60 Incredibly Short, Clean, Jokes That Are Actually Funny

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Everyone needs a go-to joke that they’re ready to use in any situation. You probably have your favorite knock-knock jokes or the-chicken-crossed-the-road jokes, but sometimes you need to step up your game a bit; say, when you’re at an office party or at your cousin’s wedding. But you definitely don’t want to be like your weird uncle who always makes things inappropriate. You also can’t be that annoying coworker who takes too long to get to the point.

To help your quest in breaking awkward silences and impressing everyone at your next shindig, here are some short and clean jokes submitted by internet users everywhere. Disclaimer: Puns ahead—stay away if you’re too cool for puns.

#1 Let’s Hit The Ground Running With Flip-Flops

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

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#2 A Majik Boye

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

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#3 This One Really Hooks You In

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Never Lands.

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#4 This One Steals The Show

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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#5 And Sometimes I Say Things More Than Once…

I’m told I’m redundant. I also repeat myself.

#6 This Isn’t Where I thought It Was Going

Wanna know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
“Wonder how far I can kick this bucket?”

#7 Her Lips Are Sealed (But Actually)

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

#8 Show Some Respect, Man.

A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.

The librarian says, “This is a library.”

The man, says, “Oh. Sorry.” (Then in a whisper) “I’d like some fish and chips.”

#9 Part One Of The Strangest Situation Ever

What happened to the man running behind the car?

He was exhausted.

#10 And Part Two Is Even Better

What happened to the man running in front of the car?

He was tired.

#11 Hopefully This Helped Him Change His Outlook

I had to get an eye exam the other day but I made an appointment with an optimist by accident. All he could tell me was that my glasses were half-full.

#12 Just Let Them Go Play

Somebody once told me to stop playing Smash Mouth.

I said, “Hey now…”

Wazula42

#13 Sounds Like Their Home Life Is Complicated

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

WikiWantsYourPics

#14 Helpful.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said “40.”

[deleted]

#15 Saving This One For Cinco De Mayo

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, “Uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.

Dust_Pan_Ninja

#16 This Drug Dealer Has A Versatile Business Strategy

I bought some shoes from a dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

ImHully

#17 Hopefully No One Flew Off the Handle 

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

Spysquirrel

#18 This Joke Isn’t Very Deeply Rooted

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

#19 A Tale As Old As Time

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

u/DaveStark

#20 There’s An Elephant In The Room

I bought my friend an elephant in his room.

He said, “Thanks.”

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

[deleted]

#25 Should’ve Read The Product Reviews

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s terrible.

#22 A Light-hearted joke. 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

#23 They Didn’t Have To Dig Too Deep For This Joke 

I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. They told me, “Cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water.”

I know they meant well.

#24 Duh, Get Your Head Out Of The Gutter

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

joe_archer

#25 What Are Those Four Guys On Horses Doing Over There? 

So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.

#26 For Those Who Paid Attention In History Class 

Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

-georgie

#27 … And One For Those Who Paid Attention In Biology Class 

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

bonanzoid

#28 Totally Not Self-Aware 

I’ve been told I’m condescending.

(That means I talk down to people.)

iblinkyoublink

#29 A Lot Of People Go In And Out Of This Program 

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

phD_in_Random

#30 This Bar Doesn’t Serve Punch 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

The bartender says, “If you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line.” The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

justacheesyguy

#31 Honestly This Is My Favorite From the Whole List: 

What do we want?

Low-flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Tetragon213

#32 Old Pirate

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

“Aye matey.”

Wicked_Wanderer

#33 Being A Body Guard Isn’t All It’s Quacked Up To Be 

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the President is in danger. Instead of yelling “Get down!” They have to yell, “Donald, duck!”

 ThroughDifferentEyes

#34 They’re An Enlightening Crowd To Hang Out With 

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It’s a pretty obscure number, you probably never heard of it.

caca_milis_

#35 Hopefully This One Doesn’t Go Over His Head… 

What’s ET short for?

He’s only got little legs.

[deleted]

#36 Not That close! Darn it, Not Again! 

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

Totally_Generic_Name

#37 We Need A Dog-Sized Parachute 

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the heck out of their dogs.

#38 He Just Wants A Competition That Displays His Strengths 

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest. Upon arrival, he realized he misunderstood the objective.

SuitedHarvey

#39 Kids These Days 

The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

PM_ME_UR_AUDI_TTs

#40 Afterwards, You Can Play Bloody Mario in the Bathroom Mirror 

How do you talk to Italian spirits?

With a Luigi board.

Pubtubr

#41 Just Counting the Days Until Their Release… 

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They both got six months.

misterspaceman

#42 Eggs-actly What He Ordered 

Why does a Frenchman only have one egg at breakfast?

Un oeuf is enough.

Grib_Suka

#43 I Heard It’s A Bird’s Course 

What is a bird’s favorite type of math?

Owl-gebra.

Electric_Cat

#44 It’s Not Paranoia If They’re Actually Following You 

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

Librarian: “They’re right behind you!”

KyZeRX01

#45 Self-Awareness

What do we want? CLICKBAIT!

When do we want it? The answer will shock you…

AndyVale

#46 Wheel Done

Did you hear about the invention of the wheel? They say it started a revolution.

Hi-Im-Joey

#47 Always Ahead Of The Game

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

plax1780

#48 How To Steal Someone’s Shoes

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

BoxxxerUOP

#49 Cole’s Law

“Have you heard of Murphy’s Law?”

“Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong.”

“What’s about Cole’s law?”

“No.”

“It’s a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream.”

K2P2C

#50 The Rabbi Barista

How does a rabbi make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

P3rro

#51 Gotta Love Oasis

Give a man a guitar, and he’ll have music for a day, but teach a man the guitar, and today’s gonna be the day that we’re gonna throw it back to you.

Kazaril

#52 No Love For Koala

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

ImHully

#53 Game, Set, Match

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

[deleted]

#54 Oopsie Daisy

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. He didn’t see it coming.

ImHully

#55 Pretty Straightforward

What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

Whoa_a_Bagel

#56 Orange You Clever

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” and I said, “No it doesn’t.”

[deleted]

#57 Oh, Science

Tell me a joke about Potassium.

K.

[deleted]

#58 Buddhist Theory

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

onequbit

#59 Gone Too Soon

Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist.

WowInternet

#60 What’s A Hard Drink?

A man was hit in the head with a soda.

Good thing it was a soft drink!

Yeasty_Geese

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