not ready for that yet. Ok cool. I can respect that. So I get home and she texts me saying that I was just going to use her and calling me a pig. Um….ok.
Next day I get a text from Ashley’s phone asking if I knew where she was and I was the last person to talk to her. Her “friend” went to her house where Ashley had apparently left her phone and her car and the front door was wide open. So I told this mystery person to call the cops. When she refused I said that I would and lo & behold, Ashley shows up. “I had just gone for a walk. Didn’t know you cared about me so much lol.” Yeah ok, I’m done with this situation. Then, the true nightmare started.
The next day I go to work. I usually leave my phone in my truck until lunch, so when I went out for lunch at noon, I had 115 new texts and 48 missed calls. Yup that’s it. I’m done. So, I block her number and that’s it. Wrong again. She knew where I worked and what time I got off work, which is almost an hour and a half from where she lived.
She tried following me home. I took a roundabout way of getting home and ran a few red lights but managed to lose her. It’s been almost a year and I haven’t heard from her since.
#47 Girlish Charm
Six or seven years ago, I was a regular IRC chatter. I started talking to a girl there, let’s call her Jenny, and we hit it off. She had a wry, somewhat cynical sense of humor. I realized that she was maybe ten years younger than me, but since—according to her—she was over 18, meeting up shouldn’t be a problem. She lived in Florida. I live in Denmark.
So, one evening, we talk about her visiting over the summer. I go to cook dinner and when I finish eating, sign back on IRC. She tells me that she’s bought a ticket and will stay for three months. I tell her “whoa, that’s a really long time, I was thinking a couple of weeks or so.” But since she has already paid for the ticket, I feel forced to let her stay. Fortunately, many of the other people in the IRC channel where we hang out are also Danes and want her to visit them.
During the time we have known each other, she has sent photos of herself, and I’m quite surprised when she looks nothing like her photos. When I meet her at the airport, I expect to see a chubby young woman, but I was not expecting her to be 150 cm tall and just as wide at least. I’m 180 cm and weigh about 90 kgs; I’m fairly sure she weighs more than I do. Now, I’m not a shallow person, so I think to myself, “Well, at least she has a great personality, right?” I have never been so wrong—the next few days were a waking nightmare.
Over the next two days, I find out that not only is she immature and sheltered, but apparently her whole world is made up of deceit, lies and HUGE amounts of drama. She has lied about so many things, including—and I don’t find out about this until the day before she leaves. And when things don’t go exactly according to her plan, she will immediately start wailing and sobbing, stamping her feet and punch the walls. So, when I confront her and ask her why she has been lying to her parents, she throws the mother of all hissy fits. Eventually, after two hours of coaxing, I manage to talk her down.
On the third day, my nerves are frayed from her drama and lies. My apartment is so messy that I don’t recognize it. She insists she will do the cooking, and to her credit, she did not do a bad job of the actual food preparation. But unfailingly, every single time she has cooked a meal, every single pot, pan and utensil will be dirty and I will spend 40 minutes to an hour doing the dishes. She eats around the clock. Every day, I completely restock the fridge.
On the fifth day, I tag in one of my friends and his wife who is American, we can call them Hank and Gabby, and arrange with them to let Jenny stay with them for a few days, and then send her off to meet up with her other internet friends in the area. I am exhausted, and honestly, very tired of taking care of this petulant little compulsive liar who completely wrecks my apartment every single day. My friend “Matthew” flies in from Sweden while Jenny is away, and we spend two days completely cleaning up all the mess Jenny has made.
We discover that she has gouged deep furrows into my brand new and expensive dining table by using it as a cutting block. She has also broken the shower head. I have no idea how. Matthew stays for four days. The day after he goes back home, Jenny returns. In less than an hour, she completely wrecks my apartment. At this point, I’ve had enough and I tell her that she has to change the date of her return flight because I’ve gotten a photography assignment abroad. Cue wall-pounding hysterical rage for an epic six hours.
At my wits’ end, I call Hank and Gabby to ask them for advice. Gabby picks up, and as soon as she hears the wailing in the background, she tells me they’ll be right over. When Jenny finds out, she stops crying and runs to the bathroom. The shower starts running. Hank and Gabby come over, and Gabby who also has had enough has some choice words for Jenny who does not reply. They help me put all of Jenny’s things in, on, or near her suitcase, and as we’re doing this, we find he passport, which clearly states that she is, in fact, sixteen years old. We finish packing, and then they go home.
As soon as the door shuts, Jenny unlocks the bath room door. Apparently, she has been sitting in the shower, on the drain, thus flooding the entire bath room with a good inch or so of water. I hand her the phone and tell her to either call the airline to book a new return flight, or call the nearest hotel to make arrangements with them for the rest of her stay in Denmark. She turns on the waterworks again, but when she sees the look on my face, she immediately stops and does as told. The next morning, she leaves, bawling her head off. I have had enough at this point and can’t be bothered to even walk her to the station, which is four minutes away by foot.
The day after, she calls and tells me she got home alright, and thank you for a wonderful time and can she please come visit again soon. I tell her that we will have to discuss this later, as I had work to do. While I’m out, she calls my home phone 197 times, my cell phone, which is on silent, 337 times, and there are also 53 emails when I open my Outlook. This is the final straw. Next time she calls, I lose it and yell at her incoherently, tell her to never contact me again, and hang up. I block her from all avenues that I can think of where she might be able to contact me, and that, fortunately, is that.
#48 Down, Down Under
I went on a date with an Australian who had just moved here two weeks before and knows NO ONE. On our first date, we went to a pub and it was completely fine. She was a bit of a force of nature, spoke a mile a minute, but we got on. Second date went to a really budget pub at her request because she has only just got a job so hasn’t been paid. Then she wanted to see some live music so I took her to this really cool live music pub about 30 minutes away.
We got there the band members were cool, but she spoke to/annoyed everyone there to the point that one of the girlfriends of the band asked me if I was “seeing the red flags yet?” So, I tried to just move her back to near the area where we both live, but on the way back home she said we should go to this a big Aussie/kiwi hang out bar/club because she wants a drink.
We get there and it’s closed BUT a few people say we should join them for drinks. I slightly talk her out of it and she’s like, “yeh fine cus I need to pee,” so I take her round the corner stand in front of her so she can pee with a degree of privacy, but then during her pee I hear something splat and hit the ground and she’s like, “oh did I just poop? Nah, don’t think so.” I turn around—and see the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. Behind her, there’s a huge splat of diarrhea, like it was a fluorescent color that shouldn’t have come out of a person, but it just seemed to have fallen out of her.
She’s like, “uh what do I do? Oh, wait I have the plastic wrap from the CD I just bought from the band,”’ and wipes herself with that, which isn’t very absorbent, but more smeary. I just quickly offer to call her a cab, BUT she declines and is then is telling me we should go find those people to go drink again. I swiftly say no and so she kisses me and walks off. What interests me is she very easily might have gone back to find those two guys and if she did, they were probably in for a nasty smeared surprise if they were to get “into it.”
#49 Doo-doo Dude
My sister’s friend met this guy on Tinder and went for dinner. They hit it off really well and he invited her back to his place. She really liked the dude so went with it, and things were getting hot when she started getting this horrible feeling. She went to the bathroom and literally had explosive diarrhea and messed herself, all over her body, the full deal. She was completely mortified and then had to explain to this dude what happened.
The dude seemed really chill and told her to get a shower and go get changed into some of his clothes and not to worry and that he would clean it up and took her dirty clothes away. It seemed like the crisis was averted—but then she stepped out of the bathroom, and was greeting by a truly horrifying sight. He was wearing her poop covered clothes and covering himself in the poop. She ran out the house in just a towel and called the police.
It turns out that it was his fetish and at one point on the dinner date when she went to the toilet, he had spiked her drink with something to intentionally poop herself.