Parents With Toddlers Share The Most Illogical Breakdown They’ve Ever Had
Toddlers. Some have described them as, “tiny, perpetually tipsy people,” “germ machines in adorable packages,” and “walking, talking patience-testers.” Never have I ever heard toddlers described as logical, totally sensical beings. It seems to be a universally-acknowledged fact among parents that children of that age are going to throw tantrums over things that make no sense to anyone older than they are.
The stories below are from parents and caretakers of small children; children who have not yet mastered the complexities of logical thought. They share with us stories of the most hysterical (in both the amusing and insane meanings of the word) breakdowns their toddler has had. Read on for some pretty good laughs.
#1 Cones Of Terror!
I took my son camping when he was still a toddler. While we were taking a hike, he just started pointing at something and SCREAMED HIS HEAD OFF. It was a pine cone. He was terrified of it. Then, every other one he saw, he would absolutely flip out. I took him camping again last year and he is over it, thankfully.
#2 Burger Heresy
When my daughter was three years old, we went to a restaurant. She got upset that my hamburger had an egg on it. She told me she didn’t want to eat it, even though I hadn’t even offered any of it to her. She wouldn’t even touch her own food. She did not calm down until I finished it. When she’s older, she’ll understand that eggs on hamburgers can be heavenly.
#3 Territorial Over Bodily Waste
One of my toddlers threw a fit because the other had flushed her own #1 down the toilet. Then, a fight broke out over whose #1 it was and who should have flushed it. Never, as a parent, did I think that I’d have to deal with my kids fighting over who gets to flush the toilet. As cute as they are now, I really I cannot wait until they are older.
#4 The Unknowing Wins The Race
I slowly walked up the stairs with my son trailing behind me. I heard him wailing when I reached the top. When I turned around, I saw him full-blown sobbing, with his face down on the stairs. Unbeknownst to me, we had been racing and I won. He was upset that I went up faster than he did. Nowadays, I always let him walk in front of me because I never know when we’re racing or not.
#5 Where’s The Magic Bird?
We were trying to teach him to be polite. He asked for a snack, so we delivered the classic “What’s the magic word?” Cue a full-scale meltdown over the fact he misheard us. Apparently, he thought we told him that we couldn’t provide him a “magic bird”. The worst part is he wouldn’t stop crying. We really considered buying him a pet bird after that, but then we taught him how to make origami cranes and he finally stopped crying.
#6 Score One For The Parents!
Every time it’s bath time, my three-year-old cries and screams that the water is too hot. This starts as soon as she goes into the bathroom and before she even touches the water. After about two months of her crying about the water being too hot, I finally gave her a cool bath and within 30 seconds of her being in the tub she said, “Well, maybe I want a little warm water.”
#7 The Note Of Remembrance
About a week ago, my daughter and I were in a Target parking lot walking to our car after making a small purchase. I let her hold the receipt. She ended up dropping it and the wind picked it up, blowing it out into the street into heavy traffic. “DADDY! DADDY! WE HAVE TO GO GET THE NOTE,” she yelled. “Sorry, sweetpea, it’s in the street, we can’t get it. It’s gone.”
For like, 20 minutes, she cried about that receipt. She even asked if we could go home, get her magnifying glass toy and come back to look for it because that’s what you do when something gets lost. Even a week later, she still brought up the ‘Lost Note’. “Daddy, when we go back to Target can we look for the receipt?” Good grief.
#8 Pink Is Delicious
My two-year-old son has been eating only his pink-colored Play-Doh. He doesn’t put any other foreign objects in his mouth. I had to hide from his set every shade of red because he learned mixing white will make pink. It’s been a full blowout every morning with him asking for red Play-Doh. He’s going to figure out that he can color white with red magic markers.
#9 Dreaming In Tantrums
My son woke up last week at 3 a.m., screaming at the top of his lungs. He wanted to go outside, then come back inside by himself. After an hour of working through it, I came to understand that he had been dreaming that I had brought him inside, and he didn’t want to come inside yet. He assumed I knew exactly what the problem was since I was the cause of it.
I tried to rationalize with him that it was dark outside and that we should go back to bed, but no dice. His crying intensified after that. So ultimately, my wife (who had woken up in the midst of the tantrum) and I took him out to the balcony at the back of the house. We let him see that it was 1) dark, and 2) ice cold outside. Then he came back inside, sniffled, and went back to sleep.
#10 The Dirt Gives It Flavor
My toddler dropped her fry on the floor, so I picked it up and threw it away. Cue the screams. She ran over to the trash because it didn’t matter that there was a whole container still full of fresh fries. She wanted that one fry that had fallen on the floor because apparently, it was special compared to the rest of the fries in the container.
#11 Crying Over Unspilt Milk
She said she wanted milk so I made her a cup of it. I came back and she said she didn’t want it. She threw a fit because she didn’t want the milk. I reminded her that she was the one who asked for it. She literally stopped crying and went, “Oh,” then she took the milk and went back to watching her iPad. You need a lot of patience to be a parent…
#12 Its Middle Name Is Purple
My toddler threw a tantrum because I did not agree to paint our house purple. Last week, it was because she had a middle name. And now, my wife just told me that during tonight’s bedtime routine, our daughter asked whether our dog had a middle name. My wife told her she wasn’t sure and that my daughter should ask me in the morning. I’m not sure what my answer should be. My best option may be to distract her by painting the house purple.
#13 Punish Me More!
She got put in timeout for hitting her baby sister. She did perfectly fine the whole time, but when I told her she was all done, she collapsed on the ground crying. Why? “I want more time out,” she screamed. After that moment, my husband and I had to figure out new ways to discipline her. What kind of toddler enjoys being put in timeout?
#14 The Special Corner
My nephew is four years old. His latest thing has been going #2 in a corner. He has been potty trained for a while now but he has decided that he doesn’t like the bathroom anymore for going #2. He will go into the hallway and do the deed there instead. He will squat down and just start going for it. But if you walk in on him or watch him from the living room, he will hold out his hand to block you from seeing him.
If you watch him, he will throw himself on the ground and start crying while still going #2. He will only do that at home, and he has no problem using the bathroom anywhere else. I think it’s the most toddler thing ever and I cried laughing the first time I saw it. My sister doesn’t find it funny and is beside herself with what to do.
#15 Wants To Eat Nothing
My two-year-old walked into my office, saying, “Mommy I’m hungry.” So I asked, “Okay buddy, what would you like to eat?” He then proceeded to throw himself on the floor and immediately go into full lizard-brain meltdown mode. “I DON’T WANNA EAT ANYTHING!!!” I really don’t understand kids sometimes. Can they just grow up already…
#16 Wannabe Chicken Jockey
We raise chickens in our backyard. My son loves going outside to watch them and feed them. The other day, he threw himself on the ground and cried for almost 30 minutes because I wouldn’t let him ride a chicken. I told him that all the chickens were too small to support his weight but he didn’t want to hear any of it.
#17 All Hail Dora
She cried because Dora the Explorer says “cinco” with an “s” sound and my Spanish friend told her that in Spain, they pronounce it “thinco” with a “th.” Given the onslaught of screaming, rolling around the floor and repeatedly shouting “NO it’s sinco,” I presume that Dora’s word is law and cultural differences mean nothing at all in her little three-year-old world.
#18 Doesn’t Want To Be An Egg
My son loves dinosaurs. He talks about them all the time and watches nothing but dinosaur stuff on YouTube. Put a toy dinosaur in front of him though, and he freaks out. He’s a little over two years old and so I figured it was safe to show him my Amiibo collection. He was amazed by Mario, Luigi, Peach, Pikachu, Donkey Kong. We got to Yoshi and he became absolutely terrified.
#19 Swinging Only One Way
My little brother had a full-on breakdown because he wanted to swing. We had a swing and it was in front of him. He wanted for it to swing only in one direction (as in, to only be on one side of the swing when swinging, without not going backward). I had to explain to him it wasn’t possible because physics just wouldn’t let that happen.
#20 Just A Quick Jaunt Across The Pond
This afternoon, my kid had a huge strop because we didn’t take him to “America” last Friday. He wanted to go to his “America house,” but we had no idea what he was referring to. We obviously don’t have a house in the USA, and we certainly can’t time travel to last Friday and fly off to America randomly. What a weird kid we have.
#21 Real War Over Imaginary Candy
I have two toddlers: a boy and a slightly younger girl. While on a car ride, the boy pretended he had a lollipop (yes, an imaginary lollipop) and he refused to share it with his sister. It escalated to the point that the girl was bawling her eyes out, screaming for him to share this nonexistent lollipop. My wife started screaming at the son to share the damn lollipop… that didn’t exist.
#22 Looping Tantrum
He threw a toy car in my general direction. I took the car away and told him sternly that we don’t throw toys at people. He got upset and cried, as toddlers do. But he’s a cuddly one, and when he’s upset, he likes to be held. Since I was the one who made him upset, so he didn’t want me. My husband ended up hugging him to save the day.
#23 Eat Your Garlic Knot And Have It Too
She was playing with her food when it was time to clean the table, so I told her if she didn’t eat her garlic knot, I would. She cried at the thought. So I went to grab it, and she took it from me and yelled, “MINE”, and ate it. She then cried that her garlic knot was gone. There is just no winning with this kid. She’s lucky she’s a cutie.
#24 Pineapple Or Ham Pizza?
I was visiting my sister-in-law and her family. She has a three-year-old. They asked her if she wanted pineapple on her pizza, she said yes. They made the pizza, and we sat down. Then, out of nowhere, she started screaming, saying that she didn’t want to eat it. After some questioning, she told us she didn’t want pineapple on her pizza, and that she hated it.
After many failed attempts to calm her, someone realized that she had already picked off and eaten the pineapple from her pizza. She was still upset though, since it was a pineapple pizza, even though there wasn’t even pineapple on it. We finally convinced her that it was actually a ham pizza and that everything was fine. She calmed right down and finished dinner.
#25 Illogical Or Protective?
My four-year-old daughter has a breakdown every time one of her brothers tries to go for the outside doorknob of my apartment building. I’m the only one who’s allowed to open that one. She has no issue with them opening the door to my apartment or any other door, just that particular one. The worst part is, that door makes a sound when it’s opened, so she knows if someone used it without being in the room.
#26 Book In The Book Bag
Today, before school, my daughter took her folder out of her book bag while we were waiting for her bus. I told her to put it back before her bus came but she refused; so I put it back in her book bag just as her bus pulled up. Her tantrum was over level 9,000. I had to carry her to her bus as she screamed through her tears, kicking my chest and trying to grab the doors as I carried her. “I hate you! I want a new family! I hate you, I hate you!!” I thought it was pretty funny.
#27 Lawn Mower “Theft”
Our mower was serviced. The guy came over, picked up the mower and was to drop it off afterward. My son cried for 30 minutes solid, then off and on every five to 15 minutes until he dropped it back off. I tried explaining that he was only fixing the mower and would bring it right back to him. My sobbing, almost three-year-old would reply, while wiping his tears, “Okay. I’m okay. It’s okay.”
#28 This House Is Ruined!
My two-year-old was hysterical this past weekend because the cat puked on the floor right in the path of how she got into the kitchen. She went on about how she could never go into the kitchen again. This wouldn’t have been so bad had I not told her that the cat puked all the time and we just clean it up. She was then inconsolable because the house was ruined and we had to move. She said she couldn’t live in our gross house anymore. She refused to walk for several hours and cried every time we put her down on the floor. Finally, she got some candy and forgot about the whole thing.
#29 Sticker Disaster
My two-year-old had a complete breakdown because he found an old sticker that was no longer sticky. It wouldn’t stick to his shirt, so he put it into his shirt pocket and got even madder because it fell in too deep. When I tried to help him get it out, he sat down, laid on his back, and screamed while flailing his legs in the air.
I let him have his moment, then I went to my room, where he followed me with his sticker (which was no longer in the pocket). He threw it on the ground and said “Uh-oh,” then he came over to me. When he was leaving, he stepped on the sticker and it stuck to the bottom of his foot, so naturally, he pulled his foot out from under himself to get the sticker. Once again, he was mad….because the sticker wouldn’t stick to his shirt. Honestly, I had to keep walking away because I was laughing so hard and couldn’t maintain a straight face.
#30 Theatrical Panicking
My 14-month-old nephew was enjoying bits of my sister’s slice of birthday cake that she shared with him. Eventually, as often happens, when one eats cake, the slice was gone. He requested another bite by holding his hand out to her. She showed him the empty plate and politely informed him “All gone!” My nephew looked at his mother with the most outraged expression of betrayal I have ever seen.
Then, with a continuous, agonized wail, he ran to the recliner and bashed his head into the cushion. He then ran to the OTHER recliner, bashed his head into THAT cushion, and then ran away, Muppet-panic-hands style into the kitchen to tell his father of our injustices, while still wailing. If he channels that energy into theatre, he’ll be unstoppable.
#31 Hungry Or Not Hungry
Tonight, while my wife and I were making dinner, my four-year-old son came into the kitchen asking for food. We told him to wait a bit because dinner was almost ready. He started a full-blown tantrum, crying his eyes out because he was so hungry! We told him to calm down and that it would be just a little while until the food was ready.
Nothing we said worked and he kept on crying. Then, my other son, eight-years-old, called his brother to look at something on the game he was playing. The young one immediately stopped crying and acted as if the last five minutes didn’t happen. When dinner was finally ready, we called them and he said that he wasn’t hungry anymore.
#32 Exacting Over Toast
When my kid was two years old, she loved bread, but she was very specific about her toast. She actually liked her TOAST with a light burn and a tiny bit of butter. If you asked her if she wanted toast, she would say NO and act like you were a BARBARIAN. If you gave her bread with butter, she’d think you were trying to poison her. And if you forget the butter? “This bread is scratchy. Don’t like.”
#33 A Mousy Falling Out
When my little cousin was three-years-old, he LOVED Mickey Mouse. One day, we were having him and the rest of the family over for breakfast. I decided to make him special pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head, using blueberries and whipped cream to resemble his face. I was so excited to see the smile on his face when I served him those pancakes but instead, he started crying and said, “I HATE MICKEY!”
Apparently, he and Mickey had a falling out that I was unaware of and I had to go make him regular pancakes because he refused to eat the Mickey ones. Honestly, I thought it was strange because when I was a kid, I probably would have been more eager to eat Mickey if I hated him. Kids really do have a reverse logic sometimes. It’s funny, but I’ll never understand it.
#34 No Possible Victory
She’s a bit young for words so I go off wriggles and tears. She wanted to be put down, but when I lowered her, she cried and asked to be picked up. Then, when picked her back up, she would try to wriggle free of my grasp. I repeated this a few times until I realized I couldn’t win. At some point, I just left her with her mom.
#35 Daddy Neck
When my son was just two years old, he figured out that my proper name wasn’t “mommy.” He cried and cried and cried for a day, and then called me “Amy mommy.” The next day, he was brave enough to ask what daddy’s name was. “Nick,” my husband said. My son wore the expression demonstrating the stupidest thing a two-year-old has ever heard: “Daddy’s name is NECK?”
#36 The Bagel Cycle
I split a bagel with cream cheese with my three-year-old niece. As I picked up my half of the bagel to eat, she cried and said that she wanted my half. Fine, I didn’t argue and I gave it to her. I went to eat the other half sitting on the plate and just as I was going to take a bite, she cried “NOOO.” She said she wanted mine and basically didn’t want anything to do with the current bagel in her hand. I went in one more time until I gave up. I figured I’d wait for her to finish eating, but NO, she didn’t want to eat unless I ate with her. So the cycle started all over again.
#37 The Fun Is Overwhelming
I took my son to the park. He went on the climbing frame, then down the slide. All of sudden, he threw the mother of all hissy fits while kicking at the slide. I knelt down all dad-like to calm him down, then asked why he was kicking the slide. His answer: ” I hate it! It’s too fun!” He was literally upset that the slide gave him too much joy.
#38 Illogical Morning Routine
I asked my three-year-old if she wanted cereal. She said no. Then, 30 seconds later, she started crying. I asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted cereal. Then after giving her cereal, I asked her if she wanted milk. She said no. I turned around and started counting. The crying started up again 10 seconds later. I asked her what was wrong. She wanted milk. This is my life. Every morning.
#39 The Great Unknowable Something
My two-year-old had a breakdown while I was changing her into her pajamas. Tears were streaming down her face and she was freaking out. Did I hurt her? No. Did she want to take her shirt off? No. Did she want help putting her pajamas on? No. I had no idea what was wrong. She was literally crying gibberish at me. Not even words. Not even close to words. Tears were still streaming down her face. After a while I finally got her dressed and put her in bed. She was still crying a bit, so I left and skipped the story time routine. She went to sleep after about five minutes. My BEST guess? She was super tired, but who the heck really knows.
#40 Cause Must Come Before Effect
One of my friend’s kids had a full-on meltdown because she hadn’t eaten her ice cream yet. Not that she COULDN’T eat it. She could. It was right in front of her; it was her dessert. But the fact that she had to go through the process of eating the ice cream in order to get the end point of having eaten the ice cream (and being happy) seemed intolerable to her.
#41 The Yellow House Of Chicken Things
My sister called me in work, almost in tears, because she was in the car with my nephew who wanted to “go to the yellow house” when he didn’t want pizza. They don’t get takeaway often, so this was a treat. The other two kids were fine having whatever, but everyone still piled into the car and drove through the town looking for the fabled “yellow house” of toddler lore.
It wasn’t the Chinese take away joint, it wasn’t the four chicken shops they passed by, it wasn’t the Italian place that also does fish and chips. The youngest nephew was literally bawling, getting more and more hysterical and upset. My brother-in-law, god love him, was about to lose it in the passenger seat, so my sister called me, almost crying to ask me what the heck her youngest son could possibly mean.
They drove past the mall which had every restaurant you could think of and they listed them all out. Of course, he wanted NONE of them. They were almost driving out of town with the little maniac strapped into the backseat and I was like, well, they’ve driven past it all now what the heck could he possibly… “MCDONALD’S!! He wants McDonald’s!!!! It’s nuggets!” All I could hear my sister say was, “Nuggets?! THAT LITTLE BUM HAS HELD US HOSTAGE!!” My three-year-old nephew bawled his eyes out and kept everyone starving in a car for 20 minutes because he couldn’t remember what his favorite takeaway place was called.
#42 Choose Your Words Carefully
We refer to my son’s naps as “rests,” but sometimes we’ll slip and call it a nap. On Easter, he got some bubbles as a gift and was saying how excited he was to play with them after his “rest.” He asked me if I wanted to play with them, too, and I said, “Yep, after your nap.” He lost his mind. He started crying and screaming about how he wanted to do it after his rest, not his nap.
#43 Existential Bathroom Crisis
My daughter went to the bathroom to go #1 and came out 30 seconds or so later crying. Why? She had been bored sitting on the toilet waiting for all of it to come out and it occurred to her that she had a whole life of being bored sitting on the toilet for 30-second increments.
#44 I Blame Aliens
I was out doing a little bit of shopping with my three-year-old. I was just merrily pushing the cart along when she suddenly stopped at the start of the next aisle. She started screaming bloody murder. Being the ever concerned father, I all but trip over myself to get to her.
“Baby girl, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Why are you crying? Did you step on something?”
“NO, I’M SCARED!”
“Why are you scared?”
“BECAUSE I’M CRYING!”
This went on for about five minutes. And then she just stopped, smiled, and said, “Okay, let’s go!” We finished shopping without any other incidents, and I still can’t figure out what happened. I’m leaning towards aliens.
#45 All The No
With my son, everything is “No.” Want to go to bed? No. Want to eat a snack? No. Want to play with your trucks? No. So, it’s always a bit of a fight to get him to do anything without intervention. It’s become so bad that he would say no to his own suggestion.
“Okay, let’s play trucks.”
“But you said play trucks.”
“Okay, let’s play.”
“Buddy, it was your idea!”
On and on it went. For an hour. I found my wife in the kitchen absolutely dying of laughter, trying to keep it together.