People Replace The Word ‘Pet’ With ‘Roommate’. These Stories Are Seriously Hilarious
As anyone who has ever shared their home with a pet knows, having an animal for a roommate can be quite an adventure.
While our animals tend to love us deep down, they aren’t always the most gracious roommates. Perhaps that why someone decided to start a hilarious Reddit thread inviting people to replace the term “pet” with “roommate.”
Here you’ll find hilarious horror stories from people who share their homes with cats and dogs who don’t always mind their manners when it comes to roommate etiquette. Don’t let the cuddly exteriors fool you, sometimes pet roommates insist on running the household regardless of who pays the rent. So the next time you’re cat decides to wake you by sitting on your head, or your dog decides to decorate with the garbage, rest assured that you’re not alone. Here you’ll find a collection of hilarious stories about the joys of sharing your home with pets.
#30 Wind: The Silent, Ever-Looming Enemy
I have to make my roommate wear a face harness whenever we go outside because otherwise, he’ll eat so much goose poop he pukes on the carpet. My roommate is also afraid of wind.
#29 The Not-So Reformed Ex-Con
I met my roommate when he was behind bars. His wife was also in the system, and his kids had been placed in foster care. Hasn’t seen them since they were taken away, and I don’t think he knows where they are, nor does he seem that concerned.
Now that he lives with us, my roommate lays around the house all day (no job), and when we come home from work, he follows me around the house whining for us to make him dinner and take him out.
#28 Love Is Blind(s)
My roommate sits on my face if I fall asleep on the couch. My other roommate is too fat and keeps getting stuck in the miniblinds.
#27 Good Morning, Mom. It’s Pee O’Clock.
My roommate is pretty courteous. He really respects my wish to sleep in. Every now and then he really needs me to wake up and open the door for him earlier than normal though, so he stands beside my bed, places his face next to mine, and huffs as hard as he can.
I almost wish he would step on my head but he’s a tad on the heavy side.
#26 Mob Boss Cat Regrets Nothing
Well, I have two roommates. One of them is a skinny redhead, and the other is a fat mobster looking fella. They fight a lot amongst themselves but usually won’t bring me into it. Almost daily I’ll hear them fighting, first playfully, then seriously, then back to playfully. When they make up, they lay on the floor in front of the TV licking each other while casting glances at me.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, they fight in my room. I don’t know how often because I don’t wake up every night. I actually only wake up when the skinny roommate uses my body as a springboard to get away from the fat roommate. Mob boss usually follows suit, and it is somehow more unpleasant.
#25 Silent But Terrifying
My roommate wakes herself up with farts then acts super surprised.
#24 The Roomba Struggle Is Real
My roommate is getting rather chubby because my husband has been traveling and she hasn’t kept up the strict exercise program of running 20+ miles a week while he’s gone. Instead, she’s been stealing our kids’ sandwiches and sleeping on his side of the bed.
Our roommate is scared of Roomba and tries to bite it. I have to be vigilant to make sure our roommate doesn’t poop on the floor before Roomba runs.
#23 Thank Goodness You’re Home! I Think Someone Broke Into The Trash Can…
My roommate ate uncooked bacon that she found outside my house on the road then proceeded to have diarrhea my living room and ruin my rug. My roommate was visibly upset about this when I got home from work. I was not pleased. My roommate has a habit of eating trash.
My roommate gets visibly upset when I have sleepovers. Sometimes in the middle of the night, she will bust in and yell at us for several hours until I drag her into the bed with me. Sometimes she will actually try to stomp on my visitors’ heads while they are sleeping.
Often, the morning after a sleepover, she will wait until we are eating breakfast, come into the room where we are eating, squat down on the floor, and poop while making direct eye contact with my visitor. I think she’s jealous.
#21 Needy Cat Notes You Petting Another Cat. Needy Cat Does Not Approve.
One of my roommates gets really jealous if my other roommate and I hang out. He sulks for a few minutes then starts screaming at everyone and threatening violence.
#20 When Your Friends Ask Why You’ve Never Seen It
My roommate is 120 lbs and terrified of balloons and anything that resembles a spring action pocket knife, including the car keys that pop out of their fob. He’s a big bully but also a big sissy. He’s been my roommate since he was five weeks old so I know with absolute certainty he’s never been in a knife fight with a clown.
#19 When Your Adventures Catch Up To You The Next Day
A former roommate of mine was very wild; he was his own man. One morning he left our house hastily, didn’t mention where he was off to. A few hours later he gets picked up from jail no worse for wear. We brought him home and put him to bed to sleep it off. Not more than an hour later he was vomiting chunks of dead bird.
#18 Deadbeating Is Exhausting
My roommate doesn’t do any chores or pay bills. Never leaves the house and sheds hair all over. Can’t feed himself, so I have to constantly prepare meals for him and he screams at me if he doesn’t have any. Spills his food. He talks a lot, more than normal roommates. If his bathroom is dirty, he’ll just go on the floor and expect me to clean it up and pretends like it never happened. When I come home from being out, he is waiting for me near the door like he has nothing better to do. Sleeps in my bed for some reason even though he has his own. If I’m walking loudly he gets scared and hides.
#17 Mom, Help! I Forgot How To Stair
My roommate daily walks down the stairs into the basement and then cries because he is lonely and can’t find the stairs to get back. You have to call out to him “We’re up here,” and then he bolts back up into the living room and pretends like nothing happened.
#16 This Bed’s Taken. Just Use Mine.
I have three roommates. The redhead is constantly yelling at me when I’m home and peeing all over the floor when I leave for work. The other day he ate an entire loaf of my bread for lunch without even asking. The brunette is elderly and cranky. She tends to ignore the rest of us unless she has an itch, and then she’ll make every person in the house drop what they are doing to scratch her. The blonde is disabled. He has a form of dwarfism that makes his body normal-sized, but his legs very short. Every single night, without fail, he makes me scoot over so he can lay on my bed, and then he takes up most of the bed. Then most of the time they just lay on the floor. I don’t get it.
#15 What? The Bathroom Was Occupied.
One of my roommates, instead of pooping in the proper spot, poops on the hardwood. This is pretty annoying, but more annoying is that one of my other roommates likes to sneak in and eat the other’s poop off the floor. I mean, it would be one problem solving another, except for the poop eating roommate never eats it all, and sometimes throws it back up somewhere else in the house.
#14 Shhh, Not While I’m Communing With Mao.
One of my roommates is senile, so he’ll sit around praising Mao at all hours of the day, it’s just “MAO! MAO! MAAAAAAO! MAO! MAAAO!” Eventually tailing off with a soft “….mao…?” Then he walks laps around the house, eventually catching his reflection in something and staring into his own abyss.
The other roommates are a fair bit younger, but they treat him well. One is overweight and eats everything in her path and the other is surprisingly skinny for having an addiction to butter.
#13 By All Means, Proceed.
If anybody uses the bathroom in my house, my roommate will let herself in and start pooping at the same time as them. If she doesn’t need to go, she’ll just sit on a chair in front of them and stare at them while they’re trying to poop.
#12 The Assertive Cuddler
My roommate will lay on top of me and stare at me waiting for me to stroke her hair while I’m dozing off. If I don’t notice she’ll slowly reach her hand up and boop my nose to let me know she’s waiting. But once I start running my fingers through her hair, she’ll snuggle up and we both doze off. She comes and goes throughout the night, but she has that strict nightly routine that we follow.
#11 Toe Attacker Leaves No Toe Unattacked
I’m relatively tall, and when I was 20, I had this dumpy little bed that wasn’t really intended for two adults. I should probably also mention that I had long hair at the time. So when I would go to bed, my roommate would hang out at the foot of the bed and take swipes at my toes, which would invariably be hanging off the bed. Eventually, I’d get her to cut it out, but I would wake up every morning with her snuggling my hair.
#10 When Tummy Aches Attack
My roommate has IBS but is in denial about it, so she eats everything that might possibly be food and then wakes me at 4 a.m. because she’s got the rumbly in her tumbly.
#9 Just Making Sure Everything’s Legit In Here. Carry On.
My roommate just screams the entire time I’m in the shower. He’ll also check on me frequently if I have a bath. He assumes something is terribly wrong and I must be in distress since he hates it.
#8 Hark, 3 am! I Must Run To Another Randomly Selected Room
My roommates use the hours between 6 p.m. and 12 a.m. to go tearing through the apartment screaming at each other with one constantly trying to eat the others’ face. One of them likes to follow me around the house yelling at me until I give him a hug. The other likes to sleep on her back spread-eagle in the middle of the bedroom floor.
#7 You’ll Find My Response To My New Diet Right In The Middle Of The Bathroom Floor
My roommate started pooping outside his bathroom as a protest against his diet. It’s like, an inch outside of it. He clearly knows what he is up to.
#6 Um, It Was The Cat?
Once I stepped outside to check the mail, and in the minute or two it took me to leave and come back, my roommate had eaten an entire pack of hot dog buns.
#5 But What If I Get Swept Down The Hole?
Neither of my roommates will voluntarily bathe. When they really start to stink, I have to physically wrestle them into the bathtub. Both of my roommates will try to escape, so it’s pretty tricky.
#4 Make No Mistake. There Will Be Consequences.
To convince my roommate baths are a good idea, I smear a small part of the tub with peanut butter, and he licks it off while being bathed. My roommate will finish the peanut butter in two seconds and continue licking for the next five minutes. After he’s finally done licking, he begins sulking, which means hanging his head almost to the bottom of the tub so that he nearly drowns from all the water running down his face.
#3 Squatter Cat Has Commandeered Your Yard For Kitty Kind
We found one of our roommates on our porch one day, he yelled at us until we fed him and he’s been camping on our porch ever since. Sometimes he comes in the garage when it’s really cold. We wanna bring him in, but the other two roommates don’t want him in the house, so he stays on the porch.
#2 Sometimes Nothing Says ‘I Love You’ Like A Right Hook To The Face
My roommates are essential Lenny and George from Of Mice and Men if George hated Lenny. Sometimes I have to rescue the Lenny one from George because though he is smaller, he’s pretty vicious and has anger problems. Sometimes they also like to fight on top of me. Sometimes they get along and lay in the sun together, licking one another, at least until George gets bored or Lenny goes Lenny and headbutts George in the face being a little overly enthusiastic about being groomed, then they fight again.
#1 I Don’t Recall Receiving My Take-Out Food Tax
My roommate feels entitled to everything I eat. If I don’t share, she will walk around the house gathering up items I use often or items that smell like me. This includes clothing, chargers, shoes, blankets, pillows and important work papers. Once she has them, she will build it into a pile, look me in the face, and pee all over the entire pile.