October 27, 2019 | Casey Fletcher

People Reveal The Red Flags Of Toxic Friendships


Friends are supposed to make everything better. Whether you've had a hard day at the office, are having relationship problems, or just need someone to talk to, your friend is meant to be the one person who will bring light back into your life, right? Theoretically. Unless you're dealing with someone who puts themself before you and takes pleasure in your failures.

Most of us know at some level when a friendship has turned toxic, however, we may have a hard time admitting it. If you think you might be dealing with a manipulative friend, or if you need a few more hints that it's time to re-think a friendship, here are a few descriptions of friends who may not have your best interest at heart:

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#1 Feeling Worse

Every time you’re finished hanging out you feel worse than you did before. That’s a sign of a bad friend.

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#2 They're Not Happy For You

When they are never happy for you when you achieve something you've been working hard for, and instead try to bring you down. Allied to this, they are judgmental and bad mouth you and criticize you to mutual friends. They can't be trusted with keeping your problems secret—they gossip simply for the sake of putting you down because that makes them feel superior. A genuine friend would be happy for you.

When all the arrangements are left up to you, you do all the running, all the organizing, you do all the driving, collecting them for events or nights out. They freeload without any reciprocity. They lack empathy. They expect you to be there for their crises (like relationship breakups), but don't reciprocate. They don't want to know about your stresses and problems, they only want the fun bits.

They suck the life and spirit out of you. If you start to feel stressed or worried at the thought of meeting up with them, and if you feel exhausted and drained at the end of the evening with them, its not a healthy relationship. A friendship should leave you feeling energized and happy, not miserable.

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#3 Dreading Hearing From Them

You see you got a private message from them and your gut reaction is to start getting nervous or anxious: "What is it this time..."

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#4 They Don't Care About Your Future

My wedding showed me who my real friend was. My husband and I eloped (immigration issues, we didn't have much time). My friends knew how difficult it was dealing with immigration lawyers and the general stress of it all. I sent them both a Facebook message telling them I'd be getting married within the next week and I'd tell them the exact day when it came.

Finally, we decided on a day. I called both my friends. One "friend" told me she couldn't come because she planned on test driving a car that day. My other friend got the message late, jumped out of bed and got there just in time. It hurt, but I found out who really cared and who couldn't give a hoot.

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#5 They Embarrass You

When they embarrass you in front of your other friends and don’t apologize later.

#6 They Whisper

When you overhear them making plans (seemingly fun plans you'd enjoy) with your other friends. I'm anti-social but it still hurts, and asking would be nice.

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#7 They're Clingy

They're very, very clingy. They can’t accept that you aren’t best friends after knowing each other for two weeks.

#8 They Aren't There

When they're not there for you when you need them.

#9 Putting Your Interests Aside

All your interactions with them are on their terms, not on yours. If you find that you're constantly having to put some part of your personality or interests aside in order to interact with someone on their terms instead of yours, that's not a healthy friendship. And that doesn't have to inherently be anything wrong with you or them or make either of you bad people, which is why it can be so hard to break off a friendship like that. But if you're not on an equal footing, it's not going to be healthy or helpful for either of you.

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#10 Stealing

When they don't give back the pen you once lent to them in school. They deny the whole exchange. I know you're out there John.

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#11 They're Never in the Wrong

Cant accept responsibility for any mistake.

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#12 Talking Behind People's Back

If they talk behind someone's back to you and then pretend to be that person's friend to their face. Guess what they're talking about when you're not around? This is a general rule of mine and it obviously doesn't fit everybody. There are times when it's okay to talk about friends, but there is definitely a line.

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#13 You're Relieved

When you find yourself actually feeling relieved that you're not around them. Maybe it's time to revaluate the relationship.

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#14 You're Suggesting Everything

Look through all your old messages and tally how many times you've suggested meeting up versus them. It can be staggering even if you don't recognize it.

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#15 They're Too Competitive

I have a "friend" who is just competitive about everything. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the sibling rivalry he had with his brothers, but with me it just gets old.

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#16 Do They Make Your Life Better?

As a rule of thumb, do they make your life better? If not, then it's not a good friendship. I came to this realization with a couple of long term friends I had from back in the day. They would never really do anything nice for me and we basically just hung out out of habit. I couldn't expect them to be there for me if I needed a favor, even small ones. I eventually came to the realization that these guys don't make my life better in any way. I can replace them with people who actually care, and I did.

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#17 They Insult You

They're always insulting you, insisting it's a joke, and they get upset if you say anything back. It might sound obvious, but it took me way too long to realize what a problem it was, and even longer to realize that I didn't have to put up with it.

#18 You're Putting in All of the Work

You're putting all the work into the friendship. I had one friend who I was really close with in college and shortly after. We were roommates a couple of times. After I moved out the last time, and for about five years after that, I realized the initiating of hanging out (even though we were in the same town) nearly always started with me. Him RSVP-ing yes to my wedding, then blowing it off was the last straw. My wedding was over the holidays so I expected some people not to be able to make it, but no phone call, no text to say, "Sorry man, family stuff came up." It was pretty awful.

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#19 They're Always on Their Phone

When they’re constantly on their phone when you’re with them but take forever to answer you when you’re not.

#20 They're Flakey

Flaking on engagements with you, and only talking about themselves without asking about how you are doing.

#21 Not Paying You Back

Always saying they'll pay you back and never do.

#22 They Don't Care

I knew this one girl a few years ago. She would come to me for help all the time. She was pretty dramatic and always seemed to have a problem, but hey, I'm a pretty helpful guy, so I didn't mind. One day, it was my turn to feel sad. I was having a rough day, so I called her. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of, "Figure this out on your own, I can't help you. I'm not going to set myself on fire to keep you warm, yadda yadda." Some friend you are... But here's the best part: Later that night, at like 3 a.m., my phone rings. Because someone was feeling fat and ugly and they really needed a shoulder to cry on... Did you miss your entire speech only a few hours before this?!

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#23 They Don't Listen

When they don’t listen to what you have to say.

#24 Their Compliments Aren't Real

When you feel that their compliments are just an attempted "emotional investment" to get you to do something for them in the near future.

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#25 They're Just Toxic

Here are a few:

  • If they don't listen to you in conversations but rather are sitting there waiting for their turn to speak.
  • If they are permanently an innocent victim, surrounded by wrongdoers.
  • If they are a drama-mama or a drama-papa.
  • If they only call you when they need something, they are using you.
  • If they are not happy for you when something good happens, but instead lament how they are not as happy.
  • If they exclude you intentionally, talk about you behind your back, and spill your secrets.

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#26 They Ask, Ask, Ask

When they only ask you for things but never offer anything in return. They're just using you.

#27 They're a Bad Friend

They only talk to you when they need or want something; they bring you into unnecessary drama; they tell all your secrets; they make you feel bad about yourself when you go to them with your problems; you only hang out on their terms; they manipulate you when you don’t realize; they only tell you what you do wrong and not what you do good; and they blame stuff on you because you're their friend.

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#28 You Feel Drained

You are drained after you hang out. Not drained in the sense where an introvert feels drained by social interaction. Drained in the sense that you give everything to this person in terms of attention and receive little in return. It’s the friend who can quite literally only talk about themselves for hours and hours. It’s usually about some trivial problem they’ve decided they want to psychoanalyze yet again. Bonus points for exhausting amounts of repetition and reaching years into the past to retread old ground. You are lucky to get a word on edgewise. If you do get a word in, “friend” will turn that convo back to their interests whiplash fast. Rinse, repeat into infinity.

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#29 You're Always Wrong

When one person is always 'right' and one person is always 'wrong.'

#30 They Distance Themselves From You

When you’re going through a hard time and they distance themselves from you. I was friends with my ex since we broke up and she suddenly stopped talking to me while I was in a really bad place.

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#31 They Lie

When they lie, constantly. Whether it's about themself, you, or situations.

#32 You Have to Hold Your Tongue

Continually feeling like you want to say something but should hold your tongue.

#33 You Dread Their Messages

I have this "friend" from high school who I'm really not fond of, honestly, but he's a good guy. Every few weeks, he'll shoot me a text wanting to hang out and I go because it isn't frequent enough that I mind seeing him and I know it makes him happy. But man, sometimes when I see his name pop up I just dread opening his messages

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#34 They Tell Your Secrets

When you tell them something only to them, and then later on, everybody knows about it.

#35 You Initiate All The Contact

You never hear from them unless you initiate the contact.

#36 They Bully You

There's a fine line between busting chops and actual mean-spirited bullying. I love a good friendly ribbing among friends, but I hate when someone is clearly looking to lift themselves up by putting one of the friends in the group down. It's so toxic and insecure. If anyone ever does this to you, pull them aside at some point afterward and talk to them one-on-one about it. Tell them it really bothered you and not to do it again. If they do it again after that, there's no hope of it ever changing. Avoid as much as you can.

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#37 They're Self-Absorbed

When they only talk about themselves and don't ask or take any interest in anything about you.

#38 They One-Up You

When they always have to one-up someone. You had a bad day? Theirs was worse. Your commute was long? Theirs was worse. Did you get a promotion at work? Well, something even better happened to them at their job that day! And on and on...

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#39 They're Oblivious

When they don’t even understand that what they did was wrong when you call them out. It’s the worst.

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#40 They Put You Down

They act just fine whenever they invite you over, and then as soon as someone else comes into the picture, their whole attitude changes. They begin treating you with disrespect just to try and act cool in front of their new friend.

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#41 They Act Like the Victim

When you call them out on bad behaviour they act like the victim. Major red flag this one is.

#42 They Aren't Positive

This is my situation: I absolutely adore my best friend but she’s had a tough life. So when something good happens to her, I’m so excited to celebrate it, but I feel like I can’t share anything positive going on with me because it’ll make her feel bad. It shouldn’t bum me out as much as it does, but I feel like there are so many topics that are off-limits and there’s nobody else that I feel comfortable sharing them with.

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#43 They Don't Lift You Up

Being dismissive of all of your interests and achievements. Meanwhile, everything they do, no matter how mundane, is amazing.

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#44 They Manipulate You

I caught my "best friend" with my fiance and she ended up somehow getting me to feel sorry for making her feel bad about what she was doing. I cut her out of my life and haven't seen her for four years now. Best decision I ever made.

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#45 You Can't Lean on Them

You have to walk on eggshells. You're constantly worrying if what you say is going to make them mad. They can lean on you whenever they need you, but you can’t lean on them.

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