Parents Share The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Child Has Ever Screamed In Public
Children say the darndest things. We can never predict what will come out of their mouths when they are in those magical years of learning how to speak. While their vocabulary grows every day, they haven’t yet developed a proper filter for what is socially acceptable to say and what isn’t. The parents of particularly vocal children live knowing that at any moment their child could say something wildly inappropriate.
The stories in this list are from these long-suffering parents. Their child had been somewhere public and just had to say something that just should never be uttered. Personally, I hope my children will be the quiet type; although, having outspoken kids surely makes for an interesting experience.
#1 Stranger (In) Danger
My oldest daughter and I used to run away from my wife whenever we went shopping. One time, we got particularly far away and I asked her, “What do you want to do now that mom can’t stop us?”
She exclaimed loudly, near others, “We can punch a stranger!”
While I was carrying my daughter back from the bathroom through a crowded hipster brunch spot, she shouted “HE FARTED!” at every single table. She was also pointing at my face.
#3 The Awesome Mr. M.
There’s a man who lives in our village with no arms named Mr. M. His children were enrolled at my son’s nursery, so he has met him many times.
We were in a packed doctor’s waiting room one day and Mr. M came in.
My son, at full volume, said: “Look, mommy! There’s that Mr. M I told you about. He has no arms! Look!”
At this point, the whole waiting room turned their heads in the opposite direction to Mr. M, actively trying NOT to look while similarly avoiding eye-contact with me and my “disrespectful small child.”
Me: “Ah yes, that is Mr. M. We see him at school don’t we?”
Son: “Yeah, he came in to talk to us one day. He drives his car with his feet! He is TOTALLY AWESOME!”
#4 Nearly-Lethal Blurt
When my cousin was about two years old, she occasionally took baths with her mom, my aunt. One night, we were at their house for dinner and out of nowhere, she blurted out at my uncle: “Daddy, do you have hair down there too?!” That was the first and only time in my life I nearly required the Heimlich maneuver.
#5 Smart, Evil Move
My four-year-old son was misbehaving in a store, and I told him if he didn’t control himself we were going to leave. He escalated, so I picked him up and carried him through the entire store. He was surprisingly putting up little fight. As we passed the checkout lanes, he loudly said, “Hey mister, put me down!” I didn’t make eye contact with anyone, I just turned beet red and kept marching out the door.
#6 Last Of The Mohicans
When my family and I were on vacation in Yellowstone, there was a Native American man dressed as a warrior doing a photoshoot. My little brother who was about three years old at the time yelled out loud, “DAD THERE’S STILL ONE LEFT!” The man was a good sport and started laughing. We even got a picture with him later in the day.
#7 Not The ‘N’ We Expected
At a fairly nice restaurant, my brother was teasing my daughter. My daughter screamed at him to stop, threatening to call him the N-word. The N-word was “nipple.”
#8 Trash Hunter
My wife brought my three-year-old to the park one day. She decided to pick up some litter to make the park look nicer, so she was throwing away pop bottles, chip bags, etc. He wanted to help.
He stooped to pick up some garbage and my wife told him to leave those to mommy.
A few minutes later, he left her to play. He told another mom, “I’m finding garbage for mommy.”
My wife was so embarrassed and said she got the dirtiest looks from nearby parents who heard this.
#9 Far More Innocent Than It Sounds
For context, we live in a very diverse apartment complex. My wife and stepson are blue-eyed Nordic white. My step son’s three best friends from our complex are the children of Korean, Indian, and Guatemalan immigrants.
They were all outside roughhousing and I asked my son what they were up to. He said:
“It’s a game we made up! It’s like a race, but you are allowed to tackle, push and hold each other back to win!”
To which I replied, “Cool! Sounds fun!” Totally innocent kid stuff, I thought; until my son, the whitest one among them screams as loud as he can:
Before I could react, they all took off across the grass shoving and punching at one another, as the Korean kid’s parents and several neighbors whom I didn’t know very well stood by, horrified. I just waved politely and went back inside.
#10 The Things They Learn From Video Games
I play Hitman 2 a lot, sometimes with my three-year-old daughter watching. We were at the grocery store recently and there was an older gentleman who looked like he had just come out of a church service. He was all dressed up and had a shiny bald head. My daughter yelled out, “Look, dad! It’s a hitman!”
#11 My Mom Drinks!
I was with a group of friends and they asked me if I drink. I said I don’t really, and my daughter said: “But mom, you drink all the time.” She had no idea what the difference was between drinking adult beverages and drinking everything else.
#12 Dad Joke Turned Around
When I was little, my dad would jokingly ask if I wanted a cold adult beverage. I would always respond with “no.” Then, one day when we were in the grocery store, he asked if I wanted anything, to which I replied: “A cold adult beverage” while we were standing in line.
#13 If She Doesn’t Scare You…
After watching 101 Dalmatians, I went grocery shopping with my daughter. We crossed paths with an old lady in a somewhat dirty church suit and tons of makeup with sloppy red lipstick. My daughter pointed at her and said, “Daddy, that’s a bad lady.” The lady did kind of look like Cruella DeVille.
#14 ‘Spanish’ Waiters With Long Memories
I was eating at a Chinese restaurant when the waiter and the cook were having a discussion in Chinese. My eight-year-old daughter yelled out, “WHY ARE THEY SPEAKING SPANISH?” I was embarrassed, to say the least. We went back a couple of months later and the waiter remembered us because after taking our orders, he said, “I’ll return andele.”
#15 Bathroom Pride
I took my three-year-old son to Disney World. Of course, after about an hour in the park, we both had to go to the bathroom. We headed off to one of the main bathrooms right next to the castle. I let the boy go first, then I. At this point, the child started saying in a voice that can only be described as booming: “GOOD JOB DADDY! YOU’RE THE BEST POOPER I KNOW!”
This, of course, led to chuckles from the long line of stalls populated by other fathers. The chuckles ended up turning into outright laughter. I was so proud of my pooping abilities.
#16 How Deep Does It Go?
I hadn’t realized just what a sheltered (white) life we had in the rural UK until we went on a trip to our lovely, multicultural London metropolis. On a packed tube, my son gazed about a man in wonderment and said, in a piercing voice, “Mommy, are they black all the way through?” The whole tube carriage went quiet for a millisecond while a scene of racial carnage flashed in front of my eyes. Thankfully, everyone started laughing instead. On the tube. In London. This never happens.
#17 Say It Once, They’ll Say It Again
My three-year-old and I were at my mom’s house. I told her, “C’mon, we have to go home and take a shower.” To make her laugh, I said we needed a shower because our bums were stinky.
Later, when we got home in a full elevator, my daughter turned to me and said, “Mom, you need to shower because your bum is stinky.”
I was mortified.
#18 The Question You Never Ask A Woman
I was pregnant with a second child and my three-year-old daughter asked why my belly was so big. I told her there was a baby in there.
She turned to her daddy and asked, “Do you have a baby in there too?” Her dad replied gently, “No, I’m just fat!”
A few days later, we were in a checkout line and there was a very large lady behind them in the line.
The little girl asked the lady, “Do you have a baby in your tummy like my mommy?”
The lady was kind and just said no, to which the girl responded: “Oh, just fat then?”
#19 Thankfully Friendly
My son was two and thought every black man was his dad. He was away with the military a while so when we were at Boston Market, he called another random stranger “Daddy!” He ran to him and hugged him. The guy actually picked him up and said, “I’m not your dad, but hey, buddy!”
I was mortified but couldn’t stop laughing.
#20 Foreign Phonetics, Not Psychopaths
When my sister was an angsty toddler, doing any shopping with her was a pain. If she didn’t get what she wanted, she would yell: “Die, die, DIE!” People would look at us like we were some kind of psychopaths.
Phonetically, “die” is how you say “give” in Russian; our home language.
#21 No, I Really Don’t
My two year old and I were waiting in line at Nordstrom. She was being so patient, so I decided to reward her by purchasing a Melissa and Doug stamp set. As soon as we got to the checkout, she randomly announced to the girl that was checking us out, “Mommy has male privates.” I just stood there for a moment, expressionless, wondering where in the heck that came from. I finally said, “Yeah… I don’t.” The lady just stared at me, forced a smile and replied: “Have a nice day.”
#22 Not The LGBTQ+ Ally I’m Trying To Raise
My best friend is gay. He and his partner have lovingly been called “the gays” at our house. While picking up dinner one night at the grocery store, my daughter asked if they were coming over to eat with us, as they do once or twice a week. My best friend tends to tease my daughter who, at 5, can be sensitive to it. I said no and she replied by loudly exclaiming for all to hear: “Thank God because I hate the gays!”
#23 The Lies Revealed
My child isn’t old enough to talk yet, but when I was little and we were on holiday, my dad used to get me to say I was younger than I was so we could get into theme parks for cheaper. When we were on our way back, the gentleman at passport control asked me how old I was and I turned to my dad and said, “How old am I today, daddy?”
#24 One Brother, Please
My aunt was pregnant with her second kid. They were going to the grocery store with their four-year-old son and he had recently found out that he was going to have a new sibling, so it was fresh in his mind. As they were walking into the store, a black family was walking out with their baby girl, and the son pointed at the baby and said, “I don’t want one like that, mommy.” My aunt quickly said, “He means he wants a brother.”
#25 Such Dramatic
I took my three-year-old daughter to a church-run thrift shop to drop off some donations and then do some grocery shopping. She asked for a snack before we left but we were already halfway out the door, so I just told her we had no food and that she could have a snack when we got back. When we got to the shop, I gave these nice church ladies our donations and my daughter said to them, “I’m hungry.” They giggled and said, “Oh, you’ll have to hurry home for lunch.” She looked them dead in the eye and in the saddest voice said, “We have no food. I’m so hungry.” They looked up at me so fast and started offering to bring us food. I was mortified and explained that she was just being dramatic.
#26 Smokey Voiced
My daughter and I were at Michaels and this woman had the smokey voice. Big time. She was on her phone talking and my daughter, who was almost four at the time, yelled out to me, “Mommy, that lady sounds like a man!” The lady was in the next aisle over and I was trying to do the “shush” signal. My daughter took it as a sign to be louder and asked me why her voice was so weird. I was mortified.
#27 He’s Like Little Bill
My boss lives in a very Caucasian-dominant area. When his older son was about three, they were in a restaurant and there was an African-American gentleman sitting at a table across from them. My boss’ son stood up on the table and exclaimed, “THERE’S ONE!” He then pointed at the man and started singing the Little Bill theme song. My boss and his wife just grabbed their son and ran to the front to pay their bill, mortified.
#28 Everything Big Has A Baby In It
We were at a restaurant. My wife was late-term preggers with our second child. We had been telling our firstborn that her mom’s belly was big because she had a baby in there.
A large woman walked by our table and the toddler’s eyes got big. She then shouted, “Look, mom! That lady has a baby in her butt!”
#29 A Helpful Question
While walking around the zoo, my son who was five at the time saw a guy in a wheelchair who didn’t have any legs below his knees. When my son asked me why his legs looked like that, I didn’t know what to say, so I just said that the man lost them.
I turned around for a second to look at an animal and my kid had approached the wheelchair guy, asking: “Do you want me to help you find your legs?”
Ugh. Thank God the guy laughed because I wanted to die right then and there.
#30 Crabfish? Crawdads?
I’m from the South and my family would regularly have crawfish boils. When I was young, I decided I wanted to keep some of the crawfish as pets but I wasn’t entirely sure what they were. So there I was, a four-year-old girl in Walmart telling everyone I saw that I had crabs. My mom kept explaining to everyone: “She has crawdads at home; she thinks they’re crabs, everything is fine.”
#31 The Fat Colonel
When I was a toddler, we were at KFC eating and a fat guy with a beard came in. I thought he was Colonel Sanders but at that age, I couldn’t actually pronounce that. So I just yelled, “Look, mom, the fat man!!!”
#32 Regal Dismissal
My daughter is 16 months old. When she is done interacting with someone, she will dismissively wave her hand and say, “All done! Bye!” My wife doesn’t like it, but I think it’s funny and a total power move.
#33 From A Kid, It’s A Compliment
At the grocery store, my daughter, who was two at the time, passed an African-American lady in an aisle. At this point, she had never seen anyone with darker skin. She sees her, turns to me and yells (while pointing), “Look mom! It’s a chocolate lady!” I froze for a sec and said, “Yes honey, isn’t she beautiful?” She yelled, “Yes,” and I practically ran away down the aisle. That poor lady was such a good sport.
#34 Innocence Is Bliss
My brother-in-law passed away. Normally, I’m not the parent that takes kids to funerals because it’s just weird to me, but we had to take my three-year-old because there was no one to leave her with. We sat far enough back that she couldn’t see him up front in the open casket. About 10 minutes into the service, she announced to everyone, “Okay we’re done now! Time to go home, everybody!” Everyone died laughing at her, and I imagine that my brother-in-law would have found it hilarious too!
#35 He’s A Dinosaur!
My three-year-old, who is normally sweet and very empathetic, was being a total monster in Target. As we were running around trying to get out, she saw someone with an obvious birth defect stocking the makeup shelves. Before we could whisk her away, she shouted, “Look at his tiny arms! TINY T-REX ARMS!” She was so excited for the guy, who was not at all amused by her.
#36 The Prettiest Pirate
When my daughter was two, she told an old woman wearing an eyepatch that “she was the prettiest pirate she’d ever seen.” The woman started crying, and I was mortified. After a moment, the woman said: “Today is my first day out of the house since I lost my eye. Thank you for making my day.” She then hugged my daughter.
#37 Darth Hood
When my daughter was about two or three, we were at the public library and she saw a lady come out of the bathroom in a full black hood. With a super loud voice, while pointing directly at the lady, she said: “Look, daddy, it is Darth Vader.”
The lady was a champ about it. She looked directly at my daughter and started breathing heavily and masking her breath like Darth Vader.
Our kids proceeded to play together in the kid’s section of the library.
#38 All In The Tone
My wife took my four-year-old daughter into the bathroom of a restaurant. As they were about to enter the only stall in the tiny, tiny bathroom, an enormous woman came out. My wife said she was about five feet tall and five feet wide; like a person in a sumo suit.
My daughter stood right in front of the woman, overwhelmed by what she saw, and said at full volume, “Whoa, you are HUUUUGE!”
But the thing was, she wasn’t saying it as like, as a negative thing. She said it more like a positive thing; like, “Whoa, look at the weight you have amassed! Your girth is an achievement indeed. What’s your secret? Boy, I hope I can be as big as you when I grow up. Three cheers to you, giant woman!”
#39 Unexpected Medical Terminology
When I was very young, I announced at the family supper table that I should be sterilized. I had been at the dentist that day and learned that something that was sterilized was cleaned. My parents and three older siblings found this rather funny.
#40 An Answer Announced
My three-year-old cousin was at the store with my mother and grandfather. She had just begun to learn how to read when she turned to look at something and said, “That says Maxipad” very quietly.
Grandfather asked, “What was that?” He was hard of hearing.
My cousin stood up in the basket and yelled, “I SAID MAXIPAD!” My grandfather was terribly embarrassed, but my mother still tells the story with a chuckle every now and then.
#41 A Candyblind World
My toddler son asked me a question about an African-American man who was walking near us. He pointed at him and said, “Look at the chocolate man!” I busted up laughing because he said it so cute and innocently. Then, the guy yelled out: “WHO JUST CALLED ME THE CHOCOLATE MAN?” in kind of a loud projecting voice.
My son raised his hand like he was in class and the feeling of pure dread just washed over me as this guy was easily twice my size. He walked over and he said something along the lines of it being the cutest thing he’d ever heard. He also went on to explain to my son why his skin was so dark and how people in his country might refer to him as the white chocolate boy. My son found that hilarious.
#42 A Thrilling Experience
When we were at a restaurant, my dad asked my brother if he wanted to use the bathroom. Yes, he did. They left the table.
When they came back, my brother was in a state of awe: “WE MADE WEE-WEE ON THE WALL!” he announced to gales of laughter from the other patrons. The staff even comped him a huge sundae for dessert.
#43 They’re Called Little People!
My daughter was three years old. I picked her up from nursery one day and had to run to the bank before heading home. When it was our turn in line, I started talking to the bank teller, and my daughter looked at me and said, “Mama, you’re big!”
“Yes baby, I’m big,” I replied. She then turned to the bank teller and said, “I’m small, and you’re big!” The bank teller was laughing with my daughter, ooh-ing and aah-ing at how cute she was being, when all of a sudden, a little person walked up to the counter next to us.
My daughter noticed him. She pointed in his direction and screamed, “Mama, look! It’s a SMALL MAN! LOOK, MAMA, HE’S SMALL, SO SMALL MAMA!”
I’d never wished for the floor to open up and swallow me whole more than that moment.
#44 My Little Speaker
My youngest shouted, “Move it, lady” at the grocery store. The lady was clearly offended. I was in tears because I was trying to hold back the laughter. We’d been standing there a few minutes waiting for her to pick a canned good so we could have our turn.
…I did not scold her. She is merely the voice through which my internal monologue is broadcast.
#45 It’s All About Timing
We went to visit my wife’s sister in the hospital after the birth of her son, and my plan was to get my daughter to say the newborn looked like Yoda. She didn’t, but the joke backfired on me later.
When we went to a restaurant after the visit, she said, nice and loud and pointing at an elderly woman sitting at the table next to ours: “Daddy that lady looks like Yoda!”