Don’t Mess With Me: These People Didn’t Get Mad, They Got Even
Sometimes it just feels so good to be bad. We know we’re supposed to turn the other cheek and all, but when the perfect, devastating comeback pops into your head, or you come up with the exact right way to show people that you’re not to be trifled with, it’s just impossible to resist. These people know the pure adrenaline rush of those moments when everyone around you learns that they can mess with other people, but they’d best not mess with you.
#1 Father of the Year
Back when my triplet sons were 11 years old, they started switching classes to confuse their teachers. When one of their classmates told on them, the principal called me, their father. I had to teach them a lesson they’d never forget. Clearly, they couldn’t look identical anymore, so I drove them to the local haircutting place and had the woman give them all different haircuts. They thought that was it, but they were so wrong.
I then shaved the letters “A”, “B”, and “C” onto the backs of their heads. Now their teachers would have no trouble telling them apart. They never pulled anything like that again.
#2 Don’t Mess With the Coupons
Working at a pizza shop, a troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state “One coupon per purchase.” After being refused by everyone in the restaurant, including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threatening a lawsuit. As he was heading for the door, he said, “You can’t afford to mess with me!”
I shouted after him, “You can’t afford a large pizza!”
I was at a distant relative’s wedding when I saw the most amazing mic drop of all time. When the pastor got to the part “or forever hold your peace,” the bride said, “Yes, I’d like to say something.” Then she turned around to her guests and declared, “I’d like to thank my maid of honor for sleeping with my fiancé last night.” With that, she threw her bouquet down and stormed off. The story even made it onto local radio at the time.
#4 Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more pissed, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket, and was shocked when my dad turned up in court, ready to be the best amateur lawyer ever.
He calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
#5 Sweet Revenge
This is the story of how I learned to never mess with my mom. The first time I lied to my Mom, I was just a kid and it was over something really little and stupid. She didn’t say anything about it, so I assumed I’d gotten away with it. The next morning, she got me up early and said, “Hey, I know this REALLY great ice cream place, get up and we’ll go get some!” I LOVED ice cream, so I got up and got all excited and was ready in a flash.
My Mom kept telling me how amazing this ice cream was, that it was the best she’d ever tasted. I raced to the car all excited, and as she was driving, she continued saying how amazing it was. I was so fully prepared for this mind-blowing ice cream that I didn’t even notice she’d been driving in circles, around my neighborhood, for a good 10-15 minutes. When she pulled back into our driveway I was very confused.
“Where’s the Ice cream?” I asked. She just said “I lied. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?”
#6 Work to Rule
A woman in my town is a Principal at a local elementary school. She is in her mid-70s (at least). I asked someone why she doesn’t retire, and they explained that she and her spouse went through a very contentious divorce about 15 years ago and she has to give him a portion of her retirement, so she has decided to NEVER retire so he gets nothing ever! Hahahahaha.
#7 Beggars Belief
When my grandmother died, my cousin showed up drunk and/or high to the funeral. She was wearing a see-through black top with a pink lace bra underneath and a very short black skirt. She spent the entire time before the service begging people for money (“Oh hi Aunt Ruth. Haven’t seen you since I was a kid. Listen, I’m real short this month and could use a few hundred dollars. Grandma woulda wanted you to help me”). People tried to ignore her and a few suggested that she leave, but she refused.
During the service as the priest was talking, she was loudly talking at the back of the room trying to get money off of people. Eventually, my Uncle Jack walked over and dropped the mic. He said “You are an embarrassment,” took her by the back of the neck and arm, and force-marched her out of the funeral home.
Once outside, my cousin accused everyone of assaulting her and called the police. 10 minutes later a cruiser showed up. Turns out my cousin had warrants out in Montreal and Vancouver. She tried to tell on my family and just told on herself. So, so satisfying.
#8 Let’s Get Away From It All
My boss refused to let me take a weekend off for my best friend’s wedding because a co-worker was already taking the time off for a dirty weekend away with the married guy she was having an affair with. The married guy was my boss, by the way. I was a bridesmaid and had booked the weekend off 10 months in advance.
I quit on the spot and told my boss’s wife he was cheating on her. My best friend’s wedding was lovely.
#9 Irresponsible Faculty Meeting
I’m a teacher and one day after classes end, I walk into the school’s office to check my mailbox. A parent of one of my students sees me and says very loudly, almost screaming, “Oh, FINALLY!!!! LOOK, EVERYONE, I FOUND A TEACHER!!! Do you realize that I left work EARLY to come here after school to talk to my son’s teachers about his report card, and you are LITERALLY the ONLY teacher I have found?!!! I went from classroom to classroom and everyone is GONE!!! Do you know what time it is?!! It’s 3:45 pm! School ended FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!!! FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!! And you’re the ONLY teacher STILL HERE!!!! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERYONE IS GONE?! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERY TEACHER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING WHEN SCHOOL JUST GOT OUT?!!!!”
I paused, waiting to see if there was more. When I realized he had finished, I said, “All the teachers are in the library. We’re having a faculty meeting.”
The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in the wrong, but by that point, he had committed so fiercely to his anger and righteousness that he couldn’t just apologize. So he said, “Well that’s just irresponsible.” And he walked out of the office.
#10 Between a Rock and a Hard Place
My grandpa was someone you did not want to mess with, but my cousin clearly didn’t get the memo. They got into a huge fight and when my grandpa passed away, we all got some money in his will. Well, except for that one cousin: It turned out my grandpa had saved a kidney stone that he’d gotten surgically removed and left it to my cousin after he died. Freaking brutal. Cousin got owned from beyond the grave.
#11 Gettin’ Hot in Here
Wife cheats on her husband during his frequent travels for work. She files for divorce and gets to keep the house and her new man. Months go by and the husband is still pissed and feels trapped. But then he has an epiphany: “I wonder if she changed the password to the Nest Thermostat?” She did not. For the next year he continues to mess with the thermostat. In the middle of summer when they’re sleeping in HIS bed, he turns the heat on to 90 degrees at 3 a.m. Middle of winter? Time to shut off the heat and hope the pipes freeze. Away on vacation? Turn the air conditioning down to 55 and let it run 24/7 for a nice surprise bill when they get home.
#12 Hat’s Off To You
I was shopping with a friend. She was a smaller person than myself. She was trying on a shirt and needed a size up so i took it back out to find a bigger size. I couldn’t locate it so I ask a sales girl if she could help me find a bigger size. She takes the shirt in a gruff way. I ignore it. She comes back with a hat and hands it to me. I say, “Um what’s this?” She said, “This is the only thing in this store that will fit you”, contempt dripping from her lips.
We walk out, I go to the register with the hat, it’s busy. My friend asks what’s up with the hat. I say loudly, “According to that girl this is the only thing in the store that fits me.” My friend, shocked, lost her mind. Because her parents owned the store. That’s how I got a girl fired because of her horrible service.
#13 H2Oh No
The other day this Chinese couple came through my cashier line, and I asked them all of the usual questions. Then the wife said, “Tell the stupid girl to go faster,” in Mandarin. I smiled at her and pretended like I had no idea what she was saying. She kept commenting on how my hair was like a boy’s (I have short hair, it’s honestly not even that short) and how her grandfather would have gone faster than I was going, all of this in Chinese. And then she said, “Make sure she doesn’t forget the water,” in Chinese. Then I smiled and said something that made her face twist into a look of sheer terror.
I replied in English, “I won’t forget the water.” And I watched with enjoyment as a look of sheer terror spread across her face, as she realized I understood everything she had said before. She just stood there with her mouth open and her husband said (in Chinese), “This is why you shouldn’t trash talk employees while they’re standing right in front of you!”
I replied (in English), “He’s right, you know.” They paid, then the husband apologized and left. After they walked out the door, my manager and coworker and I were laughing so hard. Even though being a cashier sucks, it sometimes makes my day a little brighter when something like that happens.
#14 Small Business, Big Problems
I work at a small business. 20 employees +/-. My wealthy boss made a big speech about austerity measures and no raises this year. A week and a half later he drives up in a brand new Silverado with all the bells and whistles. Expensed to the business of course. He would hate to have to pay taxes on those profits. One of the less subtle members of the staff took a literal dump in front of his office door.
#15 Takes One to Know One
I’m a waiter. I’ve served this couple a few times and the husband is always pretty demanding and rude to me AND to his wife. I feel bad for her. At some point during the service I mentioned that I have a child—can’t remember the context. Toward the end of the meal I asked if I could take anything away—plates, etc. The jerk husband says, “yeah, HER,” gesturing to his wife.
I thought that was bad but it got even worse. He elaborates, saying “Hey maybe you could use her, she’s done a lot of babysitting.” I glanced at him and then looked her in the face and said “Clearly.” I ignored him for the rest of their time there and spoke only to the wife. She paid the bill and tipped me well.
#16 Hunting for Problems
Brother of mine caught his wife cheating. Her phone would always be going off and she would hide it. He got curious, looked into it, and found some guy had been texting her for a few months. She said she was going to stay home because she had to catch up on homework over the weekend. My brother and I went on our hunting trip and he told me about it.
We never left the city, we went to my house and stayed there till it got dark, then drove back to his neighborhood in my neighbor’s car. She sent him a picture of her at home saying she was going to go to bed early that night. Well, we snuck close to the house after a car parked down the street and a guy walked to the house and let himself in.
My brother was fuming at this point and wanted to beat the crap out of the guy. I settled him down and told him to think about the long run. We snuck up to the house and using the night vision camera got video of them bumping uglies in the living room. My brother wanted to confront this guy at this point so… I did something messed up and called the cops. I said I heard a lot of yelling from the house and asked if they could go check. It kept my brother from messing with the dude (a coworker of hers).
Cops show up, take statements. We leave and the next day he pulls her iMessages off the email account and talks to a lawyer. We give the lawyer the messages and when we show up five days later from our “hunting trip,” he calls her and says he got something wild and wants her to come out and see it.
When she comes out he gives her divorce papers and kicks her out of the house. She had the police do a civil stand by while she got her stuff a few days later. House was his before they got married so all she got to keep was some stuff they bought together and her car. No kids and the prenup nullified the alimony she could have gotten as he made way more money than her.
The guy she was sleeping with had a record. We saw her a few months later, she tried talking to my wife and said she missed my brother and she was sorry, the guy and her broke up shortly after the divorce.
#17 Eat It
I had a teacher in middle school who tried to write me up and force me to come to Saturday school for talking during an exam. I hadn’t been the person talking, and the person who had been talking had already fessed up. I asked him, why I do I have to spend a Saturday in detention when someone else had already admitted to it?
He told me, “Do not question your elders and eat the consequences you were fed by them.” So, I crumbled up the slip and ate it in front of him.
#18 Stupidhead is Not So Stupid
I witnessed an incredible “Don’t mess with me” moment while I was standing in line at a major supermarket. In front of me was a woman and a small girl (about 4), and in front of them was a young mother, with a small boy (about 3). The little boy asked his mother for a candy bar, and was told “No.” The little boy then asked for a candy bar again, and he was told “No” again.
So at this point, he decided to have a temper tantrum. He threw himself on the ground, cried, screamed, called his mother a “stupidhead,” amongst all of the classic tantrum behavior. So, his mother then whispered to the mother standing behind her and they smiled, all while this little boy was hysterical about being denied a candy bar. I was confused—but then their devious plan was set into motion.
His mother then took a candy bar from the shelf and put it in her cart. The boy was happy upon witnessing this, and his tantrum stopped. The mother and son went through the checkout and paid. The mother then turned around and handed the candy bar to the little girl behind her in line. She looked directly at her son and said, “Children who behave are rewarded, and children who throw tantrums and embarrass their mothers get nothing.”
She turned around on her heel and walked away from the boy, who was left silent with his jaw gaping. A bunch of us broke out in applause. It was brilliant.
#19 Winning the Respect of the Bystanders
I watched a guy try to steal a girl’s purse. He sprinted past her, grabbed onto the strap, and tried to yank it off her arm. She was a lot stronger than he’d anticipated, because she pulled the bag back, and sent him sprawling onto the sidewalk. She then kicked the absolute bejesus out of him, screaming at him the whole time.
As this took place in Montreal, people just watched her beat him up, and clapped politely when she was done. She curtseyed to the crowd, spat on him, and walked off.
#20 Grandpa’s Catch 22
I stole some of my grandfather’s whiskey when I was a teen, and then topped it off with water so he wouldn’t notice. Yeah, right. When I went over to his house for Christmas, he handed me a single gift with a really weird look on his face. As I unwrapped it, I knew, I was busted. It was a Junior Detective fingerprint kit—and he made me dust the bottle for fingerprints while he was laughing his head off. I never messed with my grandpa again.
#21 Pajama Party
When I was in high school, I got caught skipping classes. For the next week, my dad, who had retired the year before, went to school with me. He drove me to school and then attended every class with me. He also ate lunch with my friends and me. Oh, of course, I’ve forgotten to mention the worst part! He wore his pajamas the entire time! He didn’t shave all week, either.
By the time Friday rolled around, he looked like a crazy homeless person. I never skipped class again.
#22 Getting Some Free Food
The people at the Chinese food place on my campus spoke Chinese to the door exchange students. But even though I spoke Chinese I just always spoke English to them since I have an accent when I speak Chinese. But one day I got all meat no rice since I had a rice maker at home.
And when I was paying the lady says to the person beside her “fat guy wants meat no rice.” And I responded in Chinese, “actually I have rice at home.” They didn’t charge me for the order and started giving me a bit extra whenever I go there.
#23 Mind Games
My old boss tried firing me because I was better than them at their job. I tricked them into saying it out loud, in front of the CEO. Let’s just say they don’t need to worry about me being better than them anymore.
#24 No Parting Gift Like One Last Miff
I’m a lawyer who specializes in wills, which sounds dull but is actually full of shade and gossip. Here’s a recent winner: “To my wife I leave her lover and the knowledge that I was never the fool she thought me. To my son I leave the pleasure of working for a living—for 25 years, he thought the pleasure was all mine.” Best dis ever.
#25 The Feature Attraction
I used to work at a movie theater in my hometown all throughout my high school years. When I moved away to start college, I was able to transfer to a theater owned by the same company as the one in my college town. The management at the new theater was absolutely terrible. They were demeaning towards the staff, they fired people for not selling rewards cards, and they scheduled mandatory all-hands meetings with less than a week’s notice.
At one such meeting, (at seven in the morning on a Sunday, by the way), some of my coworkers were starting to fall asleep. To wake them up, our managers forced all of us to stand up, do five jumping jacks, and sit back down. They did this every time that anyone fell asleep at any point for the duration of the three-hour meeting.
After around the fourth or fifth time that this occurred, I decided that I’d had enough. I didn’t stand up for our “punishment” when everyone else did. My manager singled me out, asking why I refused to participate. I replied, “We’re not children, don’t treat us like we are.” I was 20 years old at the time. My manager replied by suspending me for a month, right there, in front of everyone.
I promptly replied, “I’ll save you the trouble! I quit” and never went back. No regrets.
#26 Sounds Nice and Rosey
My “friend” (let’s call her Stacy) was getting married, and she tried to get me to pay for everything on her behalf as her wedding gift. Unfortunately, she was a complete jerk to me during the entire planning process. So after the final straw, I canceled all the orders for everything but the caterer—since that was a favor to another buddy. She ended up buying fake flowers and the ceremony was a train wreck. She got the Aisle 5 wedding she paid for and I got to save money on a dress. Shoulda been nicer to me, Stacy!
#27 Invisible Text
I absolutely hated this one college course. I genuinely tried really hard but the teacher was so tough. To make matters even worse, I’d been having some family issues, but when I asked for an extension, the professor said no. That’s when I decided to take matters into my own hands. I already had about half of the essay done and knew it was strong, but I also knew that this teacher had no patience for papers that were below the word limit…while they also hated filler.
So I was like, “screw it.” I edited what I had as best as I could, added a long-ish conclusion, and then wrote a letter about why I should have got an extension at the end. I formatted the letter to be in white text, so it was invisible, and submitted the paper. If the professor checked the word count, it would look like I reached it. I got an A and that teacher was none the wiser that I had fully slammed her in my little extra note.
#28 The Camera Adds Ten Lies
I’m a lawyer and one time I represented a DUI client who swore up and down that he didn’t drink. He said a rookie officer and his trainer pulled him over for a tag violation, then walked back to their car with a body camera still on. On the tape, the trainer says, “Get him out for a DUI,” then the rookie replies, “But he’s not intoxicated.” The trainer demands that he “Do it anyway.” Then the body cam clicks off.
My client sat in custody for three weeks until I finally got the tape. The “oh no” looks from the prosecutor and FTO when the judge saw the tape…I’ll treasure that one. Even better, the judge wrote the police chief a letter saying the FTO was dead to him, and he’d deny every search warrant he tried to bring thereafter for being a liar. Glorious.
#29 Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You?
I had a client who had a toxic relationship with his uncle. When his uncle passed, he was surprised to find he was in the will. Turns out there was a handwritten IOU that read, “I’m leaving you 15k BUT you have to come get it from me. I’ll see you in hell!” My client laughed.
#30 Daddy’s Little Girl
When I was 15 and working at my family’s restaurant, there was a Christmas party and they booked out the front room. This one old guy kept complaining every time I brought him food and took it away. When dessert came, he made some snide comment and I burst into tears. When I got back to the kitchen my dad saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I said it’s okay and not to worry.
Next minute, my dad storms out of the kitchen and asks the entire front room who made his daughter cry. The room goes silent and everyone points him out. Dad rips into him for making a child cry and told him he’s not welcome back. Old guy tries to defend himself saying I wasn’t doing my job. Dad said something along the line of him not doing a good job as a human. I miss working with him!
#31 Caught Red-Worded
I’m Italian and even though I can’t speak Spanish or Portuguese fluently I can understand pretty much everything… so when I was in the US I was dating this Brazilian girl. For about two months I never mentioned I can speak or understand Portuguese, because of the Latin roots I assumed she would have at least guessed that I was able understand it a bit.
Anyway, one night she came over to my place and she needed to use my computer, she went on Skype to talk to one of her friends, they were speaking in Portuguese.
I was sitting next to her watching TV and her conversation with her friend was pretty much about me her and some other dude she was dating at the same time and that she was gonna spend the night at his place later on.
I didn’t flinch a bit, just sat there for the whole conversation and once she was done I looked at her and told her in her language how good was the movie I was watching.
That was truly priceless, I can’t even describe it, her jaw dropped, there was silence for a couple of minutes, then I said (in Portuguese) to get her stuff and leave.
She just left and never said a word.
#32 That Almost Got Ugly
I was playing in band class one day. I am asked to play a section by the director and messed up a note or two. Eh, whatever, people make mistakes. The teacher—who is kind of mean to everyone—in the row in front of me turns around to look at me, and condescendingly remarks “That wasn’t pretty.” I immediately respond, “Neither are you.”
#33 Time Off for Good Behavior
I was working for my second job as a welder and booked two weeks holiday off of work. I paid for a trip to Canada to see my (now) wife’s family. The day before we were set to leave, my manager suddenly tells me that he’s going to have to cancel my time off as he’s accidentally booked three people off for the same weeks. I explained that I’d already paid out thousands for this holiday.
He then said I had booked mine last, so I’d have to lose it. I spoke with everyone on site, yet no one else had a pre-paid vacation booked. I went to HR and he was called in to explain. He came out with the same crap he had used before and HR just backed him up. I said ok, got up, and walked off site—with no intention of coming back.
I had 45 missed phone calls by the time that I had driven home, including one voicemail demanding that I get my butt back in or else I would be fired. I called the owner and explained that I had quit and my reason. I then turned my phone off and went on holiday without looking at it again until I got home two weeks later.
Then came the aftermath. I returned from the holiday to nearly 50 angry voicemails from my manager. They included telling me that I was in deep trouble and that I should watch my back when out in public. I sent them all to a solicitor and to the police in case anything happened, along with sending them all to my former boss.
He was dismissed and I was offered his job as I’d been there longer than most of the team had been. I didn’t accept the offer, as I had wanted to become self-employed for a while and I felt that this was the push that I needed to finally go through with it.
#34 Dead Flowers and Rocks
One Christmas Eve, I played sick while the family went to Midnight Mass. As soon as they left, I unwrapped all my presents and wrapped them back up very carefully. My mom didn’t say a word when she came home and looked at the tree. The next morning, my favorite gift was nowhere to be seen, and my sister got a bunch of my clothes. I couldn’t say anything, because then I would have to reveal my crime.
The next year (having decided I would just be more careful), I started unwrapping again each time a new gift was under the tree. They contained dead flowers and rocks taped to the box. Again, I couldn’t even say anything. Mom told me years later she always knew when I was at it, as I would stomp around the house and glare at everyone all day.
#35 Honest Mistake on Purpose
The host sat me at a table with a couple and their toddler. The two sat on the same side of the booth, kissed, etc., so I knew they were a couple, but the woman looked much older. Like she looked terrible. I’m sure it was substance abuse of some kind, but it was noticeable. So she’s super rude to me the entire time. She asked for her eggs over easy hard.
I explained to her that her eggs could either be over easy and over hard, and what both meant. She then got really patronizing, saying things like “Bless your heart” and asking for a real server. I told her that I know how eggs are cooked, and asked if she meant over medium. That’s when she got verbally abusive and asked “How hard is your job? Honestly, how hard is it to just serve people eggs?”
I’d had it. I gave her order to the cook, and of course, he asked me what she meant. I told him to just make them over medium, as I felt like that was what she meant. I gave her the eggs and she sighed real heavy. She said, “I’m sorry, was my order too hard? Did you not understand me? What the hell kind of place is this that nobody can make me eggs?”
I took a deep breath, and went all in with a brutal insult. I said, “Ma’am, I apologize to you, your son, and your grandson. Let me go ahead and comp your meal.” Her face twisted up and got so red I thought it was going to pop off of her face. She yelled, “THIS IS MY HUSBAND AND THAT’S MY SON!” Oh boy, it was so worth it. She began screaming for my manager.
I got my manager. He yelled at me in the office, but couldn’t prove that I was purposefully disingenuous. So I didn’t even get written up. It was awesome.
#36 Enjoy It While You’re Young
I got caught skipping school when I was 14. My Dad told me that he was taking me out of school the next week. Every day that week, he dropped me off at a local business, and told the owners (who he knew), “Here’s your free helper! He doesn’t want to go to school, so he gets to work!” They would work me, doing the worst jobs ever, for eight hard hours every day.
One week of that, and I was begging to go back to school.
#37 Revenge Skips a Generation
“To my daughter Anne, who created my beautiful granddaughter Jane, and her dear fourth husband John, who laid hands on My Jane: I leave one dollar, you money grubbing jerks. To Jane, I leave all of my monetary assets, save $5,000, and my best gun which I leave to my son Bill, on the condition that he beats John bloody during the time between my funeral and my burial. Jane, bail your uncle out of jail, please.”
Other than names, this is the exact wording of a great-uncle’s will. At age nine, Jane told her mother that John had molested her, and her mother told her she deserved it. So, Great-Uncle took Jane in and raised her, and his two kids got exactly what it says. His son also got a truck and technically a house, although he only kept it until Jane was a legal adult and could afford the tax on it.
Bill got full custody of Jane when his father died, and he put every penny of her money into a trust fund to mature when she was 25 because he felt like his sister would try to get the money. He was right. And in case anyone wondered, yes Bill got his five grand. He didn’t get arrested, though, because John had a warrant on him, so they didn’t dare call the cops. Bill did kindly inform the police of his whereabouts a few weeks later.
#38 The Strong Arm of the Law
Lawyer here. This gentleman claimed injuries against his employer after a fall at work. He claimed he couldn’t raise his right arm above his shoulder anymore. First deposition comes along and I’m hired by defendant’s attorney to videotape deposition of the plaintiff. Anyone know THE FIRST THING a court reporter asks you to do in a deposition?
“Please raise your right hand and repeat after me…” Plaintiff raises his right arm above his shoulder with ease and no sign of discomfort. Both attorneys looked down at their notes and neither caught it. After four hours of deposition, where the plaintiff pretends like he can’t raise his arm above shoulder level, I call the defense over and show him the first two minutes of the tape. I got a $5,000 bonus and due to my eagle eye, the judge dismissed the plaintiff’s case with prejudice.
#39 The Doghouse Becomes His Revenge
My uncle represented this guy getting a divorce from his wife of 15 years. Super toxic breakup, and they split everything 50/50, even the land that the house they lived in sat upon. Well, she decides to build a house right behind the other house. Mind you, this was a lot of land. There was probably 200 yards separating both home sites, and the backs of the houses faced each other.
The house gets built, and my uncle gets a call from his client asking about the legality of a situation he had gotten himself into. Apparently, his ex-wife would spend a lot of time in her backyard, so he saw her all the time. What he did was buy a female dog and name it the same name as his ex-wife. Anytime he would let his dog back in from letting her out, he would yell “Susan, you b****! Get in here!”
He would also yell if she was peeing on the flowers, “Susan you b****! Quit pissing on the flowers!” or “Susan, you b****! Quit digging in the dirt!” The ex-wife called the cops on him a couple of times, but there was nothing they could do because the dog was registered under the name of Susan, and it was literally a b****, so there you go.
My friend was so desperate to get a good grade from this nightmare of a teacher that he went to truly insane lengths to show her up. He may not have been book smart, but dang, you did not want to mess with him once he decided to do something. The night before the test, he stayed late after school, then climbed through the ceiling tiles outside of the teacher’s office, then shimmied across the doorway in the ceiling, and dropped down on the inside of the office. He took a copy of the test and aced it the next day. Teacher had no idea how. Watching her hand him back a perfect score…priceless.
#41 Be Careful What You Wish For
When I was a little brat, I used to threaten running away whenever my parents tried to punish me. One day, after one of my hissy fits/threats, I stomped into my bedroom to find my Dad taking clothes from my dresser and putting them in a suitcase. The last thing he tucked in was my stuffed alligator (who I called dinosaur) that I’ve had since I was born.
As he looked at me staring at him, he smiled and said, “You’re definitely gonna want him!” I was standing there, wide eyes, jaw to the floor, astounded and confused. When I asked him what he was, doing he told me that he was packing my bags for me. He figured it would take me a while and, because I wanted to run away now, he figured he would go ahead and help me out a bit.
He handed me my bag and proceeded to escort me to the back door. Just before he closed the door, he encouraged me to pick some of the pears and berries that grow in our yard so that I would have some food to sustain me as I lived on my own. Then he said, “It’s a really big step you’re taking, deciding to live on your own. Good luck. I love you.” He closed the door and I heard the click signifying that he had locked it.
So there I am, 6 or 7 years old, with a suitcase, dinosaur and fruit, completely clueless. Of course I started off stubborn, so I picked a pear or two and made my way to the gate where I proceeded to walk down the street of our busy neighborhood. I imagine about 20 neighbors passed, unable to process what they saw.
I walked for about 20 minutes before I noticed this strange car was sneakily following me. I began to get scared out of my mind and I darted to the nearest tree and hid as much as I could. It was getting pretty dark outside and I was terrified. I started to cry insanely as a shadowy figure approached me. At this point I was yelling and screaming absolute nonsense, regretting my decision to ever leave home, shouting apologies to the air.
Finally, the figure stepped a little closer and I realized it was my Dad. I was too spooked and it was too dark for me to tell that it was him following me all along to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid and that I stayed safe. I cried so much when I figured out it was him, and I begged him to let me move back in and told him I was so sorry for ever moving out.
He smiled, wrapped me in a much-needed hug and kissed me on the forehead. Once my tears dried and I was calm, he told me that I was more than welcome to move back in, but that he had already rented my room out to a student. He said that I could sleep on the couch until we figured something out. I was just ready to be back home so I agreed, unable to be at all upset at the idea of actually having a roof over my head.
Needless to say, I never threatened to run away again. Oh, and for clarity’s sake: my dad didn’t actually rent out my room, he’s just a trollermeister meistertroll.
#42 Gimme Gimme Never Gets
I work at a small breakfast cafe in Florida and we get a lot of older people who are mostly from up north and can really have a bad attitude about not getting what they want immediately. One old lady rudely exclaimed asking what she had to do to get some coffee around here and without skipping a beat I responded that you ask politely.
All the people sitting with her at her table got a good laugh in and I felt pretty smug about putting her in her place.
#43 So Much for the Cost of Friendship
I once heard a former roommate laughing with his then-girlfriend about how they were screwing me over on money. Turned out they were taking my “utilities” checks and buying various games and alcohol. Instead of confronting them, I confirmed what they said with the utilities company (they hadn’t paid the bill in two months) and moved all my stuff out while they were at work. For good measure, I took myself off the lease and told the rental company about the girlfriend who had been there six months.
#44 Secret Santa Slaughter
Secret Santa gift exchange in college. One guy gets a collection of British currency (he liked to collect foreign bills and coins) and a girl makes a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it, “Karen don’t be rude, he just didn’t want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester.”
Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight while she bursts into tears. Sorry not sorry Karen, maybe you shouldn’t have been such a jerk.
#45 Sometimes It’s Best to Keep Your Mouth Shut
Company consisted of something like 1,200 employees at the time, and rented out a big conference center for a Christmas party. At the opening of the party, the CFO was giving opening remarks, and asked—expecting cheers—if everyone liked their Christmas bonuses. He got booed. See, of that 1,200 people, a bit over a thousand were in customer service. No one in customer service got bonuses, only people in the “corporate” departments got them.
And our awesome CFO decided to rub everyone’s noses in it, because clearly the Chief Financial Officer of a company would have no idea that 80%+ of his company didn’t get bonuses. At the same party, the CEO made an announcement that the company would be closed on Friday (Christmas that year was on a Thursday), and everyone got a day off.
Now, he had literally just finished making a speech about how everyone was important, and everyone was part of the company, no matter the department. He had shoveled crap hard, trying to make CS happier. The next day, we all got a memo that Customer Service still had to work on that Friday. We apparently didn’t count as “everyone” and the CEO just hadn’t realized that the announcement wouldn’t apply to anyone.
January saw a 60% attrition rate.
#46 Terror Treatment
When my sister was about 7 or 8, she would quite often roam around our neighborhood during summer just to play with all the other kids. My Mom always told her to be back at a certain time, but usually she showed up late. Well, for failing to be back on time one day, she got grounded for a week. On the last day of her punishment, she saw a neighbor walking her dog and begged to be allowed to join her, just for 15 minutes.
My Mom, being soft, let her go along. 20 minutes later, they came back, and Sis asked for permission to walk with the neighbor and dog to the neighbor’s house. No big deal, that’s a 50m walk. She should have been back in two minutes. Two hours later, she still wasn’t back. The street we are talking about was a small blind alley; you couldn’t get out unless you walked past our backyard.
My Mom could actually hear my sister playing the whole time with the dog and the neighbor’s daughter in their yard. By 9:30 pm, she decided to teach my sister a lesson, and it was truly amazing. She turned off every single light in the house. Locked all the doors. And then she waited. Around 9:45, my sister finally came back to find the whole house dark and locked. And then she freaked.
She started banging on the side door, made out of solid wood, screaming in panic that she didn’t want to be locked out. My Mom was inside, dying of silent laughter. Then my sister started banging on the other door leading to the garden, but this one was actually made out of glass. She banged on the glass door so violently that my Mom was worried she might break it, still kicking and screaming.
Mom then walked out of the wooden door, all silent, approached my sister from behind and just said: BOO. My sister was, to this day, never ever late again. She is 16 now.
#47 The Funny Bone is Not Admissible in Court
I sat in on a personal injury case where the plaintiff broke their leg in an accident and had a doctor on the stand as an expert. The woman’s lawyer begins questioning the doctor about his experience with leg injuries (he was a well-known orthopedic surgeon in the area). She asks if he’s ever treated a “tibula” fracture (the leg bones are tibia and fibula) to which he only answers “no” then she starts grilling him with questions about the tibula.
After about six questions she asks, “How did you get a medical license and have been able to practice medicine this long if you’ve never treated a tibula fracture?” And begins a small rant about going after his credentials and those that gave it to him, to which he simply responds, “There is no bone named the tibula”. The lawyer became beet red and everyone in the room tried their best to keep from laughing…including the judge. Ouch.
#48 Eat Your Words
A while ago I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I was having a bad day and had a headache coming on. So I was waiting in line at the BK, when suddenly this woman comes in with a monster of a child. He was out of control, screaming, punching his mother, throwing things around. The mother didn’t pay any attention to him and he continued yelling, “I want a PIE.”
My headache turned into a full-blown migraine. I calmly turned and asked if she could please calm her child down. Immediately she got up in my face, telling me to mind my own business. I nodded and turned around, when the child cried out again how he wants a pie. I then decided to ruin their day in the most devious way I could think of.
When I got to the front of the line I asked the person at the register how many apple pies they have left. They told me and I bought all of them. I ate one and made sure the kid saw me throw the rest in the trash.
#49 Let the Crime Fit the Punishment
One time, my younger brother told our mom I hit him. Just walked into my room and started screaming about me hitting him. I hadn’t even looked at him. So of course, mom comes in, won’t hear me AT ALL, and immediately grounds me. My younger brother has this snotty grin on his face. And I thought, “Screw it…I’m already getting punished for hitting him.”
So mom’s like, “You’re grounded for hitting your brother.” I turned to him, and punched him as hard as I could in his sternum. He freaking DROPPED. Then I go, “Alright. I’m grounded.” And walk away. Oddly enough, mom didn’t say anything at that point. I like to think she realized what was up. Bonus: My brother never pulled that stuff again.
#50 Take That
My nephew is a total jerk. I had to drive him once and he kept messing around with the windows, so I locked them, but he just wouldn’t settle down. So I stopped holding back my gas. They all smelled like I might be suffering from some sort of colonic necrosis. He gagged and sputtered and threatened to throw up. It didn’t matter. I just kept tooting. In fact, at a certain point I thought I might poo my pants. I didn’t care. I was willing to do it just to make that little jerk suffer a bit. Take that, Evan.
#51 Regretted It Immediately
I was a front-of-house manager at a pretty nice chain restaurant. I remember one time these two obnoxious men came up to my register. Keep in mind, I was a small 17-year-old girl at the time. They gave me some coupons that required a manager’s code and they said, “I hope you know how to use them, the last girl didn’t and she had to go get a manager.”
Since the head manager had stepped out, I replied, “Well I hope I do too, since I’m the only manager here right now.” One of the men laughed and snidely said to the other one, “Wow, she’s the manager? I guess they really hire anyone here, huh?” Without hesitation, I said back, “Oh, we really do, we are actually hiring for dishwasher right now, you look like you’d fit the job.”
#52 Epic Punishment
I loved playing my N64, so much so that I would usually give my parents lip when they told me it was time to be done. I was an absolute brat about it, and this went on for a good while, with groundings and any other form of punishment you can imagine stemming from this. One day in particular, I had made them late for a party because I wouldn’t stop playing, and I could tell my dad was really angry. Surprisingly though, he didn’t do anything that night as punishment. I thought I got off scot-free—oh god, how wrong I was…
The next morning, I woke up and went downstairs to play some Goldeneye (it was the weekend) and my N64, all my games, and all my controllers were packed into a box. My dad walked into the TV room from his workroom and had his hunting rifle in its case slung over his shoulder. All he said was “grab the box” and we got into his truck. I suddenly realized where we were going, as the route we drove to the gun range was always the same. Panic was setting in, but I figured he was bluffing, so I kept my cool.
We got to the range and he set up his rifle. Then he looked at me and said, “Grab Superman.” Whatever, I thought, that game sucked anyway. He told me to go set it up downrange and then had me sit down, take aim, and fire. At that point, I was thinking holy cow, what kind of punishment is this? This is AWESOME!
This went on with two or three games that my Dad knew I didn’t really play, when suddenly he said, “Grab Starfox.” Oh god, no way. My Dad knew I loved playing Starfox. I may have beaten it a while ago and not get to it as much anymore, but that game is awesome. I looked at him pleadingly, but he was totally stone-faced. I tried to reason with myself that there was no way he would do this, so I set up the game downrange and came back. I looked at him again—no reaction. So I grabbed the rifle again and decided to purposefully miss. “Oops,” I said as I worked the bolt action. “Try again,” my dad said.
Now, I might mention at this point that this was a .270 caliber rifle, which isn’t anything amazing, but at age 10 (or so), that gun kicked badly. My body literally got knocked back a little on the seat every time I pulled the trigger, and my shoulder got sore quickly from shooting this gun. Anyways, I missed two more shots purposely before my Dad leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I have 200 rounds with me today.”
Finally, unable to keep pretending to miss, I got up my courage and blew Starfox 64 into oblivion. A little piece of me died. We continued on this path for quite a while, and yes, the truly great games started to come up on the list. Next was Mario Kart, followed thereafter by Mario 64, Super Smash Brothers, Goldeneye and finally…Ocarina of Time.
I don’t have to explain to you the significance of this, do I? How about this, I HAD THE GOLD CARTRIDGE OCARINA OF TIME. My Dad handed it to me, and I felt like I was going to pass out. Now, I had stayed pretty stalwart to that point. It hurt to shoot those awesome games I loved, but I just figured my parents would buy them all back for me.
But this had just gotten real. There was no buying a new gold cartridge Ocarina of Time. The walk downrange and back felt like I was walking to the gallows. I got back and finally caved. I started begging my Dad not to do this, crying that I was so sorry and that it would never happen again, blah blah blah.
He just looked at me and said, “I don’t think you’re sorry yet Trident00, but you’re about to be.” He then motioned at the rifle and I took a seat at the bench. I was pulling up the rifle and tears just started pouring out of my eyes. I was literally sobbing like a baby as I was aiming, I wanted to miss the shot but at this point, my arm was so sore, it felt like it was going to fall off.
I couldn’t take much more of it. I tried once more to plead with my Dad, but he just pointed at the game and said nothing. Ok then…I took aim and squeezed off the trigger while trying to keep aim while my body was still shaking from crying so hard and then suddenly…click. Nothing happened. I sat in amazement for a second.
Did God just save my beautiful game? What was going on? I looked over at my Dad as he took the gun from me and worked the bolt action, and suddenly I realized that he had emptied the gun while I was walking the game downrange. He looked me in the eyes and said, “The next time you decide to disobey your mother or I, I want you to remember that this gun could have been loaded.”
Needless to say, my parents never had to ask me twice to put down the controller ever again.
#53 Mic Drop
Professor to student: “You’re not very far from a fool.” Student to professor: “No ma’am just two rows of chairs and a desk.” Then he stood up, left the room, and dropped her class.
#54 Small Fry
When I was four and my brother was six we were on our way to my great-grandfather’s funeral. My parents stop at McDonald’s and out of my brother’s small fry bag he pulls an 11″ fry. Impossible right? He yells to my parents to witness this awesome fry but before they can turn around I snatch it and eat it. He is upset. Whatever.
Cut to 12 years later. My brother and I are at the table and our friends are in the other part of the kitchen. Out of this bag of Wavy Lays, I pull a potato chip that is literally the size of my skull. No idea how this thing didn’t break in transit. I’m like, Oh my God! Guys, look at this chip! Before anyone can even turn their heads, my brother reaches across with his right hand and crushes the chip to crumbs.
I have crazy eyes bearing down on him and he simply says, “That’s for the fry.” 12 years later, he got his revenge.
#55 This Call Will Cost You
I saw a guy defend himself (not a good idea) against car theft by claiming the cops had the wrong guy. Just one problem: I got his calls from jail, where he described his crimes at length to his girlfriend. The look on his face when I told him I had copies of his jail calls: priceless.
#56 Defiant Dunce
I was in fifth grade, and for some reason, it was really warm outside even though it was in the dead of winter. I asked my Mom if I could wear shorts to school, and, as any sensible parent would, she told me no. Did that stop me? NOPE. I put on a pair of shorts under my jeans and headed on down to the bus stop. Now, I don’t know if you’ve seen someone wear a pair of shorts under a pair of jeans, but it’s noticeable.
My Mom clearly wasn’t a fool, so when I got home from school—feeling super clever, let me tell you—she was just waiting for me in the yard, neon poster board in hand. On a bright pink piece of poster, she had written, “I lied and defied my parents. Oh, what a dunce am I!” The other lime green poster was wrapped up into a cone-like a dunce cap.
She made me sit on a stool in my front yard, wearing the cap and holding the poster, for an hour, right when everyone was getting off work. Cars honked, people yelled, and Mom, watching the whole thing from the comfort of our front porch, laughed her head off. I’m a girl, so this was…this was mortifying. Especially when all the cute neighborhood boys rolled by.
#57 Perfect Comeback
A customer who was angry about something absolutely inconsequential said, “I’m never coming back, and I’m gonna tell all my friends!” The owner of the store replied, “Great, I doubt you have many.”
#58 Sibling Slaughter
I was adopted at four months old. It was never presented in a bad light, just a matter of fact. I’m the oldest in my adopted family. My younger brother in a raging fit over something: “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL BROTHER!!” Me: “Yep. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you.” Silence.
#59 Playing Mind Games
This older couple, around 70, would always come to this chain restaurant to eat every Sunday after church. While the wife was extremely polite, the guy was an absolute jerk. He often yelled and berated her along with the server. On one fateful day, I was graced with their presence once again. He was being his normal rude self toward me, and even worse to his wife on this particular occasion.
Finally, I had enough of his attitude. I said, “No matter what you say and what you do, I’ll have at least two minutes alone with your food. It will be right out.” The wife absolutely lost it laughing. He shot her a mean glare, and after hesitating a split second, she continued with even louder laughing. I never touched his food, and neither did he. They never came back.
#60 Think Fast!
I was on the bus a year or 2 back and a kid and his mom were seated in front of me. The kid kept screeching about wanting to ”press the button” (you press a button to notify the bus driver that you need to get off at the next stop) because he liked the beep it made. Every. Single. Bus stop. This little twat screeched asking if he could press it yet. Finally his mom said he could press the button.
I pressed it.
It only beeps for the first person to press it.
The little brat cried.
#61 Taxation Without Representation
I used to work at the front desk of a hotel. I once had a woman throw a complete temper tantrum because the state that we were in charged a six percent room tax. She absolutely DEMANDED that I remove the tax from her bill. I told her that we had no control whatsoever over taxes. She still wouldn’t accept the reality of taxes, so I printed off the contact information for her state representative and told her to direct her complaints to them. She did not like that at all. She started screaming at me, so I got my manager. My manager basically repeated what I had already said.
The woman grabbed the bowl of mints on our counter, threw it at my head, and stormed out. We had her credit card on file and charged her for the full amount.
#62 An Eye For An Eye
When I was about ten, my mom saw me scare a flock of birds on our lawn. She made me watch Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds as punishment.
This was while working with nine-year-old kids. We’re doing number problems and a kid is having trouble with a sum. The sum is “You have forty sweets. You give half your sweets to your friend. How many sweets do you have now.” I grab forty counters, and say to the kid “Here are forty sweets. If you give me half, how many will you have left?”
Kid turns to me. His deadpan reply was unbelievable: “I can’t give you the sweets. You aren’t my friend.”
#64 Typical Karen
When I was a server I would always record my tables’ orders. Even though my memory is good, my handwriting is bad so I didn’t want to take the risk of getting something wrong. My manager said it was ok and he even put a sign up stating that some of the staff may record your order for accuracy purposes. Seems normal, right?
At the beginning, I ask each person for their name before I take any drinks or food orders. One of the people at the table orders a steak well done, which is gross but whatever. Food comes and she said her steak was not medium rare like she wanted and I apologized and told her that she did order it well done. Here we go…
This sparked a big rant, lots of cussing, a call for the manager, etc. Again, I apologize and say let’s go to the tape. The look on her face when I played back the recording of “And Karen how would you like your steak?” was priceless. She tried to play off that it wasn’t her but nobody else ordered a steak at her table. Her friends just laughed at her.
#65 Speaking up
Went to see a local high school play set in Nazi Germany, two rich teen girls with their fancy handbags etc sat the row in front of me. They spent the whole show talking quite loudly about how the actors were so bad etc, and at one point said “this is why I go to private school, so I don’t have to sit through this all day.” As the intermission began and everyone was applauding the guy sitting next to me leant forward and told them “if you shut up you might learn something.”
The look on their face was priceless, and I didn’t hear a peep out of them for the rest of the play.
#66 Third-Degree Burns
At Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “Oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?” I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered: “By the looks of it, the genetic lottery.”
#67 Pays in More Ways Than One
I learned this one after receiving a “tip” from a server at a popular national chain. The server told me, “Our location has some discount options that we can apply at the push of the screen. Typically, we only use them when the customer presents ID or requests it, but once in a while we can use them to our advantage.” He was right. They could use those codes for extreme revenge.
“If I get particularly rude customers, especially if it’s a group of 40-something ladies who dress and act like they’re a wannabe cast of some version of Housewives, but are actually so cheap that they are coming to a place like this, I totally hit that seniors discount button before presenting their check. While they comb over the check because they just know I must have made errors, they see that I must have assumed they are in their 60s. I don’t care about reducing the price of their check. It’s not like they were going to tip me much anyway.”
#68 Gotta Hand It To Him
When I was about 13/14, there was this kid on the school bus who was about a year older than me and used to pick on me a lot. He was a total arrogant jerk. One time he came and sat next to me and tried to pull the old “Hey, did you know if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer?” (basically, the idea is you get the person to then hold their hand right against their face, and then you hit their hand causing them to hit themselves in the face)
I wasn’t falling for it, so he puts his hand against his own face in order to try and show me what to do. What do I do? Turn his own prank against him and smack his hand into his face. His nose starts bleeding quite badly. God that felt good.
#69 Settle Down, Beavis
I caught my kid watching Beavis and Butthead when he was eight, even though he knew it wasn’t allowed. As punishment, he joined me as I watched the entire final season of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
#70 Bon Appetit
I had been going through a rough patch with my GF at the time. We both worked at the same large chain grocery store and a lot of co-workers knew we were dating. One of the girls comes up to me when I’m closing and asks “are you still dating so-and-so? Because I just saw her in a coffee shop parking lot making out with some guy.”
I trusted this source, and she was very upset when she found out she had given me very hurtful news. Being an evil man, I began to plan my revenge. So I planned a romantic getaway a hour and a half from home. We go to a nice restaurant, and it was actually a good time.
At the end of the meal, I excuse myself to use the bathroom, I have a long drive ahead of me. I go up to our waiter and ask him to tell her that I know. Give him a $20 as a tip. After the bathroom, I snuck out of the place, got in my car, and just drove home without her. Her friend had to drive up, pay for the meal (she was dead broke), and drive her home. We haven’t talked since. Her friend told me I went a bit too far.
#71 Yes, I Do Know Who Your Mom Is
I used to work at a pony camp that catered to rich kids from a very nice neighborhood. We would have really spoiled kids all the time. While annoying, the most frustrating part is trying to maintain authority just so the little brats don’t get themselves killed by 1,000 lb animals.
Anyways, we had a maybe 10 yr old kid from some mildly famous sportscaster one week. Kid was just downright awful. She ignored everything we told her and was mean to the other kids in camp. At one point she started a physical fight with another girl and when she felt like she was getting beaten she started yelling “Do you know who my mom is?! I’m going to tell her!” The other kid got scared and started crying.
My coworker replied “Actually, I do know your mom and I know she wouldn’t like to hear about this. Why don’t I call her right now?” Little brat didn’t believe her so my coworker did. She was much easier to deal with the rest of the week. Turns out, my coworker worked with her mom many times over the years. She’s a professional makeup artist for tv and did her makeup more than a few times. Suck it, spoiled brat.
#72 Saved by his Words
There was literally thirty seconds left of class, and my buddy starts to pack up. The teacher didn’t seem to mind, but when the bell rang and buddy got up to leave, the teacher said the classic line: “The bell doesn’t dismiss you, I do.” Then buddy just continues to leave, gets in the doorway of the class and says, “If it decides when I come, it decides when I leave,” and leaves the class. It was *chef’s kiss* perfect.
#73 Sick of Seeing Her
I was once managing two stores while one of our other managers was on maternity leave. That day, I had a terrible cold and there was nobody available to replace me. So, I went to the store, opened it up, and went to take a nap in the back, leaving everything in the hands of my salespeople. That same day, this one woman showed up who always seemed to be returning whatever she had last bought, whether or not there was anything wrong with it.
Lo and behold, that was the reason she had come in this time too—she wanted to return some clothes. She walked in and immediately demanded to speak to the manager, screaming about how the salespeople could not be trusted. That was a big mistake. Imagine my face, red with fever, not wearing any makeup, and hair undone. I was scary looking.
I took back the clothing from her, then escorted her out of the store saying that I never wanted to see her again. I angrily informed her that she was a waste of my time and that our store no longer cared about satisfying her feelings by taking back her unwanted clothing. A couple of weeks later, I was at the other store—and guess who I saw? Yup, that woman.
She took one look at me from outside the door and immediately started walking away. Don’t mess with me when I’m sick.
#74 Choose Your Words Carefully
This is kind of a long one. I was working at a resort. The guest is a Type A jerk. He obviously has to be the “group leader” of a table full of four or five other dudes. During my spiel, I tell the table we are out of a certain THING—I don’t remember what or why. I start taking the table’s order and get to him. He asked for the thing we were out of and I reiterated: we were out of it.
He then said he’d have to call up his good friend, the general manager, and see if they could find any for him. I said: “You’re more than welcome to do so but the number on the business card you picked up at the front is an office number, not their personal phone. Also, they’re the one that just told me we’re out of this thing. Maybe if you called in advance to let your GOOD FRIEND know you were coming we could have held some back specially for you.”
Now this may not seem all that destructive but to this guy, at this table full of his colleagues, it was BRUTAL. He TRIED to save face but it failed so hard. He said, “Well, if you can’t keep your food in stock then we probably should have gone somewhere else to eat.” The gauntlet has been thrown down. I said, “That’s an excellent idea, sir. Would you like me to check if there is a table free at our steakhouse?”
He said yes and then he started talking to the other guys in the group like somehow the restaurant was in the wrong here. They’re ALL just looking at him like he’s a complete jerk, because he is. I go to the phone, call the steakhouse, and ask if they have space for ONE. They do. Good. Back to the table. I said, “You’ll be happy to know, sir, that our steakhouse is able to accommodate you and will have a table waiting when you arrive.”
This guy, in the rudest voice he can muster, which is nowhere NEAR as rude as I could be, said, “THANK YOU for SOME KIND of service.” He turns to the rest of the table and says, “Let’s go, guys.” That’s when I say, “I’m sorry, sir, I was under the impression you would be dining alone and didn’t ask if they could take a party this size. I assumed they’d be dining with us seeing as they all ordered items we have available.”
The guy just looks dumbfounded and while he’s standing there trying to process this one of the dudes at the table chimes in: “Don’t worry about it, head on down there. We’ll meet up at the bar for drinks later.” The rude grabs his drink, says nothing, and walks out. He hits the door and the rest of the table goes into that quiet “what a jerk” laugh that only men of a certain age and income bracket are able to do properly.
Later on, the dude called my manager and complained about me. When my manager talked to the other guys at the table, they had my back the entire way. It was beautiful.
#75 You Just Made it to the Big Leagues
My roommate from college worked with this beautiful woman. When I say beautiful, what I mean is “way out of my league.” At the time, she was dating this good looking idiot who cared more about his hair than he did about her. I went by the store where they worked on Valentine’s Day and discovered that she was upset for a heartbreaking reason.
The idiot didn’t even call her on, in her own words, “the most romantic day of the year.” So, I threw all caution to the wind, said “Screw it,” and went down to the local florist to buy her a bouquet of a dozen red roses. I brought them to her and told her that she deserved better than what she had. Two weeks ago, we celebrated 28 years of marriage.
#76 TV Casualty
This happened in California. I had a BB gun leaning on the wall near me, and I refused to do the dishes when I was 15-ish. Next thing I knew, the BB gun was pumped a few times behind my head and my TV screen got shot three times.
I did the dishes.
#77 Non-Verbal I Told You so
A buddy of mine was serving a table with an eight-year-old kid. He gives her an adult glass for her apple juice. The dad pipes up and says he doesn’t want her having all that sugar so he needed to take it away and come back with a kid-sized one. My friend replied that the glasses are the same size but the adult size just looks bigger because they have thick bottoms.
The dad responds that “the adult glass is clearly bigger and LIKE I SAID I don’t want her to have all that sugar.” My buddy is a jerk. He gives a super deliberate exaggerated nod, says nothing, and marches to our little service alley behind the bar. He re-emerges with a kid’s cup, sets it down beside the glass, picks up the glass and pours the adult glass, lifting it progressively higher until the last drop is dropped from like a foot over the glass. I died.
#78 Driving Himself Crazy
Throughout the divorce proceedings, there was a car that was a huge point of contention between the husband and wife. After months and months of saying he would never let the wife have the car, the husband concedes in exchange for something great, like one of their summer houses. It turns out he had been driving the car for three hours every day in a big loop around the city, putting thousands and thousands of miles on it, basically making it worthless.
The amount of planning and spite that went into that was amazing.
#79 Why Are People So Terrible?
When I was a waiter, I once had a woman and her friends at one of my tables. The woman asked for a can of Coca-Cola. When I brought their drinks and gave the woman her Coke, she looked at me, and, in that typical rich person voice, said “Excuse me, honey? I asked for Fanta, not Coke.” So I apologized, wrote it onto my notepad, and went back to get her a can of Fanta.
Brought it to her, and again, she turned to me and said, “I didn’t ask for Fanta, I asked for Cream Soda.” By this time, I was getting a bit annoyed, but went back and got her a Cream Soda anyway. And surely, when I returned to her table, she did the same thing again, “I asked for Sprite. Should I call the manager?”
So, for the last time, I smiled and I went back to the kitchen and packed one can of each: Coke, Cream Soda, Fanta, Sprite, Pepsi and Sparberry Soda, into a small plastic box and took it all to her and said “Here you go, miss, take your pick.” She looked offended and almost made a scene. She started lecturing me about how I’m incapable of getting the simplest order right and that she wants to talk to the restaurant’s manager.
I told her that I can call him, and that I’ll show him all the soda types I wrote on my notepad that she asked for, and we can get his opinion on the matter. She turned and took her darn Sprite out of the plastic box and said, “Just leave it.” Her friends were silent throughout the whole ordeal and none of them gave me any issues further on. I didn’t receive a tip, as expected, but I shrugged it off.
#80 Anything You Can Do, She Can Do Better
I’m a female and I work in a video game store. One time, some guy walked right up to the counter and asked if there was a male around that he could speak to. At first, I thought that he had said manager, so I went to get my male manager. The guy’s mother then explained to me that he just didn’t think that a girl would know what to do about his problem.
He refused to tell me the problem for over 10 minutes, as our manager was busy with something else and not ready to see him yet. When he finally gave in and described the problem, I was able to immediately tell him what was wrong straight up. He refused to believe me and insisted on waiting for the manager to come out. Finally, our manager came out a few minutes later, the guy explained the problem again, and our manager said the exact same thing that I had just said.
It was nothing short of pure bliss seeing this customer’s face register the fact that I knew more about his freakin’ Xbox than he did!
#81 Ladies and Germs
I can speak German. At my job in a museum, there was once a group of people who came in. However, they didn’t come to see the museum. They just came to sit on our benches, throw a soccer ball around, and act generally as one does outside having a picnic—not sitting inside a museum. I asked them to stop throwing the ball around and to be a little quieter. Their reaction made my blood boil.
They didn’t really respond and kept on doing what they were doing as if I didn’t exist. I then hear one of the girls say in German: “That woman is so stupid. We can do whatever we want here, the ball won’t hurt anything.” I immediately snapped back into German “Yes, it can. Now, you need to either stop kicking the ball around or leave.” They looked horrified and left right away.
#82 Eh B’y?
My history teacher would spend half the class making jokes directed at the students. One student in particular always took the jokes on the chin and never really made any comebacks. Eventually, the teacher called him out and jokingly lectured him about standing up for himself. He ended his rant with, “You’ve gotta be a man. You’ve gotta be like me.”
The student replied with the greatest burn I have ever heard. “Well, which one? Do you want me to be a man or do you want me to be like you?”
#83 Well, I Guess He Walked Right Into That One…
My lawyer dad had a person come in and he couldn’t walk because of some “injury” at work. At the time, my dad was skeptical so he hired a psychologist to do an examination on him, and she found out that something COULD be wrong, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Jump to next week, my dad ends up with a video in his hands of the person WALKING down their driveway to take out the trash.
Busted. So my dad called them and told them “Hey come on in, we have a breakthrough in your case, and you can get some money for your injury.” So the guy comes to his office, and he leaves him sitting in the lobby for almost an hour because my dad knows this guy is a scumbag just trying to get money over nothing (which makes lawyers look bad).
So then my dad calls him into the meeting room, and plays the video. The guy walked out.
#84 Sold out of Love
Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad’s accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay. I paid the card.
I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills. There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns.
A week or so later, she had a screaming foot stomping tantrum about how it wasn’t worth her time to work her eBay business. (Because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought).
Yeah, I cracked a smile.
The story ends thusly: I later traded the stolen money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc. She walked away with less than she’d have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house.
Our divorce was final four months ago.
#85 A Serving of Superiority
When I was in high school, I dated a guy who repeatedly cheated on me with his ex. I found out after we’d broken up, and I told him off and broke off contact. A few years later, I’d finished college and started working at a publishing company where I often get free tickets to cultural events in town.
My boss gave me tickets to the opera and also tickets to the little VIP events where they serve free food and wine at intermission and after the show. The first time I’d seen the girl my ex cheated with was at the little VIP intermission gathering.
I was sitting there munching on hors d’oeuvres and sipping wine when I saw her. She was clearing tables with the catering crew. She made eye contact for one second and then immediately turned away and was obviously avoiding me for the rest of the night. It was perfect.
#86 An Unconvincing Performance
When video stores were a thing that existed, I assistant-managed one under this real witch who, frankly, didn’t have any business managing anything more complicated than a curling iron.
One night, she convinced her thuggy husband to fake-rob her after closing. To make a long story short, they didn’t get away with it, and they both went to jail. THE END.
#87 Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew my ex wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out to dinner and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly 2 months, the guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in 2 days…soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.
#88 Just Throw out the Whole Man
My great-great-grandparents had an interesting case. He was abusive, like “pimp her out and then beat her for infidelity” levels of abuse. This was the 1910s, though, and in our state, you couldn’t initiate a divorce for cruelty. In fact, the only possible grounds for divorce was infidelity. A few times, she tried just leaving him anyway.
Once he came home from work and she, plus all eight of their kids, were just gone. But he always found them, and since they were still married, he had every right to grab the kids and go back home with them. Finally, she moved out and went to live with another man. She flaunted the new guy around town until her no-good husband got embarrassed enough to sue her for divorce on the grounds of infidelity.
Although she couldn’t read or write, she put her X on those papers the minute he served her. It was a major local scandal (very Catholic community, divorce was rare), but she got what she needed to be safe.
#89 Having Your Chocolate and Eating It Too
I worked at an independent chocolate shop that sold various flavors of truffles, brownies, and drinks. We also had non-dairy options, vegan options, and nut free options available. A woman demanded to speak to the manager because we did not have a “dairy free, nut free, sugar-free, vegan” option. Luckily, the owner literally just laughed and said, “We do have one, it’s called water.”
I have never seen such entitled rage in my life!
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