Mortified People Share The Dumbest Person They’ve Ever Met
There’s a difference between ditzy and dumb. We understand that some people fake not knowing things to get a laugh out of a group of friends or because they think they’re being “cute,” but then there are those who just can’t use their brain for much more than getting themselves dressed in the morning.
How some of these folks made it through college, well, those are probably tales for another day.
Stupidity does not discriminate, neither on race, gender, or class. It’s something we find everywhere. We’ve all had a roommate, family member, or classmate shock us with how little they know or how little they think.
Ready for a good laugh? Good. Make sure you’re sitting down, and don’t drink any water while you’re reading through these unreal real-life encounters, because you’re sure to spit it out.
#25 Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
It’s not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know?
I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn’t his real name, but it doesn’t matter because he can’t spell it anyway. Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past. He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability (don’t worry, it was a ballpark… we didn’t make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit). I thought, “That’s fine. I’ll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what’s up.” One-on-one with Kevin was like conversing with someone who’d forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident.
So here’s a a few events that made it abundantly clear that God exists and he’s laughing uncontrollably at Kevin:
Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire… twice.
Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing (not that it wasn’t his, not that he did it… no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times before the end of the year.
Kevin stole another student’s iPhone… and tried to sell it back to them.
Kevin didn’t know dogs and cats were different animals.
#24 Nonsensical Questions
A girl from high school physics, “If the speed of light is 3*108 m/s, what is the speed of dark?” and later that year, “If China is 12 hours ahead of us, why didn’t they warn us about 9/11?” I can’t make this stuff up.
#23 You Caught You A Bright One There
“Did you know Poland was the only country not affected by World War II?”
“Hitler wasn’t a bad guy, they just gave him the wrong job.”
“I like cows; they’re cute and they have big eyes, but I don’t like horses. They’re big and they look like cows.”
“Wine that comes in plastic is fancier than wine that comes in glass bottles because plastic has more technology.”
As my brother is cooking her a filet mignon, she looks at the steak in the pan for a minute before asking, “Is that the whole fish?”
#22 Let’s Just Be Friends
This girl I had a brief relationship with and eventually became friends with until I couldn’t stand her anymore when I was an undergrad. Sounds terrible, but it’s true.
Here is a gem. I cannot make this stuff up:
Her: It says to check any illnesses that I have. I have Hepatitis C, don’t I?
Me: You don’t have Hepatitis C.
Her: I feel like I caught it one time!
Her: Oh! You know what? I think it’s herpes that I caught one time!
Me: That was a canker sore.
I could go on, but now I feel like a jerk.
#21 I Feel Like It’s Forgivable
This girl saw “double cheeseburger” on a restaurant menu and she got all excited, thinking it meant “DOUBLE CHEESEburger” (extra cheese). She was confused when there were two patties in the burger.
That girl was me. My boyfriend still laughs at me.
I worked with this girl last summer who was beyond dumb. At first it was amusing, but then it just got really sad. We were talking about Nelson Mandela being really sick (this was in June) and she said, “Well I sure hope she’ll be ok, her music is so good.”
She thought WWII was between America and Africa. She thought potatoes could only grow in America and when asked what her boyfriend’s name was, she said “I can’t really pronounce it – so I just call him Mike. He spells it like M I C H A E L.”
#19 Celebrity Snottiness
Katy Perry once shopped the Whole Foods Market I manage. She wouldn’t let my cashier’s hand touch her food. The personal assistant proceeded to take my cashier’s spot, insisting Katy may get sick from worker contact.
That’s pretty dumb.
Edit: For the record, this sort of thing is pretty common. Katy may have been weirder than most, but famous people get strange about plebeian contact.
#18 Just… How?!
We had to watch the movie Defiance in my English class and afterward this girl put her hand up and asked, “Is Jewish a country?” Later on, after watching Defiance (which is about three Jewish brothers in Nazi-occupied Europe) for the SECOND time, she asked,” Wait… were they brothers!?”
I wanted to throw a stapler at her.
#17 Are You Saying You’re Some Sort Of Hidden Treasure?
I was around 8 (or whatever the normal age is when you know your own address) and I had just made a new friend. She invited me over to her house to hang out. I planned on dropping by after taking my things home, so naturally, I asked for her address.
She grabbed a paper and pencil and started drawing three houses. She pointed to the middle house and said, “I live here.”
I never talked to her again.
#16 You Are NOT Enlightened
This Jamaican guy started making fun of me because I was from Africa.
A bit stunned, I’m like, “where do you think your ancestors came from?”
“And before that?”
No, he was not all native American descent (or white or whatever)… he was as black as the night.
#15 There’s This Thing Called Rent. Yeah, It’s Not Optional, Bro
Had a roommate who was about six months late on rent. It’s a 10-month lease and we’re in month eight. They’re threatening to sue us. He got a tuition refund. $700 (two months rent). He goes to play poker with it, despite our constant pleas not to.
Doubles up. He shows us the $1,400, (because he’s dumb like that). This is Saturday night. The office is closed Sunday. I go to work Saturday night, and then work a long shift Sunday, feeling good. Monday after classes, he comes in. The first question, “did you pay the rent?”
Bumbling, stumbling excuses. “I paid off some credit card balances and some other money I owed my parents.” “So how much did you give the complex?” “None.”
I almost punched him right then and there. I will bet every penny to my name that he went back to the tables Sunday night and lost it all.
#14 But, Then, Where Are Mermaids Born?
Had a classmate in 8th grade who legitimately thought that the ocean had no bottom. Our teacher showed a diagram of the deepness of the ocean, and she just couldn’t grasp it. I don’t know how you get all the way to 8th grade without learning that the ocean doesn’t just drop off into nothing…
#13 Please Tell Me This Was A Kindergarten Classroom
A kid I knew in fifth grade, Stevie.
One day the teacher is walking throughout the classroom and his shoe gets stuck on some red sticky stuff. He looks at it, sees a short trail, and follows it back to Stevie’s desk. He looks inside Stevie’s desk and finds sticky red goo covering a piece of sticky red paper with “Good Humor” written on it.
Yeah, Stevie brought a popsicle back from lunch and put it in his desk so that he could eat it later…
#12 Your Mother Must Be So Proud
This girl I used to work with. Here’s a prime example. I told her I was going to Ethiopia and she replied, “oh my god, Europe is supposed to be beautiful this time of year.” I also told her I was from Philly (I now live in California) and she asked, “What state is that in? Boston?”
#11 Pool Party? You Mean “Cancer Party!”
This girl at my school: “I don’t swim a lot during the summer because I do not want to get water cancer.”
“You mean skin cancer? From the sun?”
“No. Water cancer. You can get cancer from the pool water.”
#10 Don’t You Want More Out Of Life?
When I was 19, I waited tables with a girl who didn’t know how to tell time. She was 18, fresh out of high school.
She sat people at the wrong tables, messed up orders, and forgot her schedule and would be late/miss shifts a lot.
Anyway, she had a scholarship to play volleyball at a university, but dropped out of college after she failed the athlete’s drug test about two months into her first semester. I think she’s in beauty school now.
#9 You Probably Shouldn’t Talk… Ever
My old roommate’s boyfriend. He spent the better portion of the dinner and movie stating how food has too many preservatives in it, and that’s why there are trees that have been petrified.
Petrified trees, because of preservatives in food.
Also, you can’t eat “Bucky Balls” (or any magnet in general) because your body works off of electrical currents, and if you ate a magnet, it could disrupt them.
She was also pretty dumb. I don’t miss either of them.
#8 Has No One Told Her?
A co-worker of my dad’s, whom I’ve met a few times. She was a middle-aged woman and she believes there are huge black lines on the ground separating each of the states in the U.S. You know how they show the state borders on political maps? Yeah, she thinks those are really there.
#7 You Should Probably Choose A Different Career Path
My college roommate was, without a doubt, the dumbest person I have ever met. She was writing a paper about segregation and could not grasp how “separate but equal” was a bad thing despite two people trying their damnedest to explain it to her. After nearly half an hour, my other roommate and I just gave up and left the room. I still wonder how she passed that class.
And she once asked what the difference between legal and illegal was. She wanted to know “which was the bad one.”
This girl now teaches elementary school. Her poor students.
#6 Like, Duh!
As I was enjoying one of my favorite classes (well, one of the only ones I didn’t care about because I read my book the whole time) this overly happy blonde looks up from her not-so-hidden phone and pipes up with her input about what we could do to stop people from getting skin cancer.
“Why, don’t we know. You know… remove the sun?” She was serious, I will never forget the look on my teacher’s face when he also realized she was serious.
#5 Bless Her Heart
One girl in high school, let’s call her “Lisa,” honestly thought that gravity didn’t exist and the reason why we didn’t just float away was our weight. Took about 10 minutes to explain that gravity gave us our weight.
She then proceeded to ask if gravity could, in her words, “Break like a pencil.” After explaining this impossibility, she finally stopped talking. The very next day, she confused Newton with Al Gore. No joke. She was really nice, though.
#4 Don’t Pressure Me!
Probably me in earlier elementary classes. When asked what “swam” meant, I blanked. I just couldn’t put it together that it was the past the tense of the word swim. I kept picturing it as onomatopoeia for when someone smacked you or something, like “pow,” or “biff.” These kinds of mistakes happened all the time.
#3 Just… Let Her Believe She’s Right
A customer trying to order her food:
Her: “I want that dinner special, alleviate this item for that, alleviate that item for this.”
[let her complete her order]
Me: “Hmm, pardon me, but did you say alleviate? If I’m thinking correctly it means to-…”
Her: “To substitute. Trust me, I’m a head cook at my job and I use this type of terminology all the time.”
Me: “But, I believe it means to ‘make less severe.’ This is something medical professionals use. For example…”
Her: “To replace something on your dish for something you desire. You have it wrong. SEE?! WE LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY! Put that in your dictionary and show how informed and learned you are.”
#2 Um, That’s How College Works, Sweetheart
I might as well post here too. In freshman year, about two whole months into our new classes, I came to class one day to meet a girl I’d never seen before. She looked familiar, though. I sat down and not so long after, she took her seat next to me.
A few minutes later, I overhear her talking with some friends saying, “Yeah, they told me if I skipped one more class, they’re kicking me out of school. What kind of a place is this?”
That’s right. She skipped two whole months of first period and had the audacity to complain about almost being kicked out of school.
#1 There, There
A girl I once met at a gala event:
Her: “Israel is the most important country in the world because it financially supports the whole USA.”
Me: “That’s… mathematically impossible. Israel has eight million citizens, the U.S. has 320 million.”
Her: “But we work way harder and have technology companies.”
I gave up trying. She started crying because she “was right.”